MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

She probably didn't realise how upsetting and lonely it would be to be without her husband on this first holiday. Depressing as it may be i would cut her some slack.

Nope. Generously… I hope it means the holiday is improving for them all.

That’s such an apposite diagram.

She was widowed at the end of last year - so less than a year ago - and you’re irritated by her moping?! Try having some empathy, she’s grieving.

I haven’t read all the responses but from one’s that I have I can see that some of you have never lost someone you love. Grief is incredibly hard, it’s not linear and the smallest thing can be triggering. It’s changes who you are as a person and how you see the world. Her whole life has changed, she’s lost the future she thought she had and she’s allowed to feel sorry for herself. The fact that she’s even made it on holiday is a wonder. Holidays are hard, they remind you that everything has changed and your person is not there to share it with you. Maybe try and be a bit more understanding.

Absolutely, you cannot predict what will throw you off with grief

I think you made a spelling mistake.
It's spelt GRIEVING not mope* hope this helps.

Wow. She is in deep grief. That lasts a long time. Why would you expect her to ask your permission first if she wanted to invite them over for drinks? It is a joint holiday home as much hers as yours. You lack empathy I am afraid. No idea what you said to her but what ever it was it probably made her far worse. Your DH is also in grief for the loss of his Dad too although over that more or less now. Cut her some slack.

Wow - some really unempathetic responses.

She's not being selfish she's recently widowed.

The least her family can do is support her and try to spend time with her. Of course they also have a right to enjoy their holiday so a balance needs to be struck.

My aunt was widowed young about 15 years ago, my parents took her on holiday with them not long after and she cried most of the time, my mum just let her grieve and tried to support her.

She's allowed to feel. She doesn't have to be happy or pretend to be happy just because she's on a holiday she hasn't paid for and is nice/good. If she isn't feeling pressured to 'enjoy herself' she might start enjoying some of it.

Worth focussing on her behaviour (not her mood or her feelings) and how to respond to it. The barely speaking to anyone thing is a bit rude and doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Is it 'attention seeking' style where your best response might be to ignore her till she starts communicating?

Inviting people to join her for dinner seems like a reasonable thing adults do when they're on holiday. You don't own her time.

What conversations did you have about how activities you'd do together/ those you'd do separately before you started?

What's the weather like? Is she struggling in the heat more than she expected?

I think you've got:

• grief
• mismatched expectations
• maybe heat

all combining in unhelpful ways. You can try to set clearer plans for time together and time apart and plan for time together to be in air conditioned places or at cooler times of day. Other than that there's not much you can do other than deciding not to holiday together in future.

She is still grieving, not selfish! I had a similar experience with my daughter after my husband died. It seemed a nice idea at the time but in reality it was a huge mistake and very difficult and upsetting when one is wanting her happy family holiday and you are realising your 'happy' holidays with your husband are gone!

She was widowed less than a year ago and going through everything without him for the first time. Although most people would put on a brave face and be thankful but maybe she is just so sad she can’t

Did the OP ever return to answer any questions? There’s a story being written here with very little detail from the author.

MIL should have them all to support her? Her son and DIL. What I'm trying to say is it's completely understandable she's going to feel sad and finding it hard and it's ok for her to voice that but if it's constantly all day every day then that isn't fair on everyone else.

That’s nice dear.

What a horrible example of a strawman.

The OP is not complaining the MIL isn't the life and soul of the party, she is complaining the MIL's grief driven behaviour is ruining their holiday, MASSIVE difference.

Completely agree! She's feeling raw and seeing families everywhere, it must be awful for her. If you've been visibly impatient, enough that she knows she's bringing the mood down, she'll have guilt on top of sadness. Be kind, be gentle, remember grief isn't one-size-fits-all.

But grief is inherently selfish by its nature.You can’t just snap out of it.

The other people on the holiday who list him are his son and DIL. And her ds has his wife to support him. MIL has no one.

Death of a lifetime spouse takes a long time to get over.

If I was in the situation where my wife had died and I was feeling really down to the point of borderline depression, I would not go on a holiday where I am expected to be happy and join in as though nothing is wrong. Secondly, I have lost close family relatives and it didn't take me months to get over it so there is no chance I would be in that position in the first place. Grieving over a loved one does not make it right to project your misery onto other people, everyone loses loved ones eventually but I'm willing to bet most of them don't behave like that. If you really are struggling to cope with loss after several months, counselling is the way forward.

There's a balance between feeling grief and sadness and not letting is affect everyone else around you. It's reasonable for her to say she's feeling sad and upset and to have those moments, but if she's saying it multiple times a day and bringing everyone down with her it makes it difficult and affects everyone's enjoyment of their own holiday too. She sounds like yes she's grieving as it's still recent but she's only thinking of herself too. Everyone else on the holiday lost someone too.

A lot of people seem to have to ‘perform’ after losing a partner. I think they don’t like to move on because of ‘what people might think’ if they were seen to be happy.
I was delighted, I had no problem at all, totally fed up with the miserable b. It’s wonderful without his miserable face, and his arguments. Time to move on, and live!

Surely your DH is still grieving too? He’s just lost his dad.

But widows are one of the most judged women in society. She’s being blamed for being too “quiet and sad” a mere half a year after her husband’s death, but I guarantee if she was up Greek Dancing, smashing plates and making dates with Jorge the local Greek waiter, you’d be saying it’s too soon for her to be happy.

Being the “perfect” widow with just the right amount of sadness (that doesn’t dim anyone else’s happiness) and a perfect dash of “coping” and “jollying along” is fucking exhausting and impossible; it’s akin to being the “perfect” rape victim. People judge you for the clothes you wear, the words you say (or don’t say) the look on your face, whether you’re too sad, or not sad enough.

It’s a fucking awful position to be in and I’m surprised that the OP’s husband hasn’t taken it upon himself to spend some more time with his mum.

I’ve lost both a fiance in an an accident and a brother to hidden heart defect. This thread is mumsnet finest. I think you need to cut her some slack. Grief is both disorientating and powerful and crops up at the oddest of times. It’ll be hitting your husband as well I’m sure, just in different ways.

YANBU This must be awful for you.
It seems that MIL is probably still grieving and trust me this takes time. Having been through the same years ago it took me more than two years to pluck up courage to go away on holiday, even then it felt too soon, and strange, but I got on with it. No way would I have gone on holiday before then because I was still feeling mopey and wouldn't have wanted to inflict that on others. Maybe MIL feels the same and doesn't want to insult you with refusing the offer of the holiday. I think this is a difficult time for her 😕

Let me translate: the poor woman lost her husband less than a year ago and you’re annoyed at her for not being the life and soul of the party.

What a horrible selfish person you are.