It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

Well done - glad you didn't let him push you all into an arrangement that only suits him!
Ars you okay with your NY plans being changed? I do wonder whether your h would have been so willing to give up seeing friends if this had been last year and you wanted to see your family at NY, having spent Christmas with his mum. Or would he have whinged about this?
I hope it's a resolution you can live with happily but I'd keep an eye on other situations where he might expect you to bend to his preferences at the expense of your own.

Yeah and also they are the ones whom can change this situation… like having friends?
all their social life shouldn’t be put on op’s shoulder 👀

Well done @OtterlyMad
glad you’ve stuck to boundaries that you both agreed to

Glad you have found a compromise. That sounds great, as it gives them something to look forward to over the festive season. Have a fab time!

You plainly never met my mother who would have given Mrs Doyle a run for her money.

It won't stop them babbling and burbling on and on and on.

But I am glad you have found a nice, sensible solution that will be fair to you and your mum.

Surely she can't be jumping out of her chair for 12 people all the time to get something for them?

You are not the OPs mother and this is an entirely different scenario.

Hope this helps.

Like OP 's mum, I get a little bit flappy occasionally when doing the big Christmas meal, despite loving it. I don't have to feel stressed or embarrassed about it though, because everyone's family and they love me and don't care if there's a hiccup here and there. But having two extras that I don't know well and who I didn't invite would make me feel a fair bit more anxious about the catering.

It's not really putting on anyone is it, don't we all over cook at Christmas so we have food for a week, whether we intend to or not. Two extra people is not an inconvenience when you have a large crowd to start with.

Two people that OP's mum has only met a couple of times and the rest of OP's family probably even less than that. There's hardly enough room for the 12 people that have been invited so squeezing in two extra people will be difficult. OP's family are louder and will probably be drunk whereas her MIL is more reserved. It doesn't sound like a recipe for a relaxed Christmas Day, particularly for OP's mum.

OP's mum always refuses help in the kitchen which is her prerogative. Lots of people are quite territorial when cooking in their own homes. If she had wanted to have OP's in-laws for Christmas dinner, she would have told OP to invite them. She hasn't done that and OP's DH telling OP to ask her mum to invite his mother and sister is really cheeky and shows that he has no consideration for OP's mum.

OP said in one of her post that their mum chooses to do everything in hosting and that she won’t allow her and other family members to help her so you and OP’s mother are not the same.

You would accept and expect help, her mother does not want help and OP is looking out for her mum knowing this.

But OP's parents have only met OP's in-laws a couple of times, certainly not often enough to start thinking of them as family. Inviting people you hardly know to spend Christmas with them could be very awkward, particularly as OP's mum and her MIL sound like very different people.

OP's DH is the one who has moved the goalposts after agreeing the arrangement to spend alternate Christmases with each family until they can afford to buy a bigger house and host Christmas themselves. It would be unfair to make OP's mum feel obliged to invite OP's in-laws.

@Maninpeace It’d be a nice thing to do.

Nice thing to do for who? Her husband? Hee MIL & SIL?? …. What about what’s ‘nice’ for @OtterlyMad , what about what’s ‘nice’ for op’s Mother ? And all her siblings etc….
It’s so sexist to think OP should be bending over backward to ‘be nice’ at the expense of her own happiness!
We are forever being told on mumsnet to ‘grow a pair’ or ‘grow a spine’…. Or that ‘NO is a full sentence’…. Or that we shouldn’t be such people pleasers and we as women shouldn’t be constantly putting our own wants and needs after our partners!

It’s sad that people spend Christmas ‘alone’ but Christ surely Op’s in-laws have friends they could invite round on Christmas for drinks or something!

I mean let a man make arrangements for his mother and sister without relying on his wife or wife’s family to accommodate everyone else at their inconvenience.

if this were the other way round and a man was saying his wife and him had spent last Christmas at her families and now she’s kicking off because she wanted to bring her family along to his family Christmas, the majority would be telling him that he’s being controlled and manipulated and tag it’s unfair for her to not spend his family Christmas with just his family etc

@OtterlyMad
I am the 'mother' in this scenario, we have the biggest dining area in our home. Our Christmas count is normally 13/14, chaos and huge fun. The in-laws are always invited too. But it really is all hands on deck. I set the table the night before, we arrange a play area for the children, and on the day, no adult comes empty-handed be it veg, a vegetarian option, the children's food, the cheese board... This even goes as far as someone else cooking the main course at their place. We have a WhatsApp group long before to decide the food and who is doing what and it is always accepted that everyone shares the work, including washing up and tidying afterwards. Then on Boxing Day everyone eats all the leftovers after a long walk. Even with all the help it is still a lot of work but we wouldn't miss it for the world - a COVID Christmas brought home to me what a blessed life we have.
If your Mum (who sounds lovely and inclusive) really doesn't mind extra guests and you and the rest of the family take on a lot of the organisation and prep it is doable.

Finally I really wouldn't worry if your in-laws enjoy it or not; they may not want to come again and that is ok too. We had one set of in-laws stop coming because the other DS (who was also always invited) wanted to spend Christmas at home.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

I wouldn't invite them. If dh wants he can have his Christmas at theirs. They are virtual strangers. My mum died after I'd been with dh for 20 years and in that time my parents met in-laws twice. Once at the wedding and once in Bridlington where we'd gone with my parents for a week and inlaws came for a day trip.
Christmas was never an issue, we spent Christmas eve with in-laws, Christmas day on our own together and boxing day with my parents before and after children.

Yes so perhaps he needs to stick to the arrangement he agreed to and spend alternate years! He can’t expect his wife to not see her elderly grandparents and family every other year for him, but then expect his mum and sister to him EVERY year…. Then what happens when the children come along…. If OP doesn’t upsize her house and host the whole gigantic family at hers! And what about when the husband’s sister also marries and has children - does op also have to run herself ragged then hosting her, her husband, his children and all of her sisters inlaws as they’re all now one huge happy family of inlaws and inlaws inlaws….

Can you not be yourself around your mother in law?

I’ve known my mother in law most of my adult life and no I cannot be myself around her. Neither can DH.

Even if OP does fell relaxed with her in laws the rest of her family don’t know them.
It is so not okay to lessen the OP’s entire family’s enjoyment of Christmas just to suit the DH.

LOL… why wouldn’t they be strangers? They live SIX hours apart !! My parents met my in-laws at our wedding! And in 16 years of marriage they never met again!…. So yes, I’d say it’s quite fair to describe a husband and wives parents as strangers…

Reading comprehension really has declined on this site. Has the definition of 'alone' changed to mean 'with one other person' ?

it is a big deal to add 2 two extra guests when hosting in a crowded house. It also changes the dynamic.

OP, what is happening with your husband now? Has he accepted your perfectly reasonable position on this issue?

I am as ever unsurprised at a staggeringly selfish man being given a free pass on MN.

DH expects the OP to emotionally blackmail her own mother into hosting and catering for people she doesn’t know well, for whom she doesn’t have room.

DH expects the rest of the OP’s family to somehow make room for people whose connection to them is “met once at the wedding if that”.
DH expects the OP to comply with his breaking a very normal agreement to alternate Xmases for his benefit.
DH expects his DM and DS to hoof across country in a 12 hour round trip and fit into this plan, apparently without even having asked them, knowing they are not “big party” people.

This is all about DH wanting to be the Big Man at the cost of all the women around him.

My family always did the big family Christmas, DPs would often have “waifs and strays”. However these were people they knew well - maybe an elderly neighbour or a great aunt or just a local friend and they invited. It wasn’t their DCiL deciding on their behalf that they could bring their own families. (which with all of them would have needed the church hall for Christmas lunch).

IME sets of in-laws who become friends independently of their DC do so because of geographical proximity and common interests - just like any friendship. If they live on opposite sides of the country and have no common interests of course they won’t be more than acquaintances. If the DH actually asked his quieter family they may well express horror at a long trip to a noisy Christmas with a dozen near strangers.

Totally agree @OtterlyMad , You and your mum are female so therefore some people expect you both to be accommodating to your husbands every wish!
I’m sorry but I think it’s extremely rude of your DH to think it’s ok to invite his mum and sister to your mothers .. but yeah I’d be telling him he’s welcome to spend Christmas at his mothers without you!
But also - Christ do MIL & SIL not have friends? Could they volunteer at a local old people home or homeless shelter Christmas Day ? Or visit friends/invite friends over? There will be hundreds of people in their local community who will also be ‘alone’ at Christmas…

Also why does your family badger you about your Christmas plans ? Surely if the arrangement is that you spend alternate Christmases at each others parents then neither family needs to ask - unless they can’t remember whether they saw you last Christmas or not…. So as soon as his or your parents ask what you’re doing this Christmas I’d just simply respond that you saw them last year so it’s the other house next year etc…
Your husband seems to think that it’s reasonable for you to spend Christmas away from your mum every other year, but isn’t willing to do the same…

*I am sure you wouldn't want to leave your mum all by herself at Christmas.
*
No one is being left "all by herself". OP's MiL has her daughter with her. Why is that not enough?

So the woman who wants and likes to host now not only has to have two strangers round for Christmas, but also has her agency removed by being given no choice about how she hosts, and doesn’t get to present a nice table of food but vegetables cooked elsewhere and brought over lukewarm? Meanwhile the OP isn’t allowed to relax because it’s not in the Christmas spirit?!

The whole thread is full of some impressive meanings of Christmas: relaxing is not allowed, alternating families isn’t the true meaning, leaving two people to have their only Christmas isn’t in the spirit – instead they should make a 12-hour round trip, stay in an Airbnb, and sit down with multiple strangers whether they want to or not. Maybe MIL/SIL would be happier at home rather than a knackering scenario that ends with them balancing a plate on their knee on the sofa, worrying about toppling the gravy on a stranger’s carpet.