It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

Right. It's her turn and suddenly she doesn't get a turn. Entitled and unfair of her DH

She doesn't want to and they agreed not to. So that's why not.

It is also incredibly bad manners to ask her mother to add extra people to her celebrations because her mother knows the situation and is perfectly able to invite people to her own home if she wants to without being made to feel she cannot refuse.

And Christmas is about whatever you want it to be about.

@Lotsofsnacks

"But Christmas is about including people that are on their own and they are OPs family too, as she’s married to their son/brother"

I do hear what you're saying Lotsof but we'll have to agree to disagree that Christmas is about including people who are on their own.(Mum and sister will be together mind)

For years @OtterlyMad has taken turn about wrt Christmas but because her husband decides, he wants to change the goalposts this year, @OtterlyMad should acquiesce!

Why?

I said invite them once this year and try it. But Christmas is about including people that are on their own and they are OPs family too, as she’s married to their son/brother. I know a few people who invite random pockets of family/friends round at Xmas, who don’t really have anything in common apart from the host, and that has gone well.

But for all OP knows, is that DH mum and sister may enjoy their little Xmas together on their own, and it’s just her DH interring and feels bad that they are doing this! They might say no anyway

Thank you @Juststop2025 ... my friend meant well, she honestly didn't think her family would have a problem with it, but we were both young (early 20s) and both didn't realise how strongly some families feel about their Christmas traditions...

Yep, good point. Her mother is aware of the situation, if she wants to invite them, she will. Asking her is putting her on the spot and would be very bad manners tbh.

I'm very sorry your friend's family behaved like that. It was not your doing and they should have been gracious to you :(

Just say to him next year when it’s your parents turn I assume your mum and sister will be happy to host all my family so they won’t be alone

I don't think you are being unreasonable - and I'm speaking as someone who has no family in the UK. Out of the last 20 Christmases, I've spent 13 of them totally on my own (partner works in healthcare management and support staff just not turning up for shifts over Christmas/New Year is endemic...he has no choice but to cover if necessary).

It's also not your invitation to extend - that's up to your mother. If she's not done it so far, I would take it that she doesn't want to. I once had a friend invite me along to her family's meal out on Christmas Day, it was her father that was the host...and she didn't clear it with him beforehand. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable hour and a half I've ever spent, the rest of her siblings and grandparents were NOT happy at this stranger gatecrashing their Christmas (as they saw it) and I vowed never to do it again. That was 25 years ago, and I always politely decline any such invites - or even lie and say I've got alternative plans.

I think your dh really wants to be with his mother and sister this year for whatever reasons, can you compromise with having them come to stay with you or you go to them, for a celebration on the 26 or 27th?

@Lotsofsnacks

"as 2 more guests won’t matter"

it does though, because it's the attendant personalities, dynamic change etc...

They're not just 2 inanimate objects being parachuted into an intimate christmas celebration.

Actually, yes that works well too.

He can go and spend his Christmas with his mother and sister without trying to force OP to disrupt her own family and break the arrangement he agreed to.

I agree invite them once, this year, and see how it goes, keep DH happy and do a nice thing for them. As you said, yours and dh’s families are chalk and cheese, so they either, may not enjoy it and not come again in future, or decline the invite anyway (you never know miracles could happen and you all enjoy the day together!). Though I don’t understand why you keep saying your poor
mum? Agreed her house is the staging venue as largest, but that does not mean she should be doing all the prep, cooking and hosting on the day though, do no family members help her out?? If not you all need to muck in, as 2 more guests won’t matter, if mum has some helpers

@shampooing

"I never understand this logic that you need to mix in-laws with your family"

COMPLETELY, agree

Not really in the spirit of Christmas to bulldoze over an agreement and insist upon people being there who aren't invited, especially when they had their turn last year and will have it again next year and especially when your own close relatives will be put out by doing so.

Bringing your in-laws to your family's Christmas celebration could really change the feeling of it - as you say, you would worry that your inlaws weren't enjoying it, so you'd be stressed.

I think it is a very big ask of your DH, not just of your mum but the rest of your family.

Your inlaws would probably feel that they have to go if invited - your DH is likely to make a big deal about how he doesn't want them to be alone (together!) at Christmas!

I'm a single parent, and since my parents died - 3 years ago - my DS, now 21, and I have Christmas with just the two of us and it's great! We have lovely food, we watch a movie, I have a nap, more food, walk the dog.

It's not the big family Christmases I had when I was a child in my Granny's house, but we do enjoy it - we've had offers to go to wider family, but my DS is happy with how we do it.

Your DH is being very presumptuous - that his mother and sister must be having a miserable Christmas, as he's not there; that they would want to join another family's christmas celebration; that they would want to drive 6 hours there and back, so would have to stay over.

If your husband feels so strongly that they shouldn't spend Christmas alone - as if two women aren't really company, they need the man of the family to be complete- then he can spend every Christmas with them, while you continue to alternate between your parents and his.

You can revisit if you have kids or move into a bigger place.

I think he's being a bit of an arse about this.

I never understand this logic that you need to mix in-laws with your family. My siblings are also married, we could end up with and awful lot of parents in law if my parents were expected to host them.

DH is being thoroughly unreasonable- your family size is your family size. I don’t see why Christmas for 2 is inherently ‘bad’ but if they think it is they can always invite other people to their celebration.

There is no way I would ask my parents to host DH’s small family - nor would he want me to (he doesn’t even want to host them let alone ask others to).

I always say on threads like this we resolutely refuse to get into any pattern of taking turns which year we go where, sometimes accept an invitation, sometimes prefer just us (and now also DC), sometimes go away for Christmas. No one is getting an answer from me about Christmas plans this side of December because unless it’s the holiday option and we’re booking flights then we won’t know.

Not really in the spirit of Christmas to leave people out, especially your DH's close relatives.

yes, I read that. I’m suggesting it feels differently when it’s your family.

I didn’t suggest that you had to invite them.
It sounds like your mother has more than enough on her hands.

@LovePoppy this needs addressing, don't you think?😊

Tell that to my MIL

That honestly sounds pretty lovely too. And stress free :)

Bottom line is, Christmas Day is not an excuse to bulldoze over people's boundaries and ignore agreements. It doesn't work for your husband's family to visit, so they can't visit. Definitely not unreasonable. They will be fine.

Do you live near your family? Get to see them more often than your husband gets to see his family?

I think because your DH really wants to see them Christmas you are being a bit mean. Could you just float the idea and see what your mother/in-laws say? Surely you know your mother well enough to know if she would truthfully want them there by her reaction. Ultimately it’s your mothers choice. Also don’t lose sight of the fact it’s your DHs Christmas too, maybe he’s fed up of alternating it.

But they're a 3 person family, so 2 rather than 3 isn't really that different? If they want a wild rumpus then they need to invite some other of their own relatives.

YANBU at all, OP. I would absolutely hate it if my siblings invited in-laws to a family Christmas. It would definitely ruin it.

I'd very happily have a Christmas with just me and a DC, so DH is being ridiculous in his concern about this.