It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

Ah fab, you have saved me typing out a long post. I agree with this entirely!!!

YANBU

Your DH is being ridiculously rude and doesn’t sound like anyone who has hosted anything in his life.

The audacity to think it is perfectly ok to push your spouse to ask their mum to invite his mother and sister when she already has a lot of people to host is silly. Nowhere does it say that his mum and sister want to come all that way in the first place especially if they live six hours away for Christmas.

It seems he feels guilty for whatever reason and that is his problem to solve, not yours and definitely not your mum. My guess is he wants to see his mum and sister but doesn’t want to travel to them so wants to have them travel to you all instead. He sounds like the selfish one.

I will never understand how people can be so dramatic over Christmas and the emotional manipulation on this thread is unfortunately unsurprising when it comes to one bloody holiday.

Also didn’t get the memo that the definition of alone changed from one person to two people, but I guess it is only when it concerns Christmas. 🙄

OP has made it very clear that her mum doesn't accept any help offered when cooking the Christmas dinner. Sometimes other people helping are more of a hindrance than a help, particularly if they don't know where things are kept and need to keep asking questions.

OP doesn't want to put her mum in the position of feeling that she needs to say yes to OP's MIL and SIL being invited out of a sense of duty/obligation and so as not to upset her son-in-law.

Oddly, though I have suggested if your DM is happy then invite MiL, it is perfectly possible to have a lovely Christmas with just 2 of you. My late DH preferred this though we almost always went to the big family get-together. And MiL and SiL could book a hotel for Christmas if they wished, too.

This

Your husband needs to grow up. Taking in turns at Christmas is very common and an attempt to be fair. Why does your mum have to host another 2 people?

So you agree with her DH that he should get to see his family every year, and OP only every other year, and to enable this, OPs mum should facilitate it without even being asked?

The majority of people who have voted also think that OP is not being unreasonable. I think very few people change their minds/position, even if most posters disagree with them.

Of course you should invite them. 2 more people is nothing especially if you actually help your mum.

I think you are making excuses and I agree with your DH.

What's the point of asking a lot of unknown people on the internet if you are being unreasonable when you clearly have already decided that you are not?

That's guilt tripping nonsense. They agreed to spend alternate Christmases with each other's family which seems fair. Her DH is now expecting OP's mum to host two extra people that she doesn't know well. He is being unfair.

But unlike you, OP's MIL and SIL are not completely on their own as they spend Christmas Day together and it's only just the two of them every other year.

I'd happily spend Christmas Day with just my adult daughter if my two adult sons and their families spend it with their in-laws.

OP has said that when she and her DH buy a bigger house, both sides of the family will be invited to spend Christmad with them. It's only because OP and her DH are spending Christmas at OP's mum's house that OP is reluctant to invite them as it puts more pressure on her mum.

I've read this thread with bemusement and horror.
The guilt tripping, name calling and over emotive posts from some posters...
Crying and in sorrow because @OtterlyMad isn't doing what her 'd'H is demanding!
Bonkers!

One other point - if Christmas was split we used to aim for one of the other Christmas weekends eg Spanish Christmas in our New Year or Sinterklaas earlier in December and the DC would have the relevant presents on those days. This distinguished it from a regular weekend visit and spread the present giving for the DC.

My mum doesn't mind. She has plenty of company and we go down Christmas eve or Boxing Day instead. She wouldn't want my in-laws to be on their own.

Yep, this sums it up pretty well.

I too can empathise with your situation. At the risk of upsetting you but worth asking I think, have you looked into events or charities close to you on Christmas Day where your help could be welcomed or if not volunteering yourself - that you could engage with? Charities like Age UK, Crisis and Shout are always seeking volunteers not just at Christmas but you can tap into these charities for support during the Christmas season. There are probably things local to you too. Approach your local volunteer services if you think it might be something you could do.

I think you are being a bit uncharitable.

MIL and FIL would be on their own this year because DH is with my side and BIL will be with gf but my parents have invited them to our family Christmas. 2 more people won’t make much of a difference to hosting and it’s nice to include people at Christmas.

ILs and DPs are friends though and the mums have lunch/coffee together and they go to each others for dinner sometimes without us so it won’t be awkward as everyone already gets on.

@PestoHoliday is spot on. I don’t think you’re being mean at all, @OtterlyMad. I would feel exactly the same as you!

Has DH asked them if they enjoy Christmas just the two of them or with local friends?

YANBU to want to stick to the alternate year arrangement but YABU for assuming how others actually feel.

My DM was the Christmas host for many years and like your DM she was always “bring them on” when it came to extras. As they lived three hours from us but reasonably near to my iLs we all joined up and it worked well.

Time moves on, we had DC and hauling DC, presents and everything else across country became too much and hosting moved to us. We invited everyone, some came and some didn’t. My iLs (well mainly FiL) preferred to stay home and have a quieter time, sometimes my parents would go to a different sibling. If we didn’t see one set on Christmas Day we would visit them either in the run up to Christmas or early in the NY (this worked quite well to break up January!).

DH is unreasonable to assume your family will double up hosting so that he can still spend Christmas day with his own family every year. However you should discuss with your DM on the basis that she must be willing ot accept some help. Also maybe try to book an AirBnB or similar for you all or at least DH’s family to reduce the load on DM and give them some respite from a large crowd. If she says “yes” then DH needs to ask his family what they would enjoy. They can say for themselves if they would prefer just the two of them.

You can also split and continue to separately see your own parents, at least until you have DC.

In a few years you or a sibling may become “the host” and things change again. At some I dare say point one of mine will take over the hosting and I’ll be the visitor. The wheel moves on, don’t waste it sweating the small stuff - just ask each set of parents what they actually want.

I still think you should both just go to see your own families. Him insisting you going to his every other year while he goes to his every year is weird and he just needs to accept that it isn't how it works.

YANBU, it changes the dynamics, & would it then become an expectation that they're invited each time.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want Christmas with your own family and not your in-laws. That's why people compromise and alternate - that's what is fair. It's neither here nor there that your family is big and his is not. His mum and sister are not alone - they have each other!

I also think it's rude AF for him to make this decision on your mum's behalf. It's not his house and it's not his invitation to issue. Your mum shouldn't be put in this position imo. Maybe she's happy hosting her own kids but doesn't want to be even more overcrowded by hosting people who aren't really anything to do with her! I believe that if your mum wanted to invite them, she would - it's inappropriate to ask.
He's being manipulative with all this 'gate keeping' shite - I'd be inclined to say that his family isn't yours and that you are allowed to not want to share every Christmas with them! If he wants to pull that crap, he deserves to hear the truth - most people would prefer to spend 'big' occasions with our own families and we alternate to be fair not because we really want to!

It’s not OP’s DH’s decision to make - but it is a normal thing to have to sort out / discuss for most couples / families every Christmas I think.

OP doesn’t want it but if she did then her mum at least needs to be asked whether she wants extra guests and if she does then the MIL & SIL need to be asked if they want to go.

But I hate all this pressure around having to do it on a specific date when there are so many factors to consider (eg, a long distance, relationships, personalities etc), because it should be a relaxing, enjoyable time (whatever that means to everyone).

We always offer to host Xmas for everyone, but we live a couple of hours from my (bigger) family, so tend to meet them for a meal pre or post Christmas, or they come to us for a meal / present drop the week before.

My In-laws live round the corner & we tend to see them pre & post Christmas too. They nearly always invite us round for the day but we don’t want to spend every Christmas Day with them or my DH’s older brother and his wife tbh, who almost always go, and for us it feels fairer to do it the way we do.

Last year we just stayed at home with our young dd & it was lovely.

If you don’t have children, couldn’t DH just go and spend it with his family if he’s so concerned about them?

I’ve always told DH that as long as my parents are alive I’ll be sat round their table for Christmas dinner. He has the choice whether to spend it with me, or his side of the family. As it happened in the last few years his brothers have all split off to spending it with their own family/girlfriends which is why MIL comes with us to my parent’s house. It works well for us because we have 2 kids now and I don’t think he’d want to be away from them for any part of the day.

I am a more the merrier kind of person and I still think you shouldn't invite them!

Like you say

• It's not your house
• There's a disparity in the kind of people they are, either your family will have to curtail themselves or the in-laws will likely feel uncomfortable
• You already split every other year
• There's two of them so they're not alone!
• It's a bit offensive to them to suggest they're some boring losers all by themselves, if there was ever a reason it was just me and my mum at Christmas I would be very happy to spend the time together!

Having said that I'm not convinced your in-laws would actually like to come in the first place, are you close enough to do some digging? Because if you know they'll refuse you could avoid the argument with DH by showing willing knowing they'll say no anyway 😇