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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

610 replies

OtterlyMad · 06/08/2025 21:24

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

OP posts:
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godmum56 · 12/08/2025 18:07

Fernhurst · 12/08/2025 17:58

Here it is 😂

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yes but its not in reactions any more 😪

Fernhurst · 12/08/2025 17:58

godmum56 · 12/08/2025 16:43

I soooo need the laugh emoji....have this instead

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Here it is 😂

godmum56 · 12/08/2025 16:43

WorcsEdu · 07/08/2025 15:15

😂Somehow who replies this way is the LAST person I’d be looking to for how to have a loving and magical Christmas!! Gosh please, even if you retort with another insult, have a private think about how kindness and coming together is at the heart of this. Being kind to one another genuinely makes you happier.

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I soooo need the laugh emoji....have this instead

MissHollysDolly · 09/08/2025 16:45

OP, you’re in the right IMO. Especially as you’re not hosting. Once you do - invite who you want. But if your in laws come, won’t your brothers and sisters want to bring theirs?

HopingForTheBest25 · 09/08/2025 16:25

I'm not seeing the immaturity tbh. There's nothing immature in considering it inappropriate to issue invitations to someone else's house. Or to want an agreement that the dh made to be adhered to.

I can't be doing with all this bollocks about how one day there won't be any mothers, only dh and the OP. My mum was about 70 when her mil died - it's a crap argument - any of us could die at any time. OP could be a widow before her own mil dies!

BadActingParsley · 09/08/2025 09:46

RosesAndHellebores · 06/08/2025 21:53

It isn't even Stevens like that in a marriage. You have yours close by all the time, he doesn't.

You and your family have loads of each other. Your MIL and SIL have just themselves.

I think you should be gracious and invite them. For all you know, they may find it overwhelming and decline the invitation next time.

To be honest, if ever it were to be just me and dd, we'd have a marvellous time and feast on smoked salmon, champagne and films.

I can see both sides op, but we have been there and done that and have grown up children. There are rods for backs of course but one day there won't be mothers at Christmas, it will just be you and your DH.

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This is good sound advice. You do sound quite immature.

Flatandhappy · 09/08/2025 08:25

I’m sure your mum is aware of the situation so she could have said “why don’t you invite them here if you want to” before now. She hasn’t so I don’t think it’s fair to ask her because she probably won’t want to say no. I am very “come all ye” but that’s easy when Christmas is in Summer and I have a big house and garden. I had to take turns for years when DH’s family and mine lived in different countries - I hated “their turn” but had to suck it up.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/08/2025 07:59

Superhansrantowindsor · 09/08/2025 07:54

We frequently travel 6plus hours to see family on Boxing Day. You should try to see both.
I think you should invite them. Tell them it will be chaos and let them decide.

The OP isn't hosting. It's not her house.

Do you really think she should be inviting them to someone else's house (that they barely know) for someone else to host, when there isn't room, and when they spend every other Christmas together?

Why?

Superhansrantowindsor · 09/08/2025 07:54

We frequently travel 6plus hours to see family on Boxing Day. You should try to see both.
I think you should invite them. Tell them it will be chaos and let them decide.

MarchHairs · 09/08/2025 07:50

If I was ohs mum I would really value my nice quiet Xmas with my daughter. I would also value my xmases with my son and dil every other year. I would not expect or want an invitation to a family I know not very well, where I have to fall in line to their family traditions and tolerate their family dynamics.

If I was ops mum there is no way I would want two extra people there,12 is already too many. I would feel put out by being asked.

Op keep things as they are, perhaps invite dh mum and sister over on boxing day this year and have a nice celebration with them then

autienotnaughty · 09/08/2025 07:45

You already have new year plans????

Lovethesparklylights · 09/08/2025 01:00

I think it's weird and fucking rude to expect her mum to invite 2 non family members and completely change the dynamics of the day. If her mum wanted them there, she'd have invited them already. She hasn't but probably has slight people pleasing tenancy and wouldn't say no if directly asked.

My family have met my MIL maybe twice in the 2 decades we've been married. They've met my SIL a few more times than this. They definitely do not consider my in laws as their extended family.
They are very different and have nothing in common. It isn't odd to consider them strangers. In my case, they are. Same with the OP clearly.

saraclara · 08/08/2025 23:43

Nikki75 · 08/08/2025 22:56

It's much better to ask them along than just leave them out your husband wont enjoy Christmas if that's the case that will be another issue.
Be kind if it's not for them they will decline in the future at least then you know you didnt leave them out .

Edited

I thought I wouldn't need to say this any more, but one finally time:

OP is NOT THE HOST! It is not for her to invite two people to SOMEONE ELSE'S Christmas event, especially when the host barely knows the extras and the other guests don't know them at all.

CarpetKnees · 08/08/2025 23:41

Nikki75 · 08/08/2025 22:56

It's much better to ask them along than just leave them out your husband wont enjoy Christmas if that's the case that will be another issue.
Be kind if it's not for them they will decline in the future at least then you know you didnt leave them out .

Edited

How do you work out that

making the OP uncomfortable
making her Mum (the host) uncomfortable
making the other 10 people in the extended family uncomfortable
and
more than likely making the OP's MiL and SiL uncomfortable is "being kind" ? Confused

Nikki75 · 08/08/2025 22:56

It's much better to ask them along than just leave them out your husband wont enjoy Christmas if that's the case that will be another issue.
Be kind if it's not for them they will decline in the future at least then you know you didnt leave them out .

Rainbowqueeen · 08/08/2025 22:14

Pleased to see your update OP. Hope you have a wonderful Xmas and NY.

Hangingonthere · 08/08/2025 19:04

@phoenixrosehere
I didn't see that she wouldn't accept help - sorry. That is a completely different ball game, My DH and I are 74 and no way could we manage (or even try to) without help. Maybe she needs to have a conversation with her Mum at some time about sharing the load regardless if the OPs come or not.

Maninpeace · 08/08/2025 18:30

T1Dmama · 08/08/2025 10:39

@Maninpeace It’d be a nice thing to do.

Nice thing to do for who? Her husband? Hee MIL & SIL?? …. What about what’s ‘nice’ for @OtterlyMad , what about what’s ‘nice’ for op’s Mother ? And all her siblings etc….
It’s so sexist to think OP should be bending over backward to ‘be nice’ at the expense of her own happiness!
We are forever being told on mumsnet to ‘grow a pair’ or ‘grow a spine’…. Or that ‘NO is a full sentence’…. Or that we shouldn’t be such people pleasers and we as women shouldn’t be constantly putting our own wants and needs after our partners!

It’s sad that people spend Christmas ‘alone’ but Christ surely Op’s in-laws have friends they could invite round on Christmas for drinks or something!

I mean let a man make arrangements for his mother and sister without relying on his wife or wife’s family to accommodate everyone else at their inconvenience.

if this were the other way round and a man was saying his wife and him had spent last Christmas at her families and now she’s kicking off because she wanted to bring her family along to his family Christmas, the majority would be telling him that he’s being controlled and manipulated and tag it’s unfair for her to not spend his family Christmas with just his family etc

Wow, you’re lovely. I apologise for having an opinion, how sexist of me to suggest that having both sides of the family there would be a nice thing to do. I’m sure the OP would have told me if I’d offered them, however, as they’d engaged with me earlier on I’m hopeful that I haven’t.

At no point have I suggested that OP should be ending over backwards. I asked a few questions, as have others, and suggested it’d be a nice thing to do. That’s all.

it’s a forum, it relies on opinions. It doesn’t make me sexist. In fact, I think it’s you that’s sexist because you’ve jumped straight to that conclusion.

PestoHoliday · 08/08/2025 15:30

Santina · 08/08/2025 14:42

Do you talk down to everyone or do you just do it behind a keyboard.

Most people I know like to have left over food so they can have bubble and steak.

By the way I can count too, but I wouldn't dream of talking to people the way you do.

The number of women on this forum that are disrespectful of others is beyond belief, you ask for help and people are quick to point the finger, tell someone their husband/partner is a waste of space, get a divorce, all on a snippet of their life. Putting people down because they have a different opinion, suggesting people are lying about their income. I am seriously considering leaving this forum, although I suppose someone will now have a snarky comment about that too.

Treat people how you would like to be treated or how you would like people to treat your children, have some respect.

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You willfully misunderstand everything the OP has said. You make up a narrative that "everyone" has too much food anyway so it's no problem inviting strangers into her family . You gloss over the fact there isn't really space for two extra people in an already crowded house. You confidently assert it's not really any trouble...

And I am the patronising one.
Got it.

BeautifulSongsofLove · 08/08/2025 15:05

Well done OP

Helen483 · 08/08/2025 14:58

Treat people how you would like to be treated or how you would like people to treat your children, have some respect.

@Santina I think you should take your own advice. It's been explained over and over why it is not that easy to accommodate 2 extra people - there aren't enough seats, it changes the dynamic with the family (what if others decide to bring random in-laws with them?), and it's still extra work and extra food and drink.

Then when someone is kind enough to explain it to you in more detail you accuse them of being patronising (gasp!).

Original poster
OtterlyMad · 08/08/2025 14:44

HopingForTheBest25 · 08/08/2025 14:06

Well done - glad you didn't let him push you all into an arrangement that only suits him!
Ars you okay with your NY plans being changed? I do wonder whether your h would have been so willing to give up seeing friends if this had been last year and you wanted to see your family at NY, having spent Christmas with his mum. Or would he have whinged about this?
I hope it's a resolution you can live with happily but I'd keep an eye on other situations where he might expect you to bend to his preferences at the expense of your own.

I honestly couldn’t care less about NYE so it’s fine by me! If it had been my friends we’d arranged to see perhaps I wouldn’t have agreed so readily because I hate messing people about but since they’re his mates it was up to him. And in fairness New Year is months away so plenty of time for them to make alternative arrangements.

OP posts:
Santina · 08/08/2025 14:42

PestoHoliday · 08/08/2025 14:20

No, I don't. I don't have leftovers because we are capable of cooking for the number of people we're feeding. Why would we cook more than people will eat?

My niece and her husband turned up 2 hours after Christmas dinner last year after they were supposedly eating with his mother. No, I didn't have a Christmas dinner going spare for them. Because I can count.

In addition, there is not really space for 12 to sit and eat, according to the OP's first post. Whom are you demoting to to floor to accommodate the extra two people?

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Do you talk down to everyone or do you just do it behind a keyboard.

Most people I know like to have left over food so they can have bubble and steak.

By the way I can count too, but I wouldn't dream of talking to people the way you do.

The number of women on this forum that are disrespectful of others is beyond belief, you ask for help and people are quick to point the finger, tell someone their husband/partner is a waste of space, get a divorce, all on a snippet of their life. Putting people down because they have a different opinion, suggesting people are lying about their income. I am seriously considering leaving this forum, although I suppose someone will now have a snarky comment about that too.

Treat people how you would like to be treated or how you would like people to treat your children, have some respect.

gamerchick · 08/08/2025 14:25

Excellent news OP.

PestoHoliday · 08/08/2025 14:20

Santina · 08/08/2025 11:32

It's not really putting on anyone is it, don't we all over cook at Christmas so we have food for a week, whether we intend to or not. Two extra people is not an inconvenience when you have a large crowd to start with.

No, I don't. I don't have leftovers because we are capable of cooking for the number of people we're feeding. Why would we cook more than people will eat?

My niece and her husband turned up 2 hours after Christmas dinner last year after they were supposedly eating with his mother. No, I didn't have a Christmas dinner going spare for them. Because I can count.

In addition, there is not really space for 12 to sit and eat, according to the OP's first post. Whom are you demoting to to floor to accommodate the extra two people?

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