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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

610 replies

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 21:24

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

OP posts:
Imisschampagne · 07/08/2025 04:53

dijonketchup · 06/08/2025 21:52

I can see both sides, but I voted YABU because now you’re married, his family are your family, just his side and your side. You could argue it’s semantics but the way you talk about ‘my own family’ really resists bringing your DH and his clan in to that circle. Treat MIL and SIL as your family, they are.

You also seem worried about setting a precedent, ‘never’ getting to see your family on your own again. You could do it this year and make it an act of love for your DH. They might surprise you. If it doesn’t go well, just don’t invite them again! Besides, life changes, in 2.5 years SIL might have a partner whose family she goes to and takes MIL along.

Also, obviously, suggest to your mum that the guests step up a bit more and e.g. pick different people to shop/cook for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Have you resd that’s husband wants his side to celebrate with every year though while OP doesn’t get to do it? Don’t think that’s fair.

Starlight7080 · 07/08/2025 04:43

My parents dont get along with my in-laws. Never have mixed . So everyone would hate to spend Christmas together.
Sometimes its just not as simple as all celebrate together.
Can you have your dh mum and sister to stay? But not go to your mums with you .
So spend half the day at home and half with your mum? Or something similar.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:20

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 04:17

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion

it is unilateral, there was a discussion, BUT

HE "accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish"

And he still wants to change the status quo!

Yep the OP can certainly decide unliterally that she will just go with the agreed to arrangement and not rudely try to foist people on her mother just because her husband doesn't want to let her have her turn this year.

I guess he can just go to his mother and sister if he's so worried, and she can stick to the arrangement that he agreed to.

Best she puts her boundaries in place or he'll think he can just get his own way once they have kids as well.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:18

bluecrochetedplane · 06/08/2025 23:06

You sound like a nasty bit of work and a bit selfish. YOU don't want them to come so have made up scenarios of why it wouldn't work, oh your poor mum being run ragged at Xmas and having 2 more would most certainly be the straw that broke her back 🙄.
I think regardless of whether you let your in laws come, you need to rethink letting your mum do everything. Just because she's the host doesn't mean no one else does anything, take the lead and just do it, bring a dish each, share the load.

So much projection in this abusive comment 😅

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 04:17

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion

it is unilateral, there was a discussion, BUT

HE "accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish"

And he still wants to change the status quo!

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:15

TwinklyNight · 07/08/2025 00:27

I think your dh really wants to be with his mother and sister this year for whatever reasons, can you compromise with having them come to stay with you or you go to them, for a celebration on the 26 or 27th?

She doesn't want to, so it's not a compromise. Theyy won't be going to the OPs, her husband wants her to make the OP's mother host them. The compromise is the agreement they have.

She also stated that they live too far away to do Christmas Day/Boxing Day.

Perhaps he can go to visit them and she can continue with the agreed arrangement - that would be a further compromise by the OP.

Iocainepowder · 07/08/2025 04:12

I’m with you op. I actually really don’t understand the initial problem of your MIL and SIL just spending xmas together the 2 of them. Many people don’t have extended family close by and many couples would just spend xmas together without others.

And your DH is being rude as it is not his or your invitation to extend.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:11

cheesycheesy · 07/08/2025 02:55

Don’t be so mean

Yes it is indeed very mean of her husband to try to change an agreed to arrangement for no reason.

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 04:11

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:10

OP has already said she will be sending out one whatsapp invitation, saying you're welcome if you can make it and the time lunch will be - and the rest is up to them. Sounds like a sensible woman.

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Sounds like a great plan 😀

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:10

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 03:52

Hope they're not planning on kids. Life will get infinitely more complicated and then you'll probably want MIL and SIL to come to you and not have to drive for 6+ hours with baby in tow

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OP has already said she will be sending out one whatsapp invitation, saying you're welcome if you can make it and the time lunch will be - and the rest is up to them. Sounds like a sensible woman.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:09

autienotnaughty · 07/08/2025 04:04

Op you absolutely should not have to ask your mum to host two extra people and feel in guest mode at your families Xmas. massive difference between hosting fsmily and hosting your dds in-laws.
Your dh mum and sister spend it together I presume so not alone. Alternate Christmas is a really good compromise.
I would say to your dh that he can see them if he chooses and you see your family and you will go with him next year but you are not changing your plans.
You need to establish some boundaries before you have kids. is there a way to see them another day around the Xmas period.

Yes, this could become a real problem if he is so stubborn and coercive when they have kids. You're right, boundaries really matter or he'll just think he can get his own way all the time, no matter what he agreed to.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 04:08

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 02:24

That's fair, I'm the more the merrier type. The language is so strong though, coerced etc is quite extreme, it's just Christmas 🎄 😳

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Exactly, it's just Christmas, no need to make any fuss, they can just go with the arrangement they both agreed to.

autienotnaughty · 07/08/2025 04:04

Op you absolutely should not have to ask your mum to host two extra people and feel in guest mode at your families Xmas. massive difference between hosting fsmily and hosting your dds in-laws.
Your dh mum and sister spend it together I presume so not alone. Alternate Christmas is a really good compromise.
I would say to your dh that he can see them if he chooses and you see your family and you will go with him next year but you are not changing your plans.
You need to establish some boundaries before you have kids. is there a way to see them another day around the Xmas period.

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 03:52

PumpkinPieAlibi · 07/08/2025 03:36

I suppose that's it then. When a decision is made, a married couple cannot discuss nor change their minds ever again. 🤷‍♀️

And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion and simply go to his mother's for Christmas or invite them without his wife's consent. (Both of which options would be very unreasonable)

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Hope they're not planning on kids. Life will get infinitely more complicated and then you'll probably want MIL and SIL to come to you and not have to drive for 6+ hours with baby in tow

redrose115 · 07/08/2025 03:51

The idea of a quiet Christmas sounds great.

Walkerzoo · 07/08/2025 03:49

Every other year
It changes the dynamics to include. They are not alone. Many spend Xmas as a 2. It isn't for you to sort their Xmas
And I would love a Christmas with 2 people. I am part of small family and the thought of a huge event like this would be horrid.
If your mum says yes, it could open a can of worms with other family.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 07/08/2025 03:48

I would invite them and hope that your family is too much for them and then the next round they won’t come.
and next year take your turn again because technically they also had theirs this year.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 07/08/2025 03:36

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 03:29

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"the crux of the matter is OP does NOT want her MIL and SIL there"

the crux of the matter is that they have been doing turn about each year, husband has decided unilaterally that this is no longer acceptable

I suppose that's it then. When a decision is made, a married couple cannot discuss nor change their minds ever again. 🤷‍♀️

And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion and simply go to his mother's for Christmas or invite them without his wife's consent. (Both of which options would be very unreasonable)

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 03:29

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"the crux of the matter is OP does NOT want her MIL and SIL there"

the crux of the matter is that they have been doing turn about each year, husband has decided unilaterally that this is no longer acceptable

TupperJen · 07/08/2025 03:26

I wouldn't invite them for a couple of reasons...
+your mum will have to host them and presumably they will stay with her (or you) for at least 1-2 nights, which again is difficult at that time of year when you're already doing enough
+it sets precedence that you'll invite them every alternate year, which might get too much if thit doesn't go well or numbers get bigger from your side of the family and really can't stretch to include 2 more (more kids are born, or the 20+ yr old kids bring partners etc).
+But mostly, if they wanted a "bigger" christmas, I'm sure they have friends on their own, neighbourhood family they know well that would like to be invited. Couples that don't have kids or children have left home etc could be invited to share the meal. Put it back on them, tell DH to encourage them to invite "aunty susan", neighbour on their own, widowed friend from bingo if they want a bigger celebration. Which leads to more sustainable network around them, rather than two of them having christmas together (which is not alone, but also not terribly festive).

PumpkinPieAlibi · 07/08/2025 03:24

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 03:18

See this is such a strange way of looking at it, surely that's the better compromise anyway, rather than one year on one year off. Seems like the best of both worlds. Also sorry as I've been lazy and NRTFT but why it's it always at OPs mums, what about the other siblings? Also what happens if they have more people attend as families usually grow with partners and kids, and kids grow up too. So Christmas naturally will evolve.

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Re: the family growing, that can't work at all. The numbers going from 12 to 14 would absolutely throw everything off kilter and bring her mum to her knees, don't you know? 😅 even future grandkids won't be allowed as the numbers simply cannot cross 12.

But seriously though, the crux of the matter is OP does NOT want her MIL and SIL there. It's that simple and it would be easier for her and her DH if she just admitted that outright. Because if she did actually want them there, there's lots of workarounds to be considered.

LameBorzoi · 07/08/2025 03:21

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 01:58

It's not nice to try to force your wife to break an arrangement you have agreed to because it's your turn, and similarly not nice to rudely ask someone to invite people they haven't chosen to invite into an already overcrowded and busy home 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it's perfectly nice to just stick to the arrangement and see them next year.

Nice is subjective.

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Or she could be an adult an have an actual conversation about it with the people involved. In her mum's place, I would love to have the in laws, because I love buzzing around, and might not think to / be brave enough to ask them without prompting from son in law.

Isitreallysohard · 07/08/2025 03:18

Thehop · 07/08/2025 03:14

I think you're getting a really unfair amount of shit here OP

your DH basically wants his cake and to eat it. You have a rotation in place that's fair and equal. One year you one year him. He wants to bring his lot to your year and get every year? Nope, that's not fair at all! Not on your mum and not on you.

he agreed to the annual swap and if his mum and sister didn't like it being quiet they could go to a hotel for lunch on the day, or on holiday for the break.....if they stay home they must enjoy doing it that way!

See this is such a strange way of looking at it, surely that's the better compromise anyway, rather than one year on one year off. Seems like the best of both worlds. Also sorry as I've been lazy and NRTFT but why it's it always at OPs mums, what about the other siblings? Also what happens if they have more people attend as families usually grow with partners and kids, and kids grow up too. So Christmas naturally will evolve.

Thehop · 07/08/2025 03:14

I think you're getting a really unfair amount of shit here OP

your DH basically wants his cake and to eat it. You have a rotation in place that's fair and equal. One year you one year him. He wants to bring his lot to your year and get every year? Nope, that's not fair at all! Not on your mum and not on you.

he agreed to the annual swap and if his mum and sister didn't like it being quiet they could go to a hotel for lunch on the day, or on holiday for the break.....if they stay home they must enjoy doing it that way!

Firstholiday · 07/08/2025 03:13

I'd extend the invite, why would you not? I couldn't have a ball knowing my partners family were alone.