It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

I'm really surprised how many posters think the OP is BU.

Firstly (and pretty importantly) - it isn't her place to invite extra people to someone else's house. I really shocked how many people seem to think that is 'a thing'.
Then there is also the point of family being family and all being relaxed with each other and having their own traditions / banter / way of doing things. Bring other people in and the whole dynamic changes.
Then the fact there aren't enough places / spaces at the table.
Lastly, neither MiL nor SiL have to be alone. Most obviously they can be with each other, but what about the other people in their own lives? It isn't the OP's responsibility to organise the social lives of 2 people who live 6 hours away.
Going there in alternate years seems more than reasonable to me, especially as it sounds like it is much quieter and a very different Christmas from what she is used to and what she enjoys. That is what couples tend to do to compromise.

Great for you but this thread isn’t about you.

This. It’s mean and if you loved your husband you would do it for him.

My DP has a small family, his mum and brother, I have a big one, the first time we invited them I felt so nervous but it was lovely, and they had a great time. Fast forward 4 years and it’s now the done thing when it’s not ‘their year’.

Ok, so I’ll add ‘obtuse’ and ‘hypocrite’ to the insults for saying to allow a man to be with his mother and sister at Christmas (at his request).

She said she knew her mum would say yes, and others on the thread have suggested OP and DH could support her hosting with cooking and food. It’s easily sorted - unless you don’t want it to be. Calling me a hypocrite by some reverse logic that it’s unkind to invite your son in law’s mother and sister over at Christmas is just… an opinion I’ll respect!

I agree with what you're saying but quite a lot of people did disagree with the OP and were very critical of her.
It does make me wonder why anyone would put themselves through that if they already knew they were not going to change their mind.

The reality is that they live 6 hours away and are introverts so highly unlikley they have spent much time with OPs family.

How can the woman who gave birth to DH be a stranger?! He clearly doesn’t see them as strangers if he wants to spend this (and every other) Christmas with them? It feels like huge stretches are being made to accommodate putting a huge distance between DH and his family. There’s clearly no seeing eye to eye on it if it’s been decided that they don’t belong with the extended family and they aren’t really family anyways.

I woulnt inflict my ILs on my siblings even if my DM agreed - note your DM hasnt spontaneously invited them already? I suspect she has reservations. Dont inflict this on your DM - will it go on for ever?

Is the deal then that the ILs would invite all of yours up to theirs for Xmas the next year - thought not!!

Also what have this small family done all their lives in xmas past until you came along? THEY have had every opportunity to invite anyone they like rather than be a 2 or 3 - seems they like it that way or are not socially open or generous - you reap what you sow.

Your DH is an arse.

The majority of people who voted agree with OP.

Also, does 'wind your neck in' mean force OP's mum to invite two extra people that she hardly knows to Christmas dinner when OP knows that she won't want to but won't feel able to say no and upset her son-in-law. Why is all the sympathy and concern directed at OP's DH's family and not on OP's mum?

It's not kind to invite people to someone else's house for Christmas - at best it's socially inept, at worst it's bloody rude!

It's very easy to 'be kind' when you are not doing any of the work or being inconvenienced in any way. I don't know how many times the socially inept/rude posters need this to be repeated, but it's not the OP's invitation to issue!

All that aside, it's also okay to just not want to invite them - it isn't mean or unkind to prefer Christmas with one's own family. It really isn't a universal belief that your children's/siblings in-laws become your own family.

What happens if OP's siblings have in-laws who are spending Christmas just with one other person - do they all get an invitation to OP's poor mum?

What are you on about?
The majority of both the comments and the voting are saying OP ISNT being U.

What you, an individual thinks isnt magically extrapolated to become the "majority of mumsnetters."

You are being obtuse. The acts of kindness that you are encouraging OP to perform by inviting her in-laws to Christmas dinner at her mum's require OP to be unkind to her own mother as she knows that her mum won't want to do this but wouldn't feel able to say no.

Your care and concern are only directed at OP's in-laws. They are not directed at OP and her mum. You are being hypocritical.

Love all the posters merrily ignoring all logics of physics and economics to insist that unless you invite everyone youve ever met to spend every christmas with you you're worse than scrooge.

I can't decide whether it's deliberate arseyness or just your standard middle class mumsnetter completely oblivious to concepts like millions of people not even having a dining room and saving up all year in their asda cashpot to be able to afford to cater for 5, let alone 30 plus.

Who needs a seat of their own? Nothing says merry Christmas like balancing the Brussels sprouts as you squat on the living room floor or balance half a bum cheek on the rim of the bath. Or indeed a plate? sharing is caring. They can sleep 4 to a bed like Charlie bucket grandparents. Forget a turkey so big it won't fit in the oven, just buy a mythical chicken, that will feed the extended relations and friends of two whole families.

Meanwhile in actuality you know most of the people castigating OP spend Christmas with "their own little family" and only begrudgingly pop round to visit their ILs at some point in the new year.

Ah that classic AIBU

Majority of Mumsnetters: yes, yes you are, wind your neck in
OP: No I'm not, stop being mean to me, wahhh

(not sure why you’re calling them strangers?!)

Because, @WorcsEdu , my brother's sister in law is a stranger to me. As is my brother in-law's mother in law. They are not my family by any stretch.

These two women are her DH's family. They are the OP's in-laws. They aren't family to her mum and dad, her siblings and their spouses, nor their nephews or nieces. They are strangers to almost all of the 12 people at her mum's Christmas Day meal.

"The more the merrier" very much depends on who's attending. My autistic niece, for instance, would absolutely hate having a stranger there over a meal. Too many people, too much sensory stimulation, far too draining on her social battery. My adult son would mask at the time but then need to decompress for 36 hours.

My Mum could feed an extra two or three without blinking an eye. I've had to accommodate an extra 5 on the fly and managed it with only a little bit of cussing.

My in-laws, on the other her hand, need advance notice in triplicate for every minor alteration and someone unfamiliar coming to dinner sends them into a spin.

If the DH really can't manage to respect the alternate year agreement, he can go see his mum and sister on his own.

You are being a bit precious. I think you should invite them. And whether or not they come, stop moaning about your mum being run ragged and help her. Offer to make the roasties, a pudding or the turkey. Everyone can and should be pulling their weight. Your MiL can bring something too.

Understand, sorry.

No amount of insults or name calling me will change encouraging kindness = encouraging kindness. Saying it’s patronising says more about how you perceive kind acts than the act itself. I gave my opinion because family (not sure why you’re calling them strangers?!) coming together is what Christmas (and life really) should be about.

If your in laws are up for it and your mum doesn’t mind then let the in laws come. Don’t upset your husband, good for everyone to get together and not your place to be vetoing. You and DH bring puddings/ cheeseboard/fizz whatever to help your mum out and carry on doing it going forward.

Please stop being so patronising. OP's DH isn't being kind to OP's mum by expecting her to invite two people she hardly knows to an already pretty crowded Christmas dinner. And he isn't being kind to OP by expecting her to ask her mum to do this, when OP knows that she won't want to but will feel obliged to say yes.

"It's extremely difficult for people on their own"

Whilst it is sad that you feel so isolated @YourBrickTiger for me, personally, I would amend your statement to read it's difficult for SOME people who are on their own.

😂Somehow who replies this way is the LAST person I’d be looking to for how to have a loving and magical Christmas!! Gosh please, even if you retort with another insult, have a private think about how kindness and coming together is at the heart of this. Being kind to one another genuinely makes you happier.

It is not OP's place to invite people to an event where she is not the host. That's a very simple social rule. Why do so few people on this thread understand it?

DH's mum and sister are not the last standing. And for the hundredth time on this thread, the invitation is not OP's to make. Her mum is hosting Christmas and any extras don't just affect her, they affect all the other guests too. If her mum wanted extras, she'd invite them. And of course she'd then have to invite her other childrens' in laws too. And it would all become ridiculous.