MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

I have been thinking about this poor woman and just wishing I could feel sure she could be comforted by someone. Very many people on the spectrum cannot feel empathy however and do not mea to be unkind.

Me too. It would be utterly exhausting.

My Mother never recovered from the loss of my Dad. It was a long, painful 9 years that no amount of help, support, therapy, medication, distraction could change.

Within a year of the loss is no time at all. You can only get on with your holiday and offer as much support as you can.

She is grieving, she may be in this state for a few years. People cannot just giddy up just because they are in the sun in a nice apartment. If you are going to be kind see it through...let her be who she is in this raw stage she is in.

Ugh.

When I’ve been very low this approach makes me worse. And it made me angry.

what then? Join them?

What's to say that she isn't thinking of that?

The only way, surely?

Oh come on. She shouldn't be allowed to see joy in things while grieving? Get over yourself

@Piknik that’s a great way to react .

Just go and do activities and let her reflect on her grief. Is it first holiday with DH. Or maybe they have happy memories of Greece

just crack on with your day and let your DH entertain his mum

Yes great idea, this way she might forget her DH died not that long ago.

I agree her world has stopped while everyone elses is carrying on she needs a big hug and some understanding.

I know where your coming from in that it's a family holiday we have such big expectations to want to have a lovely time.
In mil defence she is very early on in her grief and seeing people smiling and laughing carrying on with life can be hard and feelings are unpredictable the world carrys on regardless even when our worlds feel like they are in chaos ... give her time I'm sure she doesnt mean to put a dampener on things x

Empathy is in short supply, poor woman is no doubt in a lot of pain.

Absolutely. Spot on. Hope that should undo anything that you might have said about her “moping”. Hope you might be able to conjure up a sympathetic demeanour and how about a little hug?

Op can I make a suggestion?

I think you address it in a different way.

Something like "Carol, I think I underestimated how hard this was going to be for you and how raw your grief still is. It has thrown me off a bit because I was hoping a holiday would cheer you up and be a jolly occasion, but you are obviously not there yet. I'm sorry if I have been clumsy in my understanding of how much you are struggling.

Obviously we are here with the DC and want to give them a good time so we're going to crack on and will keep inviting you to join us but with no expectation. And if you'd like a chat about XXX one evening once the DC are in bed, we could do that too.

I really hope that you are able to enjoy a couple of fun evenings or day things with us but, as I said - no expectation"

And then you go about your holiday.

Just be very upbeat.
Oooh let's go for breakfast
What a fantastic day for a swim
Look at that blue sky
I love Greek food where shall we eat tonight
Etc

Does it matter if it isn't her first holiday without her husband?

Finding some of the comments on here about a recently bereaved woman quite distasteful.

If that's how she wants to spend her time let her get on with it, she's an adult! It's still so raw for her and there's no timescale or set behaviours for grief. She's clearly still suffering a lot and can only join in with things when she feels ready. Try to have more empathy and dont push your own expectations on her, if she wants to cry alone on her balcony that's what she needs to do to get through it. Xx

It isn’t her first holiday without him, why bother going if you know how miserable you’re going to be while on holiday, wasted a lot of money just to sit in an apartment on her own bringing everyone else down who’s doing their best to try help. In all honesty I’d just leave her tell her if she wants to come do things with them she can and if she doesn’t then that’s fine they’ll go anyway.

Your MIL is suffering from grief & I can completely empathize with her having gone through it myself. I'm afraid you need to have some patience & understanding but don't let it ruin your holiday just get on with enjoying yourselves.

Exactly. Some of these responses are awful. Getting over a bereavement isn't a linear process. Some days may be worse than others. After less than a year, you cant expect someone who's lost their partner of many years to be over it. Carry on with your holiday, do what you need to do to enjoy the experience but do it with understanding and consideration for someone in pain. It's not that hard to do [empathy].

I know. Where is peoples empathy these days🤷‍♀️

It is not the majority of posts...it's a few at the beginning, one of which is mine and I've already retracted it because I had misread the situation. It is actually possible for a bereaved person to be in the wrong sometimes, and also to behave very badly, which is another story to be fair because MIL hasn't behaved badly in this situation.

It's a handful of people and the vast majority are coming from the other (your/my) perspective.

I really hope that OP hasn't returned because she's thought better of her initial stance, has taken things on board and is looking after her MIL/DH (who is also bereaved) where needed and also enjoying her holiday where possible.

I cannot understand the majority of posts here. The poor woman is grieving the loss of her husband. 3 years on and my mum is still grieving, has quiet moments, is angry, tearful, all you’d expect but I’d never mean and complain that she’s ruining something.

for those of you saying she shouldn’t have gone. Do you really believe she’s choosing to be this way? She would have thought it would be great, but now she’s on holiday she’s being reminded of all the times she holidayed with her DH.

some people have obviously, luckily, not lost someone close, and seriously need to give their heads a wobble.