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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

82 replies

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 17:54

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

OP posts:
Thegrassroots26 · 06/08/2025 19:44

It’s easy to type LTB on an anonymous forum, but you are the one that has to live your life and with the consequences of any decision you make.

Thegrassroots26 · 06/08/2025 19:42

It’s difficult to give advice or a view. Everyone has such a unique set of circumstances.
if it helps I can tell you that I left my marriage 6 years ago. I don’t regret it, but it has been very tough. My kids were a bit younger though so have had to do the between houses bit. It can be very lonely after years with a partner, though being unhappy in a marriage is also lonely.
I think I thought I’d met someone and find happiness, but it hasn’t happened for me. The dating pool isn’t great at this age and I find it hard to meet men. I have had some experiences that have helped me grow (and been hard in a way)
overall it was the right thing for us, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Proceed with caution I’d say.

Emmylou22 · 06/08/2025 19:20

I've been where you are. And I cannot emphasise this enough: LEAVE.

You will realise life doesn't have to be like this. It can be glorious, calm, normal. This is controlling behaviour. I had a partner who convinced me I was so difficult to love and that I was the problem. It took having cancer and thinking I might die to realise I didn't want to live the rest of my life being that miserable.

You won't regret leaving.

nutbrownhare15 · 06/08/2025 19:04

He's vile. Please leave him. For you and your daughters' sake.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/08/2025 19:03

I highly doubt you'd regret leaving this specimen.

You may end up financially worse off - but you'll have happiness and freedom, you can't put a price on that.

BoredZelda · 06/08/2025 19:02

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:33

Thanks all. It's so weird to be in this bubble where you question whether you really are the one who is difficult to live with/unprincipled. This is giving me the strength to feel like I might deserve better

We are all difficult to live with, men included. But if someone claims to love you, they deal with those things like adults and not sulky teenagers. They also don’t take the huff when their partner wants to do something differently from them.

Of course you deserve better, your kids seem to think so. Take heart, at least you appear to have taught them what not to put up with in a relationship!

50lbstolose · 06/08/2025 18:58

I have never met a person who regrets leaving a relationship, but I've met plenty who wish they'd done it sooner

Original poster
Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:57

Gosh, I didn't expect such a consensus TBH. Now feeling like I have to do something about it, which is rather terrifying.

OP posts:
ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/08/2025 18:56

He sounds like a dick.
If my DH wanted to 'teach me a lesson'about anything I'd be out. It's parent to child/teacher to student dynamic and not how two people treat eachother in a marriage and therefore very icky when done.
As for him not speaking to his daughter because she broke up with a boyfriend, he needs to get the fuck over himself doesn't he.

BunnyLake · 06/08/2025 18:54

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:22

3 recent examples:

  1. We planned to visit daughter for a day (living away at uni) for the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. He wanted to combine it with seeing his mate who lives in the same city so booked a hotel stay without asking me so we could see him in the evening. I was a bit fed up as had planned to spend the next day (Mother's Day) gardening. I said it's not ideal but OK here's how we could adapt the plan to suit all. He was so annoyed that I questioned his plan that he got the hump and stayed at home. I went to see my daughter on my own and he and I didn't speak for days. Ongoing narrative - I always prioritise the children's needs over his.

  2. Same daughter has just broken up with her long term boyfriend as struggling with the long distance relationship since going to uni. We adored said boyfriend. Daughter got with her flatmate a couple of weeks later. I did advise her that that could be seen as quite hurtful behaviour etc and said she needs to take care of people's feelings in future or she will look back and regret it. Husband is still barely speaking to her 3 months on until she concedes to him that she behaved badly. Came to a head between me and him a couple of weeks ago as he hates that I am speaking to her normally and have met the new boyfriend. Ended up not speaking for days. Ongoing narrative - I wasn't kind to several boyfriends in the past and he doesn't want our daughters to turn out like that so they have to learn how to acknowledge when they are wrong (but she has just decided not to bother coming home any more as he's being such an arse).

  3. Today - packing to go away in our caravan. He realised that I have made my own packing list which I like to use rather than using the one he has lovingly crafted over years but stresses me out. Decided to 'teach me a lesson' and refused to leave until tomorrow as my behaviour has made him not feel like going. This plays into a long narrative of 'I disregard the processes he has put in place to make our lives easier because I can't be arsed'.

Show quote history

Leave him. You are married to a jerk. An immature, emotionally abusive little baby of a man. When you dump him you will realise what a heavy burden you were dragging around all these years and even though you might be poorer you will feel spiritually richer.

GoldDuster · 06/08/2025 18:54

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:49

Honestly, it felt very awkward to say to her but he's instilled in me that my own teenage behaviour was very selfish and it was my mother's fault for not giving me any moral guidance, and I need to make sure I don't repeat the cycle. i really struggle to know (because of the neurodiversity) whether I just care less about this stuff than the rest of society or if he's just a holier-than-thou twat.

Show quote history

He's a holier than thou manipulative twat, your DD can see straight through him and so will you given a bit of time and distance.

SlipperyLizard · 06/08/2025 18:52

He’s a horrible controlling man, and you should leave. If your daughters are telling you to then that’s a massive red flag.

I did some terribly hurtful things to boyfriends (one in particular) when I was a similar age (had plenty of hurtful things done to me by others - no excuse but just to say young people are thoughtless), I do look back and regret it but how do we learn & grow if not by making mistakes?

Please leave him.

Original poster
Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:49

Awrite · 06/08/2025 18:43

I can't believe either of you commented on your daughter's love life. I have a daughter the same age. She would be appalled if her parents judged her in such a way. How dare you?

Yes, he sounds like a cunt. Sadly, your daughters may put you in the same boat if you carry on with your little moralising chats.

Honestly, it felt very awkward to say to her but he's instilled in me that my own teenage behaviour was very selfish and it was my mother's fault for not giving me any moral guidance, and I need to make sure I don't repeat the cycle. i really struggle to know (because of the neurodiversity) whether I just care less about this stuff than the rest of society or if he's just a holier-than-thou twat.

OP posts:
Awrite · 06/08/2025 18:43

I can't believe either of you commented on your daughter's love life. I have a daughter the same age. She would be appalled if her parents judged her in such a way. How dare you?

Yes, he sounds like a cunt. Sadly, your daughters may put you in the same boat if you carry on with your little moralising chats.

Clarabell77 · 06/08/2025 18:41

Bullying and controlling behaviour.

Dideon · 06/08/2025 18:40

His behaviour is horrible.

Clarabell77 · 06/08/2025 18:39

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:22

3 recent examples:

  1. We planned to visit daughter for a day (living away at uni) for the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. He wanted to combine it with seeing his mate who lives in the same city so booked a hotel stay without asking me so we could see him in the evening. I was a bit fed up as had planned to spend the next day (Mother's Day) gardening. I said it's not ideal but OK here's how we could adapt the plan to suit all. He was so annoyed that I questioned his plan that he got the hump and stayed at home. I went to see my daughter on my own and he and I didn't speak for days. Ongoing narrative - I always prioritise the children's needs over his.

  2. Same daughter has just broken up with her long term boyfriend as struggling with the long distance relationship since going to uni. We adored said boyfriend. Daughter got with her flatmate a couple of weeks later. I did advise her that that could be seen as quite hurtful behaviour etc and said she needs to take care of people's feelings in future or she will look back and regret it. Husband is still barely speaking to her 3 months on until she concedes to him that she behaved badly. Came to a head between me and him a couple of weeks ago as he hates that I am speaking to her normally and have met the new boyfriend. Ended up not speaking for days. Ongoing narrative - I wasn't kind to several boyfriends in the past and he doesn't want our daughters to turn out like that so they have to learn how to acknowledge when they are wrong (but she has just decided not to bother coming home any more as he's being such an arse).

  3. Today - packing to go away in our caravan. He realised that I have made my own packing list which I like to use rather than using the one he has lovingly crafted over years but stresses me out. Decided to 'teach me a lesson' and refused to leave until tomorrow as my behaviour has made him not feel like going. This plays into a long narrative of 'I disregard the processes he has put in place to make our lives easier because I can't be arsed'.

Show quote history

Of course you need to leave.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 06/08/2025 18:35

He's fucking horrid.

You don't have any children to consider. They are considering for you. Listen to them. Leave.

Original poster
Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:33

Thanks all. It's so weird to be in this bubble where you question whether you really are the one who is difficult to live with/unprincipled. This is giving me the strength to feel like I might deserve better

OP posts:
HotAndSweatyButNotBetty · 06/08/2025 18:32

Your daughters are the best judges here. You should model better behaviour to them....leave. life is too short for that shit. You could still have a relationship with him? Explain that you feel you'd both be happier not living together.

Menopants · 06/08/2025 18:31

Also for your sake stop telling your daughter to put other peoples feelings first. That’s bullshit. She is not responsible for other people’s feelings

GoldDuster · 06/08/2025 18:28

see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour

The in between parts are comfortable. If they weren't you'd be long gone. He can't be an arsehole 365 days a year, that wouldn't work as you'd have left long ago. He's nice enough to you in between outbursts so you stay, he's controlling the situation.

Personally I would tell him he could ram his packing list wherever he wanted and hitch up the caravan and holiday alone, he sounds like a wanker OP, sorry. I'd leave, but only you know the answer. I haven't regretted it for one second, but then again, I wasn't in two minds. Once I knew I could do it logistically, I was out, no looking back.

Menopants · 06/08/2025 18:27

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:22

3 recent examples:

  1. We planned to visit daughter for a day (living away at uni) for the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. He wanted to combine it with seeing his mate who lives in the same city so booked a hotel stay without asking me so we could see him in the evening. I was a bit fed up as had planned to spend the next day (Mother's Day) gardening. I said it's not ideal but OK here's how we could adapt the plan to suit all. He was so annoyed that I questioned his plan that he got the hump and stayed at home. I went to see my daughter on my own and he and I didn't speak for days. Ongoing narrative - I always prioritise the children's needs over his.

  2. Same daughter has just broken up with her long term boyfriend as struggling with the long distance relationship since going to uni. We adored said boyfriend. Daughter got with her flatmate a couple of weeks later. I did advise her that that could be seen as quite hurtful behaviour etc and said she needs to take care of people's feelings in future or she will look back and regret it. Husband is still barely speaking to her 3 months on until she concedes to him that she behaved badly. Came to a head between me and him a couple of weeks ago as he hates that I am speaking to her normally and have met the new boyfriend. Ended up not speaking for days. Ongoing narrative - I wasn't kind to several boyfriends in the past and he doesn't want our daughters to turn out like that so they have to learn how to acknowledge when they are wrong (but she has just decided not to bother coming home any more as he's being such an arse).

  3. Today - packing to go away in our caravan. He realised that I have made my own packing list which I like to use rather than using the one he has lovingly crafted over years but stresses me out. Decided to 'teach me a lesson' and refused to leave until tomorrow as my behaviour has made him not feel like going. This plays into a long narrative of 'I disregard the processes he has put in place to make our lives easier because I can't be arsed'.

Show quote history

He’s a cunt, I really feel for you and your lovely daughters. You daughter is perfectly within her rights to dump a boyfriend and move on. Honestly fuck him. Look after yourself and your daughters and get so,e therapy cos he has done a right number on you all

Charlotte120221 · 06/08/2025 18:23

the first thing my Mum said when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer was “I should have left him years ago”.

if you are thinking about this so often then there must be something in it.

act now

Original poster
Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:22

BlueMum16 · 06/08/2025 18:01

Can you address why you are in the dog house?
Who stops speaking to whom? That's childish.

I would try and address these incidents if they are infrequent and the rest of the time is good.

Show quote history

3 recent examples:

  1. We planned to visit daughter for a day (living away at uni) for the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. He wanted to combine it with seeing his mate who lives in the same city so booked a hotel stay without asking me so we could see him in the evening. I was a bit fed up as had planned to spend the next day (Mother's Day) gardening. I said it's not ideal but OK here's how we could adapt the plan to suit all. He was so annoyed that I questioned his plan that he got the hump and stayed at home. I went to see my daughter on my own and he and I didn't speak for days. Ongoing narrative - I always prioritise the children's needs over his.

  2. Same daughter has just broken up with her long term boyfriend as struggling with the long distance relationship since going to uni. We adored said boyfriend. Daughter got with her flatmate a couple of weeks later. I did advise her that that could be seen as quite hurtful behaviour etc and said she needs to take care of people's feelings in future or she will look back and regret it. Husband is still barely speaking to her 3 months on until she concedes to him that she behaved badly. Came to a head between me and him a couple of weeks ago as he hates that I am speaking to her normally and have met the new boyfriend. Ended up not speaking for days. Ongoing narrative - I wasn't kind to several boyfriends in the past and he doesn't want our daughters to turn out like that so they have to learn how to acknowledge when they are wrong (but she has just decided not to bother coming home any more as he's being such an arse).

  3. Today - packing to go away in our caravan. He realised that I have made my own packing list which I like to use rather than using the one he has lovingly crafted over years but stresses me out. Decided to 'teach me a lesson' and refused to leave until tomorrow as my behaviour has made him not feel like going. This plays into a long narrative of 'I disregard the processes he has put in place to make our lives easier because I can't be arsed'.

OP posts: