It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

I said 'if your mum is happy to host them'

OP is looking for excuses to not invite them. It could work out quite easily, she just doesn't want it to.

Just alter the alternating. Your husband goes to his family and the next year you both go.

Tell your husband it's not his invite to dish out.

That's right, no such thing as a perfect Christmas, so it's going to work out fine that OP gets to be with her family at Christmas, as agreed by her husband and without having to break their agreement. All sorted :)

She can't invite them, it's her mother's house, so her mother would have to invite them.

And if her mother wanted to invite them she would have done so.

What happens at your house is irrelevant, OP has clearly explained why this won't work.

Imagine trying to force a woman to do something she doesn't want to do and force her mother to host people she has not invited for no reason at all except that her husband is being demanding and unfair and doesn't want to stick to the agreement now that it's her turn.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

In an ideal world you’d be able to rent a large house between you all invite everyone and everyone does their bit/brings a food item. I think you need to speak with your DM first, your mil may not want to be crammed in having another families ways and traditions to deal with.

It’s not a big deal, the perfect Christmas doesn’t exist!

I don't think I would like my in-laws sharing xmas dinner with my own family. However, your replies have been really snarky and you come across quite unkind and unpleasant.
You said you would love to spend Xmas day with your mum alone watching tv, suggest to your husband he spend the day with his family, maybe he would prefer this as well.

Yeah Im with your dh.. Had my inlaws with us previously at my dad's when they'd have been themselves.

If it were me, I wouldn't be inviting them. It doesn't just affect you. There are other people at your family Christmas who I can't imagine would particularly welcome two random in laws. It would totally change the dynamic at my family Christmases if we had people who weren't proper family.

Also, do you know that they don’t like a quiet Christmas? Covid Christmas when we couldn't go visiting was one of our best. Maybe I'm a massive scrooge 😂

You're absolutely in the right here, but some of them will argue that black is white and up is down because they personally want you to be forced to do what they personally want you to do.

Mumsnetters are often quite mental, unfortunately.

Good on you for not being a doormat and looking after your mum.

I voted YANBU however reading all your replies (not the full thread) you are pretty dogmatic about you not being unreasonable. I think it might be worth you telling your husband that you can see his point of view (and try to, he obviously feels the two are lonely) - you can see someone’s point of view whilst still holding your own.

Your Mums house isn’t an option as you aren’t the host and you’ve explained there is naff all room.

Personally I agree that it’s not fair if you are doing turns that your turn is taken away and changed however if it is going to change then one of you has to give a little on this otherwise your husband could well refuse to change. It sounds like you are concerned about things being equitable however if you both dig in there’s a huge issue so what would a compromise look like?

Your husband can go on his own or you can host the in-laws at yours and then pop to your Mums for drinks either before going back to yours for Christmas dinner or after having had dinner. Or you could dig in and wait to ‘win’ the argument and kick the issue further down the road and potentially breed resentment on both sides.

re your Mum doing all the work and wishing you could host - would it be possible for your siblings to pitch in and get a holiday let big enough for you all and then you all cook and your Mum gets to sit and be hosted?

I wouldn't take advice on 'being kind' from someone who uses an ableist term like 'moron' which is now considered to be really offensive.

If your mum is happy to host them, then I would invite them. I can't imagine leaving two people out.

We always bring my widowed father-in-law to my family's christmas. Nobody minds. If they did, then we probably wouldn't go.

Where is your Christmas spirit?

And as an aside I mentioned it on here when posting about something and everyone said “well, it’s nuts to have that many people over - you should have said no”!!

OP has said that if her mum was asked, she would agree because that is the sort of person she is. Her mum is obviously a people pleaser and puts other people first and she wouldn't want to upset OP's DH by saying no. OP doesn't want to put added pressure on her mum and she is concerned that the free and easy, quite raucous and loud behaviour of her family is not what her MIL and SIL are used to as they are more reserved and sedate.

Normally I’d say more the merrier BUT(!) I’ve done this - regularly have 12+ and 3 extra family members needed to be invited as the kind thing to do….. they didn’t understand the ‘muck in & relax’ vibe and then caused a major row. I’d bent over backwards to accommodate them. I’d potentially consider it but they’d need to book into a b&b/hotel so they (& you) can get space if required!

The messages here are really interesting, because I completely agree with you and am finding it hard to see things from the other perspective.

I think that it is really rude to invite extra guests for Christmas Day at a house where the host is already busy and stressed. Doubly so if you know they won’t gel well. Triply so if the host is the sort of person who doesn’t say no. You and your husband are adults, and I don’t think that you should attempt to control who your mum invites to her house, you wouldn’t like it if she invited people to yours.

Equally, DHs mum is an adult in charge of her own home. She could invite other guests (I know they don’t have family but lots of people spend Xmas with friends), choose to go away for Xmas, go to her daughters, have lunch at a fancy hotel etc. it’s not down to you and dh to manage her plans.

I think that the three options here are that you continue the existing system; that you return to the previous system or that you find a way to invite everyone to yours (coffee and presents at yours followed by restaurant lunch)?

Interestingly, I really strongly agree with your comment about fairness. And I’m wondering whether you’ve missed more Christmas days with your family than dh since you agreed the new system? Or whether there are issues with fairness in other areas of the relationship?

This op. You could invite them and they may well decline. Are you close enough that they would tell you honestly and not want to be polite for the invitation?

But that isn't what her mum wants!!!!

Her mum WANTS to host and do the running around. I would hate not to be in control of the meal, and to have people turning up with stuff that I haven't made. It's fine for other get togethers but not for my family Christmas. And I'd very much resent that happening because my son in law has insisted on bringing two people who I didn't expect to be coming.

I know you have said that she won't delegate any of the jobs, but she almost definitely will if you all tell her that none of you will go to hers for Christmas again...

I can't believe what I just read.

I don't get how people are saying it's mean. OPs mum is hosting for her family. What if the siblings also have in laws from small families who will only be a couple on Christmas day? What happens if the siblings hear OP is inviting their in-laws so their partners then feel annoyed that their parents never get invited? This could cause a whole family divide as OPs family could be seen as preferential to others and the poor mum stuck hosting a whole load of extras!

I think people need to get a grip and remember it is just one day. Alternate years is fine. Or perhaps have a Christmas day type event at new year with the family you don't see on Christmas day.

I’d do at least one Christmas just you and DP before kids OP make the most of the opportunity.

Maybe DH should reconsider his relationship with OP, who is completely heartless towards his mother and sister 😐

Maybe OP should re-consider her relationship with her husband who has no qualms about making OP's mum's Christmas Day more stressful with uninvited guests.

I don’t really understand why you have posted OP. Anyone who has disagreed with you has had a snarky comment in return and you don’t seem to have reflected on any of the responses genuinely. For what it’s worth, my view is that if it matters to your husband to have his mum and sister invited then I would ask your mum whether this is something she could manage or whether it is too much. Your husband is saying he would like them to be invited and that should matter - not whether you consider they are sufficiently alone or not. But I don’t think you want my view or anyone else’s - you are quite determined that you are right and everyone who disagrees with you is wrong so this is a bit of a waste of everyone’s time !

OP said they will host both sides when they move to a bigger house in a few years time. So these future children will see that just because your parents get on it doesn't mean that the families they come from are the same. We often joke Dh must be adopted because he is very different than his family.

Like the OP Dh's side is 2 people, a parent and a sibling. My side is bigger, louder and it wouldn't work mixing the two sides. My ILs wouldn't want it either. We go from one loud, chaotic Christmas meal which we all love to a quiet, no decorations whatsoever you wouldn't even know it is Christmas house. Not even Christmas music playing. It is a stark contrast.

OP isn't hosting, her Mum is. Her Mum could invite them but never has. There is a reason for that. It would involve 6 hours of travelling for them too.

Your husband is completely unreasonable.

Why should your siblings, nephews and nieces or whoever makes up the 12 of you have to spend their Christmas with two total strangers? Especially strangers very much not in same style of celebrating? It's their Christmas too.

Why are two people having Christmas together 'alone'? They aren't alone, they are together.

They could invite friends if they wanted more people to celebrate with, I certainly have. Or they can have a lovely laid back Christmas without travel or socialising with strangers.

Your DH is being selfish and lazy. If he's not prepared to alternate Christmas as agreed, he can find a way to facilitate hosting himself, be that a squash and a squeeze at yours or renting somewhere and inviting both side to come.

Expecting everyone in your extended family to budge up is unreasonable.