It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

I’d normally agree with you, but in this instance if divorce did ensue it would be because the wife and her mum and her entire family didn’t do what one man (the DH) wants them to do. It would be entirely his fault. So, let divorce happen if it means women saying no to being guilted into doing things that aren’t in their interest and that they don’t want to do.

@OtterlyMad would they even accept the invitation to your mum's home? I've been invited to my daughter's partners family Christmas. I accepted and enjoyed the day. I knew I would never accept any future invitations. I'm happy with a quiet day tbh.
On the other hand, your husband must enjoy your family's Christmas, if he also wants his mum and sister there.

Spending Christmas alone (which nobody in this scenario is) isn’t some awful tragic thing, although I’d happily skip the country for the whole season. Why does being alone on December 25th have to be sad? I haven’t a single Christmas Day with my in laws in the almost 20 years of being with DH, due to logistics and other factors. My own DF decided he’d spend Christmas Day alone last year as he couldn’t come to us and get back home in time for Boxing Day football (and the disruption of having our ASD child in his small flat wasn’t hugely appealing). It’s hardly a tragedy.

@OtterlyMad out of curiosity have you never had or never wanted to have a Christmas with just your DH?

Pre-DC we had some amazing holidays at Christmas or some Christmases with friends (including the occasional waif/stray because we were hosting and could invite people if we wanted, would never invite my in laws to my parents and don’t know my siblings in laws and would hate it).

Well whatever rocks your boat. But I can't imagine wanting to join someone's big jolly family affair when I could have a quiet Christmas on my own.

And people wonder why divorce rates are so high 🤣

Don't cave OP - and mind your CF husband doesn't just ask your mum anyway and cut you out of the equation, before presenting you with a fait accompli!

Well tough, when they live 6+ hours apart and she’s invited elsewhere 🤷‍♀️

I’ve thought some more about this, substituting your family for mine. Doesn’t work the same as DH’s parents and mine live thousands of miles apart, all four still alive and together. But they too have only met twice, ever. And no I absolutely wouldn’t want to mix them out of worry that one set would feel lonely: my dad would be a nightmare guest and a nightmare host because he’s old and particular and difficult and my mum has her hands full dealing with him. It would be truly hellish. Easier for everyone for them to be home and alone. Which has indeed been the case many years.

Ultimately this is about your DH wanting to have his wife and mother and sister together every Christmas. That’s not realistic or fair. Or, indeed, customary. Customarily married couple alternate and/or host. This year should be very easy as there are no grandchildren to worry about: you go to your parents and he goes to his mum and sister. It’s really not a big deal. He’s the one with the issue, it’s easy to solve by him giving up something he wants (you). It’s actually a bit off that he expects other people to give up things they want (the easy family time he’s seeking, decreased worry, no strangers in their midst) so he can have everything he wants. It wouldn’t “mean” anything if you spend the day apart. You’re married, not conjoined twins. It’s actually a thoughtful thing for him to do, give up his wife for a day for his mum and sister. It’s really about your mindset. (My DH wouldn’t do this because he prioritizes his wife, mum, sister differently. But then my DH would never ask my to ask my parents to host his mum and sister. He appreciated when he got married that things would change and that his family of origin was morphing by the inclusion of me (and then subsequent siblings in law).)

Honestly this seems like the best solution to me. Marriage doesn’t mean you drop everyone else in your life and become soldered together as a single unit. You’re just married, that’s all. He’s being thoughtful to his mum and sister by not abandoning them (or so he thinks), you’re being thoughtful to your mum and family by not increasing the workload and bringing strangers to their table that they haven’t consented to and wouldn’t necessarily appreciate.

I am not one of those people.

But I am also not a person who invites people to an event that someone else is hosting, and where 10 of the 12 people who have been invited by the host, don't know them.

You’re not being selfish at all OP! It changes the dynamic for everyone. I don’t think my family would want to spend Xmas with my in-laws. In fact my parents did one holiday with them and immediately after told me never again!

And maybe his mother and sister would not like to travel six hours for him to do so?

Why is what he wants ok when there are no thoughts or consideration to what it means to make that happen?

They agreed alternate years and he had his year last year with OP and his family.

He wants to change it now with no consideration to how it affects his MIL who is doing all the hosting and isn’t the type to accept help and as OP said, there isn’t a lot of room there to begin with.

Tbf you've asked on MN where most people have quite poor social skills, are awkward, anxious and introverted and hate people 🤣 I think RL the response would be a bit different. This is the place where people don't answer their doors, have gone NC with families, LTB in an instant, can't bear going into the office or talking with their colleagues, hate weddings, don't have many if any friends etc etc

Perhaps he would also like to spend Christmas with his wife?

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

The only person being selfish here is OP’s DH.

His mother and sister live 6+ hours away from them!!! Some of you may be happy to travel that but there are many people that aren’t and unless I missed it, nowhere does it say they even want to come all the way to him in the first place and doesn’t seem like they often do to begin with. (Please correct me if I’m wrong OP)

He expects them to travel all that way to him so his MIL can host them for Christmas. I highly doubt he doesn’t know what his MIL is like.

There’s a lot of posters ignoring the amount of LABOUR all the women around him have to do to accommodate his wishes when he can easily travel his arse the 6+ hours to see his mum and sister for Christmas if it means that much to him, but obviously doesn’t want to.

If the deal you made with your DH is to alternate Christmas between the families then that’s what he should stick to. It’s not fair on you or your family to not have your own family Christmas just because your DH wants to invite his mum and sister. Like other posts have said it’s not your DHs invitation to give. I’m from a small family and that’s just how it works out sometimes - but I would much rather spend Christmas with just my DH than be invited to an in laws separate family celebrations. I would worry that no one will be able to fully relax - and that’s not fair on your mum.

Fair enough, just calling it as I read it.

Can you not be yourself around your mother in law? When I say not be yourself I mean your Christmas jolly drunk self? Personally, I would ask your mum if it would be ok to extend the invite and try to get her to let go a little and let everyone chip in. If the mother in law declines, at least you tried. It might work out brilliantly all round. Sometimes people with small families long for a proper family knees-up and will get stuck in.

It’d be a nice thing to do.

My parents and in-laws met at our wedding and haven’t seen each other since. DH and I have been married for almost 13 years.

Did you miss my first sentence?

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

It doesn't sound like you like your in laws.

I'm also not sure I'm an exception, given how many people have disagreed with you.

My parents and ex in-laws met twice - once about a month before the wedding (I insisted, really don't know why now looking back) and at the wedding. My father left my mother after my wedding, I got divorced 2 and a half years later...neither of my parents ever saw my in-laws again.

Even if all the above had not happened, I doubt they would have had any relationship anyway. Nothing in common, I was not going to be having children, so no grandchildren to bond over. I had relatives of my ex husband at the wedding that I had never met before, and never saw again.

I think some posters on here watch too many hollywood films/programmes where in-laws are all massively in each others lives.

Anyway. To repeat for the millionth fucking time THE INVITATION IS NOT THE OPS TO GIVE, SHE IS NOT THE HOST AND IT IS NOT HER HOUSE.

@OtterlyMad I agree that it’s not particularly common. My in-laws have three married children and aren’t close to any of their parents. Not because they’re not friendly people, but they have little in common with them. My eldest SI, for example, tried hard to cultivate a proper friendship between her parents and in-laws, but it just didn’t work. All nice people, but one set have a military background and the others are former hippies. So although they respect each other, they have little common ground. 😂 She gave up after a few years.

@shampooing3 of us on one side and 2 on the other. Families happy to welcome each other into each of their homes. Both my husband and dad have experienced Christmas alone (both have come to live in the uk from abroad) so maybe this is a factor.

My parents and in-laws met at the wedding and christenings and that was it. They had nothing in common. Not everybody has family like the Brady Bunch.