To be struggling with friends SEN child??

I don’t agree at all. The OP’s children and this child are not the same. It is perfectly reasonable to teach children that a higher standard of behaviour is expected of them than a disabled child.

I agree with this. It's better to model a problem solving approach than a sacrificial one. It's not a good lesson for kids to learn to always put themselves second for other people's sake or to be nice. It took me years to undo that and learn that boundaries were good and I actually matter too. It's very harmful.

I do not have SEN kids myself so I may not be qualified to say this. But, OP’s friend was having a much needed & by the sound of things rare break.

If I had a child with such high needs I’d really struggle to cope, and I think if a friend approached me about a damaged book & a broken toy I’d probably agree to replace then but be furious at their lack of empathy.

I get that kids have favourite toys, and yes is upsetting but don’t bring it up with a woman whose life is so much harder than yours.

Goibg forward, try to change to meet-up locations

All the more reason she can’t be roaming around your house unattended. Unfortunately your house can’t be your friends respite from parenting.

Encourage your friend to enroll her child in occasional respite care and during that time invite friend over for dinner etc.

Do people honestly believe it's that simple?

Respite care is notoriously difficult to obtain funding for, even for children with profound disabilities. Having a diagnosis of Autism is not enough to automatically qualify for respite, but I've seen a few threads on here recently where posters seem to assume this is the case. I think the majority of people have no idea how bad things have to be before SEN parents can get support that makes any kind of practical difference to their day to day lives. The majority of 'support' offered is along the lines "look at these websites, watch this YouTube video, book onto this 2 hour Zoom workshop about Autism friendly parenting strategies", nothing that actually gives you anything approaching a 'break'.

You don't have to make a big deal.out of it to your friend, just change the plans. I'm not sure how it pans out when you're together but with a ND child like this, you can't just let them play while you have a chat between the adults. You do have to be on high alert I'm afraid. Her child obviously has no understanding of what she's doing and is seeking sensory stimulation but the impact on your children is too much.

Has you friend go aupport from NAS, social worker, school? It does sound like she needs respite.

Cutting the child out of the visits isn’t the answer - neither is restricting her access to outside and the kitchen. That’s the very definition of ‘othering’ and pitched in the terms you’ve outlined here, it’s guaranteed to end the friendship. And l don’t know where to start with your ideas on respite - which you can’t simply ‘enrol’ for and which very likely won’t be available for a child with such high level needs. You seem to have little idea of the squeezed funding and the need for families to fight for every concession.

Encourage your friend to enroll her child in occasional respite care and during that time invite friend over for dinner etc.

you know that there is no childcare for children like the OP's friend. You also cannot enroll your child for respite. It's funded usually by social services and takes years and years of fighting (17 years in my case). If people have no understanding of the realities of bringing up a child with severe disabilities, they really shouldn't make such stupid comments.

I can't argue with any of this

I think this is a good idea. Children who are ND do not usually react well to being told don't. It can work better to adapt your language and actions to give positive guidance. For example, my ND nephew was visiting and he took to pulling unripe apples from the trees and stomping on them. Rather than say don't or going into an explanation as to why we grow apples and leave them till they ripen, I got him to help me clean up little ponds I have in butler sinks. Yes, pond weed, along with a couple of plants went flying around the garden but it didn't matter. Being destructive with your children's belongings does need to be avoided. Is there a place you can meet part way, a national trust property or woods or something. Going to someone's house without anything to do is difficult for a lot of children to manage.

We are a neuro divergent family. I'd eat my kids... joking/not joking... if they did such things. They would pay for things they broke regardless of diagnosis or I would. We are also the most hospitable family I know. People who cannot go to anyone else's house, come to ours. There's only been one time that my kids have voiced that they didn't want a family over again and we never did it. We did other things.
We set the ground rules in our home. I keep my tone light and fluffy but I'll say to kids "Oh no thank you, we don't do that here" . We don't allow kids in bedrooms, especially with that sort of history. It's communal space/garden only. Things my kids don't want anyone else to play with, are in their rooms.

When humans are overwhelmed...sounds like your friend is....I have experienced it and seen it countless times...they shut down and stop seeing what their child is doing. It's like "Oh I'm in a safe place with 'Bobby', I can stop being hyper vigilant". They aren't even conscious of it. It's brutal for everyone else but I have a lot of empathy for people in that situation. I'm not saying you have to put up with it, in they way you have been. I'm saying you have to decide on your boundaries and family's limitations. I'm sure there's a way through

Commenting just to be supportive, but I think the penny has dropped for you. Unfortunately for your friend, your children need to come first; you can’t have them devastated after each visit because of the damaged caused by her child.
Meet in a park or some other neutral venue, and protect your children’s peace and security.

Your DC will be fine - which isn’t to say their stuff doesn’t matter, of course it does. You are a good mum. You are dealing with something difficult and that’s a lesson they are learning as well.

This is what you said. You clearly think that this is a teachable moment. It’s not. Their stuff is being destroyed and accommodating that will send the message that OP is prioritising another child over them and tolerating behaviour which would be completely unacceptable from themselves, simply because the child is disabled. That’s not teaching anything but put up and shut up, which is about as far from inclusivity and empathy as you can get, and will cause massive resentment, feeding into their developing views of disabled people. It’s a terrible lesson.

I’m not suggesting OP cut her friend out of her life, and neither are most posters here. A far better life lesson for her children is for them to see OP offering an empathetic and inclusive solution to accommodating a difficult disability, such as meeting and doing something fun outside the house, thereby protecting the things which are precious to them.

State clearly that it is not sustainable to have your friend over for a visit with her child.
Encourage your friend to enroll her child in occasional respite care and during that time invite friend over for dinner etc.

Always meet at an outdoor playground surrounded by a child proof fence or at a McDonalds indoor playground.

If you have them arrive to your home, allow her child into the backyard and into the kitchen. Ensure that her child is managed much more closely - which will not be relaxing for your friend but it is the only fair way to proceed. Call a stop to the visit aftera short while and insist that next time a park will be better.

If I were your friend I would understand that people do not want to have me over because my child is destructive. She sounds very self absorbed as other friends don’t invite her round for exactly the same reason and she is taking it personally.

I would speak to her and tell her how upset your DC are having their personal possessions tore and broken and in future you will have to meet up somewhere else.

Following with interest as am in a similar situation but it’s DNephew not a friends child destroying stuff. The parents think as we can afford to replace stuff it’s not a big deal and he doesn’t mean to destroy stuff but I’m not a cash machine with an unlimited supply of money!

I’m disabled myself and find having to put stuff away for his visits very tough. We try to meet outside but for Christmas that’s not really an option. I want to be supportive but I am also sensitive that DS shouldn’t have his possessions destroyed.

I hosted a playdate with my SEN child’s friend recently our first one at home and wow, it was hard work.

I had different play zones set up (because I know what helps my child stay regulated), but even with that, we were constantly watching, redirecting, stepping in. I think we were interrupted every two minutes! My friend and I barely got a chance to talk.

I completely get where you’re coming from. Your kids must be upset — and honestly, I think she should replace anything that was broken. That’s just basic respect, regardless of whether a child has SEN or not.

At the same time, your friend probably rarely gets time to herself. Some of us can’t leave our children with others at all. So sometimes just seeing a friend, even with all the chaos, means a lot.

But I’d suggest meeting in the park instead — somewhere open where the kids can move freely. If she comes prepared with distractions (snacks, fidgets, small toys), that can make a huge difference.

Sometimes, as SEN parents, we get used to constant managing and don’t realise how overwhelming it is for others. But in someone else’s home, we do have to be extra mindful — gently stepping in when needed and being more vigilant than other parents. It’s exhausting, but necessary.

If she does visit again, maybe keep it short and flexible: sit in the garden, then move inside for a bit, then back out. SEN playdates can work, but they take prep on both sides.

I have an autistic child myself and obviously want him to grow up in a world where he is accepted by others. But I know that acceptance has limits.

Many parents of disabled children often complain about lack of understanding, empathy or even tolerance of their SEN children. However, if a child’s behaviour is having a negative impact on others then all the understanding of the behaviour in the world isn’t going to help the situation. NT children can also behave very poorly and negatively impact others and we expect parents to manage that.

Its difficult for your friend but she is not being responsible.

I have autistic kids so have been there but it's not acceptable for them to destroy other people's stuff.

@KimbleThimble Sorry OP but I think you're forgetting the needs of your own children in your attempt to cater to your friend. Her life must be really tough but it's not fair to your children to bring that kind of destruction into your home. I do think she's selfish to come back and let her daughter destroy so you should put a stop to this.

Yes unfortunately despite her feelings you need to put your children first in this situation. There's no way I'd allow this to carry on and tbh I'd probably be frank with her as well especially as she seems so passive of the things her child is breaking. It's no wonder that other people have pulled away

l’m all for teaching moments but this isn’t one. OP’s priority is her own children and trying to teach them about disability, empathy and inclusivity using a destructive child who wreaks havoc on their belongings, and a mother who seems to think everyone should accommodate her DD simply because she’s disabled is about the worst example she could choose. Put up and shut up is not empathy or inclusivity.

They can support her without inviting their own property to be destroyed. She seems to be seeing this from her side only and how it upsets her. What about the children of the other homes who were upset? I am sure she would not be very tolerant of other children destroying her child's toys in her home.

The current situation is not working and acknowledging that doesn't make you a bad friend. You need to meet in a neutral space like a playground or a soft play. If she can't understand why you need to do that then she is completely ignoring your kids needs and feelings and is the bad friend.

Unfortunately for her, her daughters bad behaviour and her inability to limit the destruction will mean that any responsible person will not want them in their house.

You should let her know how upset your children were, then fade her.