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Original poster

To not accommodate DH holiday plans

230 replies

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 13:56

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

OP posts:
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Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 22/09/2025 20:21

I really hate this, he obviously understands organisation as he can organise the dates with mates, organise it with his work and book annual leave and yet the person/people who should be his number 1 priority don't factor in his thinking at all.
Personally I'd be point blank refusing, he can come back a day early as planned. I'd also then be having a chat and agreeing you both roughly have the same amount of personal time/time off life and agreeing the amount of notice required.
Yes he has a stressful job. You have a job, children with complex needs and apparently now him, to manage - you're presumably just as stressed and juggling just as much. I'm guessing you also get nowhere near as much time to yourself, and if you do get any it requires military level organisation and planning probably including leaving meals in the fridge and a full written up itinerary for him. Remind him that if you were divorced and it was his week with the kids, it'd be exclusively his problem to deal with, and nothing to do with you.

Donsyb · 10/08/2025 14:58

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 14:35

I said exactly this! As he’s also taking a long weekend mid August. And planning another trip.

He does find work stressful and commits to long hours so I do totally get the need to have down time. Especially with family life being complicated too.

If I announced I was going away by myself I’d get a formal interview and there’d be a bloody full risk assessment!

Show quote history

Why does he commit to long hours if he finds his job stressful? Surely that just makes it more stressful?

BlueFlowers5 · 10/08/2025 10:20

His social life isn't more important than your DC and your work?

Nikki75 · 09/08/2025 21:32

He needs to get his priorities in order fair enough he wants time with mates but it shouldn't be a priority over your work it's not fair.
Do you have time away op with your friends ?

pipthomson · 09/08/2025 18:46

Have you heard of “boundary-setting?” If you make a decision and stick to it (whatever it is it will help your self-esteem and you will be able to deal with similar situations in the future if you were giving advice what would you “tell yourself to do “?

LouiseK93 · 09/08/2025 16:04

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 06/08/2025 13:59

Is he designated driver? If not then why cant he come home a day earlier than his mates?

Poor love cant miss out on one whole day can he?

BluntLion · 09/08/2025 12:51

He sounds like a selfish arse OP.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/08/2025 09:11

JassyRadlett · 06/08/2025 14:18

He doesn't want to mess his mates around but is totally happy for you to mess your work around.

Great priorities.

This....

Like hell would I be completely rearranging stuff AGAIN!

I'd also tell him I'd expect him to sort his mistake without being a bear with sore head...

I suspect if you do, he'll just expect you to do it continually..

"Ah you took another day off in Sept at shirt notice when I decided I was coming back on Monday last time '...

Sharptonguedwoman · 09/08/2025 09:07

Third option? Can this twit arrange the necessary childcare for you to be available to work on Monday. He obviously hasn't learned the lesson at all. Imagine if you had a job which was completely inflexible about random days off? What would he do then?

Littlefish · 09/08/2025 09:02

C36M · 06/08/2025 18:10

Can the children go to a holiday club for the day? My daughter loves going to holiday clubs sometimes

Show quote history

And this is why you don’t just reply to the first message without reading at least the OPs subsequent messages.

Things have moved on.

FinallyHere · 09/08/2025 08:26

Handhold/hugs for you @NotWashingTowelsDaily

The people pointing out that he has consciously or unconsciously blamed you for the restrictions in your family life have, I think, got it right and that perhaps counselling might help him unpick this error in his thinking.

Hope you get some resolution of his mis treatment of you one way or another.

BellissimoGecko · 09/08/2025 08:16

Big hugs to you, OP.

How are things now? How will your h deal with his extra day of holiday?

You said in an earlier post that you had put a lot into this relationship. Has your h done the same?

Ohnobackagain · 09/08/2025 00:35

I think given you’ve only been away twice alone, one of which doesn’t count due to being someone ill, and he had the nerve to call it a jolly, you should remind him this is his second trip in 2 months and he is thinking of another. I’d also remind him that you are only able to flex work because of your great boss and because you plan ahead and so no, you can’t dick people around because they want ti add a day. What a selfish idiot! Fuming on your behalf. Do not get pushed into agreeing @NotWashingTowelsDaily

cherish123 · 09/08/2025 00:11

He sounds like a spoilt brat. He messed up. Your work is more important than an extra day for him.

HevenlyMeS · 08/08/2025 23:40

Yes completely concur with you sincere soul

Makingitupaswegoalong · 08/08/2025 19:09

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 15:14

Twice in the last 2 years. One of those was an overnight stay after visiting my seriously ill DF in hospital as it was too far to go and get back in a day. I remember DH asking why I was staying overnight and turning it into ‘a jolly’.

Show quote history

Your DH is a dick.

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 18:55

Bluedenimdoglover · 08/08/2025 13:45

He can come back a day early on his own. If he's afraid to travel without his mates, that's tough.

I wish they’d left the laughing emoticon!

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 18:54

lol,

yeah he can’t ask you to take a day off to cover for his holidays…because, he doesn’t want to mess the lads around????

😳

No. no day off. No moving your work commitments. He has to not take that extra day because it is planned too late…and you can’t do it. As he agreed on last discussion, you have a strong leg to stand on and that is why he left…coz it isn’t going to be peaceful.

Maintain your no.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 08/08/2025 18:34

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 13:56

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

He’s an AH. YANBU. Good for you on standing your ground.

Bluedenimdoglover · 08/08/2025 13:45

He can come back a day early on his own. If he's afraid to travel without his mates, that's tough.

YB1985 · 07/08/2025 20:31

I dont know and this has made me so angry for you!! you are definitely not in the wrong here. hes being disrespectful and clearly doesn't care

Stompythedinosaur · 07/08/2025 20:25

You have every right to be angry. He's being very disrespectful.

It says a lot about how he thinks of you as the only parent with responsibility for the DC that he even considered this.

Poshjock · 07/08/2025 20:23

@NotWashingTowelsDaily DH has had struggles in the past and I’ve tried hard to support him. I’ve put a hell of a lot into this relationship. He can be, and often is, a fun and happy guy when he’s not under pressure.

Oh this makes me so sad. You have been taken advantage of and taken for granted so long that your standards are on the floor. At a bare minimum you should be able to count on your DH as a team mate and equal partner and here you are patiently accepting the odd bone he throws you when he deigns to be in a good enough mood to share some happiness with you and it sounds like these are only very small and occasional bones at that.

Please look very hard at your life now - you deserve so much more than this. Honestly PPs are right that without his stress and disrespect you life could be better. Open your mind to the possibility and viability of life without him.

OnceIn · 07/08/2025 20:03

I’d tell him you have no issue with him taking an extra day with the boys, but he has to organise childcare to cover this day and it’s not something you can help him with.

TBH he sounds very selfish overall

StitchHappens · 07/08/2025 19:18

susiedaisy1912 · 06/08/2025 16:45

make plans to separate op. He will have to have his kids at set times then and you will probably have more ‘you’ time then than you do now.

This is not true. He won't have to have the kids at all. He might choose to, he might not, but she still won't be able to rely on him. I get to play that fun game with my ex. The difference is I don't expect to rely on him at all, and it is 100% easier purely because I know where i stand and am able to work around that.