Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

Sounds pretty stupid tbh

You've not said anything that suggests he's even planning to propose. Has he said anything to make you think hes going to?

Then by your logic she needs to leave him though... not just pledge to decline a proposal (which isn't coming by the sound of it)?

If you needed a proposal by a certain time, that time should have been before having children. Now you are just being ridiculous.

while an actual proposal event can be a bit of a surprise, it shouldn’t come out of the blue. A couple should know they are on the path to marriage and it’s nearing time for a proposal.

I think you should talk to him like an adult and see what's going on

This is the 21st century, why don’t you ask him?

"my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no"

Brilliant. Let him fail a test he didn't even know he was taking and punish him and yourself for not being a kind reader.

Completely reasonable.

He'd be dodging a bullet

He doesn't need to, does he? He's got all the benefits with none of the legal responsibilities in the event of him deciding to trade you in for a newer model or anything to suggest that he needs to worry about protecting you financially and legally if he drops dead tomorrow. It's not as if you've given him any hint that it could be important to you - as far as he knows, you've forgotten all about it now he's distracted you with children.

If nothing else accept for your financial security, unless all the assets are yours and you have a better job and pension.

Why not just say let's get married, it feels like the right time now we are settled. It doesn't need to be a big thing you have effectively been engaged for 6 years if marriage was always both your intentions. A formal proposal really isn't necessary just a chat about when, if he says no then that may show he is not as madly in love as you thought.

You can’t want to marry him that much or you wouldn’t have let it go undiscussed for so long or had multiple children with him.

I’d be telling him that we’re getting married this year, and did he have any preference on month or type of wedding before I got it booked.

I did the same with DH, as soon as we bought a house together and way before kids. I wasn’t waiting for a proposal - once he had made to clear he was happy to be tied to me with a mortgage it was important to me that we also went though the formality of a wedding. And then we got married just over a year later.

My in laws were living together for 25 years before they got married. They were happy both before and after their marriage. He proposed when the time was right.
If you want to get married, say yes.
If you really don't want to get married, say no.

That would be a sensible, rational adult approach to take.

So never going to happen

Why don’t you ask him, are you concerned that he’ll say no?

You’ve given him a mental ultimatum without him knowing about it. You could have proposed to him in the past six years and you haven’t - it’s 2025, you have a voice, you have agency, it’s not the man’s job to propose not matter what bluff old traditionalists still like to argue.

You did all the other big stuff just in an arguably different order. If marriage is such a big deal for you then you should absolutely have raised the subject both times you got pregnant from a financial security point of view if nothing else.

If he proposed you can say no based off an utterly subjective and arbitrary deadline you have set in your own head if you wish. Or you can consider if you truly love this man and want to take the next big step. If you would say no then what do you think that says to him about how much you do/don’t love him? Poor guy, he’s not done anything wrong here, you’re setting him an invisible standard.

Oooh @Agix you are causing quite a stir on the other thread you posted on this morning re the son refusing to go to holiday club!!

He's not going to ask you to marry him OP. I think you know that, and that's why you're convincing yourself that you'd say no anyway so it doesn't matter.

I think by the time you've got a house and children together, the moment for this sort of thing has passed. I'd think carefully about the pros and cons to you and your children of marrying and decide based on that, because you'll feel a dick if he then ups and leaves with his pension and savings and you're left holding the babies. Or maybe you're the one with the money, in which case maybe better not to marry. But either way approach it with your head screwed on.

she said no to…. Prove a point?

How so?

No it’s not.

He's probably thinking the same! Why on earth does it have to be the man who proposes?

We sat down one day to discuss our finances with a Financial Adviser and he advised that I would need to be married to have better protection as I was in a vulnerable position. Four weeks later we got married in a registery office. There was no proposal at all!

You sound confused about what you want, and I’m afraid also a bit crazy.

It sounds like there are the following issues:

1. You want him to be in love and propose because he can’t wait to marry you. Problem: You already know that is not the case as he hasn’t done that after 6 years and ?4 children.
2. The time for issuing ultimatums is when you are prepared to walk away. Are you prepared to walk away?
3. You’ve done all the wife privileges now, so what can you bargain with?
4. If you don’t want to marry him, do you still want to be with him? As a single mother with 4 young kids it’s probably not going to be better on your own.

Many people do not get the fairy take they imagined as children.

You sound ridiculously immature. Either get married or don’t, everything you’ve said is nonsense.

You obviously liked him enough to have DC and get a house so I don't see why you'd turn down a proposal that you've been wanting. It feels a tad dramatic, tbh.

Why do you want to be married and why have you been waiting this long without saying anything about it? When you fell pregnant you could have said right, let's do this. Before you got a house you could have said it would be easier if you're married first. Why sit silent? Maybe he's thinking since you haven't mentioned it again that you're not bothered?!