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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be struggling with friends SEN child??

411 replies

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 00:57

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/08/2025 08:05

Softplay.

My youngest was destructive and became of that I didn't take him to people's houses when he was young.

Summerlilly · 07/08/2025 08:05

When some time as passed Op. I think you need to gently explain to her why people don’t want to have them round to their houses.

You are probably correct she is in denial or maybe is aware deep down but doesn’t know how to manage the behaviour and has kind of given up. Her attitude about it all just materials is not okay and why I think you need to tell her out of kindness. She’s gonna find herself even more isolated if she continues with the attitude of no one’s else’s feelings matter here.

Canyousewcushions · 07/08/2025 08:04

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 01:01

I'd stop having her over. I'd meet only in a neutral place. Such as a park.

I'd ask her to replace the toy as you can't afford to. Maybe it's any material to her, but not to your child.

This.

We have a "neurofunky" household and my youngest 2 kids are hard work.

Middle one in particular was really destructive, shes pulled shelves and lights off walls, drew on EVERYTHING and broke all her toys (in hindsight, she was trying to find out how they worked. But they didn't usually go back together again afterwards).

We just stopped going to other people's houses as I respect my friends' right not to have their stuff wrecked by my child. Starting meeting people outside as much as possible as her behaviour was so much more manageable outside.

I think it's time to try to put similar changes in place here- if she won't take the lead then you may have to gently suggest that meeting outside would be better becuase your children find it really hard when their stuff gets broken, but that you value her friendship very much and still want to spend time with her.and her dc.

SilverHammer · 07/08/2025 08:03

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Isn’t this what mumsnet is about? Helping us see the whole picture. If we all had the brilliant insight that you apparently do then mumsnet wouldn’t need to exist.

MascaraGirl · 07/08/2025 08:02

notreallyuponJL · 07/08/2025 01:29

It is exceptionally rare I ever suggest risking a good friendship, as I see good friendships as incredibly special and beautiful things.

However, good friendships require effort and investment on both sides - not necessarily a straight 50/50, but it takes two to tango.

In no world is it acceptable for someone to come round and trash your house and break your children's things. For her to say that it's only "material" things is very, very wrong.

I'm worried that she can't see the problem people have with it.

This. No one should be trashing your house and destroying your children’s toys. No matter what the circumstances

HelplessSoul · 07/08/2025 08:02

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:54

This is really hurtful. I am definitely not perfect as a parent. I have tried to be supportive of someone who has little other people in their life, despite it not being easy. My children understand about my friend’s child’s needs, and also have a close bond with my friend. I have come for advice when I have realised we have been unable to solve this situation by keeping our most precious belongings to one side.

My main priority is, of course, my children’s happiness. Second to that, you hear of parents pushed to breaking point after having no support and being totally isolated. My friend has gone above and beyond for me and is already feeling isolated from her other friends. I have done what I have done so far with good intentions, but have also been able to see that the current situation isn’t working. I think your comment is unnecessarily mean to someone who is trying to do what’s best.

Show quote history

No parent is perfect.

But your friends alleged breaking point had broken your childrens belongings - and you hadnt prioritised them.

Her isolation and woes arent your baggage to deal with.

You might have found my comment mean (it wasnt, its factual whether you like it or not), but what you have done in prioritising your friend over your children is far meaner.

But I am glad you realised now that you need to put them first. Even if it took internet randoms to make you realise.

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 08:01

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:58

My friend has been telling me how she feels like no one is supportive or understanding of her daughter’s SEN needs, and that people have stopped inviting her to their houses. Completely understandable in the situation, but she is feeling very hurt over it. I think there is no other way though. Despite her feelings, I think I’m going to have to do the same.

Show quote history

Maybe one of the kindest things you can do is just be honest with her? She's come to accept her child's behaviour but she needs to realise that it upsets others and that they may not be so accepting.

I would tell her you can't afford to replace the toy, your child is upset, and could she replace it. It's really not fair that your child has lost something precious and is expected to suck it up.

Violetparis · 07/08/2025 08:01

Like others have said, you need to put your children first. If your friend asks why she is no longer being invited into your house tell her after she left last time your children were very upset about their toys being destroyed. The fact she doesn't see that her child destroying other people's stuff is an issue. Her child's feelings don't matter more than your children's.

PixiePuffBall · 07/08/2025 08:01

Can you visit her house instead, if distance is the issue?

BuckChuckets · 07/08/2025 07:59

Have you asked her for the money to replace the toy? I'm a parent of an autistic child, so I'm not unsympathetic, but if my child broke another child's toy, for whatever reason, I'd be offering to replace it. I'm not sure why your friend hasn't done that??

Climbinghigher · 07/08/2025 07:59

Meet at hers

she does have to follow her round the house - follow with her. I had to follow my severely autistic son around the house (he was a danger to himself rather than destructive) and there were no alternatives. I still have to follow him round the house and he’s an adult now - it’s just what it is.

The only place I could take eyes off when he was little was my friends house where she had a similar daughter. Actually they had to be more careful as she would seek out stuff (my son wouldn’t, he would just fall out windows trying to see something interesting) so her house was safe for us - as he’s daughter would also head out windows - but our house wasn’t safe for her daughter.

Mrseasy · 07/08/2025 07:58

meet in a park. Do your children enjoy being around me your friend’s daughter?

Original poster
KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:58

Hesma · 07/08/2025 07:55

Can you meet at her place. Her daughter might feel calmer and more regulated in a familiar environment.

My friend has been telling me how she feels like no one is supportive or understanding of her daughter’s SEN needs, and that people have stopped inviting her to their houses. Completely understandable in the situation, but she is feeling very hurt over it. I think there is no other way though. Despite her feelings, I think I’m going to have to do the same.

OP posts:
GAJLY · 07/08/2025 07:58

I had the same issue. I loved having my friend over but her son was making it difficult as he was destructive and aggressive. In the end I had to prioritise my daughters feelings and only met them in the park or on a walk. To be honest our friendship did fizzle out after that. She did complain alot about never being invited to other people's houses, or not having play dates. But she was asking too much as he is severely autistic. He would think nothing of running away home or biting and punching someone to hey to where he wants to. I do feel sorry for her, but my children come first.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 07/08/2025 07:58

Suggest going to hers instead if they're far away
Or, as others have said, a neutral third space

TomeTome · 07/08/2025 07:57

The child needs to play downstairs where you can see them and you and friend need to drink your coffee and socialise while you watch her and your children if they will come and play with her. I would say that you have changed the house rules and that the children’s bedrooms are now their private places. Explain to your own children that if toys are downstairs they are to be shared but they can put their more precious things in their rooms. Explain to friend that this is how things are going to be managed going forward to avoid the children feeling upset at their books and toys being broken and make them feel loved and understood.
I had to do this in a very similar situation and it was actually a very positive change. Give your kids a hug and thank them for being so kind but explain you don’t think it’s fair to ask them to host in their rooms anymore.
A pop up tent in the corner of a room full of toys that are more suited to sharing and heavy hands could make the visitors feel very loved and catered for and give them somewhere private but not private to play in.

MrBallensWife · 07/08/2025 07:57

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Original poster
KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:56

chatgptsbestmate · 07/08/2025 07:51

It seems strange that your children don't come first?

Show quote history

Of course my children come first. They are and always will be my top priority. We have come up with various strategies to try to make this work and when it hasn’t worked, I have come here asking for suggestions.

OP posts:
Hesma · 07/08/2025 07:55

Can you meet at her place. Her daughter might feel calmer and more regulated in a familiar environment.

Original poster
KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:54

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This is really hurtful. I am definitely not perfect as a parent. I have tried to be supportive of someone who has little other people in their life, despite it not being easy. My children understand about my friend’s child’s needs, and also have a close bond with my friend. I have come for advice when I have realised we have been unable to solve this situation by keeping our most precious belongings to one side.

My main priority is, of course, my children’s happiness. Second to that, you hear of parents pushed to breaking point after having no support and being totally isolated. My friend has gone above and beyond for me and is already feeling isolated from her other friends. I have done what I have done so far with good intentions, but have also been able to see that the current situation isn’t working. I think your comment is unnecessarily mean to someone who is trying to do what’s best.

OP posts:
PeachPumpkin · 07/08/2025 07:54

I completely agree about meeting up outside of your house. My dc can be destructive (SEN). I would have tried my hardest to avoid damage and would have been mortified and replacing items if any damage occurred.

I agree with a PP about meeting at her house for all the reasons mentioned by the PP.

chatgptsbestmate · 07/08/2025 07:51

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 07:15

Reading these replies, I can see I have got this whole thing wrong. I have been feeling so sorry for my friend and feeling like we just need to find a way to make this work, and it has been to the detriment of my own children. I have previously discussed it with my children - they love my friend so I think they feel quite conflicted too. I wouldn’t say there is a friendship between our children, as such, because my friend’s child doesn’t interact with my children due to her needs. I have been so caught up feeling sorry for my friend’s situation, my own children’s feelings have been playing second fiddle! I can see now how unfair that is.

It seems strange that your children don't come first?

HelplessSoul · 07/08/2025 07:43

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LOCOBROMLEY · 07/08/2025 07:43

Visit her in her house instead? If you show her the things that she may find as material to her that are precious to your child? I bet she's very aware of what she does but just wants to get out of the house. Maybe in a park or her house next time?

BernardButlersBra · 07/08/2025 07:36

Vaxtable · 07/08/2025 01:37

You have to be honest with her, explain it’s not just material things, some of it is emotional

explain how her child has upset yours, and that her child has destroyed something that is your child’s toy and you simply can’t afford to replace and that’s upset your child

explain that whilst you understand she has a difficult time sometimes with her child, you simply can’t allow her to continually upset your children, so moving forward you will need to agree to meet halfway between the two of you

its not on that her child destroys something and she doesn’t replace it

This. I wouldn't have them in the house. I would either meet somewhere else or go to her house? Why don't you go to her house at the moment?

Why isn't she replacing or fixing things? That's especially out of order and disrespectful