To be struggling with friends SEN child??

From my experience, parents of children with SEN adapt to their challenges and that usually means they don't have the same experiences that NT families have. I had to follow my children around, not because they were destructive but to keep them safe. I never got to enjoy the chatting of other parents over coffee, there was always stress. But that was the way it was. If my children caused upset I was mortified. I also understood that being in unfamiliar/busy places caused stress to my DC too and for them, as well as me, the parties etc dwindled out.
I don't like how this friend has minimised the destruction as only 'material', I and other parents would be mortified by this, while understanding that this is not something the SN child can control. People are kind but most parents I know would not take advantage of the kindness of others. I would suggest that you go to their house, or a park/green instead. Your friend knows that this is causing problems with her friends but does not seem to be taking any responsibility for making it better, suggesting something that would be better suited to her child's needs.

Of course people’s own DCs come first, it would be wrong if they didn’t. Would you put someone else’s DC first over your DC if yours were upset? No one has to be forced to play with someone or have someone in their home and space if they don’t want them to. It’s going ti be upsetting for DCs if someone is coming into their home and breaking their things. The mum of the child who broke the you should absolutely replace it. If my DC broke something I would be mortified and replace it straight away without question.

@KimbleThimble You've had a lot of good advice so I won't add any, but I wanted to you to know that I have been where you are.

So please, please don't take on board the 'how can you not prioritise your children?' posts.

You tried to be kind to your friend. That's commendable. And you made a mistake by your kids, but you're fixing that now. That's commendable too. No-one is perfect.

You'll be fine

No. I disagree with this.
I have ND and NT children.
NT DC should not have their favourite toys destroyed. That's traumatic for any child. They should not get taught that they should endure this, they should know that their parents will protect them from such behaviour.

This.

I spend half my time apologising for DD2. Then working with her behind the scenes to try and fix whatever caused the issue/help her improve her behaviour. It’s hard, but your friend is not stepping up the way she needs to.

Being supportive or understanding doesn’t mean having to have your home trashed or your kids being upset. Your friend is being ridiculous if she thinks others should put up with this behaviour in their houses.

It’s so isolating have a child with SEN as friends drop you for these sorts of reasons and more

Yes she should offer to replace what’s damaged but you are right to continue to want to be friends with her

Be honest. Tell her your kids were upset at the damage. Talk about how you can make continuing to see her work.

Sorry but you're wrong.

The child's mother is doing nothing. She's allowing her DC to go into people's homes and destroy their belongings. That's simply not acceptable, especially with no offer to replace.

It's no wonder she's been banned from other people's homes. She's a terrible parent.

One of my children was the biting, hitting destruction monster as a child.

As a parent of this child I know you don't get to relax or sit down and have a chat - you just don't. You have to follow them around like a hawk and remove them (and their unfortunate siblings who have done nothing wrong) at the first sign of overload before any damage occurs. You prepare them for the visit and reinforce social rules, you bring things for them to occupy them. That's the job and yes it sucks.

Your friend is going to have to understand that.

Other people will not tolerate their stuff being broken, their children being upset because it's not okay. You can only retain friendships if you manage this.

Children with additional needs still have to live in society - they have to abide by society's rules. It may take longer for them for them to learn these rules, but it is the absolute responsibility of parent or later on carers to keep them safe if they cannot do this themselves and keep other people and their property safe.

Sometimes this means exclusion from certain places - other people's homes, shops with fragile things, if they cannot be safe there.

There is no accountability from your freind or empathy towards her other friend’s children who may have been distressed after their visit.

Just constantly saying "well my daughter can't help it" undermines how you have hurt others. It should be your friend who has the insight to stop these visits as her daughter is emotionally hurting others.

Definitely this. You must put your children’s feelings before everyone else’s otherwise you are telling your children that you are allowing this behaviour at the expense of their feelings. They and their possessions should feel safe in your home.

You need to ask her to replace your child's toy.
Say my child is very upset about their toy being broken. I can't afford to replace it at the moment cany you please replace it?

I think her reaction to that and you explaining why you can't invite her to yours anymore will show how important you and your children are to her.
If she understands then good. If she falls out with you then you can stop feeling guilty because it shows that your children's feelings are not important to her.

Obviously the solution I agree here is to meet in neutral territory.

That's a very blunt and very cold way of putting it.

I would mince the words a lot finer. Throw in things that you value their friendship. She's a special friend to you. However, you can't ignore your own child's feelings.And they were deeply upset, and they get anxious every time the child comes over.

Come up with some rules that everything precious to your children gets locked away in their bedrooms and the child is not allowed in their bedrooms or upstairs. How about a no upstairs rule. Other than to the toilet and back with mum.

Every parents needs to put their own children first, ND or NT. That should come naturally. How awful when you're upset and your parents aren't even in your corner. We're not talking about little disappointments and accommodations here, we're talking about things that are significant to OP's children.

I have SEN children and there's no way I would have allowed this sort of thing to go on without finding another way. I'd be mortified if my children broke other people's things.

Your friend is emotionally abusive. She's created a dynamic where you must pity her at all times and has even made you put her needs above those of your own children. Now you've realised that, time to move on.

If you need help drafting a message I'm sure we can help.

Being understanding of SEN does not mean allowing all your belongings to be destroyed. Your friend is not a good friend to you or your children if she is ok with their things being destroyed by her child while doing nothing to prevent or rectify it.

Your friend might be upset at not being invited to places, but she needs to look at her own behaviour, not her child’s. If she’s making no effort to stop her child being destructive and hen doesn’t even have the decency to offer to replace things, she shouldn’t be surprised that no one wants to invite her round.

Does she offer to host at hers?

The next time she messages to say say ‘I’m afraid my child was really upset about having his books and toys destroyed by DD the last time you came and is apprehensive about it happening again so I have to put his feeling first and not have you stay again. I know you’ve had problems with others not inviting you round so I wanted to be honest about the reasons. You didn’t offer to replace any of the items DD destroyed and while here you didn’t keep a close eye on her despite knowing that she was likely to break our possessions. I know that DD has her challenges and she’s a fantastic little girl but I just can’t sit and watch while my child gets upset’

Your dc have to come first. If she is a good a friend as you say, she will understand. I'd also ask her to replace the broken items. As much as her child is not doing it on purpose she has to take responsibility.

I’m sure she knows exactly why people don’t want to have them over. Help her by finding a way it can work and then with luck she can use that model in other situations. Do you visit her? If not, and you could that might be a kind thing to do to. Parents of children with more severe SN really are very isolated and if you can keep seeing her in your home that would be a true kindness.

Oh Christ @KimbleThimble don’t listen to the pile-on. You are a wonderful friend and the “your DC have to come first” crew is why SEN parents end up utterly isolated. Thank you for trying to make it work, it’s more than most people would do (as you can see),

However. Your friend is bloody cheeky making the judgement that other people’s material things don’t matter. I can see how she got there - I’m sure there are plenty of things she adored which have long since gone to landfill but that is not her call to make.

I think the best way forward would be for you to visit her next time, with or without your DC. It could be the kid is calmer in her own environment? It’s possible soft play is an overstimulating no-no.

I think you do need to have the conversation about the material things. Could you offer to go halves on the expensive toy? Hopefully she would counter by paying all of it but it’s possible she can’t afford it either - I’m assuming being a carer affects her ability to work?

Your DC will be fine - which isn’t to say their stuff doesn’t matter, of course it does. You are a good mum. You are dealing with something difficult and that’s a lesson they are learning as well. I wonder if you might get more nuanced answers if you move this to the SEN boards.

And be blunt about it.

She must know her kid is destroying other peoples things - and she isnt replacing it either.

Lets face it - no one here would invite someone round whose child breaks things and the parent doesnt offer to repair/replace.

I mind my nephews. Both are autistic but very different needs. I've had to make some changes to my house for when they come over. I lock away any breakable things, glass, plants, candles, ornaments. I put away any fragile toys and leave out heavier more durable toys. I lock front and back doors, treats press and sons bedroom. I'm extremely strict with boundaries and have natural consequences for any behaviours. It's hard work and was complete chaos at first but they know what to expect here and we rarely get destructive behaviours anymore.

I’d tell her exactly why people have stopped seeing her.

She might be feeling hurt about other friends stopping inviting her and her child to their houses, but she must realise why they have done this. How long does the visit last when she comes to your house? If it's a short period of time, could you shut your children's toys away in a room that you can lock and tell her to bring her own child's toys with her?

I know that she is overwhelmed and her life must be really hard, but she must realise that other friends have stopped inviting her and her child because her child is so destructive and she never offers to replace the broken toys.