Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

It’s not a coincidence that when nappies were harder work than potty training due to lack of washing machines and good drying facilities then it was lazier do potty training as early as practical so that’s what people did. Now it’s easier to buy disposables than bother potty training so it’s lazy to delay.

In the past, some people also shamed young children who had accidents or put soiled sheets over their heads as a punishment. Carers were often grumpy and cross when children had accidents and would call them 'naughty' or 'dirty'. Personally, I think it's a good thing to have disposables and other resources which reduce parenting stress - stressed parents often take their stress out on their children. Reducing parental stress reduces neglect and abuse of children.

The problem in these discussions is the complete inability of some people to see beyond their own circumstances and imagine that other people might be in different situations with different children.

Example - I think people who drive their children to school are lazy and there's no excuse for not walking or, if you have to, getting public transport. There's no excuse for lazy parents clogging up the streets with cars on the school-run.

My situation - I live in an urban area with safe pedestrian routes and excellent public transport where catchment areas are tiny and most people live under a mile from their child's school.

So you can see why I might think that parents who drive their kids to school are lazy.

But when I say this to people, they may respond with:

• We live rurally along country lanes and there's no pavement.
• I have to drop my child at school and drive to work for 9am so there's no time to walk there and come back for the car.
• My child's school is 5 miles from our house.
• My child has hypermobility which causes intermittent join pain and so sometimes can't manage the 15 minute walk to school.

I might stick to my original opinion and insist that most parents driving their kids to school are still lazy. But given my point of view is neither informed nor reasonable, but rather narrow-minded and intolerant, why would anyone care what I think? Some opinions aren't worth caring about.

I think the most that can sensibly be said about this topic is that, barring any additional needs or other issues which make potty-training trickier, ideally most children would be trained between 2-4 at a time that works for them so that they don't start school in nappies. And that where this isn't possible, some families may be in need of further support/guidance, but ultimately there may be some children for whom this was never going to be achievable for various reasons and they and their parents should be treated compassionately and non-judgmentally.

It amazes me that most parents are itching for their child to reach all the age milestones, like teeth coming in, crawling, walking, sleeping through etc and yet when it comes to getting them out of nappies it’s almost a race to the bottom - ‘my dc were still in nappies until they were 5 but then it took half a day for toilet training’. That’s not the argument you think it is.
The vast majority of children are ready to toilet train around 24 months. Some earlier, some later. Having a go at this age is a good measure of how ready they are. If after a few days it’s a complete failure then wait another few months and try again. No big deal. I’ve met many a parent who believes their child will just toilet train themselves though 😂

You’ve literally put in your OP that some parents “can’t be bothered”. That’s why people think it’s lazy - the same reason that you think it’s lazy.

It’s not a coincidence that when nappies were harder work than potty training due to lack of washing machines and good drying facilities then it was lazier do potty training as early as practical so that’s what people did. Now it’s easier to buy disposables than bother potty training so it’s lazy to delay.

Kids aren’t so different now than they were 100 years ago. There isn’t a physiological reason why huge swathes of 3/4/5 year olds are “not ready”. People delay it because it’s easier for them to.

When mine were little (now over 40), they went to playgroup but couldn't go auntil they used the toilet! Potty was always in the toilet. DD decided to use a potty on Boxing Day before 2 years old in front of a room full of people. Got lots of claps and praise. She was dry and clean for that day only until she decided to use the potty just after her 2nd birthday. Dry and clean from that day on. Son would only use potty when my friend came round. Her daughter was dry and used the potty all the time! He was about 30 months old before he was clean and dry.

Respectfully, that's because it's a topic that I don't feel requires much discussion. I've just explained why people think that parents who train late are lazy. There don't need to be any 'reasons'. People can - and will - just think it.
If you genuinely don't care what strangers on the internet think, I'm not really sure why you asked the question. If you're confident in your parenting choices, doesn't matter what other people think.

I understand all of this. I was merely answering OP's original question about why people assume that parents who train late are lazy.

I started training both dds at just after 2 - having read that they weren’t physiologically ready until then.
It took just a week both times. But I had been berated by a (non Brit neighbour) for not starting at 12 months!

If there were no SN, people did in the past train earlier - often a lot earlier - since washing and drying nappies - very often with no automatic washing machine and certainly no tumble drier - was an awful lot more trouble than picking up disposable nappies at the supermarket.

Thank you. I was starting to think I was completely clueless! I'm currently expecting number 2 and I'm actually looking forward to potty training in a couple of years - it will be so nice not to deal with nappies anymore at some point. By then we'll have hopefully figured out a way for my daughter to be "socially continent" at least.

I hate people saying 'you should be toilet training your child as early as possible' because I tied myself up in knots trying to get DS potty trained - the huge lengths i went to and the effort I put into it were frankly ridiculous. All thanks to pressure from nasty, judgemental people like you. I thought I was a failure.

DS was much later diagnosed with ASD and I really wish i hadn't listened to ignorant people like you.

Always happy to have my opinions challenged. However, you asked the question: 'Why do people assume that those who potty train late are lazy parents?' I simply answered the question.
You do you. I personally would not have a child in nappies at that age.

That's nasty is empathy not in your skill set? People may have to work full time, they may have caring duties, be responsible for other children who need school.......as long as a child is trained before full time school at 4 there is no evidence to suggest any damage to the child....most trained between 30 and 36/40 months are considered normal not late. They have in my experience fewer regression problems and less constipation and typically seem to need less toilet trips because they haven't been taught to empty their bladder every half an hour.

I honestly can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t get their child out of nappies as early as possible. Cleaner, cheaper, better for the environment..what’s the bonus in doing it later??

No most 2 year olds don't wipe after a pooh but they can after a wee....and can try after a pooh.

Two year olds definitely need their bums to be wiped for them after a poo. There is a phase after potty training where they go to the toilet by themselves, but you’re still wiping them after a poo. Then once they’ve got the motor skills and reach, they can manage to do it themselves.

You asked for opinions, that's mine. Except, it doesn't seem that it's opinions you want; you just want people to reassure you you're not lazy.
I wouldn't say you're lazy, necessarily, but I would maybe say, with your busy lifestyle, you've somewhat got your priorities wrong.
Making sure your child is toilet trained as early as possible should be top of that list.

I think lots of early trainers do think their way is the best way and others are just wrong.... obviously not all....that can come across as superiority and nasty.

That’s absolutely fine. Having a medical issue or additional needs can’t be helped and I would have never ever had an issue with that. The main part of teaching is wanting to help children!

I think a lot of parents just think that they can get away with it or that they’ll just magically learn in their own time. It’s always super obvious when no attempt has been made to teach them because the children aren’t remotely embarrassed and will happily sit in it until someone notices. The ones who have been taught get upset that they’ve had an accident.

This isn’t a goady question but when you say you weren’t ready what do you mean?

My daughter is 3.5 and at in nappies due to a disability. She's actually completely dry thanks to medication that stops her from weeing and we actually do her catheters on the toilet now, but she has to have a nappy for poohs since it's currently not clear whether she can a) tell when she needs to go before it's actually happening (she sometimes tells us she felt it coming out but most times when she tells us she needs a nappy change she says she didn't feel anytime, just smelled it) and b) can control it. That just for background.

Now my question: Every time I see a thread about toilet training there are people talking about their 2 and 2.5 year olds being fully trained. Even on this thread someone has said they waited until 2 instead of doing at 18 months because then they didn't have to get involved at all - the child could sort out their clothes and wipe independently. Is it really normal and expected for a 2 year old to be able to clean themselves properly? I only have vague memories of my brother being potty trained back in the 90s, probably aged somewhere between 2.5 and 3, and he definitely needed help wiping his bum for a while - I definitely remember a period of him shouting "I've done a pooh" from the bathroom and my mum going to help him get properly cleaned up. I just assumed that was normal. I would expect them to be able to do it by school age, but at 2?

My DTs were ‘trained’ by age 2. No upset involved. That was quite normal among their peers at the time. They started playgroup at 2 3/4 and there were no children in nappies.

Both my girls were just over 3. I tried earlier but they were not ready, when they were ready they were dry in under a week. No stress on anyone's part. I wasn't lazy my health visitor actually told me to wait till they were ready. I just keeped trying every few months, and if they didn't get it in a few days to wait and try again.