It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

Omg I was going to write a similar post OP!!

Only I’ve been doing what your DH suggested for about 5 years and I want to stop this year 😭

My ILs would also be on their own if we didn’t invite them so my DH suggested we just invite everyone to ours. Only my mum really hates it because they are just very different people (I do too really because I it always feels a bit awkward) and we’d both much rather alternate.

No tips but you’re totally right to keep the plans as they are. Once you start it’s much harder to stop…

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

OP, I can see where you're coming from. You've had some very harsh, personalised comments but that's standard around here. Don't take them to heart!

To me, there is an obvious solution but, reading your latest update, it looks like it's not something you'd go for. I'm talking about each going separately to your respective families. I've been with my husband for nearly 25 years and the only Christmas Day we've spent together was a few years ago when the in-laws succumbed to Covid. We don't have children, so that makes it simpler. We have each cherished our Christmas Days with our own families over the years. Is this an option at all? How would your husband respond to the proposal, I wonder? I completely understand that you might not enjoy being apart on Christmas Day. My husband and I are fine with it 😝!

Your mum running herself ragged is a separate issue, and you've had good advice on that. My mam is similarly stubborn (and proud) but we have had to stand our ground. She now does only three components of the dinner - her special specialties - and we bring the rest!

Good luck, OP. You do not seem nasty and mean to me. Try talking to your husband again. We often have strong feelings, memories and emotional connections around Christmas. I hope you can resolve the conflict.

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

I’ve finally found that post after repeatedly pressing Load Older Posts . Don’t know how old op’s mum is but I’d be declining linvitations to large events from an older person who hosted like that, never mind adding extra guests. Surely there’s another solution…

OP says her DM would be “relaxed” about such an invitation - but would she? Or would she simply not feel able to refuse? And what about everyone else? How would they feel about having someone else’s in-laws? It would definitely change the dynamic, and the fact that the house isn’t big enough would also add to the stress. I can seat twelve round my dining table; on occasion we have been more than that and I have had to set up a second table in the kitchen. One year, my DSS brought his SIL because she had missed her train back - it was awkward and inconvenient, because a seated meal had to turn into a buffet; nobody knew her and she was clearly overwhelmed by all these people she didn’t know. It’s not as easy as simply issuing an invitation and hoping it will all work out, and to issue an invitation when you’re not the ones hosting, and imposing on the good nature of a mother who in all probability would not feel able to refuse even if she wanted to, is nothing short of rude.

Honestly you sound quite heartless. This is your husbands mother and sister. And if you have kids, their grandmother and aunt. You do you OP, but you reap what you sow. One day it might be you who is all alone at Christmas, let's hope karma doesn't bite you in the arse.

From bitter experience of trying to bring totally different sets of parents together at Christmas DONT DO IT.

cant hear you have kids, but you do need to think ahead and plan for Christmas at home on your own, and it starts by one of you not spending Christmas with your own parents and alternating this and then staying at home.

best Christmas we ever had was the first one we spent in our own home with no visitors at all for the whole holiday period.

Dont underestimate how hard it is to integrate two quiet reserved people into a chaos family situation

But that means those attending who weren't blood related but were there because they were married to someone in your family were missing out on their own family Christmas.

I think looking at this going forward you should keep it separate. There is a 6 hour travel component in all of this which of course means you must stay over.

How we did this as children. Christmas eve, one set of grandparents, Christmas day just us as a family, Boxing Day the other grandparents. I think there needs to be a different way for you to celebrate Christmas too.

How we do it now, Christmas day is divided between our two families and exactly like yours, 2 on one side, quiet, and then the other loud, lots of us, games etc but our families live 15 minutes apart. We used to get them together for birthday parties for the children but they are honestly like chalk and cheese.

Do not pressure your Mum to invite your in-laws. What your Dh fails to see is that surely this could then mean one of your siblings wives/husbands is pissed because they don't see their family Christmas day if spending it with your family and then can they invite their parents? It never stops.

It's not up to you whether they get invited or not OP. It's up to the host. You need to tell DH to ask your mother.

OP you sound horrible. If I were your husband I'd consider my relationship with someone so mean

I agree you can’t invite someone to someone else’s Christmas, they’ll just have to wait until you host.

I think your mum is the host - I think it up to her to decide if she wants to host two people.

If alternative years doesn't work for dh why not see one lot on Xmas day and the other lot on boxing day/ new year's day or whatever. Don't be obsessive about the 25th. Plenty of people these days (especially those with shared custody of children) have their Xmas on a day other than the 25th.

I haven't RTWT but it seems highly unreasonable for your husband to just demand your mum pulls up 2 extra spaces like that - and what if other members of the 10 other people also realise their ILs will also be spending a quieter Xmas so they have to come too and now suddenly cooking for 12 turns to cooking for 20?? They aren't alone they are quieter together and their social lives and lack of other friends/family is not dhs burden.

Do your parents and PIL actually know each other? My family dynamic is similar with DH’s side being literally his DM and single sister who has no DC.

Mine have never met each other despite DH and I being together for nearly 20 years. If I suggested they spend time together at Christmas they’d think it was seriously weird and that is with them all living locally.

Ask them, the older generation, what they think and take it from there? Are they nice people? If they are generous hearted, then what's the problem? If they are mean spirited then don't bother. Also, why can't they fly? Is there an airport near them? I would fly from Southampton to Leeds with no problem and I am not sure it is that much more expensive. Takes just under and hour.

Ask them, if they say yes:
Without discussing with your mother, ask everyone attending to make 1 dish each.
Get some foldable table and chairs.

problem solved
or split the day like you used to

Ok, I have a suggestion, and I know the cost may be prohibitive but if it's not, get an air BnB with space and host yourself. It will give your mum a break and DH can invite whoever he wants! I think the only person who can do invitations is the one who is doing the work (and paying) hosting Christmas is expensive and tiring, I do it every year and would love a break.

OP said that at 21.48 yesterday. Her mum obviously gets a lot of enjoyment out of hosting all her family even if it does run her ragged. Forcing her to accept help as others have suggested may well make Xmas miserable for her if she feels that she is no longer looking after her family in the way she wants to.

I think a lot of people are protecting on this thread. Of course it's fine to have Christmas without your ILs and they are absolutely fine spending it together just the two of them. Your DH is being weird. He needs to drop the apron strings. His mum is a grown up and she'll be with her daughter. If she wants to invite anyone else to her Christmas she can do. It's not your responsibility to worry about a pair of adults!

But OP isn't spending Christmas Day in her own home. She has said that once she and her DH can afford to move to a larger house, she would be happy to host both sides of the family for Christmas dinner.

It's different for OP to have to ask her mum to include her in-laws when they hardly know each other and are very different kinds of people, OP's side being big drinkers and quite rowdy and her DH's family being quiet and sedate. I would feel under much more pressure and scrutiny if I had to cater for either of my sons' in-laws on Christmas Day.

OP's mum's house and oven aren't big enough to include extra people so her mum would feel stressed if asked, but would probably feel unable to say no. It's not really fair of OP's DH to put her mum in this position.