Page 3 | Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

gobshite23 · 2025-08-06T19:10:58+00:00

I’m not talking about those who genuinely can’t be bothered and send their kids to school in nappies so the teachers can do it. That’s obviously wrong. But both of my kids were over 3 when they were trained. Had a few attempts before that but with both kids its was clear they weren’t ready and got upset so I left it. I posted here for advice and was told I was lazy and cruel for leaving it so late. For context my dd was three in May so not especially late imo. But she did get it within a couple of days and 2 weeks on we have had no accidents at all. To me it actually makes more sense to wait until they are a bit older and understand what they need to do and why. It made it a lot easier for all of us.

jannier · 07/08/2025 21:04

MyDogHumpsThings · 07/08/2025 19:16

Babies used to be toiled trained much, much earlier. They are generally capable.

eric.org.uk/why-are-children-potty-training-later/

Yep 100 years ago mums tended to be at home, washday Monday took all day, kids were left to get on with it while housework took the day, two year olds were in prams and outdoors for sleeps two hours a day all weathers, toys were few, school if you went started at an older age and ended earlier.....life was different. My aunt an nneb nanny in the 60s fed babies sat on the potty and then it was straight to bed no cuddling or going to them if they were naughty enough to cry. Kids who didn't get the potty were often humiliated as well ....a lot of those kids took laxatives as adults as a daily dose of syrup of figs, caster oil and later Epsom salts was normal to keep things flowing. Not all things were great in the good old days.

Notellinganyone · 07/08/2025 20:52

TheAmusedQuail · 06/08/2025 23:07

Because late potty training is a fad. 40 years ago it wasn't unusual to start working on it at 1 1/2. Now there are plenty of 3 1/2 year olds still wearing nappies.

It's all linked to the gentle parenting thing. Not that I'm saying late potty training parents are all gentle parents. But it's very much the childs agenda, rather than a societal agenda.

Most children would eat sweets rather than food, but we don't let them. A lot of children would wear nappies until they were 4 or 5 if we let them. It has to be a balance. And at times is IS lazy / weak to leave potty training because it's hard. It's hard keeping them off screens. It's hard enforcing a healthy diet. It's hard teaching them to read. Ride a bike. Swim. But we do it.

The things in your list aren’t equivalent. It makes no difference whether a child is dry at two or three to their development. All the other things can have long term consequences. I was laissez faire with pottery training because I didn’t see it as a big deal but I taught all
mi e to read before school. It’s not about effort and attention- it’s about priorities. At the age of 8 you won’t know when a child was potty trained but you can tell if children were talked to and read to.

Penjin · 07/08/2025 20:30

gobshite23 · 06/08/2025 20:22

But where is the benefit in doing it early? It can be distressing for the child and takes longer.

What even constitutes as ‘late’?

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Actually not true - ERIC say the earlier the better now - for most children- unless a medical need which is a small minority. Lots of great advice here https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

Baby reading a book whilst sitting on a potty

Potty training: how to start & best age to potty train - ERIC

We've broken down potty training into 3 easy steps: preparation, practice and perfecting those skills! Use our step by step guide to help your toddler become toilet trained.

https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

nadine90 · 07/08/2025 20:27

I don’t think waiting until 3 is lazy. I started with my eldest at 2 and it took a year. We had an amazing childminder when it was my youngest’s turn and tried to start at 2, she quickly said “he’s not ready, wait until he shows you he’s ready”. And he sure did. I put no pressure on him to learn, just made the potty available and showed him how to use it, read the odd book etc. He woke me up on his 3rd birthday saying “I’m a big boy now, I don’t need a nappy”, and literally never wore one again, next to no accidents. It was so much easier and less stressful for him to just wait.

Longestgiraffe · 07/08/2025 20:21

MyDogHumpsThings · 07/08/2025 19:16

Babies used to be toiled trained much, much earlier. They are generally capable.

eric.org.uk/why-are-children-potty-training-later/

Babies used to be on solid foods much, much earlier too - guidance was from a few weeks even. But we don't do that currently, times move on.

What was your point?

suburburban · 07/08/2025 20:16

SugarMarshmallow · 07/08/2025 19:39

I’d say if a parent can’t be bothered to teach their child to use the toilet and just expects teachers to do it in school then they are lazy.

If you know your child best and know they aren’t ready at 1 or 2 years old so wait until they are 3 then you are smart and know your child more than anyone.

My son is coming up to 2.5 and we are encouraging him but he isn’t quite there yet, I have been told by HV that it is common for boys to be 3 and onwards before they take an interest

Yes it’s not fair on teaching staff or TAs unless there are SN

SugarMarshmallow · 07/08/2025 19:39

I’d say if a parent can’t be bothered to teach their child to use the toilet and just expects teachers to do it in school then they are lazy.

If you know your child best and know they aren’t ready at 1 or 2 years old so wait until they are 3 then you are smart and know your child more than anyone.

My son is coming up to 2.5 and we are encouraging him but he isn’t quite there yet, I have been told by HV that it is common for boys to be 3 and onwards before they take an interest

Eviebeans · 07/08/2025 19:25

Bluebluetuesday · 06/08/2025 20:37

I did both of mine when they were ready, took 2 days. They were around their third birthdays.
I was absolutely bemused by friends chasing their toddlers around with potties for months on end, spending hours scrubbing rugs and carpets after daily accidents, just to meet some self imposed milestone "early".

People who do this are not potty training the child but training themselves to catch wee. It’s completely pointless although can be entertaining to watch

ScrambledEggs12 · 07/08/2025 19:21

gobshite23 · 06/08/2025 20:27

Absolutely it must be done before school, in the absence of any additional issues. And I would never judge anyone for when and how they choose to potty train. As pp says, it’s down to the individual child.

But the ‘lazy’ argument isn’t always correct or helpful. People were really mean to me on here basically accusing me of being a shit parent because id let my dc get to 3 without being trained.

I agree with you completely. Mine had both just turned 3. After the first couple of days they were done and they never had an accidents after that. Admittedly my eldest I did put in pull ups when out and about (due to having a baby and being worried about getting to the toilet in time). I also put both in pull ups for long car journeys. Neither of them ever went in the pull ups.

Maybe I am lazy, but I couldn't be arsed with all of this running round the garden half naked stuff.....

MyDogHumpsThings · 07/08/2025 19:16

Babies used to be toiled trained much, much earlier. They are generally capable.

eric.org.uk/why-are-children-potty-training-later/

SweetHydrangea · 07/08/2025 19:12

velvetstars · 06/08/2025 22:28

I agree OP.

Waited until my DC were ready, and they were both dry in 24hrs at 3yrs. No tears or upset. I prepared ahead of time with a mini toilet on offer permanently in our bathroom, reading books with them and checked every so often to see if they were ready. It certainly wasn't a lazy approach, however it was definitely easier and there were no accidents.

I do think it's odd how little dignity people often afford young children, somehow it's seen as normal for a parent to put a half naked child on a portable potty in public because the child simply can't wait to get to a private place or a toilet. Not the child's fault at all but utterly grim. I judge that far more than a child being in nappies until they are ready.

I feel the same. I don’t understand why you would purposely force a child out of nappies for them to then end up wetting themselves or pooing themselves several times a day just because they are 2 years old. Then they get upset and frustrated because they are wet. If it takes weeks or months to potty train a child, they aren’t ready. My friend is currently doing it with her 2 year old and the kid is literally crapping and weeing everywhere - I’m talking under the table, in the garden like a dog, pissing on the sofa. What is the point, her child is clearly too young to understand the concept of what she is trying to achieve but she’s doing it because it summer as she doesn’t want to be bothered in the winter. I know there are other 2 year olds who get it very quickly but every child is different.

I posted earlier but my son was between 3 and 3 1/2 when he was potty trained. He was wearing pull ups before that and was dry both day and night for about 6 months before. We tried to potty train earlier and as soon as we put proper underwear on he wet himself and got really upset by it despite being consistently dry in pull ups. I also did everything you do so I certainly wasn’t taking a lazy approach either.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2025 18:07

legoplaybook · 07/08/2025 17:40

Children can communicate before they can speak. You knew if they were hungry or tired before they could speak too.

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My son was 18 months and soon picked up the words ''wee'' and ''poo'' too.

jannier · 07/08/2025 18:05

It's really strange, in all other areas of development it is widely acceptable that children develop at their own pace but in a broadly consistent pattern and we have quiet wide rages of what is normal development yet talk potty training and for many that goes out the window. This whole bomb blew up when schools found 5 year olds with no developmental issues starting school which has been misinterpreted as children must be trained before 3. The EYFS ages and stages developmental charts before all ages were removed was that most children achieve potty training between 18 and 40 months.
You wouldn't say a parent is lazy or bad because their child didn't walk at the lower age guidelines potty training is no different.
We imo should also consider if your putting a 9 month old on a potty every 20 minutes what are you stopping them from doing developmentally?

Btowngirl · 07/08/2025 17:56

PansyPotter84 · 07/08/2025 17:54

1954 advice

It does also say to strap them to the potty..

PansyPotter84 · 07/08/2025 17:54

1954 advice

Why do people assume that those who potty train late are ‘lazy’ parents?

legoplaybook · 07/08/2025 17:40

RubySquid · 07/08/2025 16:34

See maybe that's part of it All mine were trained around their 3 Rd birthdays. BUT none of them could say more than half a dozen words at 2.5 so hardly chatty. Not sure how they'd be able to tell me that needed the toilet at just turned 2 before they could speak???

And tbh I never used a potty. Straight into the toilet for tgem

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Children can communicate before they can speak. You knew if they were hungry or tired before they could speak too.

RubySquid · 07/08/2025 16:34

casualcrispenjoyer · 06/08/2025 22:43

@legoplaybook Agreed. And a myth perpetrated on this thread by anecdotes of piss all over the carpets should you dare do it before 2.5.

I am snoozing with my chatty, bright, independent toddler who was toilet trained with zero dramas just before 2. We always had the potty in the bathroom. It wasn’t scary or a big deal. Can’t imagine denying her the dignity of using the toilet for a whole year in case I got a few wet pairs of leggings along the way.

Edited

See maybe that's part of it All mine were trained around their 3 Rd birthdays. BUT none of them could say more than half a dozen words at 2.5 so hardly chatty. Not sure how they'd be able to tell me that needed the toilet at just turned 2 before they could speak???

And tbh I never used a potty. Straight into the toilet for tgem

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2025 15:29

Rainydayinlondon · 07/08/2025 15:10

The downside to them being older is that they could be more obstinate.
I think 2 - 2.5 is ideal ( whenever the summer is after their second birthday). They’re old enough to understand and be pleased with themselves

It's why I did it at 18 months. He was too young to argue back! 😂

He'll be 3 in December and I think would be much harder to train if I had to do it now because he's far more opinionated now.

Rainydayinlondon · 07/08/2025 15:10

The downside to them being older is that they could be more obstinate.
I think 2 - 2.5 is ideal ( whenever the summer is after their second birthday). They’re old enough to understand and be pleased with themselves

NegroniMacaroni · 07/08/2025 12:54

AngelofIslington · 07/08/2025 09:30

This isn’t a goady question but when you say you weren’t ready what do you mean?

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I was just handling a lot at that time - house move, building works, and a very very poor-sleeping / tantrum-y DS. Once the works were over I felt I had a bit more energy & headspace to tackle it!

Original poster

gobshite23 · 07/08/2025 12:47

Jumpingthruhoops · 07/08/2025 10:20

Respectfully, that's because it's a topic that I don't feel requires much discussion. I've just explained why people think that parents who train late are lazy. There don't need to be any 'reasons'. People can - and will - just think it.
If you genuinely don't care what strangers on the internet think, I'm not really sure why you asked the question. If you're confident in your parenting choices, doesn't matter what other people think.

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I don’t care personally because I recognise that those who judge in this way are a bit silly. They don’t know the circumstances of other families or the needs/struggles of their children. However I do think in the spirit of being a decent person people just shouldn’t be so cruel.

OP posts:

BunfightBetty · 07/08/2025 12:44

Goldbar · 07/08/2025 10:50

The problem in these discussions is the complete inability of some people to see beyond their own circumstances and imagine that other people might be in different situations with different children.

Example - I think people who drive their children to school are lazy and there's no excuse for not walking or, if you have to, getting public transport. There's no excuse for lazy parents clogging up the streets with cars on the school-run.

My situation - I live in an urban area with safe pedestrian routes and excellent public transport where catchment areas are tiny and most people live under a mile from their child's school.

So you can see why I might think that parents who drive their kids to school are lazy.

But when I say this to people, they may respond with:

We live rurally along country lanes and there's no pavement.
I have to drop my child at school and drive to work for 9am so there's no time to walk there and come back for the car.
My child's school is 5 miles from our house.
My child has hypermobility which causes intermittent join pain and so sometimes can't manage the 15 minute walk to school.

I might stick to my original opinion and insist that most parents driving their kids to school are still lazy. But given my point of view is neither informed nor reasonable, but rather narrow-minded and intolerant, why would anyone care what I think? Some opinions aren't worth caring about.

I think the most that can sensibly be said about this topic is that, barring any additional needs or other issues which make potty-training trickier, ideally most children would be trained between 2-4 at a time that works for them so that they don't start school in nappies. And that where this isn't possible, some families may be in need of further support/guidance, but ultimately there may be some children for whom this was never going to be achievable for various reasons and they and their parents should be treated compassionately and non-judgmentally.

Absolutely this. The voice of reason!

NavyRose · 07/08/2025 11:55

SBMama · 07/08/2025 09:23

My daughter is 3.5 and at in nappies due to a disability. She's actually completely dry thanks to medication that stops her from weeing and we actually do her catheters on the toilet now, but she has to have a nappy for poohs since it's currently not clear whether she can a) tell when she needs to go before it's actually happening (she sometimes tells us she felt it coming out but most times when she tells us she needs a nappy change she says she didn't feel anytime, just smelled it) and b) can control it. That just for background.

Now my question: Every time I see a thread about toilet training there are people talking about their 2 and 2.5 year olds being fully trained. Even on this thread someone has said they waited until 2 instead of doing at 18 months because then they didn't have to get involved at all - the child could sort out their clothes and wipe independently. Is it really normal and expected for a 2 year old to be able to clean themselves properly? I only have vague memories of my brother being potty trained back in the 90s, probably aged somewhere between 2.5 and 3, and he definitely needed help wiping his bum for a while - I definitely remember a period of him shouting "I've done a pooh" from the bathroom and my mum going to help him get properly cleaned up. I just assumed that was normal. I would expect them to be able to do it by school age, but at 2?

All children are different and some will be easier to potty train than others, even if there's no disability some children just struggle more and take longer.

After reading through this thread I think that people who had children that picked it up quickly and easily at the age of 2 just refuse to believe that all children can't do it at 2 if there's no disability. Because they haven't had the experience of potty training a child that took longer to stop having accidents or got really stressed out etc..

My son was toilet trained by 3 years old before he started nursery, I just about did it in time for this but he still had accidents for ages. (More at nursery than at home, because I am not a lazy parent and I was on the ball monitoring my child and knowing when to take him to the toilet probably.)
And he was still in pull ups at night for a long time after he was toilet trained during the day, literally years longer. Tried occasionally to take the pull ups away and he'd just wet the bed a couple of nights in a row before we said sod it and he continued in pull ups a bit longer. I was told the gp won't do anything until they are 7 and he was dry at night a year or so before 7. He has no disability, just couldn't crack that particular milestone with ease.

My niece was completely dry in one weekend when she was 2.5, day and night. I truly don't believe the vast difference had anything to do with my potty training skills as a parent, they are just different children.

ohsososo · 07/08/2025 11:29

Twittable · 06/08/2025 20:24

Mainly because some of them are? It is an excruciating task which no one particularly likes and therefore some of those parents may try to avoid for as long as possible. Some of those parent’s children would have been ready a long time before their parents wanted to deal with it. It’s a kind of lazy/selfish vibe which catches up with them eventually!

You have found what works for one of your children which is great but every child is an individual and what works for one might not work for another. I have 5 children and each one has been different to potty train (later, earlier, dry at night, lots of accidents, no accidents, using the potty, straight on the toilet…etc). I wouldn’t give anyone any advice on when is the best time to start because it’s personal to their child’s needs but they should be trained by the time they start school.

Yes as you say, each child is different. So why also leap to condemning parents of late developers as lazy.

User79853257976 · 07/08/2025 11:09

Some people don’t stay at home long enough and then say their child wasn’t ready because they are having accidents. Most families have to have two parents working these days and they don’t want to use their annual leave for it so they leave it until the child basically trains by default.