AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

I am not on that, no. Not sure if I would qualify - although we did go to a lot of National Trust houses.
Last time I spoke to Women’s Aid they said that they were chronically busy so couldn’t help me as he wasn’t violent.

@sendismylife are you on the stately homes thread?

I'd be calling Women's Aid for practical advice regarding planning an exit down the road.

If you've grown up in a dysfunctional abusive dynamic, you will be frightened of being incapable of coping. That's part of the brainwashing. Your husband will perpetuate it using guilt and fear and obligation ( FOG). It is a fear that isn't true. To survive this through childhood and again now, says you are incredibly strong.

Even if it's a year away, maybe it's a possibility you can leave. Not to your parents.

I feel so unworthy of anything. Married a man who treats me even worse (emotional, sexual, a little financial abuse). Feel ugly and useless. Desperate to avoid my sons feeling like I do, am constantly looking for the good, trying to show them that they are valued and valuable. Slowly falling apart. Want to leave but the youngest is mid exam courses and I am not sure I actually believe myself capable of solo survival. If I did go, I would have to go back to my parents.

@Speagle no contact and low contact has helped me too. It's incredibly difficult at first but I notice how as time passes I love and value myself more. I also don't believe all the negative voices from family any longer because they're distanced from me. A problematic ex whom I have to co parent with is in my very Low Contact category more recently and it all helps immensely. It's simply scary because it can mean letting most people go. The pay off is however great. I also have a love and connection with animals and nature in a profound way now. Because I was forced to look there. I now see how wonderful that is.

I'm most happy with animals, trees, plants and minimal interaction with good kind people. I'm happiest this way. Years of therapy helped me see the reality of my dysfunctional family and the additional mirror types I also attracted outside family.

I very much recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube OP. It might resonate. I appreciate narcissism is thrown around alot, however, I absolutely believe that dysfunctional abusive parents are usually high up in dark triad traits such as narcissism and sociopathy. Not all, but very many.

A relentless feeling that there is something terribly wrong with me at a core level, feel a kind of self disgust. Afraid all the time. Depression and anxiety, eating issues, low self esteem, chronic people pleaser, hyper vigilant. Doesn’t feel like there is a way out and I wonder what the point of my life is. Mostly I feel tired.

I had specialist psychological child abuse therapy (nhs) in my late twenties following severe PND with my first child. It's taken another 15 years and it's still a daily battle to not feel rejected unwanted and unloved, thinking everyone will leave etc. but it does get better little by little. It takes a long time though.

I too was emotionally abused by my mother. I read your opening post and felt like I could have almost wrote it myself including the feeling of self worth now.
Im 46 years old and still struggle. I have zero confidence, am a huge people pleaser and I suffer from depression, anxiety and it overthink every single thing I say and do.
My mother would call me fat, useless and that no one would ever want me. I also had to do my own laundry and remember hand washing underwear the trying to dry it in the microwave.
I had just 1 bra as a teen.
She would ignore me for weeks on end for no reason including on family holidays. It was as if I didn't exist.
I have been no contact with her since they kicked me out the house at the age of 17 and it was honestly the best thing I ever did but those core values have stayed with me until now.
I have an amazing husband and beautiful children but I would love to have a bit of self worth and confidence.
If anyone finds that magic wand please wave it my way

People pleaser, putting others first always, staying in one sided friendships, also hyper independent and never ask for help or lean on anyone.

^ This. I'm always astonished when other people do exactly as they please even if it involves not doing what other people want. I also recently (at the grand old age of 58) realised that I still avoid doing things that will enrage my family, like having a nice holiday, or wearing something nice, or even looking too nice. I need to try to overcome that instinct, at least if I can recognise I'm acting on it (which I don't always realise).

I feel like a ghost, an observer. I see 'normal' life all around me but I'm not part of it.

'I was explaining this to ds when he was about 17. He said to me "she's an old lady now miles away, she can't hurt you now. Drop the walls" it was a profound thing to hear from your child. Permission to let it go.'

Love this so much, when our children are kind and understanding and help us heal.

Please look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunction families - it shares common traits of children who where abused by parents. It will resonate op - it helped me in many ways - I'd had 12 years of psychotherapy which helped heal some trauma but Adult children helped me equally too - i had a lot of grieving to do. It's not our fault xx

Nodding to all these posts. On the surface we were a perfect family. Well fed, nicely dressed, decent house. BUT we weren't allowed opinions or choices - even over little things. We weren't allowed to make a noise. This came out on a Parenting course when I realised that we don't talk at mealtimes because my father wouldn't allow us to. My DM used to frighten neighbouring children with my DF.

Mother controlled me with my hair. She hates long hair and was always threatening to cut it short, as well as cutting off chunks when she could get away with it. Other girls at school would take their hair down on the way home. I didn't dare as she'd threaten to cut it short at the band (pony tail or plait).

As a pre teen I tried asking her about my periods, which had changed from 3 days to 5. She accused me of "messing about", her euphemism for sex. This theme then continued until I left home.

She always gave the impression she was jealous of me. She was hyper critical and sarcastic and plays the guilt card. She doesn't accept any of it and always says they did their best. Worse still is she still does it.

I really relate to "I’m convinced I’m better than most people while at the same time not good enough." I think that just about sums me up. I read a thread like this and feel I shouldn't complain because other people had it much worse... I am hugely intolerant of other people, mainly because they don't conform to the standards I have to live up to. I have zero self esteem. I've been with DH for over 40 years and been desperate to leave for about 30 of them but had no confidence I could survive on my own.

I hope I've been a better mother than mine was. I suppose I couldn't really have been worse. I'm conflicted these days between dreading her dying and hoping she does so I'm free of her. Is that really bad?

Repeating to myself throughout the day 'I am safe, I am free'

That's powerful. I have been a bit of a hoarder in the past as it fills an unfillable hole. Plus a physical wall that stopped my mum getting into my room to hit me.

I was explaining this to ds when he was about 17. He said to me "she's an old lady now miles away, she can't hurt you now. Drop the walls" it was a profound thing to hear from your child. Permission to let it go.

Of course it's never that fully simple. That was our relationship. Abuser and victim as that's all I had ever know with her. I couldn't go no contact because it's complex and messy. So if I had her my life. That was the rules of our shitty game.

Thanks OP. Mine doesn’t sound as bad as yours to be fair.

At least I didn’t have to worry about using the washing machine

Poor boundaries, people pleaser, lack of confidence

Yes. Also, I havr replicated the relationship in marriage. Basically I married my mother and he can be horrible to me, but I stick around.

Drink too much. Adhd and inability to form proper social contacts. Actually I am not feeling very well at the moment.

And my mum still tells me I am "useless" and variations thereof. I am 50 with a PhD.

Disordered eating as well.

I'm 67 and still dealing with the emotional and psychological effects of being sexually abused as a teenager. Am waiting for some therapy. Have had lots of therapy and done lots of work on myself but still struggle- lack of self worth, underdeveloped sense of self

I over compensate by showering too many times a day and washing clothes religiously and having more than I could ever wear. I try so hard not to be this parent

me too

Add being autistic to this, and it’s a mind fuck of epic proportions. ASD also often provides that feeling of superiority if you get the high IQ variety.

Pretty much this. Plus a lack of self-esteem / never feeling good enough (especially about my own parenting) and quite extreme anxiety.

I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve tried counselling several times but it hadn’t worked for me.

Going non contact with my mother and minimal with my father has helped enormously.
Repeating to myself throughout the day 'I am safe, I am free'
I have never in my life asked someone if they would like to go out for a coffee/lunch as I would never assume they would want to spend time with me and that I had anything to say worth listening to.
I'm in my 50s and haven't had any friends since I was 15, though I have had aquaintances.
I'm happily single now as it was one unpleasant boyfriend after another as my boundaries/sense of worth was so low.
Lots of self love and care, looking after the inner child, eating well, staying clear of toxic people, trusting your instincts, lots of therapy with wise, kind people.
I love myself and look after myself as a best friend would.

Mine are quite minor but they weren’t as a teenager. My mother thought showering once a week was more than enough and we didn’t really have any clothes. I remember having one pair of jeans and maybe a couple of tops but when I needed clothes to see friends I had nothing if they were in the wash. Of course she thinks she was the perfect parent but there’s so much more I could go into but I haven’t got the headspace for it. I remember there being a lot of screaming too, I still have dreams about it 20 years later.

I over compensate by showering too many times a day and washing clothes religiously and having more than I could ever wear. I try so hard not to be this parent.

Edit to add it wasn’t a case of money problems, she just thought basic things weren’t necessary.

Fawner and a people pleaser, the shame is so incapacitating at times. It’s interesting because my mum worked hard on building my self esteem through sport, extracurriculars at school. Nothing quite rebuilds the lost self esteem though.

Not sure it was emotional abuse but I grew up in an awful house with arguments, domestic violence and just a generally unhappy environment. I’m 6 years older than my sister so I took on a mother role really early and felt it was my job to protect her, we were often woken in the night by fighting and screaming and I used to get my sister dressed and then back into bed so we were ready to go if we had to and then we would run to my aunts no matter what the time.

It was so horrible and now I have a very strained relationship with my Mum plus I hate alcohol or being around people who are very drunk. Shouting makes me instantly nervous and brings back that childhood scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am a massive people pleaser because I spent up until the age of 13 treading on eggshells and trying to make everyone in my house happy. I slept around a lot as a teen because I was looking for something (maybe stability or happiness) I don’t know. I hate any conflict and have zero self esteem. Parents have the ability to massively fuck your life up and I’m trying so hard to be a good parent to my two.

Life long disordered eating, hate the way I look and have never felt good enough, second guess myself constantly and strong people pleasing tendencies, I would also spend and consume constantly trying to fill a whole if I don’t keep myself in check. I have an objectively wonderful life but I’m constantly trying to fill a gap.

on the plus side I the fact I can be pretty cold and hold myself back emotionally which has served me well professionally and the perfectionist streak has made me very successful.

things that work: therapy, yoga and journaling. Taking time out and nurturing relationships with people who like me and being honest about why I am who I am.

I’ll always be broken, but I’m no longer hurt.