To be struggling with friends SEN child??

My child is the same and I’m not offended if people don’t want us to visit them. We have most visits in our house or in parks etc as there’s too much risk of damage/unsafe in other peoples homes. It’s actually beneficial for me as well as I don’t have to spend the whole time following around and worried about damage. Can you not visit her instead?

We haven’t had good friends round for a couple of years now and they’ve started to notice. I feel really bad but their son (no diagnosis but always been ‘challenging’) just causes so much upset with tantrums all day. He seems to not cope well outside of his home environment but they will come round and stay late regardless. I’ve not been brave enough to have the conversation as know it will end the friendship.

Perhaps the destruction of a toy so expensive you can’t replace and the sentimental book can spark a conversation with her around how you prevent that in future. I think your only options are meeting in the middle, you staying at hers, having locks on their bedroom doors or meticulously putting away anything of value when she visits.

Just say something like "it's hard to get a proper catch up, and it seems like (child's name) isn't stimulated enough at my house and maybe finds it too overwhelming, so next time let's meet up somewhere halfway with more going on, for a big day out. It's less travel and more fair too. Here's some places I've found, have a look and see what you think? Are you free on x y z date?"
And list some good playgrounds, farm parks or soft plays that are more or less half way between you. You could make it a day out and have lunch after if the kids are getting on well or just bring a picnic if the weather's OK.
It gives you all some space too, if the kids are needing a break to regulate
If she pushes you on a reason then you can be more honest but usually if you breeze past and present a solution and potential dates for a catch up she should go along with it

Your friend is an awful parent OP. All the SEN parents I know would be absolutely mortified if their child tore through their friends' house like this and destroyed so much.

You need to be honest and say they can't come over anymore. It's not the child's fault, it's the mother.

I’d also tell your friend she has to replace the toy her DC broke.

You’ve got to put your own DCs first. Your DC is upset, and they worry about her coming over. You can’t force your Dc to play with someone they don’t want to. You need to meet somewhere else, and allow your DCs to go off and play with others if they don’t want to play with your friends DC.

Sorry but you need to put your kids first, not your friends feelings. They are having their belongings trashed and are very upset. Your friend cant keep thinking this is ok. Unless she pays for everything her child damages then it's totally unacceptable.

This . Meet outside your home

I am not surprised your children are upset. How unfair of you to put this problem on them? Why can't you visit your friend at her house? How old are your children? Do you have someone who could look after them for the afternoon or go on a day when their dad is at home so you can go to hers? I would be furious if someone's child did that in my home.

I think going forward it’s best to meet away from your house. As you live some distance apart maybe try pick somewhere that’s in between you both. Or would you consider going to your friends house? Perhaps the longer trip is worth it if your house and possessions are safe from being destroyed. If you can afford it, maybe offer to meet at hers and you bring lunch/cake/etc so she doesn’t feel like she always has to host you. It doesn’t sound like having her at your house is good idea. Is it possible to meet without children maybe in the evening for a movie or dinner, you don’t mention anything about the children’s friendships or if it’s just you and the mum that are friends.

My DH has an older autistic teenager and he hasn’t visited anyone’s house for a good 5 years now for that reason. It’s a bit like when you have a baby and the house isn’t baby proof. Honestly if your friend doesn’t see the issue then she’s part of the issue. It’s her problem to manage but she’s made it yours.

I have a friend whose child (no diagnosis) just trashes my house and breaks stuff. I always meet in public, occasionally he comes to our DC birthday parties and DH is like a guard dog - we have to constantly fish him out the house and send him back outside.

Your friends child needs alternative activities / equipment to meet her sensory needs. Occupational Therapy might help with ideas.

Prioritise your own children.

I actually think that the biggest risk here is that the other child’s behaviour will destroy the relationship between the kids. So it’s not just a problem for adults, it’s a problem for the kids too.

What I would do is next ttime you’re planning to see each other ask to go to hers instead. If she asks why explain that the kids were really upset about the broken things last time, and that you’re worried that it will destroy the children’s friendship if it happens again.

Leave yours and her adult feelings out of the conversation and as irrelevant to the discussion. So if she says things are just material possessions, you say yes, but I’m worried about the friendship between the children. If she says you’re being mean to her child, you say no I’m trying to preserve her friendship with DC. If she says DC can’t help it you agree, and say that’s who we need to meet at yours so dc aren’t accidentally upset.

Could you get a box of small toys for the child, colourful fidget type toys. If you can give her some specific toys that you don’t worry about maybe it will distract her enough to stay away from the rest of the house.

Of course you can no longer see this child in your home
Of course you can't

You'll have to see the friend and child elsewhere

meet outside or at hers. I gets it's very difficult and isolating for her. One of mine was a bit like that when younger (I wasn't in denial, but there is only so much you can do and behaviour manage in a child with severe autism/plus severe learning difficulties), and most friends dropped me. I have just accepted this huge social isolation as part of bringing up a child with complex needs. It's shit bit it is the reality, and most people who never have had to deal with the challenge it bringing up a child like that just have no understanding and compassion (as many of the replies of this thread show). If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't.

Her feelings are not more important than your children's, especially when it comes to feeling safe in their own home. I'd just be really matter of fact - "hey Jan, I really enjoy spending time with you and Beatrice but my kids were upset about the broken toys. There's a cheap Days Inn around the corner, so next time if you stay there then we can do proper day trips outside and have fun without stressing!

I had a friend with NT daughter but never supervised (different issue I know, but similar outcome). Aged 3 she would go into my sons’ bedrooms and dismantle their lego models. Sons understandably cross when they find out. Next visit I locked their doors (they were at school). Daughter comes down asks her mum why doors locked, mum asks me, I explain, mum thinks I’m crazy and precious about my sons. End of visits and actually friendship. I hope she reads this and recognises it but doubt she will. It’s not your job to fix things for your friend, OP.

plan to stay over night at hers instead and knock overnights at yours on the head. You’re so focused on your friends feelings you’re ignoring your kids feelings and needs.

if she visits you, take her out to soft play or the park. Take a picnic. Maybe pay her entry to ease finances if needed.

look for a SEN play session or other options mid way between you both.

time to rethink logistics, you BOTH have children to consider now, not just her. .

OP your priority is your child in this situation and you are clearly not prioritising your own child’s feelings by having the same repeat visitor who unintentionally breaks favourite items. Simply arrange to meet the friend and her child in parks or soft play instead. Or go round to your friends house which is likely damage proofed. Or if you both have childcare, meet as adults in the evening without kids in tow. Advocate on your child’s behalf, your child's feeling really do matter. Explain (kindly/warmly) to the friend that the damage is too upsetting for your children and you’ll need to meet elsewhere. She may try to minimise any damage as ‘just material’ but this is just her perspective, after years of damage control she probably has few undamaged items so needs to see them as less valuable to emotionally manage ongoing loss. However minimising the value of others belongings shows a lack of basic respect to others, the time and money things cost to replace, the sentimental element.

That sounds really difficult OP. would it work for you to visit your friend at her house instead?

The OP's children shouldn't have to barricade themselves in their rooms because of the friend's child or lock their things away.

Because of the past experiences, they will still be on edge waiting for something to happen.

So for now, the OP needs to exclude her friend and their child from her home. The OP's children have experienced damage to their things every single time the other child has visited. The OP's children need to have their home back to themselves without experiencing anxiety about what will happen on the next visit.