Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Treeleaf11 · 05/08/2025 20:30

If it's four friends are you sure they haven't gone missing?

Novanonplus · 05/08/2025 20:28

so so rude!!!
Anyone who can’t be bothered to give a card and present at your wedding should have declined the invite.

Netcurtainnelly · 05/08/2025 20:28

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2025 19:33

I love to receive cards but its a dying thing. I haven't been given a birthday card for 5 years. People just don't do cards anymore.

If that's the case, why are the local card shops in my town always busy and online card sites are still going?

Terrribletwos · 05/08/2025 20:28

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:30

@lotsofpatiencecare to elaborate? How does that suggest I need to ‘grow up’? I’m trying to genuinely work out if it’s the norm. I genuinely thought that on a special occasion a card is what everyone would do. I’ve never attended a wedding and not written a card. Hence why I’m looking for perspective - just seems like manners to me?

Did you get wedding presents from these people? @Inpaineveryday

DoYouReally · 05/08/2025 20:27

There's no way I would show up to someone's wedding without a card and gift.

I agree OP, it's not about the gift, it's about the fact someone couldn't even make the smallest of effort on your biggest day.

I'm not a big fan of cards for the sake of cards but if I'm invited to someone's celebratory event, I always thought it goes without saying.

Ya, it's rude.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:27

Thanks for all of the replies! Quite interesting to see that people are so obviously on one side of the fence or the other!

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 05/08/2025 20:27

Rude and tight fisted

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:25

@DappledThingsgood point!

OP posts:
KiteFlight · 05/08/2025 20:25

I always give cards for everything, but I very rarely receive cards these days. I think most people have stopped doing cards. I can understand with Christmas cards because it’s a bit empty and pointless, but for something like a Wedding they are a nice keep sake from the day and they used to be an opportunity for people to say something nice to the couple. I think it’s sad if that’s a trend that is disappearing.

I don’t think it necessarily reflects on your friendship.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:25

@arcticpandasyeah like many in this thread have expressed we don’t do birthday and Christmas cards for each other typically. But special occasions like later graduating their degree after dropping out of the first years before, buying their first home, getting engaged, married, we’ve all been known to do. In fact, I recall two in particular giving cards at other friends of ours weddings. But there’s been no big events like these in a few years to be fair.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 05/08/2025 20:25

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:05

@ScrambledEggs12i think as well it’s skewing my perspective when your PIL’s neighbour, who wasn’t even invited to the wedding, physically posts you a card, but those who it wouldn’t even cross your mind to not bring you a card didn’t.

Thst sounds quite logical to me. DH's family give each other Christmas cards in person which is completely weird to me. Christmas cards are for people I'm not seeing at Christmas. If I'm seeing them I can say Happy Christmas to them without needing a card.

So sending someone a card if I'm not going to their wedding makes more sense than if I am where I can give my congratulations in person.

redcar31 · 05/08/2025 20:24

I would never turn up to a wedding or special event without a card and gift (of what was affordable to us at the time). I thought it was basic etiquette?

Lafufufu · 05/08/2025 20:21

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 05/08/2025 19:32

You don’t need to “grow up” at all OP.

I wouldn’t dream of attending a wedding without a gift, let alone a card. Quite apart from the fact that’s simple manners, if I’m attending the wedding of someone I care about, I want to give a card and gift!

I don’t blame you at all for being hurt. It’s rude and thoughtless to turn up empty handed. I know times are tough for a lot of people but a card costs pennies.

I hope you had a wonderful wedding day!

Agree with this 💯

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:21

@Hiptothisjiveyes this did occur to me too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:20

@OnePerkyReadergosh some people are so sceptical. I only mentioned I gifted at their wedding to highlight that when I attended theirs I acknowledged it with a card and gift, so to receive no acknowledgment on my own day in the form of a card took me by surprise! Couldn’t give two hoots about a gift. I’ve celebrated these girls on every occasion in their lives. And I’m not saying they haven’t celebrated me as such, as a card doesn’t do that I know, their attendance does. I brushed thoughts about this off at first but for some reason it’s niggling at me still, so I thought I’d see if my feelings would be shared/natural, or if I am being irrational in the disappointment/surprise.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 05/08/2025 20:19

I got married a couple of weeks ago and got cards from my friends. We never send Christmas or birthday cards, just for one off occasions. I was pleasantly surprised tbh.

Hiptothisjive · 05/08/2025 20:17

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:37

@Topseyt123we didn’t do a gift list or one of those poems you may see that ask for cash towards honeymoon. We’ve been living together for a while and genuinely don’t need anything, and we saved for our honeymoon alongside the wedding. We genuinely didn’t want anyone to feel obligated in terms of a gift. Just surprised about no well wishes/congratulations by a card! However maybe the lack of mentioning anything in our invite may be a reason why some people didn’t write a card. It’s actually all the people I would say that are closest to me! None of them were from my husband’s side

Do you think maybe the lack of well wishes was overcome by them attending your wedding and presumably congratulating and wishing you well there?

arcticpandas · 05/08/2025 20:16

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:12

@Praying4Peaceno gifts but genuinely fine with that. We didn’t ask for any! I think this maybe heightens the disappointment in the lack of a card for me maybe?

Maybe your friends are like me? (See above). Please don't make any assumptions about how they feel about you just because they didn't give you a card. You've made me aware that some people do appreciate this gesture so I have taken note for the future. Thank you.

Velvethoneydew · 05/08/2025 20:16

I think I understand how you feel. When I got married I got no card or gift from one of my best friends. I never expected a lavish gift or anything but I had given her a very personal gift for her wedding a few years previously and it made me sad that my marriage wasn’t even acknowledged by her.

…in hindsight maybe she just really hated my gift and wondered why I didn’t get something off her list?!

Muffsies · 05/08/2025 20:15

There's been a few posts recently with people being upset about not getting a card. I think it's safe to say that people just don't do cards anymore. Frankly, it's a Victorian thing that was started as a status flex (who can send the most witty elaborate card..), and was capitalised by the postal service and card shops.

Now people are more aware of being wasteful with paper, the ridiculous costs, and have better ways to communicate. It's not a slight. Culture has changed, as it always does.

paradisecircus · 05/08/2025 20:14

I'd be surprised by this too, BUT....I suppose it depends on WHY you think they didn't give you a card. They don't care about you? They aren't really your friends? They were trying to have a personal dig at you?
If you can conclude that there was no particularly sinister motive, and these people are otherwise good friends, perhaps it's not something to dwell on for too long.

arcticpandas · 05/08/2025 20:13

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:52

@DappledThingsi’ll listen to this perspective for sure. I just think the card is an opportunity to express how you hold that person in your life with a nice sentimental message/well wishes. The day itself was such a blur we only really got to say hello to most.

I only give a card if it's a monetary gift in it. I would feel silly just giving a card, like how presumptious of me thinking anyone wants to read a card I have written (except close family). I hope I haven't offended anyone by this but it has never crossed my mind that someone would want a card.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 20:12

@Praying4Peaceno gifts but genuinely fine with that. We didn’t ask for any! I think this maybe heightens the disappointment in the lack of a card for me maybe?

OP posts:
I'llBuyThatForADollar · 05/08/2025 20:11

Oh my word. The replies! I am very much a card person so totally get your being upset. It’s the least a friend should do. Maybe they aren’t card people but it doesn’t hurt any less. Congratulations on your marriage!

Anyahyacinth · 05/08/2025 20:11

Totally agree absolutely basic and I would feel upset about this too. Congratulations 💐🥂💐