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MIL on holiday with us at the moment but all she has done is mope

338 replies

Summerispantsthisyear · 06/08/2025 15:12

We’re currently on holiday somewhere in Greece & have bought my husband’s Mum (who I get on with well) with us for around a week, she was widowed late last year & we thought it would be a lovely break for her, she’s close to our child (& we do not expect childcare at all) . We’ve paid for her flights & accommodation in a beautiful apartment but all she has done is sit on her own, barely spoken to any of us & wallow in almost self pity, making it really difficult for us to enjoy the first part of our family holiday. She took it upon herself without asking to invite a niece & partner of hers who are staying close by to join us at our apartment for drinks today but they’re now not coming, she’s upset & frankly I’ve found the whole first part of the trip exhausting having to tread on eggshells the entire time. I absolutely hate to sound selfish & thought we were doing the right thing but it’s been an absolute disaster & I feel horrible. I had an honest chat with her last night hoping things would change today but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears & we’re all back to square one. I feel awful even writing this but need to get it off my chest.

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Wicked123 · 11/08/2025 10:58

Strawberries86 · 06/08/2025 15:27

@VaseofViolets iv never lost someone close to me thank god but I imagine less than a year in grief is unpredictable and not linear.

Its disappointing to have a holiday effected but handle it with grace and the thought that one day, you might be in her position.

My husband lost 5 family members in 6 months, including his Mum and sister; this was a year ago and you’re totally right, it still hits him when he least expects it and it’s like he’s experiencing the loss all over again ☹️

HevenlyMeS · 10/08/2025 22:04

Yes, absolutely - Words truly don't do justice to express the shock at some's heartlessness & lack of compassionate empathy 🙏

HevenlyMeS · 10/08/2025 22:02

Immensely well said 💚👍💚
God Bless You&Yours

Topseyt123 · 10/08/2025 21:57

Gemmawemma9 · 10/08/2025 15:11

There are two issues though, aren’t there?
she was rude to sulk because niece couldn’t come. It sends a message that she’d be having such a better time if niece was there. Which is rude.

Nobody said she sulked. Upset//disappointed isn't the same as sulking.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 20:59

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 12:58

While she may still be grieving a loss, if she was going to be in this kind of mood, she shouldn't have come. This is your family holiday and you went above and beyond to include her. She is being selfish, not you. It's one thing if she wants to mope, it's another to drag you all down with her.

For her to react as she did out of disappointment about her niece is again just selfish on her part. She is not considering anyone else's feelings but her own.

At this point, I would leave her to sit and mope for as long as she wishes and get on with salvaging the rest of the time with your husband and child. She's already ruined the first half, and she will only be able to ruin the rest if you let her.

She's also being extremely ungrateful. If she's not capable of being a good sport, she should never have accepted the generous offer to join you.

A ‘good sport’ at nine months in to losing her life partner. Jesus wept - words fail me.

Mothership4two · 10/08/2025 20:29

Gemmawemma9 · 10/08/2025 15:11

There are two issues though, aren’t there?
she was rude to sulk because niece couldn’t come. It sends a message that she’d be having such a better time if niece was there. Which is rude.

Who said she sulked? OP said she was upset they couldn't make it which isn't that unreasonable

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2025 18:03

Gemmawemma9 · 10/08/2025 15:11

There are two issues though, aren’t there?
she was rude to sulk because niece couldn’t come. It sends a message that she’d be having such a better time if niece was there. Which is rude.

Or maybe she just wanted to see her neice

Gemmawemma9 · 10/08/2025 15:11

There are two issues though, aren’t there?
she was rude to sulk because niece couldn’t come. It sends a message that she’d be having such a better time if niece was there. Which is rude.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/08/2025 14:31

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 12:58

While she may still be grieving a loss, if she was going to be in this kind of mood, she shouldn't have come. This is your family holiday and you went above and beyond to include her. She is being selfish, not you. It's one thing if she wants to mope, it's another to drag you all down with her.

For her to react as she did out of disappointment about her niece is again just selfish on her part. She is not considering anyone else's feelings but her own.

At this point, I would leave her to sit and mope for as long as she wishes and get on with salvaging the rest of the time with your husband and child. She's already ruined the first half, and she will only be able to ruin the rest if you let her.

She's also being extremely ungrateful. If she's not capable of being a good sport, she should never have accepted the generous offer to join you.

😲 such compassion.

Mothership4two · 10/08/2025 14:17

Jesus @MyLittleNest the poor woman is grieving. It's not selfishness or mopeyness it's grief. She's lost her husband months ago after a long-term marriage and probably didn't realise how she was going to react. Hopefully OP and her DH won't leave her to sit and mope but will be supportive.

And what's the problem with asking family members over for drinks (a few hours out of their holiday) and why can't she take it upon herself to ask them? They are OP's family too. Unless there is some backstory, what's the problem?

Telling someone in the midst of grief just to be a good sport is one of the more stupid comments I have seen on this thread

MistressoftheDarkSide · 10/08/2025 14:09

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 12:58

While she may still be grieving a loss, if she was going to be in this kind of mood, she shouldn't have come. This is your family holiday and you went above and beyond to include her. She is being selfish, not you. It's one thing if she wants to mope, it's another to drag you all down with her.

For her to react as she did out of disappointment about her niece is again just selfish on her part. She is not considering anyone else's feelings but her own.

At this point, I would leave her to sit and mope for as long as she wishes and get on with salvaging the rest of the time with your husband and child. She's already ruined the first half, and she will only be able to ruin the rest if you let her.

She's also being extremely ungrateful. If she's not capable of being a good sport, she should never have accepted the generous offer to join you.

Nothing like treating a grown woman less than a year into widowhood like a recalcitrant child to let her know just how unimportant she is to the family.

Selfish and ungrateful eh? For "moping"? For reaching out to other family who are there by happenstance without "permission"? For being sad when that opportunity didn't work out?

These kinds of responses are why a good number of the bereaved end up isolated and suffering in silence.

I also wonder how much of this is driven by gender based expectations? Widowers seem to get a far better crack of the whip, with ongoing support and understanding for the loss of their help meet /PA. Widows on the other hand should be muscling through and putting everyone else first, because that's "the done thing".

Being a good sport is such a flippant turn of phrase.

And always the exhortation to seek professional support if you're still a bit sad after a few months, to spare your lived ones from the trauma and inconvenience of one's pain.

You know what's really difficult to experience? The sense of embarrassment and guilt when you admit you are struggling, and your confidante shuffles awkwardly because what are they supposed to do about it?

The bereaved know that nothing can be done because necromancers are a rare breed. Sometimes all they need is acknowledgement and a hug and company and a million cups of tea, until something gives one a tiny glimmer of hope that some sort of recognisable life will return, forever altered, but stable enough to build on.

The urging to "get over it" actually delays the process, because you end up mired in self doubt, guilt, feelings of being a burden and the over-riding sense that there is something wrong with you because processing a deep loss on both practical and emotional levels isn't happening fast enough.

I recommend a Facebook page called "Refuge in Grief" for anyone who wants genuine insight into the whole subject.

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2025 13:25

What is your dh doing to help his mum, why has it been left to you to talk to her, getting annoyed because she didn't ask your permission to have her niece over is mean and petty. Can you take the children out on your own, would she like to spend some time with her son,your dh, maybe they could go for a walk,visit the town or church. I would ask her if she'd like to go home and arrange an earlier flight.

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 12:58

While she may still be grieving a loss, if she was going to be in this kind of mood, she shouldn't have come. This is your family holiday and you went above and beyond to include her. She is being selfish, not you. It's one thing if she wants to mope, it's another to drag you all down with her.

For her to react as she did out of disappointment about her niece is again just selfish on her part. She is not considering anyone else's feelings but her own.

At this point, I would leave her to sit and mope for as long as she wishes and get on with salvaging the rest of the time with your husband and child. She's already ruined the first half, and she will only be able to ruin the rest if you let her.

She's also being extremely ungrateful. If she's not capable of being a good sport, she should never have accepted the generous offer to join you.

Lennon80 · 10/08/2025 12:52

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:23

I have lost both parents and a husband

What’s that got to do with it? I’m responding to the OP

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:23

Lennon80 · 09/08/2025 18:09

One day when your parent, husband or god forbid child dies you will regret this utterly ridiculous selfish post.

I have lost both parents and a husband

Discombobble · 10/08/2025 12:22

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:11

‘Spreading the misery around ‘? You think that’s what MiL is doing ? I agree that grief is a very personal thing but in general it’s a cycle - everyone moves through it differently, but essentially it’s a natural process. You can’t just put it away whenever it becomes inconvenient for others, and nor should you have to. OP invited her MiL on the holiday - what did she think was going to happen, that she was just going to leave her feelings at home until she got back ?

And MiL is trying to find ways of living her life. That’s the purpose of the grieving process. At a biological level the brain is wired to form strong connections - it opens up pathways which recognise a familiar routine. Grief is the mechanism to help cope with the pain of losing those connections and closing down those pathways.

As we move through the cycle the brain processes the reality of the loss, and opens up new pathways so that the bereaved person can eventually adapt to the new normal. It’s an important part of healing and moving forward in life. It can’t be rushed, it takes as long as it takes - and it’s not a question of ‘bringing everyone else down’, it’s a question of everyone else giving the bereaved person the time and space to adapt to their loss and not putting arbitrary time limits on their grief.

Fair enough, the problem is obviously with me - I don’t operate like that

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:18

Crikeyalmighty · 09/08/2025 21:09

@Piknik totally agree - I think a lot of people are incredibly transactional about relationships, it’s come down to sharing finances and making life easy ‘for many’ - deep feelings don’t really come into it - anything goes wrong and it’s ‘next’ !

That sums up nicely the general attitude on MN. The smallest transgression is met with cries of LTB. Not hard to see why over 40% of marriages end in divorce if this is an indication of the general population.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:14

Bluedenimdoglover · 09/08/2025 22:36

You and your husband did a lovely thing to take her with you on holiday and it's understandable that you are feeling upset that things have not been as enjoyable as you'd hoped. But the woman is a recently bereaved and finding it hard to be enter the holiday spirit. I cannot believe some of the responses you be are getting - if the same thing happened with their mothers, they might well feel differently. Don't feel resentful of her, if she wants to spend time alone, let her. Just do the things you normally do as best you can. Was her late husband your husband's father? He may be grieving, too. Cut her some slack and ignore the hateful responses from some here.

What hateful responses ? OP has essentially taken her MiL on holiday and expected her to shake off her grief less than a year into her bereavement, and just jolly along with the rest of the family. She’s actually described her grief as ‘moping’ and many posters have rightfully handed her her arse for her unreasonable expectations.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:11

Discombobble · 09/08/2025 11:19

So if you died, would you want those grieving for you to be miserable evermore, and spread the misery around? Grief is personal and everyone grieves differently, but it serves no purpose to bring everyone else down with you. You need to find ways of living your life

‘Spreading the misery around ‘? You think that’s what MiL is doing ? I agree that grief is a very personal thing but in general it’s a cycle - everyone moves through it differently, but essentially it’s a natural process. You can’t just put it away whenever it becomes inconvenient for others, and nor should you have to. OP invited her MiL on the holiday - what did she think was going to happen, that she was just going to leave her feelings at home until she got back ?

And MiL is trying to find ways of living her life. That’s the purpose of the grieving process. At a biological level the brain is wired to form strong connections - it opens up pathways which recognise a familiar routine. Grief is the mechanism to help cope with the pain of losing those connections and closing down those pathways.

As we move through the cycle the brain processes the reality of the loss, and opens up new pathways so that the bereaved person can eventually adapt to the new normal. It’s an important part of healing and moving forward in life. It can’t be rushed, it takes as long as it takes - and it’s not a question of ‘bringing everyone else down’, it’s a question of everyone else giving the bereaved person the time and space to adapt to their loss and not putting arbitrary time limits on their grief.

HevenlyMeS · 09/08/2025 22:39

Such a beautiful response & wholeheartedly agree with you
💚🌼💚

Bluedenimdoglover · 09/08/2025 22:36

You and your husband did a lovely thing to take her with you on holiday and it's understandable that you are feeling upset that things have not been as enjoyable as you'd hoped. But the woman is a recently bereaved and finding it hard to be enter the holiday spirit. I cannot believe some of the responses you be are getting - if the same thing happened with their mothers, they might well feel differently. Don't feel resentful of her, if she wants to spend time alone, let her. Just do the things you normally do as best you can. Was her late husband your husband's father? He may be grieving, too. Cut her some slack and ignore the hateful responses from some here.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 22:27

SparklesGlitter · 09/08/2025 11:27

So eloquently put. I’m 19 years in after being ‘widowed’ (he was my fiance so had to tick the ‘single’ choice on forms as soon as he died) I was 27, it was sudden and horrendous and not a day goes by where my breath is taken away by the shock I felt after he died, and then 3 years ago the sudden loss of my brother. I’ve had some very ‘impatient’ people around me. I’ve distanced myself from them and weirdly I never feel so bad when I’m around people who accept that I might occasionally feel sad, although I can control it now. With me it’s now ‘still waters run deep’. It’s usually saved for when I’m driving or in the shower. I’ve now accepted that this is me and ptsd after all the counselling I’ve had it still hits me suddenly. They were such great men, why wouldn’t I feel a gaping hole?

Edited

Exactly so. They say grief is the price you pay for having loved someone. So true.

Sadworld23 · 09/08/2025 22:10

springissprung2025 · 06/08/2025 15:59

Imagining your MIL was with her husband for maybe 40 years and now he’s died. Poor soul must be completely lost particularly around a couple. Give her a break, allow her grief. When I was bereaved it was so hard being around people who didn’t accept me and all my different emotions.

Bereaved after 35 (complicated) years, definitely this. I said to myself for the first 6 months, ok I won't kill myself today, I'll look at again tomorrow.

Mil sounds lost and her confidence rocked.
Are you eating out, does she have trouble deciding what to eat? It can be so difficult when bereavement hits to make decisions, even little ones. Is she financially secure or is she worried about money and worrying about repaying you when you go out.

Try not to let it spoil your holiday but kindness in this circs is gentle.

Hrft

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 09/08/2025 21:36

I think you're being a little unfair. My dad died a few years ago, he was quite young and it broke my mom, it broke all of us. We planned a family holiday last year as a sort of memorial trip, a way to get together as a family and go somewhere my dad would have loved. My mom was also quite mopey a lot of the trip, everything reminded her of him and she found it hard to enjoy herself without him. At some times it was a bit tiring for us too bc we were on this luxury holiday and she just wanted to sleep a lot but she was heartbroken. She enjoyed what she could but life without him is just too hard for her and she found it all to be too much, something that hit her while she was there and couldn't have entirely foreseen. Give your MIL a break.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/08/2025 21:09

@Piknik totally agree - I think a lot of people are incredibly transactional about relationships, it’s come down to sharing finances and making life easy ‘for many’ - deep feelings don’t really come into it - anything goes wrong and it’s ‘next’ !