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Original poster

MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

338 replies

Summerispantsthisyear · 06/08/2025 15:12

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 11:33

Moveoverdarlin · 06/08/2025 18:09

I would say to the whole family while making breakfast tomorrow - ‘Right chaps! Let’s get up and at ‘em today. We can go to the pool, head in to the town, or hit the beach, we’ve got dinner booked for 8pm so let’s have a great day. I get 21 days annual leave a year, this is 14 of them, so let’s make the most of it. Sue? Happy if you want to stay here and we’ll meet you for dinner later’.

I think you need to carry on without her. She’ll drag you down if you keep trying to include her.

Urgh. Did you used to be a redcoat?

Unilaterallyinsane · 07/08/2025 11:17

Bloody hell, the competitive grieving on here is amazing but not in a good way.

So many brave souls on here who cracked on and didn’t bother anyone else with their grief. Well bully for you. Not everyone is as callous brave. Everyone is different.

SpaceRaccoon · 07/08/2025 11:09

I wonder how much of the venom is because the grieving woman is a MIL…

Most of it.
9 months is fuck-all after losing your life partner as well.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/08/2025 10:22

It all kind of ties in for me with other threads I’ve read - the ‘making memories’ , ‘family time’ ( that just usually means you - partner if there is one and your kids’ - and then when it goes wrong moaning that ‘family’ aren’t interested /wont help them out - I myself am not mega extended family minded purely because I had incredibly odd self centred parents- and my sibling did a vanishing act years ago - however even I wouldn’t show a lack of empathy in this situation - I do think so many people are incredibly hard nosed and self obsessed these days and yet ‘all there ‘ if it comes to inheritances or needing help from extended family - in this situation i would just as I said ask if she wanted time on her own and crack on , maybe send her son out with her for an hour on their own - my H once spoilt a holiday somewhat with big work issues that carried on whilst away - that’s life -

Aethelredtheunsteady · 07/08/2025 06:34

Hisredipad · 07/08/2025 06:28

Jeez, for those of you that have never experienced grief of losing a partner I sincerely hope you feel ashamed of your comments on here if you ever have the unfortunate experience of being where many of us are left, without half our whole, never knowing when grief will grab you, the wondering if these awful uncontrollable feeling ever go away. To one day think ‘oh great I feel better ‘ but then have weeks and weeks of despair following it.

I’m going to hide this thread now, it’s truly saddened me as to how uncaring a whole lot of you are.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I wonder how much of the venom is because the grieving woman is a MIL…

Hisredipad · 07/08/2025 06:28

Jeez, for those of you that have never experienced grief of losing a partner I sincerely hope you feel ashamed of your comments on here if you ever have the unfortunate experience of being where many of us are left, without half our whole, never knowing when grief will grab you, the wondering if these awful uncontrollable feeling ever go away. To one day think ‘oh great I feel better ‘ but then have weeks and weeks of despair following it.

I’m going to hide this thread now, it’s truly saddened me as to how uncaring a whole lot of you are.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 07/08/2025 03:59

Tuningfork · 06/08/2025 16:12

I'm honestly astounded at some of these responses. She's widowed less than a year, for heaven's sake. Believe me, the throes of grief mean you can't second guess how certain situations are going to make you feel. She quite likely is finding it really difficult being in the midst of a happy family unit enjoying their holiday - it probably makes her new, lone situation even more stark and glaringly obvious to her.

When you say you had an 'honest chat' with her, what did you actually say?

@Tuningforkcan you read?
she has been on holiday before. At her age she should know better if she wasn’t up to it. Highly selfish of her to come and spoil it for everyone else.
and extremely rude to just invite people to an accommodation that you haven’t paid for without asking first.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 02:26

CyanDreamer · 07/08/2025 01:07

inviting someone on holiday, all expenses paid, is not making an effort for you?
I imagine they didn't force her to go.

You would be berating them if they'd gone on holiday and "abandoned" her wouldn't you

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Yep.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 02:26

VaseofViolets · 06/08/2025 15:22

Then she shouldn’t have gone. Seeing as she did, she doesn’t have the right to spoil it for anyone else.

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Correct. Grieving does not allow you to inflict your misery on other people, perpetually. And yes I have lost very close family members and grieved greatly for them. It's fine to stay home and shut the door and take as long as you need. It's not fine to ruin other people's holiday.

However, she may not actually realise she is doing that tbh. I'm afraid it is not a situation where you can speak to her about this. Not at all.

Lesson learned, do not invite her on any more family holidays until she is clearly coping far better.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/08/2025 02:17

No l wouldn’t. I’m not sure how not inviting her becomes abandonment. They don’t have to invite her. They chose to, and should have given some consideration to her emotional state. They seem pretty dim if they didn’t

We invited my mil in similar circumstances because we knew she needed support. And she did.

Maybe they just invited her to babysit for them.

Franjipanl8r · 07/08/2025 01:29

This is for your DH to deal with, it’s his mother and it was his father who died. You saying anything is insensitive.

Wynter25 · 07/08/2025 01:10

Yabu

CyanDreamer · 07/08/2025 01:07

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/08/2025 01:03

Are they?

Theyve taken her on holiday with no understanding at all of how grief affects people or how she might behave. Then they expect her to be all happy and fun.

Dont see much huge effort on their part. Why did they take her if they’re just going to moan?

Show quote history

inviting someone on holiday, all expenses paid, is not making an effort for you?
I imagine they didn't force her to go.

You would be berating them if they'd gone on holiday and "abandoned" her wouldn't you

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/08/2025 01:03

CyanDreamer · 07/08/2025 01:01

bit rich to attack them when they are the ones making huge efforts and trying to help her

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Are they?

Theyve taken her on holiday with no understanding at all of how grief affects people or how she might behave. Then they expect her to be all happy and fun.

Dont see much huge effort on their part. Why did they take her if they’re just going to moan?

CyanDreamer · 07/08/2025 01:01

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/08/2025 00:53

And her emotionally dense ds and dil shouldn’t have offered if they weren’t prepared to help or accept her.

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bit rich to attack them when they are the ones making huge efforts and trying to help her

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/08/2025 00:53

Bewareofstepfords · 07/08/2025 00:03

MIL shouldn't have accepted the (very kind) holiday invitation if she wasn't prepared to at least try to enjoy herself.
I don't suppose anyone forced her to go
She should have stayed at home either in silent contemplation or offloading onto someone - ideally someone outside the family.

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And her emotionally dense ds and dil shouldn’t have offered if they weren’t prepared to help or accept her.

Bewareofstepfords · 07/08/2025 00:03

Movinghouseatlast · 06/08/2025 15:36

Christ alive, some of these responses are horrific.

How would you all feel do you think if your husband had died less than a year ago? Would uou want people telling you to 'enjoy your holiday'?

MIL shouldn't have accepted the (very kind) holiday invitation if she wasn't prepared to at least try to enjoy herself.
I don't suppose anyone forced her to go
She should have stayed at home either in silent contemplation or offloading onto someone - ideally someone outside the family.

SammyScrounge · 06/08/2025 23:39

Thanksman · 06/08/2025 20:34

Maybe her son wanted her there and she’d hoped they could feel closer over their shared grief, and she went for the grandchild too. Maybe she was hoping to see her niece who she seemed close to (more comfortable with), maybe a lot of things together with her grief. Perhaps she regretted going and it didn’t feel she could express this. Maybe, unlike what the dil professes, they don’t get on that well. We can’t know. What we do know is she is grieving.

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Maybe she just wants to be amongst her family.. Maybe she couldn't face being left alone in an empty house. @Thanksman is right and her son wanted her to be with them all.not able to leave hiss Mum on her own.
His mother will benefit from being among them all. It's a comfort for her.

SnobblyBobbly · 06/08/2025 23:27

Wow. There are some real arseholes on here.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/08/2025 23:21

@stayathomerand checking the insurance policy first of course . I honestly believe plenty of marriages and live in partners these days particularly amongst under 50s areasharing costs business like arrangement

Rosscameasdoody · 06/08/2025 23:05

bmitwt · 06/08/2025 17:20

I’m old and I would not behave like this. Maybe you could offer her to go home as she is sad.
My mother was like this on a holiday with my sister’s family. We still talk about it and she has been dead since 2003! It turned out that it was the start of dementia. She was 78. Shock can often tigger dementia.
If she won’t go home ————
Enjoy your hard earned holiday. Try and let her “be” and you go out and have fun. 🤩

Wow. She’s grieving and it doesnt fit with the happy holiday scenario, so let’s send her home alone !! Christ.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/08/2025 22:57

Bonden · 06/08/2025 22:51

How do you know she is “wallowing in self pity”?

I’ve seen the term used on several threads to do with the treatment of grieving friends and family members. Such empathy !!

Rosscameasdoody · 06/08/2025 22:55

Confabulations · 06/08/2025 21:58

My mother is of that generation (cusp of Boomer/Silent) and is exactly as the PP described. She went from parents home aged 20 to her marital home and is now in her 80s learning to navigate the 21st century and it's complexities completely unprepared for the challenge on her own. She didn't go to uni, she didn't have relationship breakups, she didn't have a career or any form of paid job.

The thing with generalisations is that there will always be some exceptions. Great for you and your friends if it doesn't apply to you. It does to a huge proportion of women born in the 1940s, whichever side of the split between generations.

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This. And I think it brings home what is probably the reality for MiL - that this is probably the first time in her adult life she has ever been alone. I lost my DH eight years ago after over forty years together. I went straight from living with parents to getting married and moving into the marital home. DH and I had been together since I was seventeen and the first thing that hit me was that I had never actually lived alone. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lost a life partner can really understand how much your life changes. You don’t just lose a partner, you lose a whole way of life and it takes time to adjust and work through the rollercoaster that is the grieving process. Judging by some of the callousness on this thread there are quite a few people here who haven’t figured out yet that when you’re in a relationship you have a 50/50 chance of experiencing the death of your partner, that it can be at a moments’ notice, and who will struggle to cope if they are the one left behind.

Bonden · 06/08/2025 22:51

How do you know she is “wallowing in self pity”?

Rosscameasdoody · 06/08/2025 22:47

SmurfnoffIce · 06/08/2025 22:38

Well, OP hasn’t come back, so she’s either having a much better time on holiday than she expected - in which case, problem solved - or she didn’t get quite the universal chorus of “Poor you! How dare MIL ruin your holiday” that she hoped for.

I have sneaking suspicion it’s the latter. I do wonder whether she would feel the same if this was her own mother, and I also wonder how her DH is coping, as it would seem that he’s lost his father.

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