It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

This is one of those things that is fine as long as everyone is OK with it and otherwise not. It doesn't sound like your in laws are a very good fit with your family, who also deserve to have their own family Christmas without needing to stand on ceremony for people they barely know. I'd also be worried about setting a precedent where your in laws expect to spend every Christmas with you from now on. Your MIL and SIL need to be able to spend Christmas just the two of them without being too sad because otherwise you'll be in the same situation every year. Spending Christmas with them every other year is fine.

Bear in mind that if and when you have children you might want to change things up a bit as well.

Do you mean the mum won’t accept help? If that’s the case there’s nothing to be done, but op hasn’t said that.

Sorry op, I’m in the ‘you’re being quite mean’ camp. My grandmother had over 60 in her 2 bed flat on Christmas until she died (she had 11 kids) and would always invite In laws. Just feels like you’re being very mean spirited and I would be quite sad and disappointed in you in if I was your husband - sorry. And no - before you accuse me of being an only child - I am one of 3 and husband is one of 5.

Hi, I'm in the position of your in laws . I would invite them. It's deeply painful to be I'm a small family in such close proximity of a large one.
The more the merrier should be your mantra on Christmas. You have a large, busy family. This is a joy and privilege, it will cost you nothing to share it. The love ypu feel for your mum, about not stressing her out is the same your dh feels about not leaving his mum out. Please reconsider.

Sorry @OtterlyMad I have only read all of your posts on this thread, but I have a suggestion that always works if the main participants hearts are really in it.

You, and all the other adults that your DM plays host to at Christmas, only need to give your DM an ultimatum, either she lets each indivual one of you bring a vegetable or carbohydrate dish for the main course - your DM could still cook the Turkey (or whatever the main component of the meal is) if she wants to. Then for the puddings, you could prepare/cook between you:

The Trifle,

The trafitional Christmas pudding - buy good quality from a reputable shop, then re-heat it on the day,

Maybe a few good quality Cheeses with some nice assorted crackers, and little bunches of red and green seedless grapes, and a few sticks of celery, as a 3rd choice.

Oh, ok, some warm mince pies as well if anyone could fit one in!

I know you have said that she won't delegate any of the jobs, but she almost definitely will if you all tell her that none of you will go to hers for Christmas again until she lets you all help with the food and any house preparations that need doing. To convince her you are all serious about this, it is extremely necessary for you all to be very serious about it. If any of you do honestly care about your DM, you will do this.

Don’t understand all these people saying invite them. Up to the hostess to invite and if she says no think of the ill feeling that will cause with her son in law so effectively if it’s suggested she will feel forced into it. Has anyone asked mother and sister if they are happy with current arrangements? They might not want to travel and be with a crowd they don’t know well. Husband is out of line making an issue of this

Why does your husband think that they would want to travel six hours each way to spend Christmas with your extended family when (1) they expected to be on their own this year, with the two of you coming to them next year and (2) they apparently barely see their own extended family?

In a perfect hypothetical scenario, your mum would be totally relaxed about one or two extra people and not at all inconvenienced or concerned whether they say yes or no. And your in-laws would feel completely free to say no, and your husband would accept that perfectly gracefully. And if they did go, your whole family would still behave perfectly naturally as they always do and your in laws would be completely at home with that and everyone would have a wonderful time.

From what you've said, it seems likely that your mother will be a bit flustered by the request no matter how much help is offered, and having the extra guests will impact everyone else attending in unpredictable ways. I'd also worry a little that since your husband is being quite pushy with you, he may also push his family into something they didn't want but agreed to out of politeness (or confusion).

In the end, your husband has to trust and defer to your decision about whether or not to ask your mother to invite them.

The question I asked before is, nice for who?

Nice for the two women who may not want to drive three hours in the winter to spend the holiday in a home crowded with strangers? Who we have no indication that they’re unhappy at all with the way things are, only that OP’s DH doesn’t like the alternating. Who aren’t genuinely wanted there by OP, but was pressured by husband?

Nice to the OP who doesn’t want to navigate the change in dynamics that will result from her in-laws being there? Or who is bullied into asking her mom if they can be invited? Who’s husband is name calling and insulting her for saying no?

Nice to OP’s mom who gets to be the bad guy if she says no, she doesn’t want her daughter’s in-laws, who are strangers to her invited and who.missed last Christmas with her daughter due to those same in-laws? Who will absolutely be aware that this means that she still gets to miss 50% of the holidays while the in-laws are at all of them?

Who, exactly is it nice for, other than OP’s dh? He’s the one who doesn’t like his mom and sister being just the two of them on alternate years. But it’s simply not nice or fair to demand they go to his mom’s every year, so the next best thing is to demand OP’s mom accommodate his family.

So DHs family have the choice of where they spend xmases in future regardless of how OPs family feel about it? The ILs may enjoy the big family Xmas, but if OPs family felt uncomfortable but were making the best of a bad job to be polite, do they not get to say once was enough?

Setting a precedent like that is very risky. The potential for resentment on both sides in future years needs to be thought about. If dh's family come but OPs family then decide that they don't want to offer again, how will dh react? Will he recognise that they were kind to offer but it didn't work out and accept that? Or will he hold a grudge against them for rejecting his family?

If it does go OK, will DPs family host OPs family the next year? Would they all go or would some go to be polite and others not. If they all turned the invite down how would that be received?

I don't think dh appreciates that he could be opening a can of worms.

I assume because she gets something out of it, it’s a choice to do it, no one is forcing her.

Agree with this. You can’t invite people to a thing that you aren’t hosting that then makes work/additional expense for another person that’s terrible manners.

The ops mum must get something out of doing the hosting otherwise she wouldn’t do it.

Sometimes it's nice, just to be nice? I'm not even factoring in DH or anything. I'm not Christian at all, quite the opposite, but I do believe in being a good human. I think if we can't be nice at Christmas of all times, really what hope is there 🤷🏻‍♀️ Two more people over for a meal, really isn't a big deal.

It sounds as if your DH wants to spend Christmas with his mum and sister. Why not just separate for the day and each see your own families?

This is exactly what restaurants are for.
Go out to eat!

I feel like OP’s husband is imposing how he feels on everyone, rather than what may actually be happening.

HE wants to see his mom and sister every year. No clue if mom and sister want to drive three hours in the winter each way, or if they’d want to be in with a crowd of strangers or if they don’t actually enjoy having a quiet holiday with just the two of them. There’s literally nothing to indicate how the mom and sister feel about things at all.

And, why is it okay to impact other people’s holidays to accommodate what he wants? OP doesn’t want to invite them to her mother’s. Why isn’t that enough? Why does what her husband want matter more than what OP wants, when it’s her mother hosting and her year to spend with her side of the family, having spent last year with his?

I genuinely don’t understand why his feelings outrank hers.

This is what I don't get. Just because she has the big house, why can't you and the siblings do the rest? She doesn't even have to cook if you all do a few dishes each.

Why does your mum run herself ragged? A few of you need to support her properly with the whole business including tidying the house first, decorating, shopping, veg prep, getting out the plates and glasses, constantly washing up during the meal prep and doing all of the clearing and washing afterwards. Let your mum be in charge of the actual cooking if she wants but the rest of you should do the donkey work.
If your mum is willing I’d invite the in laws since it means a lot to DH. Very like they will refuse and/or leave early.

I doubt they'd complain. People can still feel sad about being alone at Christmas, it doesn't mean they're going to make a big deal about it. That's why I'm saying, sometimes it's nice to jist be nice, it's a hard time of the year for many. I'd always invite anyone if I knew they'd be alone for Christmas, to me that's what Christmas is about

I’d think that if the MIL or SIL have complained, OP would’ve mentioned it.

And exactly what is nice about demanding your wife ask her mother to host your family? And insulting your wife, calling her names when she says no?

This is his MIL’s home. She’s hosting. It’s incredibly rude, imo, to expect to impose additional guests on her. It’s not the slightest bit nice to demand that you see your family every Christmas when you’ve already agreed to alternate. It’s not nice at all to demand that your wife see your family every Christmas and never have one with just her family again.

Who said they haven't? Honestly Christmas is such a vulnerable time for many people, especially if they don't choose to be alone. Surely this is one time of the year people can be nice 😕

Who the heck has sad that two women spending Christmas together is sad and lonely?! Neither of them have. OP’s husband is the one wanting to impose his mom and sister on his in-laws. There is absolutely no indication that either of the women are even aware that he’s pushing his wife to have them invited!

I would invite them and let them make the call. As for your mother, you simply tell her she isn't doing everything. If you absolutely refuses, then she is being a martyr and that's on her. My MIL has this tendency but we have gotten her out of it just by being firm.

Amazed at the posters on this thread saying OP should ‘just invite them’ - it’s not in her power to do so, she’s not the hostess! I know my mum in this situation would hate the added burden (and yes, the addition of 2 people who are not family members would be a burden) and I wouldn’t want to ask her because I know she’d say yes under duress. Inviting the in-laws will have to wait until OP and her DH are hosting at their own house.

If the OP’s MIL or SIL were on their own it would be different, but they’re not, they have each other. Nothing wrong with spending Christmas as a pair every other year. I doubt they’d want to come anyway, I know I wouldn’t want to in these circumstances.

Wow, this comment is really screaming projection. The poster sounds miserable.