To be struggling with friends SEN child??

It doesn't help that before his illness which caused his mobility issues, he was all about playing football including playing in a team so his friends did that too and had football birthday parties etc so his friends are very football, football, football.

It's partly the age too. He's 9 and birthday parties (if not football) tend to be laser quest, clip n climb type things which obviously naturally excludes him.

It's such a shame your son is isolated due to mobility issues. That should be so easy for people to accommodate. There must be so many activities they could do with your son that don't involve having to run around.

You are correct. I thought it was pretty obvious I was talking about my specific area of SEN.

Yep.

My son doesn't have autism and doesn't have learning disabilities but is physically disabled and in wheelchair so obviously can't run around playing football with the other boys his age so he's isolated by that. He has no behavioural issues.

We don't fit in at SEN groups either so in our case, other SEN families aren't necessarily the answer either.

I agree. However there IS a contingent of parents of (particularly autistic) children who do not try to instill better behaviour.

It’s important to strive due the best we can with our children and that includes being realistic about both ability AND limitations.

I have completely different expectations of my boys who have the same technical diagnosis but very different profiles of cognitive ability.

I’d be mortified if my autistic child did this in someone’s home. I’d offer to pay for anything broken then make sure future arrangements were more suitable. If it’s friends with kids the park or soft play is much better.

This is so true and you see it on here too somone well describe the behaviour of a child with severe autism and learning disabilities, and loads of posters reply with my child is autistic and they don't behave like that
There's a worlds of difference between a child or adult who can understand how their actions impact other and those that can't.

True!

My child has managed to..

Yes well my child smears his own excrement up the walls so I don’t think we’re the same 😂

I think she might have been referencing parents and children with adhd or autism

I am not! I find some of the most judgemental people when it comes to children with very severe needs are smug parents of less severely/much more high functioning children. After all, if they managed to teach certain skills to their children, every parent of a disabled child should.

I said I've found, most of the SEN parents who are isolated are the ones who won't acknowledge the affect their lack of parenting affects other people

The I've found states a lived experience. Not an attitude

You've taken it personally and that's on you🤷‍♀️

You have to put your children and their need for a safe space first. Your friend already knows this is a problem but is dismissing your concerns as you’re one of her last friends they can visit. You have to be honest and say you’ve reached your limit and need a pause on home visits for the foreseeable future.

Doesn't that depend on how severe their needs are? My DS doesn't destroy things but he's non verbal so is isolated by that rather than behaviour. Other children don't understand why he doesn't respond to them and tbh he's not interested in playing with others anyway.
The isolation is so hard, a few weeks ago I cried because DS was invited to a swimming party by one of the children in his class. First time he'd ever been invited to a party and he loved it (because it was swimming).
It's not fair to say children with SEN are isolated because they can't be bothered to parent. I'm really surprised someone with SEN children has that attitude.

That's exactly my experience too. In my family, they're finding and marrying each other in the community too.

Before the penny dropped I always wondered why I found some people hard to talk to and others, you just talk from the outset like you've known each other forever. I now realise they're probably the ND people! We do seem to have a radar. I think it's a good thing overall.

Me and my childhood best friend have been diagnosed with adhd as adults...... my college best friend has also been diagnosed with adhd as an adult 😅

My adult best friend isn't diagnosed but I'd put money on her being ADHD too

I think a lot of us can recognise each other

I was at a blood test app for my DS the other day and started talking to another mum in the waiting area....she had also been diagnosed as an adult 😅

Birds of a feather flock together and all that

I think it's extremely rude and ignorant of you to call my lived experience absolute rubbish. There are a wide range of SEN issues.

My friends and myself joke about how we were attracted to each other through an innate sense of each other's ND, which also benefited the kids.

All parents NT, SEN, or a mix talk about poo, mucus, wee, infections, drugs and lack of sleep. It's a theme of parenting.

Your type of SEN is different to mine but that doesn't make my experience rubbish.

Absolute rubbish....my son has two extremely rare de-novo genetic disorders....meaning they were formed in the womb and no fault of either parent. SEN parents attract SEN parents because we understand each other...for example... my son went to bed at 8.30, three meds to sleep and woke up about 45 minutes ago.....I'm getting no sleep tonight!
SEN parents talk about poo, mucus, wee, infections, drugs and lack of sleep.....some of our kids are in nappies as older teen and will be for life.
Yesterday I removed my sins catheter bag and pee splashed all over my face & on my lips. I was dressed & ready to go out... did I redo make up and waste an hour getting changed? Nope ....
Sometimes I can leave the house and a hour later find poo on my elbow....
SEN mums talk about these things and stop each other thinking they've lost it or they are mad....its just another life.
I met most of my friends at an Opportunity Group when kids were babies and then from his special school. SO NOPE.... We don't all have SEN ourselves.... we just have pain in the bum kids and it takes a special type of parent to understand your feelings x

This is just my experience over the years. My children are young adults now. I do think their friendships with other SEN people are the most valuable for them. They fit together so much more naturally, communicate similarly, understand each other easier. It's a much more relaxed and easy relationship.

They do benefit from being in the wider world and I would never try to isolate them from that. Part of that means accepting they have limitations and there are some things that puts out of reach for now. Pushing to challenge them a bit is one thing but not putting them into situations I know are going to be overly stressful and negative for them. One step at a time.

One thing they (and I) love about being past the school years is that adults get to choose their worlds rather than be pushed into places they don't feel comfortable. We can choose which parts of society we integrate with according to our needs. Oddly enough, that means we tend to naturally end up around a lot of SEN people.

A lot of adult socialise within a sub-culture of their choosing. Our subculture tends to be the SEN individuals out there quite naturally.

I think I have a high proportion of friends with SEN children because the SEN comes from somewhere. The parents probably have some SEN as well if we're talking about neurodiversity. In my experience ND attracts ND as you just slot together so naturally. This is why I think I have so many friends with SEN children, via mother friendship.

Those are fine venues for this child to start meeting with other children for short periods, then build it up. When I know the situation and can anticipate needs, then starting with short visits to my home and hopefully building up would be okay. Throwing a kid in at the deep end isn't the way to go or win support if it leads to problems.

My home isn't the venue to start this sort of thing without an understanding of the needs I am dealing with. If a child comes over and damages things from the off, I'm more likely to be put off than if a child comes over and I anticipate the possibility and have a plan to manage it. Even if the plan is you come over, we can sit with the children while they play outside, and when jr. starts showing signs it's getting to be enough for them, we'll end the visit.

I can also explain managed situations to my children which will make them better able to deal with it and be part of the solution. If their stuff gets destroyed every time, of course it's natural they are going to get upset if the child is coming and not want it. If we can limit destruction and they know the worst thing that happens is the visit ends sooner than expected, they'll be good about visits.

I'm not really sure why you seem to expect everyone else to deal with having things destroyed, being hurt and martyring themselves to allow these behaviours in their homes. A child with SEN doesn't cancel out the needs of other children and people who don't have SEN.

100%

Indeed. Heaven forbid we have to learn that kids with SEN sometimes do things becuase of those special needs.

It literally says ‘we can work on ways to keep you safer’ my whole point was doing both things. Showing empathy AND helping your child understand that kids with special needs sometimes do things that are unkind without meaning to be unkind.

This is why us SEN mums just have friends with SEN children !!

No need to part company!

I did say it shouldn’t be imposed (therefore inflicted) on others, just that I understood how she personally has arrived at that outlook.

I’m hopeful that a candid chat between the two would work something out.