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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be feeling so upset over this?

267 replies

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 10:25

Hi everyone, I just need to get something off my chest and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I’m really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment.
For context, over the years we’ve been on a few family holidays that included myself, my husband and our kids, my in-laws (his parents), and my husband’s sister and her family. While we’ve generally had good times but it's not always been 'perfect'. My husband and his sister parent very differently, and that’s caused a few minor issues in the past. Things like me saying yes to our kids having an ice cream and her saying no to hers – which then leads to meltdowns and somehow becomes our fault. Nothing huge, just little clashes now and then.
However, the last holiday we went on together a few years ago ended badly. After a minor issue about splashing in the pool, my sister-in-law completely lost it with my husband in front of everyone – shouting that he’s a rubbish parent, that I’m lazy, and even saying her kids are scared of him. It was really awful. She accused him of “puffing out his chest trying to be the big man” which couldn’t have been further from the truth. He stood silently and in shock, didn’t react, and just walked away and was actually gutted about what she said and they way she said it in front of everyone. It felt to me like it came from years of built-up resentment she hadn’t addressed. I still get quite emotional thinking about it.
After that, both my husband and his sister (separately) told their parents that they wouldn’t be doing any more big family holidays – the tension was too much. We cancelled the holiday we had already booked for the following year. We didn’t speak at all for months, but eventually we got to a place where we could be civil again. Things are ok now but nothing like before.
Now on to my problem... my sister-in-law recently booked a family holiday and invited my in-laws who agreed to going with them. They’ve all gone away together – and we weren’t even considered. Not even a message or conversation to see how we felt about it. My MIL only told us after it was already booked. I know we said we wouldn’t do joint holidays again, and truthfully we probably would’ve said no anyway. But to not even be included in the discussion – especially after working to be civil again – feels like a slap in the face. I wouldn't even consider asking my in laws to come on a holiday with us because I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to put my nieces and nephews in a position where they would feel excluded.
I’m heartbroken for my kids, who now see their grandparents and cousins on a holiday without them. It feels like such a massive step backwards for our family, like we’re being pushed out. I just can’t shake the feeling of being excluded and like we don’t matter. I've cried multiple times since they went last week.
Am I being unreasonable to be so upset about it or do I just need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:35

hmmimnotsurewhy · 06/08/2025 11:06

What feelings did you want to be considered? For them to sit you down and tell you the plans, and then ask you if it’s ok for them to go? Can you see how ridiculous that sounds?

I do now yes

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2025 11:35

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:00

Thank you. Of course they can go on holiday I just didn't think they would. I hadn't even considered going seperately with the in laws to avoid any further upset and awkwardness. I think maybe it's not the holiday i'm upset about but actually just the whole fall out?

Show quote history

Did your PILs take your SIL's side in the argument with your DH? Do you think that if your DH invited your PILs on a holiday with your family they would come?

Could you go on holiday with your family?

DappledThings · 06/08/2025 11:34

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:33

I didn't want an invite

Show quote history

But you wanted a conversation where you were reminded you weren't going to be invited before they went ahead and didn't invite you?

SummerInSun · 06/08/2025 11:33

I’m with all PP. I get on really well with my brother and his wife and family, but my parents regularly visit and holiday with them without us, and ditto visit and holiday with us without them, and it wouldn’t occur to anyone to be offended or feel left out. (My parents are meticulous about making sure they spend the same amount of time with each family though.)

I also think we all know that all of us being together and trying to do coordinate everyone and get on while being in each other’s pockets for a week might be unsatisfying for everyone…

Brefugee · 06/08/2025 11:33

FGS, let it go. If you feel so bad for your DCs you could invite your ILs on holiday next year?

She thinks that everyone should be like her.

and you think people should be more like you? when you share facilities, there needs to be a discussion about what will be done and when. And then you just get on with doing your bit.

pinkdelight · 06/08/2025 11:33

She thinks that everyone should be like her.

And you're upset because "she's done something you wouldn't do".

PurpleThistle7 · 06/08/2025 11:33

I'm sorry you're upset but I can't quite see why either. You decided it was best to avoid a big family holiday in future (which makes sense, you don't seem compatible) and then... you didn't have a big family holiday. I can't see what other outcome would make sense.

We won't travel with my sister in law after a couple of bad situations (she's an alcoholic). Obviously quite different situation 'but' we have continued to do what we want to with my parents-in-law and they do different things with her. We won't go away together but that doesn't mean my inlaws have to choose between us - we each do different things now.

I think you should invite your inlaws on your holiday if you want to close the circle here. You refusing to engage with any of them because you don't get along with half of them isn't helpful.

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:33

Hankunamatata · 06/08/2025 10:56

You told them you didnt want to do anymore family holidays but expect to be invited on family holiday?????
Your mad

I didn't want an invite

OP posts:
Hesma · 06/08/2025 11:32

Sorry but in your own words you need to get a grip. Nothing to stop you organising a holiday and inviting your PILs.

VintageDiamondGirl · 06/08/2025 11:32

Haven’t read the whole thread but have seen the poll and I’m obviously in the minority here! Yes, I understand how you feel. I couldn't do what your in-laws have done. it’s cruel. They should have told you about the holiday. My children not talking to one another would bother me a great deal, too.

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:32

Bestfootforward11 · 06/08/2025 10:55

It sounds like this is emotional all round and there’s stuff here that is going to take a long time to be resolved. Just to add some thoughts that I hope might be helpful. You mentioned not being involved in the ‘discussion’, but what does this mean? A discussion sounds like it means trying to sort things out on a deeper level but perhaps no one is ready for that yet. If you just mean being asked if you wanted to come, in light of the fact of what happened last year and it’s only more recently that things have got more civil, it sounds like that’s too soon. And you clearly feel like that too as you’ve said you’d have likely said no anyway. If they had asked you/DH and you’d said no, that would’ve likely caused upset too. And you and your DH haven’t invited them all either, his sister etc might say she’s upset at that. So I think you need to let things settle. Things need to go from being civil to actually getting on so that a holiday is viable. You might be feeling hurt for your DH but to be honest, he needs to take steps to discuss things with his sister or navigate the issue, whatever it may be. Best wishes.

Sorry, perhaps discussion was the wrong word. Obviously she doesn't owe us anything or mention it to us. I think i miss our previous closeness and that's what I'm upset about. I'm upset that this is the way that it is now and them going away (which they absolutely have the right to do) has brought it all back for me

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/08/2025 11:31

We used to do big family holidays and decided it was too much, the issues weren't as bad as the ones you had OP but I still didn't enjoy them much.
I am very very relieved not to even be asked now so I do not understand your issue at all, you got what you wanted so be happy about it

PinkyFlamingo · 06/08/2025 11:31

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:12

I think what I wanted was just a conversation before it was booked (definitely not an invite!). Something along the lines of 'After last time we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family but we are going to invite mum and dad away with us'. Perhaps it's the lack of conversation that's bothering me it was just booked. I thought we were in a place where we could at least talk about it but I do understand that they owe me nothing and I am being dramatic about it. I think it's just brought back to me that we are not close like we used to be and that's what has upset me

Show quote history

But there was no need to have a "conversation" with you and your DH the holiday didn't include you!

NightPuffins · 06/08/2025 11:31

You are being very unreasonable, and you are making an issue where there isn’t one.
Your husband and his sister both said they didn’t want to do a whole-family holiday again. There is no reason at all that each of their relationship with their parents should suffer because the two of them don’t get on. It’s completely fine for the sister to have a relationship with her parents, including spending time with them, without involving her brother/your husband/you at all. I certainly don’t involve my sibling every time I make plans with my parents!
Asking your parents in law to join you on a holiday is not putting them in an awkward position, unless perhaps you are inviting them at the same time as they already have plans. Nor is it excluding anyone.
Crying over this and being overly dramatic is just silly.

pinkdelight · 06/08/2025 11:29

I think what I wanted was just a conversation before it was booked (definitely not an invite!). Something along the lines of 'After last time we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family but we are going to invite mum and dad away with us'.

To which you'd have said... ? "Oh... okay." Awkward silence. That's the best case scenario. The others involve raking up all the original incident and tainting a nice thing - them going on holiday with the parents - with all the resurrected tension. Them not telling you is them moving on and being normal about things. It's not normal to have to inform your extended family about your holiday plans in case they're hurt. You obviously still have issues with her and I think she's right to steer clear of the subject and go and enjoy her holiday, as you'll enjoy yours. Did you run your plans by her? "After last time, we all agreed not to go on holiday as a big family so we're just going on our own." "Oh... okay." Awkward silence.

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:27

WhenInRomeDoAsTheRomansDo · 06/08/2025 10:53

@SunnyStrawberries

Was there some truth in what the SIL said to your husband?

As you say it sounds like years of built up resentment boiled over so it must have been a pattern of behaviour that has antagonised her. Why didn't they talk about it and try to get to the root of the problem?

Maybe you are miffed because you deep down want your Inlaws ro chose your family as a validation that the behaviour she accused you both of isn't true and they're siding with you. But they're not going to do that so it leaves you with an uncomfortable feeling that maybe the SIL might have had a point?

You obviously feel insecure about something or you wouldn't be feeling this way.

Edited

This has made me think and perhaps in a small way it may be true. She called me 'lazy' but I don't consider myself lazy at all. This comment was made as I didn't immediately get up and start washing up after a meal. I'd prefer to let my food go down and talk for a while after eating. She thinks that everyone should be like her. With regards to the comments about my husband i'd say they were absolutely not true - I wouldn't be married to him if they were! Again, its obviously her opinion of him and that's why we don't see eye to eye on things some of the time. I think my feelings are more about the unresolved root cause of all of this. We have never spoke about the blow up on holiday. we just gave it time and swept it under the carpet. Although we are different I do miss our previous closeness.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 06/08/2025 11:27

YABVU.

The dynamics clearly weren’t working for big group holidays and you cancelled a holiday that was with them.

You don’t own your in laws and they have every right to go away with their daughter and their other grandkids.

If you were booking another holiday would you have asked SIL to go? No you wouldn’t because you cancelled the last one with them.

itsgettingweird · 06/08/2025 11:27

Yabu.

You said no to family holidays.

They have booked a family holiday.

Nothing to stop you inviting in laws away with you - why should they never holiday with their kids again because the kids don’t get on?

MummaMummaMumma · 06/08/2025 11:26

Both agreed to no more big family holidays.
Your husband and his sister do not get along well. Why would you need to be considered or spoken to about them going on holiday without you?
The issue was with your husband, they don't want to go with him. The still want to holiday with their parents.

Tippertapperfeet · 06/08/2025 11:25

SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:21

Thank you for the reply. The in-laws we unhappy about the way in which she blew up but no one said anything. None of us ever question her or go against her

Show quote history

Are they or are they just telling you that? And telling her it’s 6 and 2 threes? Or that they’re not happy with what your DH did?

you’ll never know.

WhenInRomeDoAsTheRomansDo · 06/08/2025 11:24

@SunnyStrawberries

You neatly side stepped the question in my post.

Why didn't you address the behaviour that made SIL so frustrated by talking it through? Surely as its come out of years of pent up frustration it needs to be discussed to process why she felt that way.

Do you think that maybe she had a point and you're shocked because you misjudged how she was actually feeling about your husband and you?

It's easier to push feelings away than deal with them but it must have been upsetting to realise how she actually felt about you both. Your inlaws don't seem to be disagreeing with her.

Seems like you're trying to brush it under the carpet rather than having an honest conversation about why she might feel as she does.

whitewineandsun · 06/08/2025 11:24

I just don't know why I'm feeling so upset over it. I guess because they are doing something that I wouldn't do??

That makes zero sense. Get over it.

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:21

Mauvehoodie · 06/08/2025 10:45

I get you feeling upset, you felt there was an unspoken rule that none of you would do holidays together. Then you find out that a holiday had been quietly booked. But, look at it like SIL has done you a favour. If you want, you and DH can invite in-laws on holiday. I think it'd be nice for your in-laws to still be able to have holidays with GC, they're just individual rather than whole family. What was in-laws opinion on the SIL blowing up at your DH? Could they understand her reasons?

Thank you for the reply. The in-laws we unhappy about the way in which she blew up but no one said anything. None of us ever question her or go against her

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 06/08/2025 11:21

If you want to go away with the in-laws ask them (or your dh should)
what they do is up to them

Original poster
SunnyStrawberries · 06/08/2025 11:18

foodtoorder · 06/08/2025 10:45

You are being unreasonable.

You have said you don't want to holiday with them, in your post you said you wouldn't go so what is the issue?
Your in laws haven't made it a secret that they are going.
Why are your kids seeing that their grandparents are holidaying with cousins unless you show them?

You sound like you are mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had with the wider family and a touch of fear of missing out. You can be upset about it ofcourse but they haven't done anything wrong.

You sound like you are mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had with the wider family and a touch of fear of missing out. You can be upset about it ofcourse but they haven't done anything wrong.

I think this sums it up perfectly. Thank you

OP posts: