MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

I wonder what the honest chat involved too,

That.

I'm a widow. I had two holidays with my daughters in that first year, and though my husband/their dad's absence was hard, it was really important to me that the family relationships were strengthened, rather than damaged during that period. So all three of us were determined to make the most of both trips, while having the option to have a bit of alone time when needed.

I get that not everyone is able to respond in the same way, but in the situation in the OP, I think it's important that OP 's immediate family 'crack on'.

It's possible for OP and her DH to sympathise with MIL and recognise that she was over-optimistic in accepting the invitation, but still make it clear to her that they and the children will be doing the things that they planned. If MIL isn't up to it, they understand and will let her have the time to herself.

I find that acting as I wish to be, changes my mood. She needs to give her head a wobble.

I have lost people close to me and NOTHING is going to fill that void, but if you sink into it, what then? Join them?

Just jolly along and then leave her to it.

"She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset "

She took the initiative to reach out ask someone she wanted to see over and they didn't come. She got shot down when she reached out. Of course she's upset. She had something to look forward to. Then, it seems like you think she should have asked your permission. And you had a "chat" with her.

It almost seems like you're treating her like a misbehaving child. What boundary did she cross in iting her niece and partner for a drink?

Go do your holiday thing. Your impatience with her struggling will not help at all and I would bet she's picking up on your vibe.

I'm honestly astounded at some of these responses. She's widowed less than a year, for heaven's sake. Believe me, the throes of grief mean you can't second guess how certain situations are going to make you feel. She quite likely is finding it really difficult being in the midst of a happy family unit enjoying their holiday - it probably makes her new, lone situation even more stark and glaringly obvious to her.

When you say you had an 'honest chat' with her, what did you actually say?

YABU. Imagine if your husband died, how soon after that would you be up for being jolly?

Given that you normally get on well with her, surely it’s more likely that she’s struggling than being deliberately belligerent?

You say she’s been moping all the time, but there are few specifics. I don’t really see what she did wrong by inviting her niece for a drink - does your husband not like his cousin? Maybe she thought that having other relatives join you for the evening would force her to gee herself up a bit. Now that they’re not coming, it’s another disappointment, and she’s back to square one.

You don’t even mention what your husband thinks. Is he also impatient with her?

I would try to be sympathetic given the circumstances. Could it be difficult for her to be staying with your family - it may remind her of what she has lost and make her own isolation seem worse, and have been triggering for this reason. FWIW I don't think it was that bad of her to invite over her niece without asking your permission first. And this does make it sound like she is trying to shake herself out of it. I can see it is a difficult situation but I would try and have some empathy. Perhaps your or your DH can try to speak to her about how she is feeling.

Honestly my MIL seemed to suffer PTSD for nearly two years following the loss of FIL.
When we invited her for Christmas there were a number of occasions when she behaved abruptly.I did feel it was a bit unfair on her grandchildren. DD1, then 9, asked her if she wanted her presents passed to her and she replied "No thank you, I'm not interested in them". When I found her sitting alone in the hallway I asked if I could do anything to help she said "Christmas is to be endured, not enjoyed".
At the time I probably felt a bit like you but, in retrospect, 10 months was no time to have adjusted to the loss of the love of her life, and it wouldn't have been kind not to include her in shared family time because it took the shine off happy occasions. It's all part of being a family.

You sound like a lovely DIL and I don't blame you for being pissed off about her moping.

I think the time has come for you to leave her to it and get on with your family holiday. I hope she perks up a bit or gets a n early flight home!

all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity

It's called grief

So she’s been quiet and sad. I think that’s entirely understandable, she is really freshly bereaved and I wonder if inviting the other family members for drinks one night was in an attempt to establish a bit more normalcy and family-feel to things. What was the conversation last night about? Was it: “How are you feeling, is there anything we do to make you feel better?” Or was it: “You’re spoiling our holiday by moping, can you stop it please?” Very different conversations…

I would give her the time and space she needs - sometimes holidays work to take us out of our feelings and give us a breather from normal life, sometimes they work just to highlight sadness and what is missing, and you don’t know which until you are actually on holiday. If it’s really impacting on you then presumably you can do some activities without her (and with her agreement)?

Imagining your MIL was with her husband for maybe 40 years and now he’s died. Poor soul must be completely lost particularly around a couple. Give her a break, allow her grief. When I was bereaved it was so hard being around people who didn’t accept me and all my different emotions.

It might be an idea to have a straightforward chat with her and your husband.

Along the lines of full aware of how you feel about our collective sad loss but what can we do to enjoy the rest of the holiday?

This ^

Poor woman. She is still grieving. And for all those who think she should have declined if she didn’t feel up to it, she probably didn’t know how she would be affected by going on a family holiday without her DH. It’s probably bringing up all kinds of memories.

Maybe she needs some space, OP. Ask her what would help. Try and get on and enjoy your holiday despite her feeling like this.

Did you miss the it where her husband died half a year ago ...she's still grieving

I agree she probably shouldn't have gone, but that ship has sailed. I also think we've all agreed to something at one stage or another and then realised that it was a mistake. I think I would tell her your plans let her know she is welcome to join you if she wishes and then crack on with what you want to do

So her husband died ...what 6/7 months ago
And your expecting happy jolly grandma?
She will be grieving still
I think your expectations of her are two high
If he had died a couple of years ago I would agree with you ,but not half a year ago.
Put yourself in her shoes and think if you had .ost your DH ,would you be allowed happy and jolly after half a year ?
Poor woman

Tbf on reading it back she's not actually been moaning and whingeing. She's just being quiet/keeping herself to herself, which is understandable if she's sad or finding it difficult. Might've been the title but for whatever reason I read it as if she's been complaining and/or being negative, which isn't the case.

I think you need to let her take the lead, so if she just wants to sit and think, let her. Don't fuss over her and don't let her mood affect everyone else. Just check in on her every so often, maybe see if she wants to go for a walk with one of you once a day to get out and about a bit. Otherwise let her be. She's allowed to be sad!

Can’t believe the responses on here.

We took dmil on holiday about 10 months after her Dh died. She was all over the place.

Maybe she needs someone to listen. Thats what we did.

@Movinghouseatlast i think we very much in the minority!

I just think grief is so complex and individual. I’d be disappointed about the impact on my holiday (I live for my holidays!) but in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s more important to support the mil.

Id think differently if it was 5 years down the line and she was ruining every family event but a holiday after less than a year? More than likely the grief has taken hold.

Fucking hell that poor woman is newly bereaved. To be fair, she probably shouldn’t have come.

I have all the sympathy in the world for a woman who's grieving and I'm sure no one is expecting her to be jumping up and down with glee at all times. But sadness is not the same as being miserable, and there's really no excuse for being a negative nelly to the detriment of everyone around you.

It may be too late for this holiday, but I think this is a warning never to invite her again!

If she wasn't prepared to go and enjoy it then she should have stayed at home and declined your offer. Really selfish to go on someone's holiday and spoil it.