It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

You are entirely missing the point of Christmas….. the more the merrier!

Just imagine if you were last person standing on your side of the family and your daughter-in-law (and son) said she couldn’t fit you in to her big family Christmas. I could cry if I give it too much thought.

I’ve posted already but god this thread is genuinely baffling me. I don’t see how people are saying ‘just invite them!’ to someone else’s (small!) home, someone who seems to struggle to say no and who insists on running around after everyone already! Like… what? Do social norms and manners fly out of the window because it’s Christmas? OPs mother is, no doubt, aware of the existence of her children’s in-laws and has, very reasonably, chosen not to exponentially increase the number of people she hosts by choosing not to extend the invite to them all!

Absolutely.
As long as your mum is happy to host me for Christmas from now until the end of time, obviously.
😉

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to ask, but he’s being unreasonable to not accept no and to say it’s only two extra people for your mum. I also don’t think you’re being unreasonable to say no. It would change the vibe at Christmas for my family to have people they don’t know sat around the table. I don’t think it would feel the same if my brother brought along his sister in law who I don’t know, and for us to be opening gifts and getting drunk with them there.

Where would they stay if they came to your mum for Christmas? Would you have to host them around Christmas?

Plus, it sounds like it becomes your mum’s burden to do this every other year once it begins. I’d also say no.

I’d offer them the opportunity (if your mum says it’s ok) but warn them that it’s likely to be a big loud ruckus, then they can choose whether to join in (and like it!) or have a quiet one just the two of them.

Alternating is already fair, he can FO dictating every year he can have next year?

I agree too. It does seem like you’re gate keeping your jolly family Christmas. Surely you can summon the grace to try to include them.

Just an alternative word.

I'm 65 now and our mothers are 89, mine is married. From 1991 to 2019 I hosted Christmas for MIL and FIL, my mother and step didn't want to come - step didn't have children and they had very active social lives. They were always invited. They came the weekend or two beforehand and I always did a special meal - sometimes Turkey.

ILs were 240 miles away, mine 100. DH's sisters live abroad and I'm an only child. The arrangement became a rod I made for my own back.

For a couple of years post covid we took a house near MIL so she wasn't alone at Christmas.

Nowadays they are both frail and for the last few years we have worked on the basis that every Christmas could be their last. Therefore DH and I split at Christmas.

Our DC are grown up. One is married and one relatively settled. They have their own lives and whilst we are delighted they want to see us during the Christmas period, they are very welcome to have their own plans. I want them always to come because they want to, not from a sense of duty. For three years now we haven't been able to be together on the three main days and it isn't an issue.

There will come a time when DH and I may spend Christmas on our own. It will be bloody marvellous notwithstanding the sad reasons for it when it happens.

I just wanted to say that not all parents have unrealistic expectations at Christmas time, will willingly go with the flow and might happily have a bit of p&q having spent spent decades running around after everyone else.

As for two people not being “alone” at Christmas, I think that depends on the people. I’m sure many parents on here would be distraught if none of their children invited them for Christmas, or all made other plans hat didn’t include them. Other couples would no doubt be perfectly happy to have a cosy Christmas together. And while some single people are happy spending Christmas alone with parents, many others would not be.

Do the families not get a choice here? OP married her DH; her parents and siblings didn’t. I’m one of four kids, all married/shacked up, and my parents each have three siblings too – there’s enough family on both sides without them having to add 4x sets of families from their various children-in-laws. And my DH has two siblings, they’re married too. There is no meaningful way to join that many people.

In any case, OP is invited to her in-laws on alternate years and her DH is invited to her family on alternate years – how is that not joined enough?

I've only looked at the first page of comments but I'm gonna go against them, I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I know there's only two of his relatives but alternating keeps it fair. It's not exactly fair for you to only see your family on alternating years while he gets to see his every Christmas without fail. If you asked for your family to be invited to his on his year, he'd rightly tell you to sod off.

I don't think the number of people attending is the only issue, either. Different families have different dynamics. Just bc you're married doesn't change that. Yes, his family are your family now but that doesn't mean every member of your side of the family will feel at ease around two people they don't really know and will only see once a year. They might feel judged or uncomfortable and it won't lessen with time bc they won't see DH's family enough to build up rapport.

I'm getting married next year and I'm a bit nervous about some of my relatives and some of DP's relatives mixing and what they may think of one another. We've alternated Christmas every year and will continue to do so. I think it's the fairest way.

YANBU.

I understand how you feel and I think if you are alternating each year, and that’s what was agreed, then, that’s what it is. Alternatively, could you say to your husband: “great idea, we will invite them to my Mum’s Christmas” My family will all be delighted to join your Mum and sister at theirs next year!” Perhaps it is only 2 extra people but that can change the dynamic for everyone and why should your husband see his family every year and you every other. That doesn’t sound fair on you, to me!

Your husband is being selfish. This is your family's year. He agreed to alternate years and he was presumably happy to not include your family last year. He wants to spend every Christmas with his family while you have to alternate. No thanks!

Mil and sil will be fine sharing Christmas together. It doesn't sound like they'd enjoy your family Christmas anyway.

No you aren't being unreasonable at all. In laws is a different experience (I don't feel as comfortable and relaxed around my in-laws, it's more socially draining) and it's not how I want to spend my Xmas every year but would be happy to do it sometimes. I think you've been considerate by compromising and doing every other year. Your MIL isn't alone, she has her daughter.

I have a huge extended family with many step siblings and cousins. Even though my step mother is extremely house proud and an excellent host/cook -I usually offer to bring some extras (salad, cake or side dish of som kind) to take the burden off her making everything. Some of my sils do the same and some do not.
Sorry if this has already been suggested. I know all families have different dynamic. But it does seem unnecessary for your mum to have all the burden, whether or not your mil and sil come too.

I just can’t understand this point of view tbh.

I understand where op is coming from with her mother. My mum never wants any help in the kitcen on xmas day, despite me offering. But she would absolutely feel extra pressure with extra guests, who she also doesn’t know very well. She would feel more pressure to impress.

Also I really fail to understand anyone on this thread who is angry with op for not extending an invitation that is not hers. She is not the host. Surely op’s mum knows the situation and she would have invited them if she had wanted to.

Assume you all help out with Christmas Day meal etc? Generally I have spent Christmas Day with my late DH's family and everyone brings a dish, the men all cook the meat (bit sexist, I know!) and we set up a long table, if necessary going through a hall way or two rooms (we have those sorts of houses - people bring extra chairs and boards to make the table one level - the men set this up too, sexist as well). It's fun. We play games, we all get slightly tipsy (unless driving - non-alcoholic fizz, soft drinks and faux 'gin' etc provided). A memorable day. My late DH used to moan about going (liked to be at home) but I am so glad we attended for his last Christmas.

If your mum is willing, I see no reason not to invitel MiL and SiL over - and you can have a quiet Boxing Day together if that is what you all like.

And my poor mum has to run herself ragged… just doesn’t seem fair to me.

Why would two extra people mean your mum is running herself ragged? Just because she is hosting doesn't mean she needs to do all the work. Or do you mean you are happy for her to run herself ragged for her immediate family?

I can totally understand your husband being disappointed in you - unless your MIL and SIL are completely toxic people why not have them over to your parent's place for a few hours? Really mean not to.

So dramatic, she's not on her own, she's with her daughter!
Also it is not thoughtful or generous to volunteer someone else's free labour.

have you considered booking a restaurant instead - this helps your mum out and she can enjoy Christmas?

But what if the siblings also have partners with family members who will be alone/only two of them. Where do you draw the line?
OP says they have siblings - not sure how many but assuming 2 siblings, if they then bring their parents as well we then have 6 extra people joining in. Do they all then need to reciprocate in the future and then take a turn hosting?

Alternate years is the fairest thing. Surely the years OP doesn't see her mum there is also the potential that her mum is alone, as the siblings are also at in laws?

Why do you think it is generous and thoughtful to force extra guests on her mum that weren’t originally invited?

Also, there is no issue with 2 people spending xmas with eachother.

I’ve got the same answer as I always give. You do you. But you have to live with the consequences. Imagine yourself in the future, your kids are grown and you’re widowed. You see them alternate Chrismasses, because your daughter-in-law doesn’t want to invite you for her family year. Maybe you’d be fine with that, maybe not. But no-one asks you. If that sits ok with you, then you’ve got your answer.

Personally, I’d invite them. But no-one can make you be generous and thoughtful.

I think you’re still fair enough to alternate , it’s not your mum’s fault the brother doesn’t come…