AIBU to think I might regret leaving my marriage?

Original poster

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 21:51

I know some of you feel I should have taken more time to plan before raising it with him but I do know everything about our finances as they are all held jointly and I do all the organisation of that. I just felt I needed to say something before I was lulled back into feeling like this is all normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 20:58

We both wanted to go on the trip away TBH rather than waste annual leave sitting round and moping. But five mins in and he starts saying that he'd better give our daughter the full context of what I did in the early part of our relationship that has made him feel so strongly about protecting other people's feelings i.e. threatening to damage my relationship with her in retaliation.

Argued for 15 mins then I decided it wasn't worth it. Let him do his worst. I'm here and trying to enjoy the scenery (and we are being OK with each other, just quiet). Its making me sad that this might be the last time in our lovely caravan but thinking of alternative holidays I can go on, even if it's on my own

OP posts:

Menopants · 07/08/2025 20:48

I sorry. But you will be amazed at yourself by the end of this. You deserve happiness love and peace

Original poster

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 18:36

Thanks all, sorry for radio silence - very long car journey and yes, you are all right, the good behaviour did not last 5 minutes. I don't have any fear of physical abuse, never been any hint of that at all and he holds himself to be the 'moral' one, but the emotional abuse is in full force... I will update more when I can

OP posts:

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/08/2025 13:39

Even though you have now amicably decided to separate next summer. I strongly advise you tell a close friend or family member this, in case something happens to you. I'd also advise you to secretly start planning financially. Get copies of all financials, pensions, savings etc., and organise yourself some income. Please do not share details with him - he is not your friend. He's highly controlling and manipulative, you cannot trust this man.

Snorlaxo · 07/08/2025 13:28

When you split up, there’s always times where you think what if. It doesn’t mean that you should have split up, it’s human nature to wonder.

I understand why you might have been too scared to leave but you should have in order to set your kids a good example of what good relationships look like. You risk them copying you and sticking in abusive relationships when they should have left- heartbreaking. At age 12ish, children are legally allowed to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If they’d said no contact with dad then you could have spared them the pain that they experienced the last few years and they wouldn’t have had to travel between 2 homes.

I’m shocked that you told your dd to prioritize her ex bf’s feelings over her own. Being a doormat /people pleaser etc has contributed to your current bad situation. It’s common for young people to go to uni and date loads of people. It’s very common that secondary school romances fizzle out. You let your opinion of the ex colour your view on things. Dd did not do anything wrong finding a new bf.

When someone blows hot and cold/nice and abusive, you need to remove yourself from that toxic dynamic. You have children - didn’t you ever have to advise them on “friends” that behave like that? If he was a decent man who loved you then he wouldn’t treat you like this. You deserve better but clearly lack the confidence to think so.

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/08/2025 13:12

Who was it that suggested you do now go away in the caravan? Him?

please be very careful op.

PigletSanders · 07/08/2025 12:59

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 11:06

Well, I've made a little leap thanks to all of your advice. Broached a conversation this morning (after another night of not speaking). I felt it would go better if I framed it as a mutual thing i.e. it doesn't feel like this relationship is making either of us very happy any more. But eventually it did get on to how I felt he was damaging his relationship with our daughter and I wasn't willing to go along with that.

He did initially do his usual raising his voice and bringing up all the many parenting and relationship mistakes he feels I've made over the last decade. But I stayed calm and said I want to discuss what we're doing to move on from this as it's clearly not working and we have incompatible ways of thinking and behaving. He did actually agree it's not what he wants either and he has suggested staying together until our youngest has finished A-levels and he's finished his Masters (next summer), and then separating.

I said I'm prepared to do that but only if we can do it without the conflict which he agreed to. I really don't think he'll manage it but felt unreasonable not to try. I also think it's probably just a delaying tactic on his part and he feels it will have blown over by then but I feel very much armed with a new reality that I'm not prepared to accept anymore what I now know to be abuse. Of course, him being in agreement about separating makes me feel like he's not a controlling twat and genuinely thinks I'm the issue, but maybe that's just more gaslighting.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed. I've done it for years already, I can stomach another year, particularly if he's better behaved.

We're actually going to head off on the caravan trip after all, which may be a brilliant way of distracting ourselves or a horrible way of bringing this to a head again.

I'll keep you posted. All your comments have been so helpful, thanks.

I’m afraid he’s attempting to manipulate you into not leaving. If you leave, he loses control of you. He won’t like that.

By agreeing to go away, and falsifying ‘best behaviour’, he’s trying to alter your mindset about how he is and how you feel about the relationship, in order to get you back in line and back into his control.

This is all a play from him, and pure manipulation. So in reality, more abuse designed to pull the rug from under you and make you retract what you’ve said. Until he starts up his dripping poison once again. It’s the push-pull cycle of abuse.

He also agreed with you about ending the relationship purely to put the wind up you and make you beg him to stay.

Everything he is doing is calculated abuse, of both you and your poor, poor daughters.

WonderingWanda · 07/08/2025 12:07

My marriage never makes me unhappy and I am never in the doghouse. The more I read the more I think your dh is actually a nasty bully, all this teaching people a lesson nonsense. You are an adult and if you want your own packing list, wish to be consulted and included in decisions about trips, want to speak to you dd etc then you should be able to. What your dd does with regard to her partners is really not his job to police either. He sounds like a right prick and he appears to have conditioned you to believe that you are at fault and in some way deserving of this because of past behaviour or your adhd. Please leave him.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/08/2025 12:06

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 11:06

Well, I've made a little leap thanks to all of your advice. Broached a conversation this morning (after another night of not speaking). I felt it would go better if I framed it as a mutual thing i.e. it doesn't feel like this relationship is making either of us very happy any more. But eventually it did get on to how I felt he was damaging his relationship with our daughter and I wasn't willing to go along with that.

He did initially do his usual raising his voice and bringing up all the many parenting and relationship mistakes he feels I've made over the last decade. But I stayed calm and said I want to discuss what we're doing to move on from this as it's clearly not working and we have incompatible ways of thinking and behaving. He did actually agree it's not what he wants either and he has suggested staying together until our youngest has finished A-levels and he's finished his Masters (next summer), and then separating.

I said I'm prepared to do that but only if we can do it without the conflict which he agreed to. I really don't think he'll manage it but felt unreasonable not to try. I also think it's probably just a delaying tactic on his part and he feels it will have blown over by then but I feel very much armed with a new reality that I'm not prepared to accept anymore what I now know to be abuse. Of course, him being in agreement about separating makes me feel like he's not a controlling twat and genuinely thinks I'm the issue, but maybe that's just more gaslighting.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed. I've done it for years already, I can stomach another year, particularly if he's better behaved.

We're actually going to head off on the caravan trip after all, which may be a brilliant way of distracting ourselves or a horrible way of bringing this to a head again.

I'll keep you posted. All your comments have been so helpful, thanks.

I always think that it is best to approach a divorce in secret, until you have gathered all financial information and documents and seen a solicitor.

He may not be the type to try and hide assets, but you never know. Being a horrible controlling person generally, it may well be that he decides you don't "deserve" certain funds (as if it was his decision to make!).
Also, he is abusive and now has the opportunity to adapt his abuse and manipulation to stop you leaving.

In your position, I suggest letting the matter drop entirely for the next year. Let him think it was a 'blip' and that you have forgotten all about it. Go back to being your 'normal' self.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed.
That is not how abusive relationships work.
You will not come out of this unscathed.
It will not be amicable.

But you still have to go through with it - for your daughters and potential future grandchildren, as well as yourself.
It will all be so, so worthwhile when you are out the other side.

BlondieMuver · 07/08/2025 12:04

Look at it like this.
Stay as you are and you get to spend the rest of your life living as you are...

thepariscrimefiles · 07/08/2025 12:01

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:49

Honestly, it felt very awkward to say to her but he's instilled in me that my own teenage behaviour was very selfish and it was my mother's fault for not giving me any moral guidance, and I need to make sure I don't repeat the cycle. i really struggle to know (because of the neurodiversity) whether I just care less about this stuff than the rest of society or if he's just a holier-than-thou twat.

Show quote history

He is a holier-than-thou twat. He is trying to control his adult daughter's sexual relationships which is creepy as fuck. I'd bet he'd love it if he came from a culture where the parents (i.e. him) could arrange his daughter's marriage.

Plus, he is a sulker which is one of the ugliest personality traits.

Original poster

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 11:18

Oh, and to those who recommended or advised against counselling - thank you but we have tried it twice. Both times he was told he had very black and white thinking and we ended up leaving as he felt the counsellor and I were ganging up on him...

OP posts:

Original poster

Maketheleap · 07/08/2025 11:06

Well, I've made a little leap thanks to all of your advice. Broached a conversation this morning (after another night of not speaking). I felt it would go better if I framed it as a mutual thing i.e. it doesn't feel like this relationship is making either of us very happy any more. But eventually it did get on to how I felt he was damaging his relationship with our daughter and I wasn't willing to go along with that.

He did initially do his usual raising his voice and bringing up all the many parenting and relationship mistakes he feels I've made over the last decade. But I stayed calm and said I want to discuss what we're doing to move on from this as it's clearly not working and we have incompatible ways of thinking and behaving. He did actually agree it's not what he wants either and he has suggested staying together until our youngest has finished A-levels and he's finished his Masters (next summer), and then separating.

I said I'm prepared to do that but only if we can do it without the conflict which he agreed to. I really don't think he'll manage it but felt unreasonable not to try. I also think it's probably just a delaying tactic on his part and he feels it will have blown over by then but I feel very much armed with a new reality that I'm not prepared to accept anymore what I now know to be abuse. Of course, him being in agreement about separating makes me feel like he's not a controlling twat and genuinely thinks I'm the issue, but maybe that's just more gaslighting.

It feels like if we can do this amicably and over a sensible timescale then it gives me the best chance of getting through it relatively unscathed. I've done it for years already, I can stomach another year, particularly if he's better behaved.

We're actually going to head off on the caravan trip after all, which may be a brilliant way of distracting ourselves or a horrible way of bringing this to a head again.

I'll keep you posted. All your comments have been so helpful, thanks.

OP posts:

MsJen · 07/08/2025 09:57

He’s invalidated the marriage with his behaviour over a prolonged period of time. Hanging on to a marriage, when the other person hasn’t kept even the most basic of promises absolutely baffles me. People are so hung up on how difficult divorce can be (yes it’s a nightmare) but if the alternative is this “marriage”? Fuck that.

WillIEverGoOnHoliday · 07/08/2025 09:52

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 17:54

I consider leaving my marriage at least once every couple of months when I am again in the doghouse for something I have done. It often coincides with holidays, birthdays and Christmas but can be any other weekend - he gets annoyed at some choice I've made (or a daughter has made) and we stop speaking for days. I've put up with it for years because I didn't want the children to live between two houses but they are now 19 and 17 and just see me as pathetic for putting up with what they see as his controlling behaviour. The problem is that the inbetween parts are good - I get on with him like no-one else in the world, we have so much shared history and I would be so much worse off financially. Plus all the aggro of the divorce and then living alone. So as not to dripfeed, I do have ADHD and have definitely behaved in ways that would justifiably make me a poor partner about 25 years ago before I started to understand myself and people's expectations of me, but this history seems to colour every interaction in the here and now. So, will I regret leaving my sometimes comfortable but sometimes miserable marriage? Did you?

YABU - You should leave a marriage that makes you sporadically miserable, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner

YANBU - You should consider whether divorce might just make you just as miserable but in a different house

P.S..Name-changed for this.

I dont think anyone can tell you what you SHOULD feel. Regret is normal. However you clearly did the right thing.

leopardandspots · 07/08/2025 09:49

Yes definitely try counselling first. Obviously you feel how you feel within the relationship and he does sound controlling. However to go against the usual MN flow taking your 3 recent examples:

The visit to your DD. There is no problem with him booking accommodation to make a weekend of it and see his mate who lives in the same city. You could have spent an extra day with your DD . The problem is him getting the hump and staying at home then the not communicating.

2.Obviously DD is entitled to dump her lovely home boyf for the new Uni one. Your DH in effect agrees with you that she needs to take care of people's feelings, but again it’s his not speaking that’s the problem.

3.Using your own packing list rather than his fixed one sounds like for both of you there’s a bit of a neurodiversity issue. One of you prefers an innovative approach - the other preferring routine. Again it’s the refusing to leave that’s the problem.

Sometimes brain wiring leads to these patterns, eg I now think exH and I both had some kind of incompatible neurodiversity. I like regular routines and patterns such as using a list. He disliked routine and liked a new left field creative approach to be incorporated into daily life, for example, one year he saw nothing wrong with bringing the children’s presents ( wrapped by me) down early on Christmas Eve afternoon in front of them, as he thought we didn’t have to do the Father Christmas surprise thing the same way every year.

In summary the actual specific examples you gave don’t sound major but the pattern of holidays ruined, constant nitpicking and disparaging sounds more serious.

My point is that some ( not all) of your history sounds like a communication issue so do try counselling first.

Whatachliche · 07/08/2025 09:49

Please do absolutely do NOT entertain marriage counselling with a clearly text book abusive partner, this is the worst you can do. it is not recommended by professionals for a reason.

also I urge you to do some research around what has been sold as co dependency for a long time is actually complex ptsd from ongoing emotional abuse, gaslighting and coercive control.

your feeling of not being able to do things has been planted in your head via his abuse. run for the hills!!

Magnificentkitteh · 07/08/2025 09:48

I came on to this thread to say I think Mumsnet is far too ready to advocate ltb and don't take into account the realities of blended families, no control over who comes into your child's life, financial difficulties etc but your case feels extreme. Your husband sounds awful, sorry, and his behaviour abusive. Plus your children are grown up and want you to split.

GoldDuster · 07/08/2025 09:37

GRCP · 07/08/2025 09:07

I would say try marriage counselling before divorce.
Could you give some examples of what he gets cross about?

Marriage counselling is never recommended where there is a pattern of abuse.

GRCP · 07/08/2025 09:07

I would say try marriage counselling before divorce.
Could you give some examples of what he gets cross about?

Starlight1984 · 07/08/2025 09:06

What's that saying? You never regret the things you do, only the things you didn't do.

I stayed with my ex far too long (no abuse, he was just extremely hard work, highly strung and opinionated) and the first day after I moved out, I sat down at my new kitchen island, looked around at my new surroundings, listened to the peace and quiet and birds outside, breathed a MASSIVE sigh of relief and then burst into tears thinking why did I leave it so long to experience this?!

I am now happily married to DH and (deliberately?) chose someone who actually makes me feel that peaceful at home with him rather than without him. DH is calm, steady and does everything he can to make our lives as happy and simple as possible.

You may or may not move on - and might not even want to meet someone else! - but I can guarantee @Maketheleap from what you have said, you won't regret leaving. You'll only regret not doing it sooner.

Chazbots · 07/08/2025 09:00

I have adhd and find Claude the AI app very helpful to organise my thoughts. Breaks down the steps to the wee ones you need with adhd, seems to be very cognisant of the difficulties.

Just helping a friend leave after 32 years, she's having rough times but says the other days are like a holiday. She looks so much lighter in herself.

By cycling abuse with ok, it keeps you on a treadmill of it's not quite bad enough to push you to do something but it's not a comfortable place to be either.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/08/2025 08:50

If it helps at all @Maketheleap the first year isn't always hard. From the first day, my separation was AMAZING. Yes, there were moments of difficulty when I was receiving death threats from him and when he found out my new address etc. He was very violent to me, so hopefully these wouldn't be issues for you in your situation. But honestly, I was on cloud9 from the first day I moved into my new home without him.

I'd imagine it's a lot harder when you've young children at home of course.

I really do hope you take the leap to leave him, as your existence with him right now is utterly miserable. You deserve better. LEAP.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 07/08/2025 08:41

Maketheleap · 06/08/2025 18:57

Gosh, I didn't expect such a consensus TBH. Now feeling like I have to do something about it, which is rather terrifying.

Forums are great for stuff like this. Especially when it’s too embarrassing to speak about to other people so you lose perspective. I must say that reading your responses I think you are stronger than you think - example you still went to see your daughter on Mother’s Day weekend, you didn’t let his mood stop you. Therefore, you can do this and you won’t have anyone disappointed in you! You can have a life without anyone dictating anything to you, try to see that as exciting rather than scary!