MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

Then you should know that no two people will experience grief the same and sweeping statements like ‘Then she shouldn’t have gone. Seeing as she did, she doesn’t have the right to spoil it for anyone else’ aren’t appropriate. Grief isn’t a linear process and she may have thought she could cope, and when she got there, found she couldn’t. You’re entitled to your opinion, but that doesn’t mean it’s particularly kind.

Well, OP hasn’t come back, so she’s either having a much better time on holiday than she expected - in which case, problem solved - or she didn’t get quite the universal chorus of “Poor you! How dare MIL ruin your holiday” that she hoped for.

I agree, it's so recent. She must still be very raw.

I feel sad for your MIL as she’s clearly grieving and she will gradually learn to live with the death but she probably won’t ‘get over it’.

I mean I lost my lovely Mum in sept 2023 & when I went on holiday last month it was all good except for the one time I found myself swimming in the sea crying my eyes out because my Mum loved the sea. I’m definitely not over it really and it’s nearly 2 years!

So I think when it’s a partner who’s died and it’s less than a year it must feel awful & so hard to try and ‘put on a brave face’ for others when she sounds quite depressed to me.

Basically stop actually treading on eggshells so much but keep on being kind to your MIL, then after this break unfortunately you probably shouldn’t invite her away again until more time has passed if her grief is an issue for you.

My mother is of that generation (cusp of Boomer/Silent) and is exactly as the PP described. She went from parents home aged 20 to her marital home and is now in her 80s learning to navigate the 21st century and it's complexities completely unprepared for the challenge on her own. She didn't go to uni, she didn't have relationship breakups, she didn't have a career or any form of paid job.

The thing with generalisations is that there will always be some exceptions. Great for you and your friends if it doesn't apply to you. It does to a huge proportion of women born in the 1940s, whichever side of the split between generations.

Trolling because I have a different opinion?

I went away for a week with my elderly grandparents not long after DH died. I did my absolute best to put on a brave face. As difficult as it was for me I had no intention of spoiling a trip they’d looked forward to for so long. It wouldn't have been fair to them. I was suffering but I didn’t want them to.

I voted YANBU. My own DM booked and paid for a family holiday after DF died. She was still grieving and struggling to cope without him at home. I think she did it to take her mind off it a bit and create some happy memories, with us and DGC. Yes, we got to hear about every holiday herself and DF had taken, the happy times they had, what they ate, lol. We barely left her on her own, only when she insisted she was fine to sit by the pool by herself. No sulking. Some sadness, obviously.
Yes, everyone is different and perhaps when she accepted the holiday she thought she'd be ok about it, but reality has hit. It's not fair on the rest of you but it is what it is now.
I know you're close to her OP but does she have a close relationship with your DH/her DS? Maybe she'd like to reminisce about family holidays with him, made a fuss of.

Are you trolling? The woman is grieving!

*brought

Absolutely this.

It's getting on for 5 years since my DP died. I still get blindsided by things that throw me back into a deep grief: places where we'd had happy times, things that we used to do together, things that I come across and know he would have loved.

There's no expiry date on grief, and it comes bubbling up to the surface unexpectedly, and knocks me for six.

I’ve lost plenty of close people and I just wouldn’t go and be a downer on someone elses hard earned holiday, even if that’s what I felt inside.
I either wouldn’t go or I’d put a smile on and make the best of it.

OP I'd have been more sympathetic to you if you hadn't used the phrase "wallow in almost self pity" about a woman who has lost her life partner a few short months ago.

And ‘she took it on herself’ to invite her niece remember! Whatever ‘took it on herself means’, was she meant to ask permission?

I thought the funk was a style of music - now I know it's just a bit of tiddly fiddly grief.

And I also know now that we shouldn't 'enable/validate' it - because why WOULD you enable or validate people's legitimate feelings of loss?!

Much better to ignore them and get the Ouzo down your necks before the midnight disco down in the bar!

I agree, it’s lovely. ❤️

Thank you for your lovely and honest post. Sometimes we just do the best we can at the time and look back and think we could have done more. But the testament is the relationship you have today. ❤️

What’s she actually done though? Been a bit quiet and sad, and invited your husband’s cousin over?

OP is letting her spoil it. She doesn’t need to do that and it’s well within her control to enjoy her holiday still.

I lost my mum four years ago and I swear some days it hits me more than in the days immediately after. Grieving is unpredictable, it doesn't conveniently go away when you're in company.

Maybe when the holiday was arranged she thought she'd be in a better place. Maybe she knew she wasn't ready but was worried about letting people down by not coming.

MN is brutal sometimes.

Me melodramatic!? 😂Okay.

How can MIL have some foresight when she might not have realised how going on holiday without her husband was going to make her feel. Sometimes we don't know how we are going to feel about something until we do it.

I will 'give it a rest' as you say, when some people on here have some bloody compassion for a grieving widow. Complaining that she is moping? FFS!

Maybe her son wanted her there and she’d hoped they could feel closer over their shared grief, and she went for the grandchild too. Maybe she was hoping to see her niece who she seemed close to (more comfortable with), maybe a lot of things together with her grief. Perhaps she regretted going and it didn’t feel she could express this. Maybe, unlike what the dil professes, they don’t get on that well. We can’t know. What we do know is she is grieving.

Yes, I've revised my comment.

I still stand by my earlier comments if the MIL was being horrible or negative or complaining and actively ruining others' enjoyment which is the impression I got at first reading, for whatever reason. That's why I said that's very different to being sad. Grief, however awful it is, is not an excuse for behaving badly with others. But in this situation that isn't the case at all! So if you keep reading you'll see that I've already adjusted my answer.

Anyway I'll let people read through from now on rather than replying every time someone doesn't join the dots. I mean at least I bothered to come back and take it back!

I understand why she's upset but I'd leave her to it if she's not up for doing stuff. Offer her the opportunity - oh Sally we are just off out to the beach, you're welcome to join? If she declines - want us to bring anything back for you? Just try to be supportive but don't let the sadness drown you all. DH should have a private chat and see if there's anything that would make her feel better. Perhaps some 121 time for them and you escape for some me time for a few hours?

I agree. If she was still so grief-stricken as to not enjoy it to the point of ruining it for her loved ones she should have had the self-awareness to not go.

I know! It’s just a ‘funk’ though.

A life changing traumatic loss is just a funk.