to be feeling so upset over this?

Something you wouldn't do... so after all that drama, you would still invite SIL on a group holiday? That isn't something to be proud of.

I don't think the holiday is the issue

This is about the previous argument

There's no way you should all holiday together again, you agreed that, so they were right not to invite or discuss with you.

Does he care that his refusal to make genuine amends with his DSis negatively impacts you and your DC and his parents?

Not saying it's all on him though – has your SIL tried to make amends at all beyond being civil?

I was ready to sympathise about the different parenting styles being tough on holiday but yabu to be gutted that you don’t get a family holiday invite.

Your h and his sister said no group holidays and that’s fine. Both of you having separate holidays with ILs sound like a perfect compromise. Going on holiday all together risks fights that kids shouldn’t witness and group holidays are difficult enough with people that you do get along with!

What’s the point of being asked if you were going to say no any way? It’s better that SIL doesn’t play that game and issue you with an invitation that you are expected to say no to. Imagine the argument if you said yes and went on the holiday? MIL telling your h was her act of consideration towards your feelings. She wouldn’t want to be chilling on holiday while your h found out about it on social media after the fact.

Your husband’s family are clearly not fans of talking about feelings and I’m not surprised that SIL didn’t ask you on this holiday. You admit things are civil but not warm like in the past.

If you want the kids to go on holiday together in future then I’d consider asking if the kids can join your holiday and hope that yours get an invite back but if things like whether or not having ice cream causes tension then I wonder if how much you and her gave/didn’t give ice cream type stuff would cause problems later?

The way I read this is that the brother and sister won’t holiday together anymore so they can go and invite the parents and you can go separately and invite the parents separately. No?

Also, has your DH tried to sit down with his sister 1-1 to sort out the issue? It was their row, not yours, not your BIL's, not your PILs or the kids – they need to sort it out.

I’d want to hear the POV from the sister in law. Sounds like there has been resentment for a while- I wonder why? Sounds like your husband has just walked away from it all? Has he tried to speak to his sister?
fwiw I understand you feeling upset. Xx

Or maybe she is still upset and is aware that them asking her parents would be a problem for you, but decided that making sure your in-laws didn't miss out on a holiday this year was more important than any beef you have going on? It's fine for you all to say no family holidays but your PIL would have been left high and dry.

And also. I’ve said this before in a different thread recently. But. Families are hard for you as an in law. You don’t know all the years of interaction and small deep hurts with each other when they were children. Perceived injustices from when they were young.

it might’ve been the straw that broke the SIL’s back.

I blew up at my brother once about a carton of apple and blackcurrant drink. But it wasn’t about that. It was about 30 years of hurt. And stuff going back years. And he had hit a nerve.

me and him got past it, and we are cordial now - but my mum never took sides and left us to sort it out between us. And that’s exactly as it should be. It’s not for your MIL to take sides.

This is spot on. I suspect the MIL thinks they were both being unreasonable and is just trying to remain neutral.

I'm sure she's said exactly the same comments to SIL about the OP and her DH.

I hope the OP listens to this advice.

Yeah I agree with this.

I have adult kids and sometimes I can see it’s both of them at fault. But they are each so angry that it’s not helpful for me to say that and I studiously don’t take sides.

I don't get this at all. In what way is the OP being excluded and missing out?? They've been told they can take PILs on holiday. They're going on their own family holiday. They don't want to go with SIL. It's just looking for upset to frame this as being excluded when it's their decision and a very sensible one at that.

No need for anyone to be upset. Everyone seems more relaxed about separate holidays going forward and maintaining a civil relationship on other occasions.

Just leave it alone. All this drama doesn't help.

I think MIL is just being nice and trying to say the right things to each of you. You're interpreting it through the lens of the bossy SIL and MIL falling in line, but MIL has said they'd go away with your family too. They're just parents who love their children and GC and want to keep you all happy. It'd probably be for the best if you don't offload to MIL about being upset and put her feelings first too. The sooner you can stop dwelling on the past upset and get in gear with this actually much more workable situation where you go on happier holidays with people who get on, the better it'll be for everyone, including you and your family.

what does your DH think about it? Seems like you are managing tricky emotions. Does he feel the same?

FWIW OP, I was one of the few to say you aren't being unreasonable to find this hurtful. I'm sure you have no intention of "dictating" what other family members do about their holiday, or having the attitude that 'if we don't go away, no-one goes away.' Quite the opposite. To me it sounds like you're the most accommodating and conciliatory member of the family, who's taken a fair amount of shit from SIL over the years to keep the peace

But the shock and hurt of SIL's very public meltdown with her brother/your DH cut deep, affecting DC too, and I'm not surprised you're wondering why no-one else seems to care about that. Particularly the grandparents, who seem to be taking a studiedly neutral stance in all this. Sounds like everyone's a bit scared of SIL.

So no, I don't think it's unreasonable from an emotional point of view. But there's a very bright silver lining to all this, which is that your family is liberated from those awful-sounding family holidays. What WOULD be unreasonable is to cling on to those hurt feelings and keep crying over it. You don't want DC to grow up feeling rejected by their wider family. So wipe your eyes, shrug it off - their loss, after all - and plan fun family holidays just for yourselves!!

So you can actually see that there is no issue here. SIL is abiding by what was said and mutually agreed after the last holiday blowout.

PILs are playing fair in the middle too. Invite them next year and in the meantime continue your civil relationship with SIL and her family.

Problem solved. Let it drop.

I do understand why you are upset, but (gently) YABU.

I'd try to take this as a win: you now have full, cast-iron permission to invite your inlaws on a holiday without inviting your SIL and her family. Think about what you'd like to plan with them.

You should be relieved you weren't asked if you wouldn't go anyway. Can you book one for your family and invite the grandparents.

I’d say she did, yes.