It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

Yes but there are differences.

I have invited a friend for xmas this year when she would be on her own. But I am inviting her to my own house, not someone else’s house where someone else will be the host.

My friend did also come to my mum’s house many years ago for xmas. But the main differences are that there were only 5 people there, not 14, and it was a 1 time thing, whereas this may well turn into a more regular occurance if op’s DH insists his mum and sister are never alone.

People are allowed to say no to things. It doesn’t mean they aren’t ‘welcoming’.

I would invite them. They may well turn down the offer anyway, but If it were the other way round and you had the small family, I am sure you wouldn't want to leave your mum all by herself at Christmas. That's really sad and quite mean. Maybe to lift the pressure off your mum, perhaps you could help her by cooking some stuff at home - maybe the veggies or the Christmas pudding and heating it up when you get to your mum's. And then perhaps others do the washing up and let your mum put her feet up. I know you say she feels that as she's the host, she should do it, but if everyone else insists she doesn't and won't take no for an answer then she will have no choice. As you have said, a small part of the reason is that you feel you won't be able to relax in front of your in-laws, but that's not really the Christmas spirit is it? As long as your husband is attentive to them, there is no reason why you can't enjoy yourself as usual.

personally I find it actually quite rude to invite extra guests to someone else’s house!
Let’s be honest, your mum would know that every other year your in laws are alone, if she wanted extra guests every other year she would have already suggested that you invite them !! - she hasn’t!
Plus, do any of your siblings bring their in-laws along? I can see this causing issues for other people attending your mums… I mean what happens when your brothers in-laws hear that your in laws received an invite but they didn’t?!
I think your husband is actually unfair to expect his relatives to be invited and hosted by someone else! Maybe HE should invite them to your house, and HE should cook for them and host them Christmas Day at yours, while you go to your mothers for the day…… then maybe you Both could also do something Boxing Day for them which includes you and you could invite your mother too so that you have a mini Christmas Boxing Day at your house with both mothers?! Or invite the inlaws to travel to yours Boxing Day and stay a few days?!

@phoenixrosehere beat me to it. I was about to say 'imagine this OP':

" I'm hosting Christmas for my family of 12. It's frantic and makes my house burst at the seams, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. But now my DD has said that her DH's mum and sister have to be invited. I barely know them, and the rest of the family have never met them.
It's going to be extra work and we're going to be crammed in like sardines. And it's going to totally alter the vibe. Cooking for and hosting people I don't know will be much more stressful, and we won't be able to relax and just be us. I really don't want them here but I can't say no, can I? I feel like I'm being forced into this by my son in law."

During my first marriage of 13 years, our parents met precisely twice. During my civil partnership, my mother met my in-laws once and my father never. Obviously, they might have met more had they not started dying 7 years into the relationship but I doubt it! My partner has spent more time with my brother, SiL and their daughters, but never more than 3 times a year.

I think people whose families all live close might spend more time together but there are many of of us for whom that's just not practical.

Yep, this is a fair summation of many respondents.

I also think many of them actually did read your posts and are perfectly well aware that you're in the right, but their own biases and desire to bully others into submission ensures they will never admit that.

I don’t think you should invite them and think if you ask your Mum you’re putting her in a difficult position. If you were hosting then yes but you’re not, your Mum is. It’s also about how everyone else would feel and as PP said, imagine if everyone invited their in laws. They won’t be in their own, they have each other, in fact we don’t even know if they’d want come. Perhaps if your DH is that upset he could go and spend Christmas with them.

If your DH is feeling guilty it’s his problem to solve not yours.

You’re seriously using some transactional malarkey and ignoring the 12 hour round trip and more logistics to make this happen.

You really think four people should go out of their way (still don’t know if his mother and sister actually want to do this just him wanting it) for one person who is choosing to put his wants over everyone else when he himself can go and see his mum and sister for Christmas?

It would be a touch different if they lived close but they don’t. 12 hours+ round trip may be nothing to you but for many, that is a lot especially to spend it with your son/brother’s in-laws and extended family that you don’t know in their very crowded home and the cost and logistics to do so.

I come from a massive family. 12 is nothing (Dad had nine siblings) and the door was revolving for Christmas with family, children, friends, and neighbours but there were eight bedrooms so more than enough space and areas that were a bit more quiet. My aunt does the hosting now and she and her husband built the equivalent of a large country house to accommodate the family with plenty of places for people to sleep if they need to stay. The family gets very loud but there are still plenty of spaces for others to go somewhere quiet when it become too much and some utilise that especially those with children because it would last until 2/3am.

Wonder what the vote would be if it was OP’s MIL writing an AIBU about hosting two extra people in her crowded home or OP’s MIL about her son urging her and her daughter to come to see him when he is far away to spend it with his wife’s immediate and extended family.

Besides, if his MIL wanted them there surely she would have invited them on her own or had done it previously years, no?

If that were the case, OP’s DH wouldn’t be pushing OP to ask her in the first place.

Curious OP, how much time do you spend with his family when you visit and him with yours on Christmas? Is he usually there for most of the day when you see your family?

They don't have to be close. They just could be friendly and make an effort. But then I grew up in a household where we scooped up various extras for Christmas day and made it welcoming.

I’m finding it difficult to understand why you can’t see that not all families are that close. Parents and in laws may not be close because they live miles apart and hardly see eachother.

My parents and in laws aren’t close because they live miles apart, have only met 3 times in 10 years, and also because my mum was rude to my in laws last time.

I actually have a first cousin who i have never met and only spoken to once. I count him as a stranger.

@PinkyFlamingo Don't you think that if the OP invites her MIL and SIL then her siblings might assume that they can also invite their in-laws?

I honestly think that if her Mum wanted to invite more people she’d extend invitations herself. I don’t think that she wants to host more people than she already is.

So it's all down to your Mum? Why would an extra 2 people mean she would "run herself ragged"?

I have to presume you are talking about the OP's dh, in terms of 'people' being so uncaring ?

He doesn't care that his Mum and sister would have to travel 6 hours each way
He doesn't care they would likely be uncomfortable being foisted into another family's Christmas traditions and celebrations?
He doesn't care about the fact that would mean further people sitting on the floor / balancing on the arm of the sofa?
He doesn't care that his MiL has to host two people she doesn't really know, which is very different from having your family round ?
He doesn't care that all the extended family have two strangers foisted upon them ?

If you are talking about the OP's dh, then you are right. He doesn't seem to care about anyone but his own dream of wanting to be able to be with his Mum and sister and his wife every year, despite apparently thinking it was perfectly reasonable last year for his wife to travel out of her comfort zone and spend Christmas with his family rather than doing what she would prefer.

You are being SOOO disrespectful to OP. It’s not drama over nothing. It’s something - to her. She doesn’t want them there because she wouldn’t enjoy her Christmas. That’s not nothing. She doesn’t want to put the other 10 people off because of two randoms (to them). That’s not nothing. She doesn’t want an already stressed mum dealing with two newbies. That’s not nothing. Not everyone is easy come easy go. Not everyone is like you. They don’t have to be - your way isn’t better. It’s just different. You’re showing the OP as little respect as her own DH. Sheesh.

Are you talking about the DH here? Or are you talking about the wife + the MIL + his own mother + sister - FOUR WHOLE WOMEN - going “slightly” out of their comfort zones and putting themselves out “a bit”? Not to mention all the other guests OP’s mum hosts. All so that the DH’s sole feelings can be spared.

Do you see how warped your perspective is? Oh it’s nothing, just another couple of people, not a big deal. Yes it’s a big deal! Why must women ALWAYS efface themselves while men get to bulldoze with their wishes or else mete out aggression?

If you don’t see this I feel sorry for you. This is clearly contentious to husband and wife. They need a resolution that works for both. Not just for him with her (and three other women and 10 other guests) giving in so that he gets what he wants.

It's just such a drama over nothing. I can't imagine people being so stubborn and uncaring in real life. Relationships are all about compromise, and it is Christmas ffs. I couldn't be with someone who treated my family like this. Anywhoo, as I said earlier big drama over nothing, 2 extra people when you already have 12 is no big deal, you wouldn't even need to make extra food. If this was reversed and it was the DH acting like this, everyone would think he was an arse. I also can't believe how transactional people can be, even when it's family 😳

Where is the slightly?

So four women should possibly go out of their comfort zone for a man who had an agreement with his wife about the Christmas holiday and had Christmas with his family last year and now all of a sudden wants to change it and have her ask her mother to host his mother and sister in an already very crowded home and whom live 6+ hours away making it an over 12 hour round trip for them just so he can get the Christmas he wants when he can go to see his mother and sister for a few days and spend the rest of the holidays and new years with his wife?

Is he paying for his mother and sister to come stay with them if they do want to come? Is there enough room for them to stay with him and OP or would they need to pay for accommodations? Would they have to drive or fly? What if his mother wants to come but his sister doesn’t which means she is all by herself?

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

Because they very likely are. How can you not grasp that is really very normal for millions of families ?

My DB and DSiL have been married 38 years. I met her sister the night before the wedding, again on the day of the wedding, once more at their dd's Christening, and then once a couple of years ago when SiL's sister called in when we stayed with them for a couple of days. She's perfectly nice, as is her dh (who I met for the first time when they popped in a couple of years ago, but they aren't part of my family, and we don't live that close and, having met her 4 times and him once in 38 years I'd say we are near strangers.

I can go through all sorts of examples.
My parents weren't friends with any of their dcs' spouses' parents. All got along fine at the weddings, and first birthday parties / christenings, but all have their own families and own friends and don't need to particularly bond with other couples because their dc married each other.
Same with my dcs' partners' parents. One set I've never met. The other I've met in passing a few times (like we all helped when our dc moved into their first house. They seem really nice, but they have their own family and own circle of friends, just like us. We seem to get on well enough but I wou;dn't want to spend Christmas with them - just as it sounds unlikely the OP's MiL or SiL would want to intrude into the OP's extended family Christmas.

Have the MIL and sister actually given any indication they would want this or feel lonely at Christmas? Seems like DH is making a lot of assumptions on their behalf. The idea of throwing this many ppl together sounds v stressful to me so I guess I am not really understanding most pps replies. You could just visit them after or before Christmas; I've never really understood this obsession with the exact date tbh, Christmas is a season to my mind.

Its just such a big deal over a non issue. It's crazy how unwilling people are to go even slightly out of their comfort zone or put themselves out a bit for someone else unless they're getting something out of it. It's no wonder society is turning to custard 😕

Yes, it's a bit shit that he is trying to force her to give up her turn of the agreement and trying to make OP force her mother to invite people she is quite capable of inviting herself (had she wanted to) into her overcrowded home for no actual reason.

What a shame he thinks now that it's his wife's turn to get the benefit of the arrangement he agreed to he can just ignore that.

I can indeed see how divorce rates get to be high when one partner (in this case the husband) is so over entitled and pushy.

Thank you :)

Yeah I was just thinking it's very hard to take an invitation back if she doesn't want her in laws invited to her mother's every year, but if she's planning to change that's easier. Christmas causes such strife every year, it's a shame

But they're your family. How can your parents think someone you are now related to is a near stranger?

Because that’s reality for a lot of people. I know in soap operas distant relatives turn up out or the blue and have moved in a day later, but real life isn’t like that.

Besides, it isn’t just OP and her parents. It’s a huge family Christmas; there are several other people who need to feel comfortable too. Even if OP’s parents knew her in-laws well, what about OP’s siblings, their partners and so on? Do they want to mix with someone else’s in-laws? I got stuck with my sister’s FIL last year and it was honestly the most tedious Christmas I’ve ever spent. As for his daughter, I met her once at the wedding and probably wouldn’t even recognise her if she passed her in the street.

She said in a previous post "Hopefully we’ll have upsized by then (or when the children are still little) so we’ll be able to host. I look forward to not having to go anywhere on Christmas Day and just sending out a single WhatsApp message saying “dinner is at 2pm, BYOB, everybody welcome, like it or lump it” 🤣"

Which seems very sensible.

@OtterlyMad just to throw another spanner into the works, what do you think you'll do if you have children?

That at least gives you an opportunity to mix things up if you're not happy