AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

Also someone mentioned The Freedom Programme, well worth a look OP as one of your first steps to helping this sink in.

I honestly don't think compared to the way you've been living that the reality of moving on will be any where near as hard as you fear. Some people do find the first bit post divorce difficult, but I can honestly say it was the biggest relief of my life. No I couldn't move a chest of drawers without ringing a friend, but so what. The feeling of peace and autonomy was just remarkable. I could put my key in the door without wondering what was on the other side, make plans without them being derailed, and be peacefully in my own home knowing nobody was going to come in with an agenda. Eat what you want when you want. Go to bed when you want. Paint the lounge whatever colour you want. Nobody's opinion. No curve balls. No tantrums, no control, no moods, no manipulation.

I was able to start my own business, focus on building up friendships, and it all just felt much more "true". Years down the line I am in a relationship the likes of which I coudn't have imagined existed which is the polar opposite to my marriage. My life would have looked so much different had I not got out of there. So yes, it might be difficult in parts, the divorce was no picnic I assure you, but you just need to give yourself permission to get free, get your head down and get through it with everything you've got, knowing you will come out the other side.

If you stay with him, I don't think you'll be seeing much of your dds and any future grandchildren. They won't want their children around him.

It's good that you've written down the incidents you can remember. When you leave - because I hope you do - and have the occasional wobble - because you will at first - read through them and think "At least I don't have to put up with that again."

It screams abusive to me and sadly the typical cycle of being a complete and utter shit and ruining things and then how lovely he can be when he wants. He is choosing that shitty behaviour, remember that.

You should definitely gather some information like pension pot amounts, rough house valuation and go and see a solicitor to see how it will likely pan out. Do not listen to what your husband thinks you would get or whatever, he is not a qualified solicitor in this area.

Your own children can see the situation and hopefully carve out a better life for themselves.

You deserve better than this. You deserve peace of mind.

Wtf? Why shouldn't your daughter get with her flatmate? Shes single.

Tbh he sounds like a complete twat. I would have been out of the door when he mentioned his "processes." Pompous dick. I wouldn't be going in any caravan with him. Tell him he can caravan by himself and revel in his own pomposity.

To answer literally, yanbu to guess that if you divorce, you might later miss some aspects of being married. Quite likely you will. Is the marriage too miserable to stay in? Yes it sounds like that to me. I’d leave, I think.

@Wallywobbles It's called The Freedom Programme.

I would say read Lundys book Why Does He Do That (hint: because he can and enjoys being a cunt).
Then do the online or in person workshop - I can’t remember the name right now, that helps you recognize what’s normal. Someone will be along that knows.

I don’t think leaving this marriage will be much more difficult than staying in it. Please don’t let the difficulty put you off. I have lots of really lovely memories that first year , my true friends really stepped up . If you can afford it find a good therapist

What you have described is text book abusive behaviour from your husband. He has conditioned you to think the way you do.

Leave. Your life will be better in more ways than you can possibly imagine.

You will need help to recover from the abuse. Women's Aid are your go to, both for planning your exit and dealing with the aftermath. It is not uncommon to have PTSD when you have been so badly mistreated. Also, once the abuser realises they are losing control of their abused, they can escalate, so get advice before leaving as to the best way of going safely.

I just want to reiterate this. I left a marriage just like this after only 5 years and I'm so glad I did. I do not regret leaving at all.

The bit you posted about him 'teaching you a lesson' really resonated with me in particular, that was my exh all over. Yuck. Pathetic little men.

I had no idea what a number mine had done on my confidence and self esteem until I was out. You are far more capable than you realise OP and will probably be much happier out of this marriage.

Looking back now, I just wish I had done is sooner. I am so much happier now, so calm, so content, so happy to be alive. I cannot wait to go to bed at night, bundle up in my cozy sheets, wake up in the morning and have coffee in peace, plan my day. I do what I want, when I want it, nobody is there to criticize and belittle me and tell me what to do or not to. Cook and clean and do whatever I want for my kids without him sulking and making comments about it.

Coming home is the most wonderful affair now; my quiet, cozy home, where my kids live, my dog, where I am at peace and happy. While there are some bad days, some mornings when I wake up feeling anxious and sad, all in all I feel much better. Life is beautiful again, it really is. Every little bit of it. The most common of days, when I do nothing at all, knit, watch Netflix, meditate, is the most glorious indeed.

The examples you gave us are very typical examples of abusive behaviour. My exh was very similar to yours and like you I stayed for as long as I could but ended up leaving him after twenty five years of marriage.

It was not easy for me to leave and I really struggled with feelings of guilt and simple sadness. It took me quite a few months to feel a little better, but I never once regretted doing it.

It's not always easy being single. But it would be easier and preferable to what you describe!

He is vile

Honestly, the way he has treated your daughter would be enough to make me leave. What a nasty controlling man he is. I think it's become your normal and you've lost sight of how abusive he really is.

He’s worn you down with his control and abuse to the point that your daughter doesn’t want to come home. You should have left a long time ago, don’t waste anymore of your life with him. You will regret it if you stay as it will ruin your relationship with your daughters.

I've also become quite co-dependent and the thought of making all my life decisions on my own gives me so much anxiety

This is no accident, you have been undermined for years, and your self esteem and confidence in your abilities eroded to keep you stuck. It's on purpose. You would find that once the divorce was behind you, you're far more capable than you currently believe, and your shortcomings and failings actually do not stop you from functioning very well independently. It's all smoke and mirrors OP.

If the marriage was just stale / no longer passionate / drifted apart etc I'd say yes, think carefully

But what you're describing is abuse. He is trying to control the tiny details of your life and punish you through removal of promised plans or silent treatment if you don't comply with his 'right way' of doing things

Would you like it for your daughters if they ended up in relationships where trips were cancelled because they used their own list instead of their partners list? Have you any idea how mad that sounds?

He is abusive to both you and your daughter.
The fact that they want you to leave him speaks volumes tbh.

Listen to your daughters and think of both versions of your future, one walking on eggshells around his moods which will only get worse with old age and trying to bridge the relationship between him and your daughters. The other having freedom to do your own thing, spend Mother’s Day gardening if you want to and having a less complicated relationship with your daughters and their potential future partners/kids.