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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 21:05

@GentleJadeOPyes they all attended my wedding, all day, with their partners and children invited too.

OP posts:
croydon15 · 06/08/2025 21:02

Not a present or a card is definitely very mean especially from a supposedly close friend, l would definitely rethink the relationship.

GentleJadeOP · 06/08/2025 20:50

Are they people that actually attended your wedding? If so then definitely rude

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 20:38

@Radiatorsathank you! I love that… definitely gifting myself that realisation!

OP posts:
Radiatorsa · 06/08/2025 20:31

You sound so lovely OP.
Don't waste your energy on being hurt, but in future, match their energy completely.

You deserve better friends.
Gift yourself that realisation going forward.
Wishing you every happiness in your marriage.

Pessismistic · 06/08/2025 19:46

Just very rude and tight friends. You don’t need to ask for anything it’s just politeness to not go empty handed no matter what. Could have any of them been left or taken?

Horses7 · 06/08/2025 19:40

You are right to feel upset at what appears to be thoughtless at best and pretty horrible at worst.
I can’t understand anyone going to a wedding and not giving a card wishing you the best or even a gift (what is affordable for them of course).
I’d examine your friendships - perhaps you’ve had blinkers on and now they’re off. Don’t make a hasty reaction but don’t ignore it either.

purplepansyem · 06/08/2025 19:29

I would have been upset as well. I don't often send cards because they just end up in the bin but I always send or give a card for special occasions, like weddings, births etc because I think most people tend to keep those cards. It's also just good manners!

ACR7 · 06/08/2025 19:06

Sometimes people genuinely forget to bring the card as they rush out of the house. Also some
get put down on tables and not in the right place. Obviously some just don’t bring them but weddings are expensive to attend so I think all that matters is they made the effort to come. We didn’t get cards off some people for ours but i don’t think it’s a big deal. I would personally always take one but everyone’s different

Jumpers4goalposts · 06/08/2025 18:54

After my wedding I re-evaluated a lot of my friendships, distanced myself from some, got closer to others and stopped engaging with some altogether.

Theroadnottravelled · 06/08/2025 18:47

When DH and I got married (about 100 guests) a few of his friends (single men) didn’t bring a card or gift either. Don’t care about a present but no card when attending a wedding is thoughtless and rude imo.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 06/08/2025 18:43

I’m with you @Inpaineveryday on this one. Basic manner and etiquette are, for some reasons, being lost! People are becoming so selfish and insular, quite happy to attend things and accept kindness when you are paying it seems!

I agree with @MMUmum I too take great care in picking and sending greetings to people and am very lucky I am friends with likeminded individuals.

Suzjspik · 06/08/2025 18:39

I would get a card for a wedding but im 43 I think younger ppl dont always get cards these days. Incidentally my brother never buys cards for ppl and hes 40

YoNoHeSido77 · 06/08/2025 18:28

I would rather have a card with kind words than a gift, so I’d feel exactly the same.

To me it’s basic courtesy.

MMUmum · 06/08/2025 18:10

I love cards, giving and receiving. I put a lot of thought into choosing appropriate cards, and the cards I receive from family and friends seem to show they do the same, I was really touched by the lovely cards I received for a recent big birthday, and I keep all my cards from special occasions. I'm with you op, I think it shows that someone has taken a few minutes to think about you and write a few words

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 18:01

@Spinmerightroundbabyno presents. I think that’s maybe where my post has confused some people who are saying who cares about cards. I didn’t expect gifts at all as 1) we have lived together a long while 2) didn’t have a registry, but surprised at not even a card. However can see that a card may highlight the absence of a gift or cash so may have been avoided altogether!

OP posts:
Spinmerightroundbaby · 06/08/2025 17:58

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:30

@lotsofpatiencecare to elaborate? How does that suggest I need to ‘grow up’? I’m trying to genuinely work out if it’s the norm. I genuinely thought that on a special occasion a card is what everyone would do. I’ve never attended a wedding and not written a card. Hence why I’m looking for perspective - just seems like manners to me?

I agree it seems odd and I personally would’ve written a card but norms are changing. Lots of people don’t do cards now. Did they buy presents?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:28

@user1476613140thank you. I have considered this! I double-checked with the venue that nothing was left as well. They did have a wedding the next day too.

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 14:26

cheesycheesy · 06/08/2025 14:16

Sounds similar to a wedding I went to. Except there was a specific place to keep cards etc. several were open and money was stolen. This was about 10 years ago and I think people transfer money more now than give cash.

Edited
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Yes, usually these friends have previously acknowledged any birthday gifts so we found it strange but at the time we couldn't see a relative or friend to hand over the card to so we just put it beside all the others on the desk at the reception. Possibly the gift card could have been stolen out of the envelope, who knows. Unfortunately we just put Mr and Mrs X on the card and not the date....It was back in 2008! Will never know now. Too much time has lapsed and I have not actually spoken to this couple in years as life has been very busy.

I just wanted OP to consider this as a possibility as to why she didn't receive a card.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:20

@Radiatorsai think pulling back is definitely on my mind. I’m realising I’ve been perhaps far too generous in the past (and I don’t mean gift giving at their weddings).

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:17

@CoralOPyes we had a post box on a table that a couple of people left wrapped gifts on x

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 06/08/2025 14:16

user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 12:56

We went to a wedding of friends years ago...showed up at the reception and put the wedding card with a gift card enclosed on the desk not thinking much of it as we saw other gifts lying around there....turns out the couple never got the card. It must have been bundled up with admin of the hotel as they never acknowledged the gift months later.

Sounds similar to a wedding I went to. Except there was a specific place to keep cards etc. several were open and money was stolen. This was about 10 years ago and I think people transfer money more now than give cash.

CoralOP · 06/08/2025 13:34

Kinneddar · 06/08/2025 11:50

That's strange the difference. Thats not something I've ever seen

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That's so strange, there's always a decorative postbox or table for presents and cards at all weddings I have attended! X

user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 12:56

We went to a wedding of friends years ago...showed up at the reception and put the wedding card with a gift card enclosed on the desk not thinking much of it as we saw other gifts lying around there....turns out the couple never got the card. It must have been bundled up with admin of the hotel as they never acknowledged the gift months later.

Littlemisscapable · 06/08/2025 12:29

thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2025 08:33

I hardly think that the OP is being 'precious' for feeling a bit dejected and hurt that out of all the invitees, her closest friends were the only ones to attend without giving a card or a wedding gift.

OP had covered most of the costs to the guests (free hotel rooms, free bar all night, children invited so no babysitters needed) and the wedding was a 40 minute drive away so not an expensive overseas wedding.

Her friends sound rude and thoughtless to me.

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This. What on earth..as OP said if you get an invite to a wedding and will incur costs from going which you don't want then say no. Rocking up to a full day wedding with no gift at all is beyond rude ! Sorry OP. It's not you.