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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 05/08/2025 20:11

Lemonadeat8 · 05/08/2025 19:45

Yabu. Is it because you wanted money in them?

Many see cards as a waste of time and money, they’ve probably also a fair bit of money to be there.

Unfair and assumptious comment

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:10

@OnePerkyReaderi would agree with you in Thai scenario but nothing like this is similar. However you could be right that it was simply forgotten and maybe the next time I see them one may be brought along.

OP posts:
thismumneedssun · 05/08/2025 20:10

I think that's really rude, I'm a card person and I love picking out personal cards for people. I know a lot of people don't do cards these days but I think for a special occasion especially when you aren't giving a gift the least you could do is a card with a lovely handwritten message. I'd be quietly disappointed in those friends.

Praying4Peace · 05/08/2025 20:09

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:30

@lotsofpatiencecare to elaborate? How does that suggest I need to ‘grow up’? I’m trying to genuinely work out if it’s the norm. I genuinely thought that on a special occasion a card is what everyone would do. I’ve never attended a wedding and not written a card. Hence why I’m looking for perspective - just seems like manners to me?

Hi OP, I would feel upset too and at the very least a card.
Did you receive gifts from them?

purplecorkheart · 05/08/2025 20:08

It is an odd one. Card writing seems to by dying out a bit.

I always send my card/gift in advance of the wedding as I have heard of cards being stolen at weddings. At my brother's wedding the venue on the day told them that they could not have a post box thing for cards at the private venue. Myself and the best man ended up looking after multiple cards all evening.

There is also the etiquette in some places that guests can send a card/gift up to the first anniversary.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:08

@thepariscrimefilesno it was 40 mins drive from
the area. One did pay for a hotel room elsewhere though in the end as our venue didn’t have enough. We had given them a room at first (paid for by us) but they said they didn’t need it as would share a taxi back home so we offered to someone else. Plans changed closer to the wedding though

OP posts:
OnePerkyReader · 05/08/2025 20:07

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:02

@OnePerkyReaderI'm not reconsidering the friendships I’m just looking for opinions. I attended both of their weddings 7+ years ago and gifted generously. I couldn’t care about a gift or cash as it’s genuinely not needed, I’m just surprised that it wouldn’t strike them to get a card in return?

Except you said it had ‘opened your eyes a bit’ and you were thinking you might need to ‘stop and think if it’s something’. People just haven’t done cards because they don’t believe in them for forgot them or god knows why. You don’t need to open your eyes or read into anything. If you have solid friendships then that’s what matters, not a few words in a card. Because to be honest, the mention of the fact you gifted generously makes it sound like actually, it is about the gift and the cash and the card is a red herring. And if it IS about the gift, then say that, because it’s okay to express that. But to reassess a fantastic friendship over a card seems a bit odd to me, personally

AxolotlEars · 05/08/2025 20:06

I think it's odd but I'm in the category of people who think it's extremely rude not to say and/or send thank you cards

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:05

@ScrambledEggs12i think as well it’s skewing my perspective when your PIL’s neighbour, who wasn’t even invited to the wedding, physically posts you a card, but those who it wouldn’t even cross your mind to not bring you a card didn’t.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/08/2025 20:04

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:43

@DappledThingsi didn’t cross-check against a list 🤣 it was blatantly noticeable to me as two are my longest friends.

So your two closest friends attended your wedding without bringing a gift or a card? I think that is really rude of them. My only caveat would be if you had your wedding somewhere really expensive overseas and they have had to fork out a small fortune to attend. If that isn't the case, they have been really mean and thoughtless.

TheLivelyViper · 05/08/2025 20:03

I think you're so valid, I love writing cards for events (birthdays etc) and I always make them so personal. I feel like it's a mini letter and such a lovely way to express something heartfelt and I always make it personal as well, I enjoy writing them and I hope my friends enjoy the messages. I wouldn't go to someone's wedding without a card, even if you didn't want a gift I'd get something small with it because it's just kind to do so. Especially if it's a close friend.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:02

@OnePerkyReaderI'm not reconsidering the friendships I’m just looking for opinions. I attended both of their weddings 7+ years ago and gifted generously. I couldn’t care about a gift or cash as it’s genuinely not needed, I’m just surprised that it wouldn’t strike them to get a card in return?

OP posts:
afaloren · 05/08/2025 20:01

I always take a card with me to a wedding. And a gift, from their list if they’ve got one or money which I assume is always useful.

ScrambledEggs12 · 05/08/2025 20:00

On some threads the majority of people are saying that you should give at least £100 as a wedding gift. On this one it seems it's fine to give nothing!

I think it's rude not to give a card with your love and best wishes for the couple.

RedRiverShore5 · 05/08/2025 19:59

It is quite rude but hardly surprising looking at some of the replies on this thread.

Summeriscumin · 05/08/2025 19:59

Times may have changed but back when I got married you only got cards from people you invited but couldn’t come or from casual friends who weren’t invited.

Gollldddstar · 05/08/2025 19:59

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:46

@Gollldddstaryes this is what I thought! It’s just kind of made me open my eyes a little bit and stop to think if it’s something I should look more closer at or just chill out and not read into!

I’d love to be the kind of person who doesn’t notice these kind of things and let it wash over me.. but I expect my friends/family to treat me how I treat them so it’s hard to ignore. Good news is that a lot of people seem to agree that a card is the bare minimum for a wedding so you’re not alone in your thinking!!

OnePerkyReader · 05/08/2025 19:57

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:46

@Gollldddstaryes this is what I thought! It’s just kind of made me open my eyes a little bit and stop to think if it’s something I should look more closer at or just chill out and not read into!

I think to reconsider friendships with two of your longest relationships is a huge overreaction to be honest.
I always give a card, but I went to a friends wedding and stupidly left her card in the hotel I was staying in. I didn’t even give it to her the next day as I was too hungover. I did however travel several
hundred miles, pay for a hotel, pay for my bridesmaids dress and shoes and make up and hair and the hen do and a whole load of other organisational shit. Yeah I forgot the card and cash on the day but honestly if that had made her reconsider our friendship I would have chucked her in the bin.

If you have a great friendship regardless then I’d let it go, personally.

JMSA · 05/08/2025 19:56

Card Factory is still busy whenever I go in, folks. A card for someone’s wedding is 100% normal.

Coconutter24 · 05/08/2025 19:56

If they came to your wedding with no card, gift or money as a gift I find that incredibly rude. I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding empty handed. Or even a birthday party for that matter!

JMSA · 05/08/2025 19:55

I would die a death before I turned up to someone’s wedding empty-handed.
YANBU, OP. At all 💐
Congratulations though!

LemonLadder · 05/08/2025 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well this is the most immature response here…

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/08/2025 19:53

If it’s more than 4 different people are you sure you haven’t lost some cards?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:52

@DappledThingsi’ll listen to this perspective for sure. I just think the card is an opportunity to express how you hold that person in your life with a nice sentimental message/well wishes. The day itself was such a blur we only really got to say hello to most.

OP posts:
lostmyearringsagain · 05/08/2025 19:50

I’d feel as you do. It’s comparatively minimal cost and little effort to acknowledge your special day.

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