It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

I'm another one that thinks your mil and sil might not even want to come - where would they even sleep at your mums?

But yeah, I agree, if they did say yes it's not fair for them to come to your mum's if they're then not going to return the favour and invite your family to theirs next year. Maybe put that to your DH? Say 'If I ask your mum and sister to come to mine this year, they'll host my family next year, right?' (even if in reality they probably wouldn't come, you can pretend they would - "actually mum mentioned once she'd love to do a different type of christmas one year, so perhaps uncle bob and aunty mary and the kids wouldn't have to come as well but my mum, sis, her partner and DC would LOVE to come and stay with your mum.")

If he says no, then you can parrot his own argument back to him. 'Why? You clearly hate my family then. You're being selfish. You're gatekeeping your family.' Perhaps then he'll realise how ridiculous it is.

If he continues moaning just say that the other option is that either neither of you see your families over Christmas and you just do it together the two of you, or you go to your respective families without each other.

Basically say you've given him 4 options, you don't mind which he goes for (even if you clearly do have a preference!) the only thing you're insisting on is it's fair between both families. He can't reasonably argue against that.

(the 4 options being Christmas just the 2 of you, you spending Christmas apart, alternating every year as you have been (and stopping this 'feeling bad' guilt tripping shit, it's not fair if you put your best face on on 'his' years), or agreeing your mum will invite his family only on the understanding the invite is reciprocated every other year).

I think if your Mum hasn't offered to host them, it's a bit rude to ask. We've always done Christmas with DH's family and New Years with my Mum. I would say stick to the current arrangement until you can offer to host both sides yourself, but try to make an effort to see DH's family in December/January.

It’s fine to not invite them. They are a maximum of three people anyway (mil, her daughter and your DH) so it’s not like they’ve gone from 20 to one is it?

If you invite her and your sil it will be six hours plus rest stops each way so they’re going to need to pay for at least two hotel nights over Christmas or stay with you, it’s a big invitation. I’d invite them if they lived closer and could pop in for a few hours, but in this situation I wouldn’t.

You’re using the excuse that your in-laws would feel uncomfortable around your loud, forthright family and perhaps that a fair enough observation but then you go on to say that in a couple of years you hope to have a house big enough to host everyone - surely you’re not going to leave your in-laws out then? So, the same ‘worry’ will arise anyway?! I’d check with your mum obviously but, I honestly can’t see how it would hurt! I mean, we also alternate it but, my in-laws are 5 minutes away same as my parents so we see all of them on Xmas day anyway!

If they could visit just for lunch then I'd probably invite them tbh, unless they're a PITA. However if they're 6 hours away they can't come for the day, so where would they both sleep? Sounds like your mum's house must be pretty full already. Does DH have a solution for that?

Has DH even asked them if they'd like to join? If they have a busy year with you, DH and your DC one year they might be quite glad of a quiet one, just the two of them the next year.

I do take your point though that it's unfair DH sees his family every year and you don't. My DH and I alternate our families every year religiously and whoever's turn it is that year makes the rules/decides the arrangements. So really your DH should butt out.

Invite them. They might love the jingle jangle of the hubbub. Leave no one out was my dm motto... even if balancing plate on knees

If it was the other way round OP, and your mum was on her own, would you be happy she stays on her own whilst you go spend it with your husbands huge family? Or would you appreciate if they could some how include her?
I could never imagine leaving my mum by herself on Christmas.
(and yes I get the sister is alone too… same applies).

Would your in laws even want to go? I have a small, introverted family and they would never want to join me at my in laws noisy, crowded Christmas do, even though they all get on well enough.

It isn't even Stevens like that in a marriage. You have yours close by all the time, he doesn't.

You and your family have loads of each other. Your MIL and SIL have just themselves.

I think you should be gracious and invite them. For all you know, they may find it overwhelming and decline the invitation next time.

To be honest, if ever it were to be just me and dd, we'd have a marvellous time and feast on smoked salmon, champagne and films.

I can see both sides op, but we have been there and done that and have grown up children. There are rods for backs of course but one day there won't be mothers at Christmas, it will just be you and your DH.

To everyone berating the op for not wanting to invite her in laws because "it's only 2 more". What if her siblings brought all their in laws too?

It's totally reasonable to want to spend it with just your family after doing the same with DH's last year. YANBU.

I can see both sides, but I voted YABU because now you’re married, his family are your family, just his side and your side. You could argue it’s semantics but the way you talk about ‘my own family’ really resists bringing your DH and his clan in to that circle. Treat MIL and SIL as your family, they are.

You also seem worried about setting a precedent, ‘never’ getting to see your family on your own again. You could do it this year and make it an act of love for your DH. They might surprise you. If it doesn’t go well, just don’t invite them again! Besides, life changes, in 2.5 years SIL might have a partner whose family she goes to and takes MIL along.

Also, obviously, suggest to your mum that the guests step up a bit more and e.g. pick different people to shop/cook for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Your husband is being unreasonable. I would not be able to relax with my in-laws around. I love being able to completely unwind with my family. My inlaws are not 'unwind' with people. It's not your fault his family is so small, he is unreasonable to trying to guilt you. He is doubly unreasonable to expect to see his family every year whilst you have to share your family time with his.

This for me would be a hill to die on.

You're not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my in laws at my mum's house either. And nor would my mum! It's different having family to then having someone else spoils it for everyone. No!

It’s Christmas. Why don’t you and your in-laws let your hair down and accept that people might sit in the floor to eat and get tipsy? All work together to lighten the load and enjoy the festivities as a whole.

Christmas is not just the 25th of December. Spend this Christmas Day and Boxing Day with your family and then visit your inlaws on a weekend or overnight either before or after Christmas Day. Tell your DH that the celebration will be exactly the same, you can eat the same food and open the same presents. The only difference will be the date on the calendar. If you have DCs, Santa is also very good at coming a few days early or late to Granny or Grandad's house, or your own, you just need to ask him! I never will understand the obsession with 25th December. Why will that be so much better than the 28th or heaven forbid the 22nd? Surely it's about spending time with people you love regardless of the date?

I think it’s really unkind to leave your in laws out. I don’t understand why the extra two would make any difference in the cooking and organising. However, why is your mum being run ragged, why is everyone not chipping in?

My house is normally the host house, we can have up to 20 people but everyone does their bit which means I’m not running round any more than the rest of my family.

If you were all helping your 'poor mum' wouldn't be run ragged would she? Anyway - the MIL and SIL may not want to be any part of the madness - what makes you think they'd accept the invitation?

Do they even want to go?

I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus

Given the choice between driving 6 hours one way to enjoy a big family Christmas, or staying at home, I’d be wishing for car problems, snow, road closures, something contagious, and I’d be eternally grateful if I had to stay at home!

I dream of the big Radio Times and a red felt tip pen.

Do you all sit on your arses while your mum runs herself ragged?