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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

82 replies

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 17:54

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

OP posts:
slightlydistrac · 06/08/2025 18:20

Your dc can see far more than you can. You have allowed him to treat you like this. Okay, you did it with the best of intentions because you wanted to keep the family home together for the dc, but they know. They have been party to this toxic relationship their whole lives, and they are telling you that his behaviour is controlling.

You might feel miserable living on your own (or with your dc at least part time) in a different house, but at least you won't be in the doghouse or giving yourself the silent treatment, will you?

DiggingHoles · 06/08/2025 18:08

Cycle of abuse.

Your children are now old enough that they would not be forced between two houses. If that was your only reason for staying (personally I don't think it was a good one and your children also had to suffer his abusive silent treatment), then end it now and show your children there is nothing wrong with prioritizing your happiness.

goingtotown · 06/08/2025 18:05

You can be a long time unhappy.

ShoeeMcfee · 06/08/2025 18:03

You could start making rough plans, looking at finances and perhaps ways to improve them. It feels scary splitting after a long marriage and it certainly takes some adjusting, but speaking for myself, instigating a split was the best thing for me. I've never looked back. If you keep returning to the idea inside your head, this means that you're not happy.

Menopants · 06/08/2025 18:03

You won’t regret it. It will be hard and you will definitely have moments but in a year or so time you will be content and free. Don’t put up with this shit. You certainly will regret staying

BlueMum16 · 06/08/2025 18:01

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 17:54

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

Can you address why you are in the dog house?
Who stops speaking to whom? That's childish.

I would try and address these incidents if they are infrequent and the rest of the time is good.

TaborlinTheGreat · 06/08/2025 18:00

YABU. Life's too short to put up with this. If you stay, you will find yourself still wanting to leave in 10 years time, and it won't get any easier to do so. Your daughters' opinion says it all.

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