To not accommodate DH holiday plans

He can't mess his friends around but he has no problem messing you around. That speaks volumes.

Well, taking this trip/issue on its own, the answer is obvious: you have work meetings, so no, you cannot just accommodate his sudden change of plan. I'd just say that, repeat and refuse to be drawn into anything else.

Bigger picture, though: referring to staying with a gravely ill relative as a 'jolly' is in my book unforgivable.
I'd stick to my guns about this particular occasion, and then I would seriously think about the relationship.

This has got golf written all over it. I bet the selfish arse takes himself off for a full day playing every weekend too.

He's pushing your boundaries by the sounds of it. Just to see what he can get away with. You already know this though and I wish I had a solution other than putting your foot down.

Selfish wee shite.

Omg I can't even with all these bloody man- children.
YANBU. But he is. He's putting himself and his mates above you and your children.
It’s that simple.
Sorry but this isn't an equal partnership.

Sorry you are in this position @NotWashingTowelsDaily.

My take is that over the years he’s simply got used to taking “me time” as and when he wants and has lost all thanks and perspective about the pressure it puts you under.

It has become normal for him to behave like this.

Now you’ve pulled him up on this, rationally he probably realises he’s messed up (again) but he doesn’t want to admit that.

So attack is now the best form of defence. YOU ante being different. YOU are ruining his holiday, YOU are making him look bad in front of his friends.

However the truth is that he’s had years of support from you that has gone not just unreciprocated and unthanked, but given the last conversation in June he’s demonstrated that even knowing this he’s still happy not just to take but also to blame.

This is a problem of his making and one for him to solve.

Slamming around and sulking isn’t going to fix the problem. But he knows that - he doesn’t want to fix it. His behaviour is trying to bully you into fixing it by subjecting you to his foul mood.

It’s appalling behaviour on his part.

He had fair warning and he still PUT HIMSELF in this situation, so he can get himself out of it by returning a day early.

It sounds like you have an overgrown man child who is throwing a tantrum because he isn’t getting his own way 🤷🏼‍♀️

You have already spoke to him about dropping last minute travel plans on you and he chose to ignore that chat and do it again (albeit one day but still!!!) Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts, how he would shuffle things. You absolutely need to take more time for yourself as he is definitely taking your flexibility for granted!

Nope, my husband stopped ‘lads yahoo holidays’ once married and we had kids. Never asked him to, he just did it on his own..I certainly wouldn’t be amused at him doing it and screwing dates so I had to pick the slack etc. He sounds a little selfish and entitled and well, a bit of a knob really! Huge red flag for me and I’ll be watching carefully for other red flags before making an exit plan..

This is genuinely one of the worst things I've ever read on here, and I've been around since the days of Penis Beaker et al.

I've never made this offer on here before, but I've been a bit of a singer in my time, and I have some voice skills. If some lessons in quality, authoritative shouting online would help OP, I'm very happy to give you an online session. 💕

@NotWashingTowelsDaily Ask him breezily to let you know what plans he’s made for childcare on the Monday.
And then write on family calendar ‘Monday, dh sorting childcare.’

Do it!! And at short notice too. It seems he's just been giving you lip service. It appears he needs to actually experience it to see how flexible you're been for him.

He doesn't even appreciate it and is booking more. Why doesn't he care that he gets all these breaks but you don't. He's showing you what he thinks of you. There's a real lack of respect here and he's not trying to railroad you into appeasing him by having a tantrum of his own making.

He is a monumental arsehole and a selfish twat. How does he get to have so many holidays? Where are your holidays? And when does the family have a holiday?
I hope you won't be doing any preparation or washing for his jolly.

This. He's not behaving like a man with responsibilities.

What would he say if you told him he has to arrange childcare?

He can't mess his mates about but he can mess you about, repeatedly? Absolutely not, YANBU but he is.

Does he ever use his annual leave to spend with you? What do you use your annual leave for? This is all so unbalanced and his expectations of you are so unreasonable.

No, he did this on purpose to get you back.

Totally deliberate.

I would phone his mates and ask when they were planning to come back. Or phone the accomodation and ask till when it was booked. It sounds like your husband might have been lying all this time and is now forcing you into a corner. Lying is not ok. Forcing you into a corner is not ok.
Call him out in his behaviour. Tell his friends what a dickish move he’s doing on you. I bet his friends are nicer to their partners.

But his friends can all travel back on the Monday. It's only your DH that needs to be home on Sunday evening.

If he saw the two of you as a partnership of equals, he would discuss holiday plans with you before booking anything.

As it is, he's a prick.

”He can’t mess his mates again”.

But he thinks it’s ok to mess his wife every time??
Fuck that. It’s clear where his priorities are.
I hope you laughed very hard when he said that. Tell him he can choose between never messing you again and show you and your children the respect you deserve or sign divorce papers. He has no respect for you right now.

I suspect he was always coming back on the Monday and knew he was pushing his luck so didn’t tell you immediately.

But he has told his mates he will be coming back on the Sunday night as he is needed at home right?

That was the plan, he needs to stick with it.

Do you think he's "trying to get one over you"? So he reluctantly changed the dates because he has no logical argument about booking dates as though he's still single and doesn't have a family to consider, but he's still pushing back a little to show you who's boss? Either way it sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. That must hurt too.

I'd have hit the roof. But as PP have said - absolutely don't solve the problem for him. He has created this problem, he needs to solve it. His current attitude is attempting to create a child-parent dynamic with you where you're the mean parent and he's the carefree child. You can break that by being the adult - it's not about being mean or anyone deserving a break (or letting down his friends), it's the natural consequence of him booking the holiday for a day too long. End of.

On a longer term note, couples counselling sounds like a really good idea - if you can get respite care for the kids or someone to come in short term, which I know is hard with complex needs. It can be good for men like this to get some tough love from the counsellor. Alternatively get yourself some counselling so you can set good boundaries and not get sucked into his nonsense. Good luck OP.

@NotWashingTowelsDaily YANBU at all.

You made a plan together and agreed to him going away with his mates until Sunday. The fact he chose to ignore the agreed plan and come back Monday is NOT your fault or problem - its HIS problem.

If he wants to return Monday then he needs to sort alternative childcare, otherwise he has to return Sunday as agreed. He can only be angry at himself.

I'm afraid Id be telling him that if he's not back Sunday night as agreed then he is not coming back at all.

Regardless of the bigger picture, with regards to the August holiday why can he not just come back on the Sunday evening? I may have missed any posts whereby you said if this was an option or not. Surely most places you check out of in the morning so he’s not missing much.
it does sound like you’ve got stuck in a rut where you are taken for granted and his downtime is prioritised over yours.