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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

610 replies

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 21:24

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

OP posts:
Juststop2025 · 06/08/2025 23:49

beetr00 · 06/08/2025 23:48

@Juststop2025 delicious, TWO Christmas lunches 🎅

Yeah it was really nice actually, in the end :)

beetr00 · 06/08/2025 23:48

@Juststop2025 delicious, TWO Christmas lunches 🎅

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 23:47

crumblingschools · 06/08/2025 23:37

I would hate big family, drunken Christmas with mainly people I don’t know.

Do you visit in-laws before/ after Christmas in the years you have Xmas with your parents?

Are you planning to have DC? Will you fo things differently then?

Yes we’re planning to have DC. Hopefully we’ll have upsized by then (or when the children are still little) so we’ll be able to host. I look forward to not having to go anywhere on Christmas Day and just sending out a single WhatsApp message saying “dinner is at 2pm, BYOB, everybody welcome, like it or lump it” 🤣

OP posts:
Juststop2025 · 06/08/2025 23:46

Nope, he doesn't get to change the agreement because it's your family's turn. Absolutely 100% not being unreasonable. Even if nothing else was a problem - and it clearly is - this is what you BOTH agreed to. So that's that.

Last year we had to have two Christmas lunches because two family members couldn't get off work, so we had a separate one the following weekend. Such is life.

His mum and sister will be fine.

beetr00 · 06/08/2025 23:45

bluecrochetedplane · 06/08/2025 23:06

You sound like a nasty bit of work and a bit selfish. YOU don't want them to come so have made up scenarios of why it wouldn't work, oh your poor mum being run ragged at Xmas and having 2 more would most certainly be the straw that broke her back 🙄.
I think regardless of whether you let your in laws come, you need to rethink letting your mum do everything. Just because she's the host doesn't mean no one else does anything, take the lead and just do it, bring a dish each, share the load.

completely unfair and as far as I can see totally wide of the mark from @OtterlyMad's position

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/08/2025 23:43

Yanbu. His DM and Dsis can choose to go away every 2nd year.
Not your problem that they don't make plans.
It would completely changed your family Christmas and wouldn't be fair on the other guests or your DM.

Evergreen21 · 06/08/2025 23:43

I actually do think your dh is being unreasonable. Having your inlaws there changes the dynamic for your siblings and other family members as well. I'm assuming as they live so far away they don't see each so often or know them very well? That isn't really fair to them.

Notonthestairs · 06/08/2025 23:42

I’d put good money on you feeling very differently if it was your Mum and sibling on Christmas Day and you were celebrating with DH’s big raucous family.

strawlight · 06/08/2025 23:42

Both sets of our parents still host as they have the bigger houses, but aside from them buying the meat we take everything else pre prepped and cook it there. Our kids and their cousins are old enough to clear the tables and wash up. My SILs bring amazing desserts. Takes the pressure off the grandmas at least.

We also alternate years but since my MIL was widowed she is always invited to spend it with my family.

I’d invite them if it’s ok with your mum, but you need to ease the pressure off her by getting everyone to muck in a bit more.

beetr00 · 06/08/2025 23:41

@OtterlyMad

"DH says “it’s only two more people”"

That is really not the point though, is it?

The dynamic totally changes, why should the OP have to invite her in-laws to her parents for Christmas?

As adults, sometimes, we don't see family at Christmas, so what, we're all grown ups and dare I even say if either the SiL or the MiL were on their own, should the expectation be that they should have an automatic invitation?

It is not a question of excluding nor disliking, it surely is just, enjoying our families and the familiarity/comfort factor that, that entails

Rewis · 06/08/2025 23:40

Your husband could go with his family and you stay with yours. If you want to spend part of teh holiday together, boxing day is on Friday so one of you could travel for the weekend or something.

Jessiesjammy · 06/08/2025 23:39

MummaMummaMumma · 06/08/2025 21:47

You're not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my in laws at my mum's house either. And nor would my mum! It's different having family to then having someone else spoils it for everyone. No!

This.

crumblingschools · 06/08/2025 23:37

I would hate big family, drunken Christmas with mainly people I don’t know.

Do you visit in-laws before/ after Christmas in the years you have Xmas with your parents?

Are you planning to have DC? Will you fo things differently then?

Snugglemonkey · 06/08/2025 23:37

I think it is really rude of your husband to want to invite his family. Fair enough if your mother spontaneously invited them, but she should not be asked too. You cannot invite people to someone else's home!

Iris2020 · 06/08/2025 23:33

No, of course you shouldn't invite them. It's not even about your mum, but your other family members will be really awkward with 2 extra guests they don't know and your mum might also feel judged in her home.

I don't know why everyone thinks it's ok to add your ILs...

ChubbyMorticia · 06/08/2025 23:30

I know a couple of people have suggested that he go to his mom’s while you go to your family.

Sorry, but I don’t see how it’s fair that his mom would get 100% of Christmases going forward.

SheReallyLikes · 06/08/2025 23:29

I hate Christmas… if that helps.

I don’t have enough money, people’s expectations are too high.

MavisandHetty · 06/08/2025 23:29

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 22:26

Not at all, I do enjoy Christmas with his mum and sister. It’s relaxed and dignified and not exhausting like it is with my family! I guess it’s a bit like how I enjoy summer holidays AND skiing holidays. But I don’t want to sunbathe on a skiing holiday, if you see what I mean?

Show quote history

That explains it really well! I’m which case, back to being tricky. I suppose the rule of thumb is for everyone to compromise a little. I’m not sure what that would mean in your situation. Maybe your DH goes down for a few days before Xmas by himself? Maybe you sunbathe on your skiing holiday once in a while? Maybe your mum gives in and allows you or your DH to help? Maybe your MIL and SIL just suck it up and enjoy a raucous Xmas once in a while?

Tbh, typing all that out, I think your DH should ask his mum and sister if they actually want to go because I can’t see them enjoying the drive and staying over and then a drunken Xmas with strangers and then a 6hr drive back…when they can stay at home. Sounds objectively hellish. Perhaps the decision will make itself and your DH just needs to get over the fact that his mum and sister won’t actually be alone 🙄

Ponderingwindow · 06/08/2025 23:27

As long as you are alternating years you are fine.

i agree that the different personalities make the blend even more difficult.

I like a Christmas gathering, but there is a chaos threshold that I just don’t want to cross. for this reason we attend a smaller gathering that Dh’s family holds but often skip the bigger party. It’s just gotten to be too many people in one place to be enjoyable anymore.

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 23:27

Hobbitfeet32 · 06/08/2025 22:45

@OtterlyMadno need to patronise. Not an only child and neither is husband. Just happen to both have very hospitable families. Have spent many Christmas’s with extras at the table for one reason or another. Multicultural family so maybe that is a factor. Strongly believe in inclusively and loving thy neighbour and all that.

That’s a bit rich isn’t it…?
It’s all good and well saying “love thy neighbour” but when you’ve only got one oven and a dining table that is built to seat 6-8 then you can’t physically have everyone’s in laws for Christmas dinner, no matter how “hospitable” the families involved are 🙄

OP posts:
Rhea43 · 06/08/2025 23:22

We have a similar situation- every 2nd year my in laws would be alone. We’ve started having them at ours for Christmas lunch then going to my sister’s house (the host with the most in our family) late afternoon/early evening. On my side there’s 20+ for Christmas so sometimes, my in laws come along, sometimes they don’t (or my MIL does whilst my FIL have a snooze in the quiet at ours) There’s no pressure either way (they know they’re v welcome to come to the mad house at my sister’s - but they do prefer a quieter time of it- it feels like it works for us all.

GoldPoster · 06/08/2025 23:21

A big mad Christmas would be a nightmare, I’d be praying you didn’t invite me so I could avoid the embarrassment of saying no.

PrincessFiorimonde · 06/08/2025 23:19

Do your mum/rest of your family get on well with your MIL and SIL?
Would your MIL and SIL need to stay overnight?

Hello39 · 06/08/2025 23:14

It's their daughter-in-laws mother who is hosting...they are no relation to her.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/08/2025 23:14

Maybe bite the bullet and ask your mum if she would be ok with them being invited. If your mum says no, that lets you off the hook.

If she says yes, then invite them and let them experience the whole noisy, crowded, drunken, messy day which the rest of you all enjoy.

They will either love it and everyone will have a good time, or they will hate it and never ask to come again.

Either way it's a win for you.