do people think this is normal behaviour

Reaper, you say you expected them to be there for you to watch a movie or just keep you company, but did you even communicate that expectation to them?

If not, how were they supposed to know that that’s what you wanted? People are not mind readers.

In answer to your original question, yes I do think that is normal. I think evidenced by the majority of replies here most people don’t delete their messages.

I agree. The sad truth is someone experiencing their own mental illness is not best placed to help and be a rock for someone else who's mental health is in a bad place. Then what occurs is joint rumination over the problems they're experiencing and it can very easily turn into "the world and other people are shit and they don't get us" its human behaviour when birds of s feather flock together. It feels comfortable to relax into that mindset but ultimately it's detrimental. The uncomfortable option is usually the right one when it comes to mental health recovery (once again speaking from experience) I have to be like my own army officer!

I remember once in my more naive days, in one of these groups, I had several needy blokes think we could become star crossed lovers bonding over our struggles as we understood each other. The thought absolutely horrified me. I couldn't deal with my own mess of a head, let alone take on someone else's. In the end I married someone who has rock solid mental health/high self esteem. Sure, it has its disadvantages, you're never going to get that understanding . But I need the kick up the arse to stay level deep down. The worst thing for me would have been to be partnered up with someone who shared the same bloody struggles.

Honestly if this is what youre like, are you surprised they dont want to spend time with you? Christ on a bike...

You keep referring to ‘being there’ for people - how you were there for your friends, whereas they are not being there for you.

What do you actually mean? What is going on in your life - apart from your deep-rooted anxiety - that results in your need for others to…… do what exactly?

By the way, I agree with others’ suggestions that you would benefit from individual rather than group therapy.

yes, lesson learned

Kindly, but if send a letter to someone, or send an online message, it's there and can be shared.
Even snapchat and the like can be screen-shot and kept. I am not sure why people would bother, but nothing is that private.

I don't think anyone ever bothers to delete a chat.

Reminds me of people thinking a facebook group is a safe group -when there are 10 000 members!, or that MN is a safe bubble.

I never delete anything

Same, I can search and see messages going back years. I certainly wouldn't be deleting messages as I go along.

I agree. I think 'controlling' is the right word. That's why I suggested the chimp paradox book :it shows you why you behave/think the way you do and how it's often based on the emotive thinking part of your brain and not the logical one and how to change it. Once you're aware of your own psychological processes and how to counteract them life is so much easier. But the op didn't want to know.

I think the vast majority of people keep chats. Like pretty much 100%

That's a very snippy response to a well thought out post. I was attempting to help , but feel you're in a defensive mindset on this thread so I won't say anymore.

Tbh you're being controlling asking to delete chats, kicking off they aren't spending time with you. Ask people nicely to hang out or spend time together, never write anything you wouldn't want screen shotted to be used against you.

Write in your notes to offload, then You can delete as you like! Everyone is dealing with their own problems, sorry you're having a hard time but I never delete chats!! I also never re read them.

I’ve never deleted a conversation unless I’ve broken up with someone or I’m not friends with them anymore. Sometimes I do need to refer back to them e.g partner’s name, birthday or what date something happened.
As another poster said I think you would do much better with private 1 on 1 therapy as you can say whatever you want with confidentiality and the person’s sole job is to support and help you. They might fit more of the boundaries that you expect. If you google “low cost therapy” and your main problem then you’ll find lots of options, especially if you’re willing to do it online. I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but sometimes when you bond with people over MH they don’t always have the bandwidth to be very present in a friendship

Ps this is a controversial opinion : but I'm not a fan of "groups" for things like anxiety/depression. (Although even physical health problem groups can get like this too ) As I think it encourages "unwell" people to group together and wallow in their unhealthy mindsets collectively not really being beneficial for the original issue.

I'm saying that as someone who has had a lifelong battle with my own mental health.

I've found mixing with people with solid mental health and good outlooks/"sorted" lives more beneficial as it gives you positivity and ideas on what they're doing that perhaps I'm not doing. "Sick" people can't really help other "sick" people when it comes to mental health. I never find the "group" thing a positive thing in this sense. You need to get out of your mindset not more into it. It's kind of self "tough love ". I'm aware that may be unpopular but I am speaking from experience there.

I’d never be bothered to delete a chat, I just let them run!

That’s not what your op is about though? You asked if you were being unreasonable to expect people to delete conversations from SM and people replied unanimously, yes. You didn’t ask about whether your friends should support you because you apparently supported them.

I hate to say it : but it's a manifestation of your anxiety.

I'm not unsympathetic as I myself have suffered and can get paranoid about things. (Mine usually manifests differently though )

My friends anxiety manifests similar to yours to the point it can be a little frustrating. She'll keep her conversations with me quite superficial at times and then will drop her guard and tell me something (which will be completely banal like her husband once got drunk and was sick ) and then try to backtrack and say "can you not mention to anyone that I told you Paul was sick 10yrs ago after consuming alcohol " and then go into 'shutdown' mode and stick to small talk. Even though I'd long forgotten about 'paul' and the painfully boring non-event, less so repeat it 🙄. It kind of closes off the intimacy of the friendship and it's insulting that I'm assumed to be potentially untrustworthy. If she told me she's buried Paul under the compost heap I could understand the paranoia.

Anyway, you may or may not take something from that story.

Also, read 'the chimp paradox ' that books a game changer for anxiety) paranoia etc.

Firstly, I never put anything in digital format that I wouldnt want to be shared with the worldz unless it is someone I trust with my life, like my mum or best friend. Even then I wouldnt put anything in digital format that was particuarly sensitive.
Second, I never delete anything and don't think many people ever do.
Therefore, step 1 is really important.
If you don't want it shared, don't write it online in any form.

MN is incredibly cruel and unkind when you're feeling vulnerable and put yourself out there.

I delete all my stuff online btw! I don't have enough storage space, I don't like clutter either. That's the only reason though.

A friend once pulled up a conversation from about 5 years ago on her WhatsApp. It was regards me. I felt a little weird about it tbh.

So no there's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about logged chats. People don't by habit delete them though. The general rule is to not put anything in writing and then you won't worry.

Try forget it and move on. The likelihood is it's old fish paper mentally in the friends' mind. It's a good idea not to mention it again to her. If anyone deliberately shared that, I would say it's only a very poor reflection on them and not you at all.

MN posters will just wind you up on this thread. I'd try step away from it.

@ReapersSideKick I believe you. The NHS is diabolical.

Private counsellors can offer discounts for people on low income. It's no criticism at all in my eyes to suggest therapy. I love it. I love how much I have helped myself through it. But I accept I had to find it and pay because the NHS offering would probably drive me to insanity.

If you have anxiety and MH struggles with a difficult past, you can over share information with people. You just want someone to listen to you and you want to feel heard. It's completely understandable. Yet people can't be totally trusted. And you feel anxious worrying they'll tell people even if they are decent. That's my reason for suggesting therapy. Then you have somewhere for the very private stuff to be safely heard and you'll get the support you are seeking ❤️