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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

610 replies

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 21:24

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

OP posts:
tinyspiny · 06/08/2025 22:38

YANBU , your husband can’t have it both ways , you are either alternating or you are not .

sunights · 06/08/2025 22:34

@OtterlyMad can you suggest to your DH he goes to his mums and you to your family solo? I know couples who do this every year and love it as their respective family christmas' have such different dynamics. And if he says he doesn't want to be solo with his mum and sister that's up to him.

ooooohlala · 06/08/2025 22:31

Can you host Christmas dinner for MIL and SIL at yours, then join the wider family for drinks?

Limon87 · 06/08/2025 22:30

It’s such a personal one isn’t it. On the one hand it does feel mean but on the other hand I get it’s tricky. Have a chat with your mum perhaps? My FIL lives alone and without us he has no Xmas, my parents came to spend it and he still got included. He drives me insane but I can’t bear the thought of him being alone when we’re not. he’s family at the end of the day. Have a chat with your mum/siblings and see what they think. If the appetite is there to have them why no? Unless of course there’s huge aggro/drama you’ve not mentioned.

Robin67 · 06/08/2025 22:29

I don't understand your husband or some of the posters on this thread. It's not your house, you are not the host. So it's not really your place to invite people. You say your mum would not say no, but it's cheeky to ask her.
Can mil and sil not go to the extended family for Christmas?
For me, marriage is about two people. You can't force both sides to amalgamate as one big family. I actually get on with my ILs and we always invite them to Christmas. But its at our house, not someone else's.

Isthisit22 · 06/08/2025 22:27

Plus what about if your siblings started inviting their in laws- it’s just not practical or fair

Isthisit22 · 06/08/2025 22:27

Stick to your guns. It will totally change the dynamic and your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it. Alternating years is fair.

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 22:26

MavisandHetty · 06/08/2025 22:01

This is really tricky, but I think you’ve betrayed yourself a bit with “he gets to see them every year, I would never get to see mine ever in a relaxed way”. That’s true, obviously, but it goes to the heart of the matter - which is that you don’t enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. That’s probably a very uncomfortable truth.

I think you have to tackle this head on because once you have children (if) it’s going to get worse.

Do you MIL and SIL actually want to travel 6+ hours? Where would they stay? Would they have to provide gifts? Do they have pets or dietary restrictions?

I think you just have to keep talking about it, without shouting or arguing, until you both get to a realisation. Also, there’s no need to be “fair” about these things. By the end of your lives, fairness won’t count for much. It’ll be about quality not quantity.

Edited

Not at all, I do enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. It’s relaxed and dignified and not exhausting like it is with my family! I guess it’s a bit like how I enjoy summer holidays AND skiing holidays. But I don’t want to sunbathe on a skiing holiday, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Greencustardmonster · 06/08/2025 22:24

He’s unreasonable. It totally changes your family dynamic. Would they even want to come - I can’t think of anything worse than Christmas with any of my sibling’s (no doubt perfectly nice) in-laws. Plus presumably if they’re six hours away they’d end up staying with you for days either side.

They’re not alone, presumably not recently widowed or sick - it’s not your Mum’s responsibility to give them a big family Christmas. If they don’t want to spend it just the two of them then there’s options - presumably they have friends? Or my local church organises families to host people who’d be totally alone - maybe they could do that.

An awful lot of people are going to have small Christmases in future given the birth rate and lower average family size - it’s not some massive tragedy to be averted at all costs.

Namechangedasouting987 · 06/08/2025 22:23

So I am your mum in this situation. I always host 12 for Xmas and would easily add another 2 in (I have done 16 and also 20). I also like to do everything. I get enormous satisfaction from it. I hate people being left out. I often have waifs and strays as well as family.
Ask your mum? What does she say. If she says of course, its no bother than take her at her word. Ask them. They might decline. They might come and never come again. They might love it and it could be on your side of the country every year.
I'd say yes in an instant.

rubicustellitall · 06/08/2025 22:19

Have you got room for an overnight stay for MIL and SIL ? If so why not take the pressure off everyone and all of you ..both families go out to have a fab lunch at a pub then you all spend together your mum has a rest too and MIL can stay overnight at yours ..win win every way round.

Lifelifelife21 · 06/08/2025 22:19

I feel like people are being very harsh on here.

YANBU. I think it’s also worth keeping in mind that really this wouldn’t just be an invite to your mum’s for one year. You would be setting a precedent of inviting them every year / every alternate year. I know from personal experience once someone has got used to being invited to your Christmas it’s very hard to ‘uninvite’ even when situations change and it’s not sustainable anymore.

If it would already be a lot of people for your mum to squeeze in and cook for it’s worth considering if your mum’s immediate family / guest list has potential to get even bigger E.g. what if one of your SIL / BIL then wants to invite their parents? Or more grandchildren are born? Or the children grow up and therefore take up more space and more food needs to be cooked?

pizzaHeart · 06/08/2025 22:19

IAmNeverThePerson · 06/08/2025 21:36

I think it’s fine.

if you were hosting then absolutely invite them. But your mum is hosting so not appropriate.

This ^
It will also set up the expectations for the future. And it’s true that they are not on their own - they are together. They also can invite friends if they want to.
Why is it OP’s mum responsible for providing them big exciting Christmas?

Blessthismess2 · 06/08/2025 22:17

RosesAndHellebores · 06/08/2025 21:53

It isn't even Stevens like that in a marriage. You have yours close by all the time, he doesn't.

You and your family have loads of each other. Your MIL and SIL have just themselves.

I think you should be gracious and invite them. For all you know, they may find it overwhelming and decline the invitation next time.

To be honest, if ever it were to be just me and dd, we'd have a marvellous time and feast on smoked salmon, champagne and films.

I can see both sides op, but we have been there and done that and have grown up children. There are rods for backs of course but one day there won't be mothers at Christmas, it will just be you and your DH.

Show quote history

Agree with this.

but only if your mum is ok with it as ultimately she’s the one hosting.

But yeh otherwise I’m with your DH.

GAJLY · 06/08/2025 22:14

Personally I think it's rude to invite them to someone else's dinner. It's unfair to give her extra guests. Its asking alot if one host to look after 12 let alone 14 guests! Your husband's family are not alone, they are together. You've both agreed to alternate your family, but he wants to see his family every year? That doesn't seem fair at all.

lalalalalala2024 · 06/08/2025 22:13

No I wouldn’t feel bad as you already do alternate Christmases

GleisZwei · 06/08/2025 22:08

MummaMummaMumma · 06/08/2025 21:47

You're not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my in laws at my mum's house either. And nor would my mum! It's different having family to then having someone else spoils it for everyone. No!

They are her DDs immediate amily.

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 22:08

namechangeGOT · 06/08/2025 21:59

You’re using the excuse that your in-laws would feel uncomfortable around your loud, forthright family and perhaps that a fair enough observation but then you go on to say that in a couple of years you hope to have a house big enough to host everyone - surely you’re not going to leave your in-laws out then? So, the same ‘worry’ will arise anyway?! I’d check with your mum obviously but, I honestly can’t see how it would hurt! I mean, we also alternate it but, my in-laws are 5 minutes away same as my parents so we see all of them on Xmas day anyway!

It’s true the personality clash will still exist even when we get to host it ourselves and everyone will be invited. But I think my in-laws would feel more confident in our house rather than at my mum’s, who they aren’t related to and don’t know very well?

But yes the biggest issue right now is that it’s spent at my mum’s house so the bulk of the hard work falls to her (despite my best efforts) and I just don’t think it’s fair to increase the burden further.

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 06/08/2025 22:06

IAmNeverThePerson · 06/08/2025 21:36

I think it’s fine.

if you were hosting then absolutely invite them. But your mum is hosting so not appropriate.

This, it's not your or your husbands invitation to make or ask of your Mum

WimpoleHat · 06/08/2025 22:06

Why don't you make it standing invitation then, and invite his mum and sister every year? Then you both get to see your family each year.

I was going to say that. Presumably if you invite them and it goes even reasonably well, then you can make it the norm and you get to have every Christmas with your own family. (And he won’t get to pull the “just my family on our own” card because you’ve compromised on this.) Be tactical here. See the long term strategy…..

BlueRin5eBrigade · 06/08/2025 22:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are entitled to relax and enjoy your Christmas without worrying about his family. I love my inlaws but it would change the dynamic of my Christmas if thet were here. I think alternate years are fair. If he's unhappy with that maybe you need to split for Christmas and each see your own family.

Hobbitfeet32 · 06/08/2025 22:04

Posts like these make me so grateful that my family and husbands family became joined when we got married. My parents would’ve already invited my in laws on this situation and both families would welcome the others with open arms.

SabrinaSt · 06/08/2025 22:02

As someone with many siblings and a big noisy family Christmas of at least 15 people every year in a similar set up (not quite big enough!), I get it.

There has been no need to invite my in laws to my family’s Christmas but if there was I don’t think they would enjoy it as they are VERY sedate and my family are noisy and generally chaotic. Also, they can be quite judgey of anyone different to them so I wouldn’t relax or enjoy the day at all.

MavisandHetty · 06/08/2025 22:01

This is really tricky, but I think you’ve betrayed yourself a bit with “he gets to see them every year, I would never get to see mine ever in a relaxed way”. That’s true, obviously, but it goes to the heart of the matter - which is that you don’t enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. That’s probably a very uncomfortable truth.

I think you have to tackle this head on because once you have children (if) it’s going to get worse.

Do you MIL and SIL actually want to travel 6+ hours? Where would they stay? Would they have to provide gifts? Do they have pets or dietary restrictions?

I think you just have to keep talking about it, without shouting or arguing, until you both get to a realisation. Also, there’s no need to be “fair” about these things. By the end of your lives, fairness won’t count for much. It’ll be about quality not quantity.

Carrotsandgrapes · 06/08/2025 22:00

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 21:41

Ok thanks for answering and I see your point, but he still expects us both to go to his mum’s for Christmas in the alternating years. So essentially he would get to see his family every single Christmas, while I will never get to let my hair down properly with just my own family? And my poor mum has to run herself ragged… just doesn’t seem fair to me.

Show quote history

Why don't you make it standing invitation then, and invite his mum and sister every year? Then you both get to see your family each year.

And I think you need to start working on your mum now, and tell her you don't want her doing everything. Divvy up some tasks and decide who's going to bring what and who'll be responsible for what. You'll know what will work best.

It's also possible that your mum really enjoys looking after everyone for a few hectic, fun days each year, and won't mind having an extra couple of people.