To be struggling with friends SEN child??

Sorry, it was the formatting. otherwise your post was good😅

I wouldn’t have them in the house.

Your friend is being very unfair to her daughter by taking her to other people’s homes especially as they places where she struggles to regulate herself. If not visit other people’s homes if I were here tbh.
People would have to come to visit at mine, or meet at the park, app, etc etc

No? Why, is it that badly written?! 😂

(I actually have no idea how to find or use a Chat GTP app and I don't use mn on my phone so couldn't do it anyway).

I don't think a lot of posters are getting that the child sounds profoundly disabled and all the 'my child is autistic and I wouldn't tolerate that' and 'her behaviour is awful and she can be taught not to' aren't relevant. This seems like a child who is not willfully doing anything 'wrong' and a mum who is trying her best (OP says that she follows her child around but destruction happens in seconds). I do agree that it is wrong to dismiss things as 'just material' but I wouldn't end a friendship with a valued friend who needs a friend so badly over it.

It definitely is.

I would use it as an opportunity to show my children that they aren't less important than the child of a friend and that their feelings matter, rather than turning them into martyrs who have to watch their things being repeatedly wrecked by someone else's child.

Is this chat GPT?

Mum of a SEN child here. Yes I’m a bit oblivious now to destruction and mess at home but I’m very conscious of it at others homes.

Can you have one room that’s made clear of anything valuable for the child to play in? Outside that room an adult has to be with her. It’s a pain I know but better than having your things broken.

I would have a half way house solution here as both your friend, her child and your children are in a vulnerable position and all need care and protection. Your children are in their home and safe space and deserve to have it and their belongings protected. But I can't even imagine how difficult your friend's life is. Her child is going to take up 100% of her time, attention and energy - possibly forever - and she must be feeling so isolated, friendless and hopeless. You say she's a close, valued friend who has been there for her so I could not add to the desertion and stop seeing her. As you live far from each other, houses and possibly even overnight stays are perhaps essential to maintaining the friendship?

I'm assuming that, due to distance, her visits to you aren't regular? If that's the case, I would prepare your children carefully. They have a good relationship with your friend and understand that her daughter is disabled. So you could 'prep' the house almost like a game - 'mission [child's name] proofing'.

• Away go all their toys and books into cupboards, preferably in their rooms.
• Their rooms are out of bounds and possibly even locked if possible.
• Preferably stair gate to stop her going upstairs at all (appreciate this will only work for another couple of years until she's tall enough to climb over).
• Get a load of free or very cheap toys from facebook/charity shops/freecycle that live in a shed/attic and do not belong to your children. They are 'spare' toys that nobody cares about. Those come out downstairs when your friend comes over and she can believe they are your child's things but you can be relaxed about them. It doesn't matter if they get broken (though get tough, unbreakable things if poss then you don't need to source new 'fake' toys next time!)
• As they grow out of their own toys and don't want them anymore you could add them to the collection of 'safe' toys.
• Those toys are there to entertain her child while she spends time with you and your friend can watch her child in the same room as you. There is no obligation on your children to stay and play for long with her child unless they want to as they can't really have a relationship with her and can't be forced to just because her mum is your friend. They are free to go upstairs and play in their rooms while she is here. Though it would be nice if they felt they could try and play with her at least for some of a visit, they know it's their choice and they have a get out.
• Also put away things that are important to you - ornaments, books etc.

💯 percent this 👆

Well you sound like you’re a lovely friend but I agree with the others that you can’t allow this to continue. It isn’t fair on your children.
Out of interest, how did you react to the book being ripped and the toy being broken and how did your friend react to the situation too?

I don't have advice but just want to acknowledge that you sound like an absolutely wonderful friend and mum. Yes, your children are priority but true friendships are so important too, and it sounds like you've tried very hard to support your friend xx

You can stay friends but don't invite them to your home again. To stay in touch, meet with your friend 1-2-1 and go out for dinner or similar or visit your friend at her house. Do not have them over at yours. These things don't work when there are children involved who don't know how to behave as guests. That's the problem with SEN, it's restrictive for the parents. It's not fair on your dc to feel unsafe in their own home. It's the book and toys now and physical aggression next. We've seen it all before.

I had a fiend who is in denial about her younger dd. Always complains about people not including her in things. We always welcome her and her family early and enthusiastically until during their last visit her dd2 nearly knock day dd's tooth out when she grabbed something off her without warning.

After that we never had them at ours again.

Sorry OP, YANBU. It is a tough one though as she does sound like a good friend. We have this with a relative‘s DC.

I talk to my own DC now they are older and explain the situation in an age appropriate way and let them talk. So they have some empathy and can decide appropriate boundaries, as well as not feel like they have done something to cause the chaos.

Have you got an area of the house where you can meet without a risk of damage? Put pets and valuables away. Can you decide with DC some things she can have to play with? Does a screen keep her occupied - horrible, but better than her getting into everything. Otherwise park/playground picnics in the summer.

Poor ... everyone. But this isn't your problem to fix.

It's possible that as the child gets bigger and stronger, her behaviour may become more of an issue - even to your own children's safety.

You're right, your own children must come first. Putting them into situations you know will distress them must stop.

I think you're taking her distress at other friends taking the only reasonable course of action for their own children's safety as a block on you doing the same thing.

You aren't responsible for how she feels. But you are responsible for how your children feel through the experiences you provide.

It may be this child is actively upset by being out of her familiar environment and her own things and is reacting to that. While her mum is desperately wanting that, without accepting that it's the thing she wants (coming to visit friends) that's triggering her child.

You're both currently putting your own children's needs in second place.

I'd say end the overnights and the visits to your home - they simply don't work. Yes your friend will be sad, and you'll make yourself feel guilty, but it's better for her child and for yours. The first priority.

Meeting in neutral places, outdoors, places her child feels comfortable rather than in a strange environment full of strange things.

Your lovely friend needs help - which you aren't qualified to give. Is she actually accessing support, training, etc to help her situation? Can you help her there? Without feeling that you have to hand over access to your and your children's home and the things that matter to them?

Not a chance in hell would the child be allowed back in my home.

Just because the child has SEN it’s not an excuse. SEN kids are more than capable of learning and the child should be stopped from causing the destruction. The child should be closely supervised and the fact the mum hasn’t even offered to replace the items is awful.

@the7Vabomaybr your kids will be ok with their stuff being trashed then.

being on the spectrum is not an excuse or reason to allow a child to behave how they want, they still need boundaries and rules. You friend sounds like she very much o but she’s Autistic so I am not going to do anything about it. By 7 she should know right from wrong.

The cost OP's children are paying is more than is reasonable to expect. Some inconvenience and accommodating is reasonable. Being okay with having your belongings destroyed every time isn't. At minimum, they need a lock on their doors. If OP is okay with her garden being damaged, that's up to her, but her children don't have a choice at present.

Yes, it doesn't matter what their feelings or needs are. They can deal with their stuff being repeatedly destroyed and the hurt of that. They can learn their parent doesn't protect them and learn they can't rely on them to help them.

Or they can learn there's a way to meet everyone's needs and meet elsewhere.

I think your friend is slightly in denial about the level that her daughter is. If she's tearing things up and chewing things then she is probably overloaded. She should seek it to the charities to get practical tips on how to handle that and start working on it at home.

I have a few friends with autistic children so I do understand the complexity of wanting to support your friend but also protect your children. I have found the balance is to ask what activities or places to visit that they enjoy or are better environments for them and we take it from there. That way no destruction for my children and their children are less overloaded so more comfortable.
If they say oh well they don't mind coming to yours simply and gently reply of they seemed overloaded why don't we try X instead.

Another vote for meeting elsewhere. Softplay on warm sunny days when they are generally quieter, the park, the beach, national trust, woods, splash park, trampoline place on a sunny day.

It's hard, I have a good friend with a 4 year old who has ASD. They are very destructive and antagonistic in their play. They really like doing things that get reactions and will purposely knock towers over, destroy things children have built, throw things children are playing with, rip up pictures, use toys very roughly for the reaction it causes. The child struggles to communicate (speaks in sentences but is not understandable as the speech sounds and words are all muffled so it sounds like toddler babble) and becomes very physical very fast, they are also a runner. Just like your friend, my friend has normalized the behavior and doesn't intervene until it becomes a crisis. She lives with destruction, physical violence from her child, screaming, shouting and daily meltdowns. She barely leaves the house as she finds his behavior very difficult and has no partner to help. When we go out, she tends to sit back and let others parent her child.

Unfortunately his play style can be very upsetting even for the most robust of our circle of friends children. We are a group of very close mum friends. My own DD, has expressed that she didn't want the child to come and play and she doesn't like them. After a few playdates that have led to destruction, a few broken toys and mainly very upset children we now only meet up at neutral venues with lots of space where the other DC can escape. We also try and avoid too much 1:1 at playdates as their child is so intense. So softplay/ water park/ trampolines is a better fit as the child will play in the water or go on the trampoline or round the softplay giving the others space.

There is a happy medium between putting your needs last and putting them first. I think children do need to learn that helping someone does often mean you being inconvenienced or put in a worse position. The idea that we can only support people if it is at no cost to ourselves is revolting to me (and a very common outlook).

Can you make the children's rooms off limits, so that they play in the living room or garden? You could get a few cheaper generic toys / games that can be used when she visits, but the things that your children value stay in their rooms. That would solve the material things issue, but my concern would be how difficult and stressful your children are finding it. Do they bear the brunt of the visit - are they expected to play with and entertain her daughter while mum sits back? Perhaps that is what needs to change.

I know I've already posted....but some of these responses are really ignorant.

For those that think this child's behaviour is down to a deficit in parental management ('I wouldn't have allowed my autistic child to behave like that' etc etc) - some children have behaviours which are virtually impossible to manage. If my non verbal DS is stopped from whatever he is engaged in, he will pull his hair out at the roots, smack his head into walls and bite himself until he bleeds. That's not to say we don't have to stop him, but it's not as simple as parenting a high functioning child. Sadly it usually means we are totally isolated.