Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surprise girlfriend

64 replies

denpark · 06/08/2025 22:07

I had a fling with a guy a few months ago. It was a brief friendship that resulted in a one night thing and I haven’t seen him since.

This week I had a call from a woman who told me that she was his girlfriend. She knew the date we’d been together, she knew my name and she was yelling down the phone at me that I was a bitch and that I’d ruined her life.

I had no idea that he had a girlfriend. There were no photos on show around the house. I feel awful but from my perspective, I met a single guy…

What do I do now? I have her number. Do I contact her? Do I leave it? I’m so upset that someone has been hurt when I had zero clue that she existed.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/08/2025 16:28

I think I’d just send her a message stating that I thought he was single and would never have gone near him had I known otherwise. Then ask if she needs any more details eg when and where to check if he’s lying to her. I’d be inclined to avoid an actual conversation after the way she behaved before. I get that she’s very upset, but she was out of order. Also, if she was knowingly the other woman to start with , I have little faith in her ability to behave like a decent human being. I think she’ll just be throwing accusations at you.

Sassybooklover · 07/08/2025 16:27

I'd simply reply back 'I'm sorry you are hurting. However, I was not aware X had a girlfriend, as he didn't tell me and gave me the impression he was single. There was no sign of a female living in his home, and therefore I had no reason to suspect he'd lied to me. If I'd known he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have ever got involved with him. It was a ONS, and we've not seen or messaged each other since'. There's nothing else to tell her, other than the truth.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 16:05

Arlanymor · 06/08/2025 22:42

Her behaviour wasn't fair but I think you owe it yourself as to much as her to tell the truth in whatever way keeps you safe but gets the truth out. Her behaviour was not ok, but people do mad things in the heat of anger.

I would text and say: I had no idea he was with anyone, he certainly didn't tell me. I will tell you anything you need to know that might help but not if you are going to scream at me. Do you want a telephone call?

You've done nothing wrong, but the best way to walk away from this is to be upfront and give her the information she needs. Unless she's a total lunatic, in which case the telephone call works and if she's over the top you can hang up and block.

I agree with this.

BySassyGreenPanda · 07/08/2025 16:01

It's easier for her to believe that you knew. It needs to be your fault, so that it isn't his fault. The femme fatale that tempted him. That way she can comfortably ignore the fact he's a lying, cheating pig,

Ucantfixstupid · 07/08/2025 15:07

I would send her a message - "This is as much a surprise to me as it is a shock to you. He told he he was single and I thought we were having no-strings attached fun. I have no invested feelings in this so I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish you all the the best with this man."

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:02

I would talk to her. You don't owe him any loyalty at all.

KhakiOrca · 07/08/2025 14:00

Just tell her the truth. Tell her that you've been cheated on before so would never put someone through that.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/08/2025 13:56

If she was planning to move in with him, then it was a long term plan for her which has now gone up in smoke. She obviously feels hurt and betrayed (by him).

i’d send the message by @Whiningatwine . Gives closure for her.

Whiningatwine · 07/08/2025 13:53

I would message her and say "hi, I just want to say how awfully sorry I am for your hurt. I met x on this date, we had a friendship of a few weeks and then that led on to a ONS. At no point did he ever mention that he had a girlfriend or did I suspect that this was the case. I am also hurt by this, but know it doesn't come close to the betrayal you are feeling. I don't see there is any value in us having a conversation, but wish you all the best"

Send that then block her and don't engage any further.

Hayley1256 · 07/08/2025 13:53

I would tell her what you've said here. You didn't know, there was no sign of a GF at his house etc. I would probably message her 1st saying that you know she's upset but you haven't played a knowing part in any of this and you don't want to talk to her if she's just going to yell at you

Zonder · 07/08/2025 13:52

Elizabeth1000 · 07/08/2025 13:46

I'd just message back saying: I had no idea he had a girlfriend - if I had known, I wouldn't have got involved.

This is a perfect response. There's nothing more you can say.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:48

Sorry that happened by the way, sounds awful.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:47

I think you should send a single message explaining that you had no idea he was in a relationship, would not have done anything with him if you had known, and will not be having anything more to do with him, but that you will not be having a conversation with her due to how she spoke to you, and do not want to be contacted further. Then block her.

Elizabeth1000 · 07/08/2025 13:46

I'd just message back saying: I had no idea he had a girlfriend - if I had known, I wouldn't have got involved.

Original poster
denpark · 07/08/2025 13:44

She has contacted me today more calmly, wanting to talk. What do I do? She doesn’t deserve to be with a cheat but I don’t want to be slap bang in the middle of all of this.

OP posts:
MyQuirkyTraybake · 07/08/2025 13:24

denpark · 06/08/2025 22:33

I know I made a poor judgement call (alcohol played a part but I take full responsibility). However I’m single and thought he was too. I’m an idiot.

You're absolutely not an idiot.

You owe nothing to her. He owes everything to her. She's misdirected her anger. She needs to open her eyes and see him for who he is.

Original poster
denpark · 07/08/2025 09:32

That’s what I reckon he’s done (telling her that I knew). I’m so angry for me and upset for her. What an absolute arsehole. I did some digging and it turns out that he got divorced because, guess what- he cheated. With the girlfriend that phoned me. Plus he’s cheated a lot in the past so he has form.

He was SO convincing. I think I’m in a little bit of shock as I truly believed him. His house was very masculine in appearance and there were no photos of a girlfriend and no obvious signs at all (like no tampons or products in the bathroom). From what she yelled at me it sounds as if they weren’t completely living together but were going to. He was clearly on a mission to score and must have hidden her things.

OP posts:
simsbustinoutmimi · 07/08/2025 02:59

He probably told her you knew he had a gf and led him astray.

Vaxtable · 07/08/2025 00:44

I would message back

he told me he was single the issues with him not me so take it out on him

then block

CyanDreamer · 07/08/2025 00:33

crumblingschools · 07/08/2025 00:20

Did he use a condom, otherwise STI tests all round?

why would anyone wait to discover someone has a girlfriend to worry about no condom and STI?

Original poster
denpark · 07/08/2025 00:28

It was all done safely and I’ve since had STI checks anyway so I know I’m all ok. I’m furious with him and really feel for her but I don’t think I can message her as she was so aggressive. We seem to have mutual friends so I’m going to have to get the message across via a grapevine, I think.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 07/08/2025 00:20

Did he use a condom, otherwise STI tests all round?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/08/2025 00:12

You didn’t make a poor judgement call at all. You were single and believed him to be single. I’d be absolutely furious with him.

CyanDreamer · 06/08/2025 23:26

denpark · 06/08/2025 22:33

I know I made a poor judgement call (alcohol played a part but I take full responsibility). However I’m single and thought he was too. I’m an idiot.

you're not an idiot at all, how on earth would you guess? You went to his place as well, it's not like he could have hidden if he was married with kids.

It's one night with a guy, don't fret about it, you've done nothing wrong as long as he wore a condom. (for your own safety)

nomoreshite · 06/08/2025 23:04

EveryOtherNameTaken · 06/08/2025 22:39

Just message you had no idea he had a gf and she should be approaching him about the situation and not you.

Then block.

That's what I would do