It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

“Imagine trying to force a woman to do something she doesn't want to do and force her mother to host people she has not invited for no reason at all except that her husband is being demanding and unfair and doesn't want to stick to the agreement now that it's her turn”.

Yeah, says a lot.

That’s you. OP is quite rightly advocating for her mother

OP I was single in the year after my mother died and my married brothers didn’t give a shiny shit that I was spending Christmas Day alone (I hosted my mum for Christmas 1:3). I was actually invited to join two sets of friends for the day but happily spent it alone, having booked a solo holiday to Antigua three days after Christmas

You have been very nasty to the OP across this thread. It really is uncalled for.

Quite reasonably, the OP doesn't want to impose a pair of strangers on her accomodating mum who already runs herself ragged at the family Christmas. She doesn't want her rowdy, informal family celebrations - which she can only participate in every other year - to be altered by the inclusion of reserved and more formal in-laws.

She doesn't see why her DH should see his mum and sister every Christmas while she gets half that and even then has to have the dynamic changed.

She doesn't want to impose strangers as guests on the rest of her family.

Two people having Christmas together isn't sad and lonely, it's perfectly normal. IF, and that's conjecture, if the DH's mum.ans sister don't enjoy a small Christmas celebration they can easily change that without their daughter in law's mother being the answer.

I don’t know, it’s a tricky one. If it works out then surely that means every Christmas you can have with both sides of the family? If it doesn’t then you’ve tried.

Have you also spoken to your in laws do they mind being just the two of them? They may like a quiet Christmas over one with lots of people they don’t know?

I'm in a similar position. I come from a big family and my husband has one brother who lives away. When his brother and partner were over for Christmas we would go to my families but for the last few years my brother in law has come to visit after Christmas so we've spent it with my in-laws. Of course I'd rather see my family as it's more fun but the in-laws are on their own and their Christmas would be a bit flat/depressing if they didn't have dinner with my husband, me and our 2 kids (& they are lovely people). I totally understand my DH not wanting to leave them out and when I'm old and grey hopefully my kids will include me in things.

This is one of those things where more the merrier types of people and reserved private people see things differently.

MIL and SIL might be perfectly happy spending Christmas together and OP's husband might be trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist. They might just want to see their son/brother not a dozen of his inlaws where they may have to sit on an office chair and elbow their way to getting the mashed potatoes that are made slightly differently than the way they like.

Similarly OP's mum might say fine if asked but not really know how to host a much quieter pair of people she doesn't know well who don't know the rules of the games that are played around the table and expect to win more prizes from the Christmas crackers.

I would not try and force an invitation as they may attend out of obligation and everyone may have a slightly awkward time every year after thinking they're making a sacrifice to make other people happy.

Even though I do understand your DH being upset his Mum and Sister will be alone it’s not his place to ask to extend the invite to your Mums at Xmas. I would be annoyed at this, why don’t you ask him to contact your Mum himself about it and she how he feels?

Maybe then he might feel uncomfortable and that it is actually an imposition.

Cant see them wanting to travel 6 hours for Xmas dinner but then I don’t know them.

Hopefully you can work it out because something like this will be difficult to forget if his feelings are true about the “gatekeeping” etc.

Hmph. DH and I are "on our own" and rarely get invited anywhere for Christmas by the wider family.

Sulk.

Nah, just kidding, we love it.

YANBU OP. Stick to your guns 🎄

Oh god some of these comments! 🙄
OP I totally get you and can understand why you are hesitant to invite your MIL & SIL because let’s be honest….they come, your DH gets annoyed that you are “ignoring” his family (just because you spent Xmas day talking to your siblings or catching up with family you haven’t seen for a while), his family are silently sat watching the chaos and judging you and your family, there will be subtle comments after about how they didn’t know you drank so much (hinting that they think you now have a drink problem 🙄) and then after they have gone home they mention to your DH that they won’t want to do that again and hadn’t enjoyed themselves so when it finally gets to the point that you want to host in your own home and have both families there….they make it clear they would prefer a “quieter” xmas and you end up being guilted into a 6 hour drive with the kids 🙄

Dont do it! Tell DH if he wants you are happy to go back to spending Xmas apart but this is YOUR year with your family and that is what you will be doing. He is welcome to join or go home but as you are not hosting you will not be extending the invite as it is just RUDE!!
Also ask if he would be happy to invite your family to his mothers next year???? It’s ONLY an extra 12? Even if it was just your mum I think he would feel differently

good luck and stay firm :)

It’s quite normal for 2 families not to be joined in this way, somtimes because they don’t have much in common, or simply because they don’t live anywhere near eachother.

I got married 6 years ago and our parents have seen eachother once since then.

Yes I agee and feel for your husband for not taking his feelings into consideration. It’s just one day and can you all just help out with everything between you all to make it less stressful for your mum.

Exactly this. How cruel of you. Why bother getting married if you aren't joining two families in any meaningful way? Anyway, if they don't like it they won't come again - problem solved.

I haven't voted on YABU/YANBU because I just don't know. I am 72, and for over 50 years have grappled with these family expectations, and risking upsetting/offending people. As our family has got smaller over the years (my mother was one of 9, but their descendants are now scattered worldwide/lost touch/died) we are now only in a 2-year cycle of us going to BIL/SIL or them coming to us, but honestly, I still feel pressured either way, and would love the freedom to either have the day alone, or go on holiday instead, and celebrate Christmas overlooking a golden beach, with no turkey, but several large cocktails. I don't know why people make such a hoo-hah about family at Christmas, especially when so few people nowadays in the UK acknowledge any of the religious connotations of the season. HOWEVER, having said all that, and coming from a family that used to sit over 20 down to Christmas dinner, and having catered for such myself, I honestly don't think 2 more would make much difference to your mum, it's more would your DH's family enjoy it? Oh, and if you don't already, all members of your family should be contributing, either by bringing along a ready-cooked dish (agreed and co-ordinated ahead of time with mum) or bringing something like Christmas crackers, after-dinner chocolates etc, etc. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Would they want to come? Will your Mum definitely say yes if room is tricky? You could ask and even if your Mum says yes your MIL may say “no, thank you” but appreciate the gesture.

I understand both of your perspectives. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. It’s tricky.

What about something else entirely? Your family for Christmas and your husband’s family (or a short trip away with them) for a few days after Christmas over or New Year? Extend the festivities!

You’re not being unreasonable. My sibling always invites his in-laws to family occasions with our side, and I’m sick of having to spend each holiday with people I barely know. It totally changes the vibe, and instead of having relaxed conversations with my family, I have to spend a decent chunk of the time making awkward small talk.

Ahh this is a bit sad.. what if the Shipman's hadn't invited Stacey's mum and Uncle Bryn? Seriously though OP you sound as if you've your mind made up so I don't know why you asked for advice...

Omg some of the vile posts on here to OP are unbelievable - make me think that they come from people who would impose themselves on others.

The husbands mother and sister are not alone as they are 'together'. The husband sounds like an arse - op go back to you going to your family n him going to his. I totally get where your coming from with two different families and a mother who despite every attempt to help will be run ragged. To everybody saying it's just two more people, the OP already said they have a full house with some people sitting on the floor for fucks sake. Some of the posters on here are wild - if you're happy to invite others then great but no need to be so harsh on the OP.

It’s one bloody day for Christ’s sake. I’m sure the MIL and SIL can find a way to celebrate it on their own. Nice meal out or maybe go away. I’m with the OP. I had a boyfriend who expected me to spend Christmas with his family every year because he was an only child. It wasn’t my mum’s fault that she decided to have several kids and his parents only wanted one. I was prepared to do every other year but not every year. And no, I didn’t want his family there with mine. They really didn’t know each other that well.

If your mum wanted them there she would have invited them but she hasn’t, it sounds like she’s got her hands full already

Why don't you ask your mum what she thinks? She sounds kinder than you.

Nobody is suggesting everyone brings their in laws - presumably they're all happy with what they do.

Maybe you're right and your in laws wouldn't enjoy it. But at least they would know they had been invited and you could have your cake and eat it.

Why? You can still have a great Christmas with just your own DC.

We do just that every year and it’s great.

I feel OPs had a hard time here.

I would never feel it's my place to invite someone to someone else's house.

If mother said you are welcome to invite your in laws that's fair enough. I know OP said her mother would probably say yes but for most people that would probably be out of feeling obligated.

OPs sis may also feel maybe she should invite her in-laws too and then it's not just an additional two.

It's not as if it's a single person spending Christmas alone

Don’t these siblings ever go to their in-laws for Christmas? Or host their inlawsat their house? It sounds like everyone is a bit too wedded to OP’s mum doing all the work, and everyone needs to start varying things a bit?

Both my DH and I had small families - my mum and DB and his parents. His parents lived 200 miles away, my mum lived locally, DB would come home most years except if he was away travelling. DH’s parents would come to us every year and my mum and DB (if around) would join us. It worked ok, although I did yearn to have Christmas alone with DH occasionally! Our parents are no longer with us, and DB has his own family; we are relaxed about how Christmas happens, sometimes we host, sometimes they do, sometimes they (DB, his partner and son) will go abroad to DB’s in-laws, so we then get Christmas on our own and we love that too.

Maybe I’m biased but I’ve been both the host and the SIL in this scenario and hate it both ways round 😆 I’m of course more than happy to have my sisters partner round, he’s part of the family and we love him, but on multiple occasions my sister has invited his parents too who are very formal, don’t know anything about us and change the whole dynamic of Christmas. No one feels like they can relax properly. Likewise, I’ve been the token invite because someone feels bad and will always turn it down in favour of staying on with a fancy dinner and a glass of vino without the pressure to perform.

The fair thing if you change current arrangements would be to expect DH family to invite all of your family on their turn. This may help your DH realise why you are feeling as you do.
I am a big fan of suggesting you establish your own traditions and don't always do any set pattern.
You could also add in a three yearly DH family invited to yours if you want to keep a set "fair" pattern.