MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

The point ppl are trying to make is her behaviour, which is to the point of ruining the whole holiday, is not OK. We generally know ourselves, if she was not in a good head space she shouldn't have accepted the invite or she still knows words, she can speak and say how shes feeling without behaving so badly, inviting others then throwing a strop that they are no longer coming.

Yes, and snap out of that 'funk', of course! 🙄

This is what I was thinking. Everyone’s grief is different. Poor woman. 🥹

My partner died when I was in my forties so I know how it feels-however it’s out of order for her to behave like this. I’m not sure how you can change a person’s outlook though. She’s very lucky you invited her, but I wouldn’t invite her again.

Fucking hell some of the responses on here, honest to god I despair.

The poor woman is grieving. Grief isn't linear and she is obviously really struggling and needs understanding not telling her that she is miserable and moping.

Everyone deals with things differently. Not everyone can 'just get on with it' and not everyone can just put a smile on when they are feeling broken inside.

Maybe she went because she thought it would be good for her but on getting there has realised how much she is missing her husband.

Her first holiday without him and she is probably thinking of all the things he is missing out on. God forbid that she feel a little down about it.

She probably feels lonely too. It is possible to be surrounded by people/family and still feel lonely and the void she is feeling from not having her husband with her could be really affecting her.

Have a bloody heart people.

Yes, in hindsight she probably shouldn't have come and may have been better at home.

The woman needs some space, some understanding and some gentleness and to be shown patience and some empathy. If she doesn't want to join in things then so be it. No reason for you to not enjoy your holiday too.

Put yourself in her shoes, or rather, hope you won't one day be in her shoes.

I remember decades ago, my grandfather died the day before my birthday.
It was my first death - I was 21.
But my grandparents had been married for over 60 years.
To keep things as normal as possible, my mum had the family get together for a dinner and brought Nana - she gave me card with some cash in it and she signed it “Love, Nana.”
That really got me.
But we laughed and told stories about Grandpa and even Nana had a nice time.
I miss them both.

She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. M

Is she sociable and not moping with her other children, siblings, niece etc and just saving her moping for you and DH? That would annoy me.

Depends what form the moping takes. If she's simply sitting there in her own world being sad and withdrawn, but being polite and not making unreasonable demands, then I'd respect she's feeling miserable, and tell her nicely that you understood, were going to carry on as normal and she could join in as she felt like it. If she's being demanding of your time, being overtly negative or complaining, then your H may want to set some boundaries about how much attention you can give her.

It’s such an individual thing - my FIL was very stoic and jolly on a holiday with us 10 weeks after my MIL died - his view was he had such a shit 18 months prior to this he was going to enjoy it but I get not everyone is like that - I would just say ‘you seem to be struggling a bit , would you like some time on your own and for us just to do our own thing- ??

Maybe she thought it would be good to get away but it wasn't until she was away she realised how much she missed him and maybe she didn't realise that she would struggle to enjoy it without him. Have a bloody heart.

If I say yes you won’t believe me, if I say no I’m wrong.

Death is part of life, she’s an older lady, not 40. Attitude is everything and I’m sorry but you’ve got to push on. It IS horrible, it is hard, it isn’t going to change.

My Dmum was the one that told me this, she still had my Ddad at that point, but not any more.

How frustrating for you that she agreed to come. She could so easily have stayed at home to continue her grieving.

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed OP. Lovely holidays in Greece aren't 10 a penny and I'm sure you've been looking forward to it for a long time. You and dh were generous and thoughtful towards your MIL and it hasn't been a success. That's a real shame.

Give her space. Poor woman.

There are some truly horrible posts on this thread.

Your poor MIL. She's not 'moping', she's grieving. Perhaps this holiday has hit her harder than she expected. It must be incredibly difficult to be on holiday without her husband after however many years they were married.

Everyone is different, everyone grieves in different ways. To those who are saying 'I've been bereaved and I wouldn't behave that way', do you not understand that loss of a life partner hits everyone differently?

When my dad died, taking my mum on holiday was absolutely the best thing for her. It helped her come to terms with his loss. But for my MIL, when she lost her husband, she couldn't bear to be around lots of family for about 2 years after, because all she could think about was how my FIL wasn't there. She'd become quiet and withdrawn, and leave as soon as was politely possible. For three years, she would rather sit on her own at home on Christmas Day than come over, even for a quick drink.

OP, you've done a nice thing to ask your MIL to come on holiday with you. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out quite as you had hoped. But now you need to cut the poor woman some slack, gain some empathy, and try to enjoy the rest of your time. If MIL needs a bit of space to wallow, then give that to her.

I’ve had people do this to me- invite me to things in the middle of horrendously painful periods in life and then be irritated that I’m a bit withdrawn at times and taking myself off. I didn’t know I would be sad, you can’t always tell in advance. Holidays create so much space for feelings to come up.
there was one particular person who did it a number of times, and I know that she very much rates herself as a Good Person and a rescuer. She meant well but was also was using me to feel good about herself. She continues to do it with other people.
They were such terribly lonely times for me. When you’re in that kind of pain the last think you need is to be given the message that you’re in the way and your quiet sadness/wanting to withdraw a bit isn’t welcome. Just give her space and be more tolerant , you invited grief on your holiday, please own that.

This completely.

Plan your days and invite her or leave her int hr apartment as she chooses.

Don't spoil your holiday but unfortunately she can't just cheer up.

It's reasonable of you to crack on with your holiday and have a nice time - of course, always giving her the option to come and be with you as much or as little as you're comfortable. Maybe bring her back nice things from your days out so she knows you were thinking of her, or offer some one on one time with her son? Sometimes it's nice to be invited even if you won't come - as long as she declines nicely and doesn't expect you to do nothing as well.

One thing I would say is that grief changes over time so don't assume she will be like this on all holidays from now on and not invite her. Especially now she's on her own!

"The bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved." ---Iris Murdoch

Be grateful you've never experienced widowhood, OP. Until you have, you just cannot understand.

Fuck me. I’ve seen some harsh opening posts and responses on MN over the years but this one’s a shocker. Some of the responses leave me embarrassed for the sheer lack of emotional intelligence of some posters. And, @Summerispantsthisyear, I’m including you in this. Your MIL is recently widowed and you say she’s “moping”? You clearly have no idea how grief can immobilise a person. No doubt you’ll say that she shouldn’t have come if she wasn’t going to have fun. But how could she possibly have known how she was going to feel? Leave the poor woman alone, enjoy your holiday, but have some fucking compassion for the grieving mother of your bereaved DH.

I’m old and I would not behave like this. Maybe you could offer her to go home as she is sad.
My mother was like this on a holiday with my sister’s family. We still talk about it and she has been dead since 2003! It turned out that it was the start of dementia. She was 78. Shock can often tigger dementia.
If she won’t go home ————
Enjoy your hard earned holiday. Try and let her “be” and you go out and have fun. 🤩

I think that's fair.

She's grieving. Having new experiences when bereaved can be agonising, because every time, especially something seasonal and annual like a summer holiday, you're thinking 'this is the first summer without X', 'this is the first time there's been an autumn without X in it' etc.

I absolutely get that grief is difficult to be around, but presumably you talked about this and recognised that she wasn't necessarily going to be the life and soul of the party before inviting her?

You’re mother in law is entitled to be miserable on holiday if she’s grieving.

you are entitled to have a good time. So keep gently inviting her along and carry on with your holiday.

you are not responsible for her happiness, and she doesn’t have to be cheery to please you either.

Yes. But people grieve differently, different personalities. And I guess he has his wife and DC, his core family, his future. Losing your life partner is losing your future. Nobody can really know how they will react in any given situation until it happens to them, and even when a person has experienced an event, another person may not, or will not, experience it in the same way.

It's too early for her, she is still grieving. A couple of days away would have been enough at this stage, you meant well but she is not ready for a big family holiday abroad yet. She can't get home easily from there, has nowhere to go. Leave her be in the apartment, she will feel better if no pressure is put on here. The rest of you can enjoy yourselves.