MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

This is patronising, as true as it is, she's grieving her husband.

Is she maybe feeling guilty to be seen to be enjoying herself OP?

Who invites a recently bereaved widow on holiday and expects them to be a barrel of laughs? She's not moping, it's called grief.

It could be possible she’s not moping but is in functional freeze (burnout). I don’t know how old your MIL is, but my mum is of the boomer generation who married at 21 and went from her parents house to her marital home. When my dad died nearly 20 years ago, even though she was only in her 50’s, this was part of the shock to the system. This generation sometimes have very little experience of living alone, and it’s just not the same as learning to deal with life alone in your 20’s or 30’s. Many of these women will have had shared finances at the very least, shared all spending decisions, bills, etc.
So it’s not just the grief - it’s also going to being the only one responsible for your life. That’s stressful. And like with any stressful situation, when you’re taken out of it for a while it’s sometimes not that easy to feel the relief - it can just expose that all there is in your life is stress, you’ve been fuelled by adrenaline.

THEN there’s the grief, on top. Which is separate. It’s been covered well here already how inadequately people understand this type of grief. I don’t, and my mum went through it.

To those of you who have said she needs to pull herself out of her funk and stop being miserable, I hope to god that none of you ever understand how difficult she is finding life right now. As a widow of 2.5 years I can tell you that it is incredibly difficult to navigate this passage and those that have never been there will simply never understand. At her point, I was in a darkness That I very nearly didn't come back from and that still hits even now.

Educate yourself about the profound grief that occurs when you loose your life partner and have some empathy.

To OP I'm sorry that this is difficult for you both to navigate. It's difficult for her and those around her. Try and focus on happy memories with your LO and treat her with grace where you can, trust me she is in a level of hell that I hope you'll never have to understand x

Fucking hell! Is this real? You sound incredibly self centred.
You can’t control how someone else behaves or feels. You can accept how it is with grace. She might just need some space to sit quietly whilst being around her family.

I assume she's still grieving for her husband.

Imagine losing your husband? What do you expect her to do, some cartwheels on the balcony? She’s mourning her dh and probably wishes he was there to share the holiday.
If it bothers you that much, go out and enjoy your day.

Wow

I would say to the whole family while making breakfast tomorrow - ‘Right chaps! Let’s get up and at ‘em today. We can go to the pool, head in to the town, or hit the beach, we’ve got dinner booked for 8pm so let’s have a great day. I get 21 days annual leave a year, this is 14 of them, so let’s make the most of it. Sue? Happy if you want to stay here and we’ll meet you for dinner later’.

I think you need to carry on without her. She’ll drag you down if you keep trying to include her.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m so glad no one said that to me after DH died. I would have thought them insufferably smug and patronising. Just goes to show we’re all different.

Could you offer to fly her home early - check flight prices first though

Nonsense.

She probably didn't realise that she wasn't ready to go on holiday until she was there. How was she supposed to know how she was going to feel? She probably thought a change of scenery would do her good and didn't know she would feel this bad.

Sitting on her own and not speaking much is hardly spoiling someones well earned holiday. If she wants to sit and reflect and be thoughtful then why can't she? Why can't people just do their own thing? Why can't everyone else just go out and enjoy themselves.

And as a grief counsellor I can tell you that ‘pushing on’ is nigh on impossible at nine months post bereavement. Grief takes time to process and it’s not a linear thing. You can be fine one day, and right back at the start the next. It doesn’t matter what age she is. Grief is different for everyone and the fact that the lady is older probably means she’s spent the majority of her adult life with her late husband. What she’s facing is a completely new life without her life partner. That’s monumental and nine months in is nowhere near enough for most people to process the loss and come to terms with it. I would be asking if there are any significant dates falling on the holiday, or has anything triggered a memory which she finds distressing. Or has seeing people in couples just made her feel more alone. This woman is in her first year on this journey and is likely to have faced many significant ‘firsts’. The lack of empathy and understanding posters are showing is astounding.

I don’t understand why it ruins your holiday

whats stopping you doing things without her, going swimming going for drinks etc

Could you ask how she'd like to spend the rest of her holiday? She might want/need some time alone if she does, then let her. You can still go and do what you planned. If it's nearby just tell her to text if she changes her mind.

Can you include her in the smaller decisions that don't require her to really do anything but shows you haven't forgotten about her?

*MiL we can't decide where to go/what to cook for dinner, what do you fancy?

If she doesn't want dinner, that's ok. I'd probably say there's some stuff in the fridge or some leftovers if you get hungry later and leave it at that.

*MiL we're at the supermarket, do you want us to pick up some more of that ice cream/snack/juice you like?

No she doesn't want it. That's ok, just grab the one you like.

*MiL if you don't feel like a picnic on the beach, I'll leave you some (insert picnic foods) in the fridge for you.

If she doesn't eat it, somebody will polish it off on a midnight raid of the fridge.

As another poster said, grief is not linear. Sometimes it comes back and kicks you in the face again. Perhaps she's been able to put on a brave face for short durations but can't do it 24/7. You're seeing the full picture of her grief. That's probably hard for her too. Bless her ❤

Grief can creep up when you don’t expect it too. It’s been 5 years since my mum passed but for some reason I found last Christmas quite difficult (even though I’d had several without her already). But that of course doesn’t mean that she should be putting a downer on the rest of your holiday, so I’d go about my holiday as normal, and she can join in if and when she pleases.

It’s understandable if MIL is feeling down, but if that’s the case then stay home or fly home early - you’ve got to put yourself in OP shoes and realise how draining this would actually be.

I wonder if she feels closer to/more comfortable with her niece and was looking forward to seeing her. I asked before OP, what does her son say?

You need to extend your mil more grace here. Everyone grieves differently, its not linear, she may have felt fine to come but is struggling now she's there.

In your shoes I would continue to include her so she can opt in/out as she sees fit. Have your nice holiday, your way, but giving her the space to join or take time to herself.

She's grieving. She needs to have the space to do that and be left in peace if she needs.

She possibly did think/hope that the holiday would be good for her, and would help and indeed, there could be only one way to find out. In reality though, it has probably made her feel the loss of her husband even more keenly at the moment because she is still in the very early stages of grieving and trying to heal after his death, which was only a few short months ago.

Some people on here do seem to have had an empathy bypass, perhaps including the OP. What was the "chat" you had? Was it "pull yourself together" in nature? I hope not, but only OP knows and she does come across as potentially that type.

Understanding and sympathy are needed but may be in short supply. People are not just suddenly over a major bereavement in a few short months. My FIL died 12 years before my MIL did. I'm not sure she ever got over it though she did get better at dealing with it. Same for my elderly mother. My Dad died four years ago and she will never really be over him - just deals with it better, at least on the face of it.

Just tell her the plans for the day and ask if she is coming. If she says no then go and enjoy yourselves and she can mope alone

i get that her husband died not that long ago but if she was going to mope she should have stayed at home

The holiday may well have exacerbated her grief and feelings of loneliness seeing you and DH together and remembering happy times with hers. Try and tell her you understand that

She lost her husband nine months ago. Decision making won’t be her strong point at the moment. And there’s no reason OP should have her holiday ruined - she can still stick to her plans and include MiL as and when she feels up to it. The lack of understanding of the grieving process on here is really concerning.

Sorry but I just can't get on board with all this "poor woman" stuff.

If she wasn't ready to go on holiday then she shouldn't have gone. She could have thanked OP for her generous offer and declined.

Maybe for some of you, holidays are easy to come by. For some people they are bloody hard to save for. And having that time ruined because you tried to do something nice would be really shit.