It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

The more the merrier isn’t always what someone wants at Christmas, I wouldn’t.

I absolutely get this.
Everyone celebrates differents so just limping different families together don't always work. I also find it stressful being the intermediary. My family and in-laws are very different and I also have DIL DM to consider as she'd be on her own. We have tried many different things over the years but the only thing that really working is having 2 celebrations. This was perfect when the kids were little and had no idea when Christmas day actually was, less easy now they are older.
I don't think you are a monster at all but there probably is a way to find a compromise. It gets even trickier once kids are added into the mix!

Definitely not for you then! But the OP has already said hosting at her house would never be an option but seems very keen on hosting and taking pressure off her mum so it would be a good option in that case! Get a big food shop delivered with all the Christmas food, everyone gets allocated something to bring eg. Small decorations, games, Christmas jumpers (whatever your family traditions are!). For me Christmas has at times been about being creative to make it work, and they’ve always ended up being memorable and meaningful Christmases 😊

Gosh I am not angry with the OP, where did you get that impression?

I guess those of us who are lucky enough to have easy going families on both sides who have the ethos of 'the more the merrier' can't see what the big deal is, especially as the OP has not said the MIL and SIL are nightmare guests. I get that it would change the dynamic a bit, but is that such a bad thing to do especially as the OP's DH (who she has not mentioned is a selfish control freak so I'm going to assume he is a nice decent bloke and a good husband) has specifically asked if his family could join in.

OP my mum was the type who wouldn't accept help in the kitchen either, but there are ways to make things easier for her surely so she doesn't spend the day run ragged - it's just a big roast dinner!

I find that odd too. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about joining two families - or is that just the wedding?

But there is no last person standing in this scenario. There’s a mother and daughter spending Christmas together. Why on earth is that sad

Why would OP's children do this to her when she has said that when they move into a bigger house and have children, there will be an open invite for Christmas for both sides of the family? OP is only reluctant to invite her MIL and SIL because it will affect her mum.

I think that OP's DH should go and spend Christmas with his mum and sister and OP should spend Christmas with her family.

How odd. Didn’t they all go to your wedding? Don’t you ever have any big family celebrations?

I'd hate to have Christmas in an AirB&B. Nothing of my own possessions around me, cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen-no way!

I’m interpreting your advice as though op should practically force her mum to invite extra guests. I don’t think that is the answer.

I don't understand the can't relax comment and also would want to make the effort to include them. I would speak to my mum and I would insist on helping to enable it to happen. If they decline then that's on them but what if something happens to one of them what do you do then?

By trying to integrate the families a bit more now isn't a bad thing.

I get it - two different families with different traditions etc. I think keeping them separate and alternating sounds like the fairest until you are able to host. My husband and I used to alternate Christmas and New Year - so we would spend a few days around Christmas with one family and a few days around New Year with the other and switch the next year. We would effectively have 2 Christmas celebrations each year. Could you do this?

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable here?

I can't see what's wrong with the status quo compromise of alternate Xmases apart from the OP's husband feeling bad when he doesn't see his family.

But neither is there anything wrong with wanting to include them in the bigger get-together.

What leaps out to me is that both the OP and her husband are weaponising what other people might feel in an argument that seems more about their own marriage (and not regarding what those other people DO feel).

OP's husband assumes his mum and sister feel sad and left out when they're just by themselves. But if they're quiet types they might be perfectly content having a small Xmas with just the two of them, and they might not want to be thrust into the OP's louder, drunker, more crammed Xmas.

OP assumes her mum wouldn't be able to cope, and that it'd be an unfair imposition on her. That ignores the fact that 1) at a critical mass of people, one or two more will not be the straw that breaks the camel's back; 2) her mum sounds like one of those people who enjoys all the running round and hosting, as several posters have said they are as well; 3) if she truly feels her mum is run ragged then her family can easily override her when she tells them not to do things.

But OP's husband has turned this into a referendum over whether the OP likes his family, and OP is refusing to even put out feelers with her mum to see whether an invite might be acceptable (which is the least she could do). They've turned a situation in which neither were unreasonable and that should have been talked through normally into an argument in which frankly both are being ridiculous.

I think the potential invite is a red herring and there's something bigger going on - almost certainly to do with the OP and her husband's family never quite gelling over the years?

Alternating is perfectly fine IMO. At the end of the day there is a wider family on DH’s side which MIL/SIL could engage in but for whatever reason choose not to. They get to make their own decisions and life choices, you get to do the same. Any idea what happened with Christmas’s when DH was a child. Did both sides if the family all get together or was there any alternation?

I hate all of this around Christmas. We have issues every year as well and it’s all very well and good people saying “just do what you want” but there’s so many other people’s feelings / opinions etc. it’s such a nightmare.

But… Why should your DH get to see his family every Christmas and you have to have your traditions / celebrations changed? Your poor mum doing everything as it is! 2 more people might just push her over the edge.

Maybe his mum and sister like to have a quiet Christmas just the two of them?

If it’s going to be very crowded and noisy, with quite likely nowhere comfortable to sit, maybe they wouldn’t want to come anyway.

Also, one day your children might do this to you. Your DH has told you he feels like you are punishing his family. Also don't let this rot set in.
2 extra people for a couple of hours, a family that could all chip in (regardless of what your mum says)
Shared Christmases are hard. I've been in the exact position as your DH , it doesn't feel nice and didn't bode well for my marriage either

I'm not at all, thanks for your empathy though. I'm glad 'not everybody is like me'. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and hope you never find yourself in the same position if your entire family pass away.

Op there will come a time when you or DH will wish for nothing more than to see these people. Time is not infinite, this will all seem so silly when you look back

"You are entirely missing the point of Christmas….. the more the merrier!"

well that may be your view but its not mine

" I could cry if I give it too much thought."

FFS get over yourself

I can see both POV and this serves as a reminder of the perils of Christmas.
Your husband will not be content on Christmas day if his mum and sister aren't there.
Could you help your mum with the workload and your MIL and sil book into a hotel / guest House to sleep in?

Could all of you club together and hire a large air bnb or similar for over Christmas that would have space for everyone including the inlaws and take the burden off your Mum from hosting.

Until I started hosting, my in-laws / my sisters in-laws always invited my mum. They didn’t like the idea of her missing out. Sometimes she accepted, sometimes she didn’t. When she didn’t we made the effort to go and see her in the build up to Christmas. Where would the in-laws sleep if they did come?

As the main host now, I can imagine that it must be hard when your Christmas suddenly becomes very small when others do their own thing, even though that’s what you want them to do - be independent and enjoy life.

it may be difficult for you and for that I am sorry but please don't run away with the belief that everybody is like you.

1. its not an invitation for you to offer, let alone your DH
2. Do they live a lonely unhappy life generally? or is that DH's perception?