It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

OP can't just unilaterally decide 'the more the merrier' and then impose it on her mum.

OP has said many times that when she and her DH move to a bigger house, there will be an open invitation to both sides of the family so it will be 'the more the merrier' at that point.

Honestly, I can't believe that a mother and daughter spending Christmas Day together every other year is actually making people so sad that they want to cry. It all sounds very performative and over the top to me.

I guess this is why it seems mean (and petty), because essentially you're saying if you don't want to have a sad, small Christmas then go make some other friends, you're not welcome here. To your DHs family, and I presume you care about him at least, and want him to have the best day he can. So just own it and say you don't want them to be part of your family Xmas.

There’s already a compromise in place. Alternate Christmases. A new compromise of meeting half way/ seeing neither parent on Xmas day/ inviting in laws to spend time with each other to make it easier for someone doesn’t need to be made. Continue with the alternate Christmases, it’s the only fair way.

god id knock this on the head now I hate this Christmas drama haha

I never once spent Christmas at my in-laws - even when we were married for 5 years pre kids we just each did Christmas with our own families. we both live in UK and families in Ireland so we both were keen to just get home to each of our families as we live away anyway.

I see my husband every day so i don't really care that we spend Christmas separate tbh, what does it matter its just a meal and a few drinks and present swapping.

We have 2 little kids now though and first 2 years was Covid so we didn't go home and then last year we did go back and had it at my families house and then we went to see his mum on the 27th

This year we are just staying in our own house as travelling is expensive at Christmas and I don't want to be dragging the presents home on a plane.

The sooner you break free of the expectations the better i think.

Goodness there's some sanctimonious, holier-than-thou types on the thread. You're being completely reasonable, OP. If your DH is so concerned about his mum and sister being on their own, then he can spend Xmas with them and you can see your family in peace.

I will never understand the obsession that Christmas starts in November and ends in January. It's extremely difficult for people on their own. Not everyone has a family or friends who invite them. I've spent the last 6 Christmas' entirely on my own. I would see friends in the build up to it, but it's an incredibly isolating time and yes, I beg to differ, it IS one day.

If there are family around, yes they should be invited.

Voted YANBU because we have to have joint celebrations with my BIL's in-laws (my SIL parents/family) and I bloody hate it. I usually sit one end with my quieter FIL and BIL, and it ends up as two camps. I appreciate the irony that I, too, am just an in-law to DH family.

Is it, I had no idea. Thanks for letting me know! I do try and be kind, when it counts 🫠

She's already run ragged with the amount of your family
Two extra people coming,might actually a help to her

I get where your husband is coming from. If it was at your house I'd say invite them. Its not your husbands place invite guests to your mum's house.

This.

Not sure how old your poor mum is but regardless what you do with your MIL and SIL it’s high time your lazy family contributed much more at Christmas time (financially and in the kitchen).

Even if Uncle Sam buys the turkey to mums specifications and cooks it at his, Brenda and John wash and peel however many potatoes at home, auntie Maureen washes peels and chops however many carrots at home, Cousin Carole buys peels washes and chops however many parsnips, uncle Harry makes or buys such and such a dessert, Uncle Joe buys or makes however many Christmas crackers, nieces and nephews lay the table (if old enough) to your mums specifications etc etc etc and you all bring your own booze and soft drinks. Your mums contribution will be cleaning the house ready to host.

Like the majority on here I do think it would be nice to invite your MIL and SIL but imagine when they hear how many people are going and the thought of a six hour journey I honestly wouldn’t blame them for politely declining.

It’s just an idea, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work but I was considering it more as OP saying ‘it’s my turn to host but due to lack of space why don’t we do this…’ so not every year, just when OP wants to take a turn hosting!

@OtterlyMad this is the fun of AIBU - I am on your side and am astounded by some people's thoughts on this - totally unrealistic.

As you say, you alternate so IT IS FAIR already!! Your in-laws are adults - it is up to them to change their Christmas if they want to. It's quite patronising in a way for people to assume they are sad all alone and helpless.

They are six hours away it's not like they can pop in. It would be a massive hassle.

The poll seems to have come out 50:50 so it won't help with your discussion with DH but I for one, get you.

I don’t subscribe to the more the merrier, I think that hosting other people is stressful especially when it’s people you don’t know. I’ve been with DH over 20 years and our parents don’t really know each other and haven’t had a meal together, and they live 5 mins apart, not 6 hours. My mum would go into full host mode, my dad would be worried they were being judged. They’d probably spend more money on food and drink. The children would be shushed. I’d feel constantly on edge between trying to make sure that my mum and dad didn’t feel stressed or that I was taking the piss, and that the in laws were happy and comfortable.

For one year, yes, I could suck it up. But this would end up being every other year and I’d not be happy if one of my siblings signed my family up for this, especially as we also do alternate Christmases with my in laws, so we’d never have a family only Christmas again.

I would not be happy, if one of my Dsis decided to invite her MIL and SIL.
It is one of the few times that we all meet up together.
It isn't really up to OP either, there is another 10 people to consider.
Let him stay at his mother's for Christmas this year.

To add - we have a similar situation in that my MIL and BIL are both single. We wouldn’t do it every year (depending on my brother really). But if it would just be us and my parents we make it one big thing. I find it lovely that they all get on!

Why don’t you and DH have DH’s family over and then see your family a different day?

Or see neither family on Christmas Day, that’s what we do to avoid all the who’s turn is it stuff.

But isn't that unfair on the siblings who might also be seeing their in laws who live elsewhere? This is why the OP and her husband wanting to change things by not alternating makes it more complicated as it's not just about them.
Presumably the siblings see their partners families at some point too, maybe they also alternate?
If the OP goes along with this this year, what then happens next year. As she has pointed out he then gets very Christmas with his family while she misses out.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. It really annoys me that Christmas just starts to become about feeling obligated to please other people. It’s not your fault you have a big family and your partner has a small
one. You are allowed to have a Christmas with your family without the in laws. I wouldn’t like my in laws coming with me to my family and I know my family wouldn’t relax and it would change the dynamic. Please ignore all the “oh but it’s Christmas” it’s your Christmas too and you agreed, to make it fair to alternate each year. If you are fretting and arguing about it in August it sounds really stressful. Everyone had the right to say no to anything without being guilt tripped. Your MIL isn’t alone - she’s with her daughter - if I was spending Xmas with just one of my adult children we would have a fab time.

Late to the thread but as an idea - could you all get an air bnb half way somewhere so everyone gets to come, there’s enough space and your mum isn’t in her own home so she can relax and you can assume hosting responsibilities!

Just another thought on this...how often does DH see his mum?
I love how people worry about people being alone/small family at Christmas time, but what about the rest of the year? Does he worry then about mum on her own with only the sister around?

I think it would be different if MIL was spending the day alone, but she has her daughter, she’s not alone.

I would invite them.
I would also help PIL host by cooking etc.

If you feel like you need to contribute more you could also host a non sit down Boxing Day casual lunch or brunch for your relatives and two inlaws. Soup and mini pizzas or toasties.

Of course it doesn't have to be this way every year but this time I would agree with your DH and accommodate his two family members.

Obviously we all come at this from our own perspectives but as one of those dreaded only children(!) who generally had very small Christmases growing up, and now a daughter-in-law and usually the host of extended family Christmases (so arguably I have some perspective of you, your DH and your mother!) I really do subscribe to the-more-the-merrier at Christmas.

What would make me feel sad is not the very idea of a two person Christmas (had plenty of those with my DH out of choice and they were lovely) but the idea of that being foisted on them with no other options. I would feel wretched at the idea of them not feeling welcome to join the big gathering, even if they ultimately decided to turn it down, if that makes sense?

In your shoes I would probably approach my mum first and have a proper conversation about how she would feel about having two more alongside a conversation, complete with ready-made suggestions, about how we can take the burden off her practically (whether they come or not) because it's really important to you that she gets to enjoy Christmas as much of the rest of you.

Assuming she was on board, I'd then send the offer to the in-laws framed very much as, "please don't feel obliged - we know it's a long way and you might prefer a quiet, relaxing Christmas to a big, rowdy one, but if you'd like to join us you'd be very, very welcome!" or similar.

As for the next year, your in-laws will either love it, in which case maybe spending Christmas all together could become more of a norm, or they'll hate it and will likely turn down the next invitation and you'll be back to where you are but with no feeling they're not welcome or that you're abandoning them.