MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

Yes indeed. As a widow (9 years as of yesterday actually) some of these responses have almost had me in tears. I expect most of them are from women with husbands too and absolutely no concept of what it's like to be without someone you've spent half your life with - to never, ever see them again. It's like being hit by an express train, over and over. I hope they receive sympathy in equal measure when it's their turn.

The first and second year of grief really sucks. She probably shouldn't have gone.

I think the only thing you can do is go off somewhere and leave her to her thoughts. She should be encouraging it.

Tbh she's your husband's mother, it should be him chatting to her.

Maybe ask her how she would like to spend the rest of her stay or offer her an early flight home.if possible.

Oh no, you poor thing! You were really kind in inviting her along and I’m sorry it isn’t working out x

This sentence in particular is awful We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity = we've paid, you perform.

Of course she is feeling self-pity, her husband died less than a year ago. Honestly shocking attitude, this thread surely can't be real?

It's been less than a year since your MIL lost her husband, and she's still very much grieving. Presumably this is the first holiday she's had since her husband passed away? In which case, her emotions are going to be all over the place. She may feel sad he's not there to experience the holiday, but equally may feel guilty that she is. Grief is individual, there's no right or wrong way and there's no definitive timeline. You need to try and include her with everything, to keep her mind occupied. However, if she doesn't want to come out with you or doesn't want to engage, leave her be. Don't stay in because your MIL wants to do this, go out and enjoy yourselves. Make the best of the holiday.

Is it just me or is the first few post on most threads always so blunt and insensitive, 'leave your husband', 'kick your son out', 'she shouldn't have gone' 'selfish behaviour'. Then it's great to see the more logical, calm, considered, reasonable responses come through....

Anyway I can only imagine she agreed to go on the holiday thinking she was OK then the all consuming grief and realisation that she would never go away with her husband again has hit her.

I would be sympathetic but you can also spend some time away from her to let her grieve, try and enjoy yourself still.

Very much agree with this.

I'm also really shocked.
How is a recent widow supposed to behave?

I’m sure you’re not doing it on purpose but you’re being totally unrealistic and quite insensitive. She’s grieving. Her husband only died less than a year ago and it’s likely her first holiday without him. She probably thought like you it would be nice a break, bur the reality is it’s hit her like a ton of bricks and she’s struggling without him. There will be couples surrounding her and she probably feels very lonely. The last thing you should have done is have a chat with her last night. What she needs is a massive cuddle and reassurance that she’s doing amazing. She needs time and patience. Please look after her. There’s no handbook on how
to manage grief.

Let's hope you perform better if you're a widow one day.

I think what you have decided is 'moping' is most likely somebody grieving.

Is her son understanding of her grief OP?

Wouldn’t it also follow then, that her OH lost his dad and may also still be grieving ?

I feel for your MIL here. She is still in the relatively early stages of grief so life will be a bundle of anxiety and uncertainty for her. It is lovely that you have taken here away but a shame that she is not able to enjoy the holiday as you expected her to. Chalk it up, perhaps rethink any future invites with her. Try to make the most of the rest of your holiday and let her 'be' how she needs to be for the rest of her stay there too.

I voted that YABU and frankly am shocked that 70% think yanbu - the woman has only been widowed a year, cut her some slack and maybe you should have thought about this before your saintly invite. (waits for the huge backstory of how selfish and unreasonable mil was before bereavement!)

She was widowed nine months ago. What do you think. ?

Do you think irs grief or she's just not happy

Your OH can deal with this one. It’s his mum. You’ve said your piece. Get on with your holiday and try not to let it affect you too badly.

Have you lost a life partner ? Just wondering, because advising a widow of eight or nine months to ‘give her head a wobble’ for grieving is beyond callous.

A good example of what ?

Jesus some of the responses on here. Are people really that fucking lacking in empathy these days. This poor woman is recently bereaved and obviously struggling. She probably had no idea herself how she was going to feel on this holiday and may have thought it’s what she needed as you did. But actually going , the reality was different. I think you just need to reframe the holiday in your mind, it’s not going to to be a “normal” holiday (and tbh I think you were naive to think it would be) and adjust your expectations for the rest of the trip now you know your MIL is struggling as much as she is.

When you’re bereaved you don’t think straight for a long time afterwards, and the decision to go on holiday was probably not the wisest. But it's early on in her bereavement journey and she’s likely not in control of her feelings. OP should just crack on with her family’s plans and leave it up to MiL as to whether she wants to join in. A bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss.

Have you ever been bereaved? Do you understand the twists and turns that grief can take? This woman was widowed only eight or nine months ago. Perhaps holidaying in Greece has brought back memories of holidays with her DH. Perhaps she was doing OK at home but grief has hit her hard now. Best to have some empathy, but in OP's shoes decide to enjoy the holiday themselves.

Ignore her and enjoy your holiday.

You've done the best you possibly could, making everyone tense and miserable is going to make her worst anyway. She's not feeling better if everyone else is unhappy is she?

So think of it as giving a good example, and have fun. Hopefully that will boost her up a bit.

Agree with this.
“We’re going out for dinner/to the beach/whatever, are you coming?”
Just go about your holiday as you usually would, and give her the option to join in if she wants to, otherwise leave her be. You can still try and be supportive and understanding (it’s not unreasonable for her to still be grief stricken) without letting her drag you all down too.

Exactly. I was widowed eight years ago and l still have moments when l can be stopped in my tracks by a memory, a smell, a sound or a piece of music and l’m reminded that the grief may be packed away but it’s still there. Assuming ‘late last year’ means somewhere around November/December, it’s only eight or nine months since she lost her life partner. That’s not long at all, and this year she’s likely to have gone through a series of ‘firsts’ without her DH. She likely won’t have fully accepted her loss and she’ll certainly only just be getting to grips with her new life.

From personal experience. l went away on a foreign city break with a friend not long after I lost my DH. I was pretty much pressured into it by my friend who was only trying to be kind, and ended up going against my better judgement. I was miserable the whole time -all it did was remind me of how big the world is and how he wasn’t in it any more.

I was thankful it was only a couple of days and l tried to mask my distress but l couldn’t have kept it up any longer than that, so l can understand how MiL feels. She probably realises she’s made a mistake but can’t do anything about it and she’s likely not sufficiently in control of her grief to be able to hide how she feels.

There are some awful comments on the thread and everyone currently in a relationship would do well to remember that they have a 50/50 chance of being in the same position and potentially without notice.